“It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I’m holding you closer than most ‘cause you’re my heaven.”
~Ron Pope (a drop I’m the ocean)

“I made a deal with the devil and even though the contract will soon be over, I fear the damage done may never go away.”

“I’m sorry Avril, I never knew,” Wesley says and places his hand on mine, which is on the counter.

I squeeze his hand in gratitude, but I shake my head, dismissing his apology. “Don’t be sorry Wesley, none of it was your fault. Like you said before, shit happens to us all.”

Marc walks back to our spot after serving some people their drink. “If it’s any consolation, Avril, I think Noah is a dick and I hope you get to leave and move on.”

“Thanks, guys,” I say, wiping the tears that run down my face away.

Wesley gets down from his seat.now, “We should go now, Avril.” He says as I take another drink.

“But I’m not even drunk!” I whine, pathetically trying to move away from his hands.

He wraps his arms around me and helps me down from the seat. “Believe me, every drunk person would say the same thing if confronted.”

“He’s acting like my boyfriend, but he’s not. He likes my best friend and my best friend hates his guts,” I say to Marc.

I should not have said that. I’m sorry because I saw how much Marc was drooling over Wesley earlier and saying this might now be the best choice.

“Why can’t I close my mouth?!” I exclaim helplessly.

“Cause you’re drunk,” Wesley replied.

I turn to look at Marc. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Not telling me it was a gay bar the moment I walked in.”

He smiles cutely. “You’re welcome.”

We both step outside and I wince at the cold that engulfs me even as Wesley’s strong arms try to keep me warm. We are both wearing t-shirts and it’s not such a strong defence against the cold, but then I remember Wesley told me he bathes in ice so he may not feel the cold as much as I do notwithstanding, I hope we make it home quickly.

I look up at him and wonder if he’s even drunk. My loud mouth gets the better of me though because I immediately ask, “Are you drunk?”

He glances down at me, but shakes his head. “Not even close.”

My eyes dim as my brain does a quick math of the shots I had. “How am I drunk, then? I don’t feel drunk ‘cause I only had four.”

“You had seven.” He corrects with complete assurance.

I laugh and brushed his chest. “Someone was counting.”

“I wasn’t the only one counting.” He pointed out.

“Cutie was counting too?” There’s a rich curiosity in my voice and he hears it, too.

“You know he’s gay, right?” He asks, with a startled tone.

“Yeah? Caught him checking you out a few times. Did you notice?” I glance up at him.

He nods, “I did.”

I am asking a lot of questions, but I can’t help it. I’m too inquisitive. “You like him?”

He shrugs and scratches his head. “He’s a cool guy, but I don’t think I do. The only guy I know I like is Hadid.”

I wave my pointy finger in his face as I say, “He’s the off the limit” to him.

He makes a growling noise. “And I’ll forever tell myself that. But is okay to admit that I wish for happily ever after with him. We’d get married and have a lot of kids. I’m sure Hadid likes kids, but I’m done with whatever, as long as we grow old together. I’ve never been a hopeless romantic, but that is the level liking Hadid has brought me to.”

“You sound so romantically creepy.” I blurt out.

He grins from ear to ear. “I know. I creep myself out with the things I want.”

“Something tells me you’re letting me know all this because you know I will not remember this in the morning; Hadid never remembers whenever he got drunk and did something stupid.”

“Yeah, there’s a seventy-five percent chance you won’t remember, and I don’t want you to remember either.” He answers.

I hit his chest and throw my hands up. “I’ll take that. I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life and threaten you with it!”

As we walk closer to the house, I see a figure with a black hoodie on his head approach us from beside his car, which is on the other side of the road. Although not alone, I should feel distorted, but I am not. As the figure draws closer, I place familiarity with it.

“Avril, can we talk?” He speaks up as he gets closer to where we are.

My head snaps up to Wesley, instantly wondering if he’s also seeing what I’m seeing and if it’s not a hallucination, but he’s also looking in Luke’s direction, so it’s official.

