The NBR moderators are very excited to announce that we have new additions to our team!! I would like to extend a warm welcome to NBR's two new board members: 

Enforcers leah_tee and writervid 

Commenting timeframe (CST): Sept 2 to Sept 11

Comment Topic: Show vs. Tell. It's fundamental in any good writing. Comment on the Author's ability to convey their story by 'showing' it to the readers.

 Moderator: mokbook

Please Vote! It helps NBR :)

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Author #1: ktflynn

Book Title: Valterra: The Primordial Series ( Wattpad Featured Story)

Specified Chapter: Chapter 26

Summary Thus Far in Book: So far the MC, Avos, has found out he is to be resurrected into a Primordial, an ancient bloodline of magical immortals who protect the elements and the balance of the planet. Valterra is the continent where Avos is from, he has met Marcus, his predecessor and mentor, and travelled to Bolster where he met Elise, a witch/fae whom he has a connection with and has gained an attraction towards. This scene is pivotal because it's their first stand against the Dark, who has gained strength through El'Athan (not in the scene, but mentioned) and the Black Shuck (a demon hell hound) who now leads a small army of the Soulless (undead warriors) into the city of Bolster.

Author's Note: Thanks again to everyone who makes possible, it's great to be spotlighted again. Some of you may remember this story when Chapter 1 was spotlighted earlier this year. I've chosen Chapter 26 this time because I felt it was an important part of the story and I want to make sure I'm getting it right. Here are my questions:

A) Do my descriptions allow you to picture the scene well enough to follow what's going on and feel what the characters are feeling?

B) How well did I execute this battle scene? My thoughts are that there may be too much backstory and the battle scene itself might be too short (not enough action). 

 C) If you could change one thing about this chapter, what would it be?

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG-13 for some horror

Winning Comment: Hey, @ktflynn! Congrats on the spotlight! Glad to see you here again. First ofd, I love the covers of this book and the sequel! They have matching themes with different color sequences and fonts. I just love covers like that. It really gives off the vibe that it's part of the same series.

Now, I'll get started with some suggestions first:

-"...newly risen draug army; its appointed Soulless army, quickly advancing toward Bolster." Hmm, this opening sentence is worded a bit awkwardly. I would first replace the semicolon with a dash, if I were you. Also, the sentence structure itself was a bit awkwardly phrased as well. Hmm, let me try to reword it so it flows a bit better. For example:

"The Black Shuck gazed across the field's expanse at the swarms of draugs. They were its appointed Soulless army, newly risen, which was now heading toward Bolster." This is one example. You're trying to tell us that the "draug" army is a type of Soulless army, and it was newly appointed to the Black Shuck, right? I feel like splitting the sentence in two made it flow a bit better, and also helped it make more sense.

-"Liquid lava..." Since lava is already sort of a liquid, I don't think it's necessary to put that here. Maybe just "lava dripped..."

-Bit confused by what you meant by "the beast's underbelly." I'm assuming you're talking about the Shuck, right? If so, I feel like you're sort of jumping around from place to place. We were first told about the army, and then he beast, and then the army again. First I thought the beast was some part of the army. Maybe put this sentence in the beginning of the chapter? So it goes like, "Lava dripped from the Black Shuck's underbelly as it gazed across the field's..." And so on. I feel like this would be more hooking too.

-Maybe start a new paragraph from, "The Shuck stood to the side..."?

-At first you were referring to the Black Shuck as "It," but then you switch to "he." This confused me a bit and left me wondering of the entire time "it" was actually something else, haha. Maybe stick to one pronoun only to avoid confusion? I would suggest "he" since it seems more specific

-"Avos stood frozen in fear." You told us before that he was bolting away from the doors. Maybe add a little more context to it. For example, "He froze to a halt at the disgusting sight. He had never seen anything so extreme." Just a suggestion.

-Noticed a bit of choppy sentences here. Sort of breaks the flow, though I get you're trying to cut them short to show Avos's fear (since you can't think clearly when you're scared, haha). Maybe reword it a little so it sounds better? For example, try "Some moved (with more speed) than others," (just for the sake of replacing an adverb) "Some had their eyes or half their jaws missing, their flesh rotted away." This sounds a bit awkward though, so maybe you can reword it later. Try "under their grey skin" instead of "behind."

-"We'll get him back... I promise" I think you should've made Elise say this to comfort Avos. If you wanted Avos to say it, however, maybe reword it. For example, ""Yes, we'll get him back." He squeezed her hands and pulled her into a tight embrace. "We have to. We will."" This makes it look like he's convincing himself that they will rescue Marcus. I think this fits him more in the situation.

