He could feel it pressing down against his chest. He wanted to breathe, he needed to breathe but breathing now would only be the death of him. Water surrounded him, pushing against him, crushing him, swallowing him into its dark depths but the more he pushed back the more his chest burned. He needed to breathe.

He was panicked and terrified.

He could feel his limbs slowly go limp from the crushing weight above him.

Breathe...

Breathe...

Breathe...

Wake up!

Riaz woke with a gasp.

He rubbed his eyes, reaching for his watch with the other hand before he tried to make out the blurred lines of the dark black arms painted across the white face. It was past 2- he was sure about that but his eyes were too tired to look further than that. The soft light from the lampshade between their sleeping bags comforted him. He needed to see it.

He needed to know that it was light.

That it wasn't dark. He still didn't like the dark...

He closed his eyes, trying hard to find sleep but yet again his magical slumber had evaded him. He could never go back to sleep after dreaming. His mind just simply never allowed him to. But perhaps he didn't really want to go back to sleep. There, lingering in the very shadows and corners of his mind, he was afraid. He was afraid to remember what it felt like to die. What it felt like to have the ocean above him crush him to pieces as his father let go of his hand. He had tried in vain to forget it; to pretend it had never happened to him. But it was as much a part of him as his lungs or his heart and he simply couldn't be rid of it no matter how hard he tried.

He heard the soft grind of paper as she turned the page of her book...

He reached forward shifting the sheet slightly to look at her. She was sitting up with her arms wrapped around her knees as she immersed herself into another time and another world that belonged to neither of them. She dropped herself happily into illusion barely even aware that she was being watched until she heard his scratchy voice call out to her.

"Hmm?" She turned to look at him, surprised that he was awake.

"Didn't you sleep at all?" He asked softly.

She just shook her head, smiling at the way his hair was pressed down against the one side of his head.

"Will you..." He stopped, considering his request.

"Will I what?"

He just needed to hear her. He needed to know that he wasn't alone. That someone was there with him.

"Will you read for me?"

He was so sure she would deny his request as she turned her face back to her book, trying to find her place. He shifted the sheet back into place...

"...I can't explain. When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to anyone.'" Her voice sounded hesitant as she read out loud. She had never read out loud to anyone before- much less to her husband at 3 in the morning but as she carried on reading she had forgotten that he was listening to her or that he was there or that they lived the lives they were living as she fell unknowingly into a world that had never truly existed.

It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life more mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one's life...

And he had fallen asleep without knowing how or when, only that he had fallen asleep to the gentle lull of her voice as she read further and further forgetting he was there at all...

...

She was alone in their little flat.

It had been such a long time that she had felt truly alone. It was a wonderful thing really- now that she thought about it. There were no shadows in the corner and no creaks on the floorboards at night. It was just her and the sunshine sparkling through her hair.

She wasn't content per se, but she felt a fleeting moment of contentment shimmer through her as she closed her eyes, reclining back upon her sleeping bag as she saw yellow through her darkened lids. There was nothing like it really.

To not think of anything except the way the sun shone down upon her, warming up just the slightest  chill that had descended upon her. It was marvellous being alone amongst the chirping of morning birds and far-off hooters that ploughed through traffic...

Just her and the echoes of the busy city around her.

She felt it as clearly as she felt her own breaths. She felt the hand creep slowly up her thigh, around her waist, up her...

"Stop it!"

But there was nobody there

She was still all alone with only her thoughts that had transformed itself into a reality so potent that its effects could be felt as clearly as she felt the slight tremors that began to course through her that not even the sunshine could truly get rid off. She sat up, running her hands through her hair before she stood up quickly.

She needed to leave.

...

He wasn't doing much. They had only given him a book as large as a phone directory to read through before he started doing anything at all. He felt his eyes twitch as he read over the millionth line. It felt as if he was being assaulted by useless information whose only purpose was to hurt his brain and give him a headache. He took of his glasses, rubbing his eyes softly before he turned over the page...

He wondered if she was okay.

He had left before the sun had risen. She was sleeping on her side with her book held loosely between her fingers. Her soft snores echoed throughout the room as she ascended higher and higher into that other world. He meant only to take the book from her hand. He had never meant to see it but when his eyes caught sight of it, all his theories he had ever held about her seemed to hold true.

Her collar had been pulled down enough for him to get a glimpse of it... Above the large swell of her chest, barely peeking out from beneath the edges of her bra he could make out perfect teeth imprints that had tattooed themselves into her skin in a deep, dark red ink. And he knew- without a shadow of a doubt- why she had left him once before and why she had returned once again.

He looked back down at the manual in his hand that had barely passed quarter way...

She would be okay.

She would be okay...

They'd be okay.

...

She sat cross legged on the bench watching the rise and fall of the waves before her. She wanted to feel the sand beneath her toes and feel the light, moist grains between her fingers but she couldn't make herself step foot on it. She couldn't go further than the rocky outcrop that had barricaded the beach from the streets surrounding it no matter how much she begged herself to do so. The last time she had been on a beach had been perched on top of her father's wide shoulders with her small feet kicking lightly against his rounded stomach.