It’s pretty late and the street lights are not as bright as other nights, but they are radiating enough to show me a minor part of his face. The thick black hoodie also does its job and I can barely make out twenty-five percent of his face, but I know it’s him, I know his voice and his form anywhere.

Luke Castillo; the person I least expect to run into.

I’m very close to the house, literally 15 steps from the gate, and I want to be so far from him. I’m sure he's going to bore me to death with his talk or make me feel guilty, neither of which I want to be.

“What do you want?” I ask, wanting to take the defensive tone of voice with him, but choosing to let it go.

“I want to talk to you.” He takes a step towards where we are and I instantly feel Wesley’s arms around me tighten for protection.

“Have you been following me?” I demand, but it comes out more sloppy than intended.

He shakes his head and stuffs his hand in the pocket of his hoodie. “No, just waiting for you. I was ready to wait until I saw you. I need to talk to you alone.”

“No offence bro, but as you can see, she’s drunk and there’s nowhere I’m leaving you alone with her,” Wesley speaks up and Luke finally notes him.

“I will not hurt her,” he replies, not breaking eye contact with me.

Wesley scoffed, “That’s what we all say until the deed is done and then-“

I place my hand on Wesley’s chest and he looks down at me and I nod at him, “Leave us, Wesley.”

“But you are—” he tries to protest, but I beat him to it.

“Drunk, yeah, I know, but I also know that I trust him.”

There is a lot of uncertainty on Wesley’s face as he lets me go, but I give him my most reassuring look which says ‘I’ve got this’ before he walks away towards the house.

I’m still watching Wesley get closer to the house when Luke speaks, “It’s nice to know that you trust me even though you’re drunk and at your most vulnerable.”

“Drunk yeah, vulnerable? Not really, plus he would not leave unless I told him that.”

He smiles a little, his dimples still managing to appear even in the dark. “You’re right, and it’s also nice that you have people that care around you.”

I know, right? I inwardly exclaim, but before I let that get to my head, “If you’re hoping to talk about what happened earlier with Noah, then I’m gonna pass. I just hope to put it to rest.”

“Is it worth it? What do you go through with him?”

“I don’t know, but I’d like to think it is and there are a lot of things I don’t want to do. Talking about what I go through with Noah is one of them.”

“Is there ever going to be a chance for me? I know this might sound a little selfish-“

“It is selfish.” I count not even believing what he’s telling me now.

“I love you and despite everything, I still can’t bring myself to stop how I feel and I don’t want to end up hoping and then regretting it so I just want to know if there’s even a chance for my heart to hope.”

Anger has not been an emotion I’ve been fortunate to feel since I went to Kool, but Luke seems to bring that out in no sweat. “Your heart or your cock?!” I hiss in annoyance.

“What do you mean?” He asks, a deep frown settling on his face.

“Noah said: we’ve shared everything, even women. Maybe the reason you’ve chased me this long is not that you cared, but because you hope to keep the circle alive.”

He’s hurt! He looks hurt, though. Did I hurt him? “All this time, and that is what you think of me?” He asks with the most hurting tone.

“It is cause I don’t know you.”

“You’ve never tried to know me! Every time I try to come even a little close, you shove me off and leave me out to dry.”

He makes it sound as though it’s so easy.

I scoff. “You sound selfish and inconsiderate, you know that. I screw your twin brother for money, which makes me his whore. That is already enough shit on my table and you expect me to add you to it?”

“And I’m in love with the girl that screws my twin brother for money, and so I ask again. Is there a chance for my heart to hope? Do you share the same feelings I share? Is there a chance that after this whole shit blows away, you would consider giving me a chance?”

His questions are the hardest I’ve ever been given and I know each word I say from here on would hold much meaning and won’t be regarded as just mere words.

Why do I now feel like crying? My emotions are everywhere and there’s no way to check them.

A tear runs down my face and I shake my head. “No, there isn’t, and you shouldn’t hope. If I ever get out of this mess alive and in one piece, I need a new slate to start afresh and I’m not gambling that with you.”

“Okay, I understand.” He tells me, stepping way too close to me. “I won’t deny that it hurts a lot, but I respect your wish and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.” After saying this, he steps back and walks away.

I don’t know why the thought of him leaving seems to wreck more havoc than his presence and before my heart tears through my chest, “Don’t go!” I call him.

He pauses, but doesn’t turn to me. “I can’t stay.”

I carefully walk to where he is and take my stand before him. “Don’t go.” I beg.

His eyes are glassy and it breaks my heart a million pieces to see it so, “I’d like to stay, believe me, I would, but I can’t, I can’t stay where I’m not wanted.”

He steps back, but this time I take hold of his hand and I don’t let it go when he finally takes his hand from mine. I lose my balance and I’m falling to the ground. Luke reaches forward before I can hit the ground and grabs me, pulling me up quickly so that our bodies touch there is a spark as our bodies touch and I can tell that he feels it too.

I stare at him silently, watching as his lips part to utter a word, which I don’t hear because all I can think about is feeling his lips on mine and before I can help myself, I lean forward and kiss his lips.

Surprises linger on his lips, but I make them vanish as I lean further into him and kiss him deeper and as I do this, I grind my body clumsily against his.

His hands take my waist possessively and haul me to himself, but immediately pull away, leaving me in surprise and devastation as I gaze at him with eyes filled with questions and demands.

He runs a shaky hand through his hair, “I’ve got to know Avril, I can’t keep doing this to myself without certainty.”

I sigh, “Yes Luke, I’ve always liked you.” I say, a little is guilty at my admission.

This time, he closes the space between us, and his lips descend an on mine in dominance.

I open my eyes in a room, on an enormous bed covered with white sheets. A loud and long yawn escapes my mouth, and I cover my mouth and pull myself up to look properly around the room. As I move my head around, it pounds and I rub my hand profusely against it, trying to remedy the pain physically and mentally.

This is not my room because everything is completely different in this room as I look around with my blurred vision and it couldn’t have changed overnight. So I wonder where I am and, as much as possible, try not to let panic take over.

I try to remember what happened last night to may have caused such pain in my head, but all I can remember is fighting with Hadid because of Wesley.

That does not explain why my mouth tastes like shit, why I feel so tired and numb all over, or why I suddenly want to puke my guts out.

“At least I’m still in one piece and wearing the same grey T-shirt and black skinny jeans that I wore last night.” I encourage myself, but my hand does not contact clothes as I touch my body. Instead, it touches my bare skin, and I raised the bedsheets to further confirm the bitter truth that I’m completely naked in bed.

Avril, what did you do?! What horrible thing did you do? Oh god, I remember joking with Wesley about getting raped at the bar. I remember the bar. I was hoping to get drunk, hoping to forget my sorrow, and I got drunk ‘cause now I think I’m the joke.

I scream out in anger, which makes my head pound even harder, but I pay no attention to it and I pull the sheet with me as I get down from the bed. Once at the door, I open it and make my way out of there. My head pounds again and my eyes close as I rub at it again.

When I feel a little relief, I resume my movement before my vision clears and I regret that decision as my head and body collide with something in my way. My hands loosen on the bed sheet while I fall, blacking out and hitting my elbow hard against the floor.

I whimper in pain as my vision returns and the headache returns in full force as well, one for the hangover and secondly from the collision of my head, but more than that, the bedsheet is no longer covering me up completely and I wonder how long I blacked out for.

My vision clears yet again and I look up at what I collided with. I see a white pillar and I pull myself up when I hear a familiar voice say.

“What happened here?”

Once up, I pick up the bedsheets and wrap them around tightly my body. “Oh, I think you know what happened,” I reply in anger as I turn around to look at Luke with dimmed vision.

✳✳✳