She remembered crying because the water was too cold and she was sure her feet would become blue and fall off her legs but she wanted to go in. She wanted to play in the water but the indecision between playing in the water or having her feet fall off proved too much of an anomaly for her prompting her to burst into tears at the thought of it all. She remembered holding onto her hat as the winds picked up and the taste of her snot as it fell into her mouth before wiping it off with the back of her palm. But most of all she remembered her brother.

He must have been 13 at the time with his skinny, bony legs sticking out from his shorts as he walked towards her, holding her small hand in his as he helped her walk just a little further into the water.

"Just wait a few minutes. I promise it will feel better." He assured her. He held her hand firmly in his grasp until finally his words held true and a huge grin split her face as they delved in just a little further.

The cold water barely bothering her as he played with her and lifted her up when the waves were just a little too tall for her to run away from.

The sun held a reddish hue as she looked up into the sky. Night would fall soon enough and the cold air from the ocean had settled into her skin but as she stood up to leave she felt it.

She craved it.

Just once more- she wanted to feel the sand against her toes just one more time. She walked slowly towards the low rocks, toeing off her shoes and socks before she gingerly sat down against the edge...

She could do it. It was barely even a hop down the rock before she would feel it but her mind made it seem as if she were on a cliff dangling between life and death.

You're almost there.

You can do it.

Just one step.

She could feel her breaths begin to shallow as she stared at the sand below her, the wind creeping beneath her jeans causing her to shiver only a little...

You're almost there.

She closed her eyes, savouring the taste of the salt upon her lips and the smell of the sand beneath her nose as it seemed to beckon her. calling her to take the plunge.

Just once.

She could do it just once.

She braced herself on her palms, lifting just a little...

You can do it.

She jumped down, feeling the moist sand between her toes as they cried in joy to be with her.

She did it!

And a huge grin split her face as laughter bubbled from deep within her at the feel of the sand between her toes and breeze from the ocean wrapping around her as if it were her mantle given to her in celebration of her mightiest win.

She did it! 

...

She was asleep.

It was barely even 11 at night and she was asleep. She could feel her dreams whispering to her. She could their gentle voices pulling at her ears as she walked slowly towards them. She could feel the sun upon her hair in the early morning mist. She could hear her father's booming laughter and her mother's small chuckles.

She could hear her childhood. She could hear the cries of her baby brother as he begged to be picked up and she could smell the sweet smell of sugar as her father made toffee apples in the dead of the night. She could hear her happiness and her joy and her excitement...

She heard the slow creak of her door as it opened slowly...

Her eyes pinched closed as she tried to get back to her dream. She tried to smell the freshly opened bottle of CreamSoda and the fluttering of birds that flew above them...

She could hear the floorboards groan and his soft footsteps upon the thick carpet.

She could smell the breeze. The soft, smell of rain hovered all around her as the soil anticipated its arrival. She could hear her father's humming as he walked around the house to check up on them and to make sure they were sleeping.

She felt the dip in her mattress as his body moved closer to hers.

She could taste the banana flavour as she bit into her yellow Chappie. She always loved the yellow and the blue and her father always gave it to her if he found it beneath his wrapper. She could feel his strong arms as he held her tightly in his grasp, comforting her with his presence whenever she needed it.

She could smell the dense smell of Vaseline as he opened the tub beside her and she could hear the crinkle of the condom wrapper as he tossed it onto the table beside them.

She could hear her younger brother's laughter as her father blew raspberries onto his stomach and his shrieks of joy when his father tickled his toes.

She could feel his arms wind themselves slowly around her before he turned her over, hovering above her as he opened the buttons of her shirt.

She could taste the air as they drove into Cape Town. She knew that taste as well as she knew the taste of her grandmother's chocolate cake that she made for them.

She could feel his hand along the hooks of her bra, unclipping it slowly before he groped her chest, pawing and...

Stop!

She could hear

Stop!

She could

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

She woke up, feeling her pyjamas drenched with her sweat as she looked around the room. She didn't know if he was sleeping or not but as she shifted the sheet between them, she met his green eyes as he peered at her.

"What happened?" He asked softly.

"Nothing." She smiled at him, playing with the sheet in her hand. "Will you talk to me?"

"About what?"

"Anything." She sat up, annoyed that she couldn't see him anymore as the sheet dropped from her hands. She got up, tying a knot in the sheet to move it out of the way before she settled down into her sleeping bag once again to look at him. "Tell me about Joburg. Where did you live?"

"Sophiatown." He answered, looking at her curiously as she shifted in her bag struggling to get comfortable.

"And what about the people you lived with?"

"They were an old couple. They had 2 outhouses that they were letting out but the other just never seemed to go." He took off his glasses as he rested on his side, tucking his arm beneath his head. "I guess they were nice people...."

And as he spoke of his 4 years at university and the friends he made and places he went to- she hadn't realised it but her eyes had begun to feel heavy till finally she had lost the battle and sleep had claimed her once again...

And she hadn't realised that as she slept, he looked at her, finding peace at the sight of her before slowly closing his eyes and losing himself to sightless dreams that would vanish as soon as the light hit his eyes once again.

A/N The book excerpt was from The Picture Of Dorian Gray.