Comment topic: Show vs Tell. Well, you had lots of telling more than showing. It's tricky, however, since I'm not sure if you're mentioning this again after already having so in one of the previous chapters, or you're introducing this to us now.

For instance, the paragraphs, "El'Athan was rotten to the core..." All the way to the paragraph, "So, a bargain was made..." Now, if these events already happened in the past, I suggest you cut down the paragraph and only repeat the most important details. If you're telling us about this for the first time ever, well, then I suggest doing this:

Show us a flashback of some sort in the beginning of the chapter. Of course, that would increase the length of the chapter, so maybe just a quick look at what the deal was and what the Shuck was feeling at that time. Maybe at the beginning of the chapter, some time ago, we have the Shuck and El'Athan meeting. There, you can show us the paragraph, "El'Athan was rotten to the core..." in more detail. In this flashback, SHOW us El'Athan's rotten, ambitious personality. Maybe have some dialogue suggesting that his powers isn't enough to take down the Shuck with some threatening words here and there. And then have Shuck's monologue (basically what you have now), where he thinks about how he was with the Dark since the beginning, about the boy, and how this would end his times in Valterra). After that have them make the deal. Show us the Shuck trading his portal stone for leadership and the chance to to kill the Rain Maker. Then show its emotions, like deep hatred and anger towards the Rain Maker, and how he wants to rip his throat out. From here on, I would focus more on his internal thoughts, like how El'Athan can have the Chancellor, but the Rain Maker is his. Tell us how the Shuck was amazed at how the boy could part the skies, and maybe the rest of this paragraph can sort of be shown through his thoughts and emotions. After that, maybe add a cut line and return to present, where he's preparing for war, and he immediately takes action after briefly remembering his deal.

There's a lot of telling right before we get to the action, which I feel like disrupts the flow, pace, and takes away the anticipation a bit. Other than that, there were some parts that could've used show more than tell, which I will point out in the answer to your first question.

For your questions:

1). First off, I think your imagination and world building is fantastic. Not anybody can think of such an interesting world like this. Characters like the Black Shuck really stood out to me, because they're not like anything I've ever seen before. However, I feel like some of the descriptions were a bit confusing, as well as too much telling instead of showing. I guess part of this reason is because I was thrown into the middle of the story, so I was a bit confused with what was going on. But that can't be helped. However, apart from the suggestion I pointed out above in the Comment Topic, I'll point out some more places that need to show more than tell.

-"The Shuck was ready to begin." How about you show instead? Maybe jump straight to him telepathically sending images of the targets?

-In the part, "The Shuck was surprised because these draugs were..." I would show us HOW he was surprised, and HOW the draugs were fighting. Show us how the skeggox and druags fight their enemy. Help us create a more vivid picture in our minds.

As for what the characters were feeling, I had a vague idea, but you could've expanded those scenes a bit more. For instance, you wanted to portray Marcus as being scared, but I, as a reader, couldn't get a sense of this. Maybe show his fear while you're in his thoughts.

For example, his hand shaking as he clutches his sword. His voice cracking a bit while shouting orders to the defenders, but quickly correcting himself. Get into his head a bit, explore his thoughts. Maybe he chastises himself for showing fear, and tells himself he has to be brave. Like this, show us their emotions through their actions a bit more. We can depict them through small movements the characters make, so it's not always necessary to tell. For example, the part where Avos tries to chase after Marcus with no avail.

Apart from these points, however, you did good with showing us the appearance of the creatures and the battle scene. You just have to mainly work on the emotions.

2). I think the battle scene was great! Not too choppy or dragged out. I personally think it would've been better if you mention what happened to the draugs clearer. Did they follow the Black Shuck when he captured Marcus and left? Were they all wiped out by the stronger Defenders? (I'm assuming the defenders were stronger since the ones guarding the gate were easily wiped out). That left me hanging a bit. But other than that, I think it was well executed overall.

3). What I mentioned before, about the structure of the chapter. About how there's a flashback scene SHOWING the deal made between Shuck and El'Athan instead of telling us before the battle scene.

The POV changes didn't bother me too much, but maybe polish it a bit so it doesn't switch around much? Like first, the Black Shuck. Then Marcus and then Avos. I think showing Marcus's capture through Avos's eyes would be far more emotional than doing it in the Shuck's perspective. I don't think Elise really needs her own POV; once again, try using Avos's POV for hers instead. Maybe after the Black Shuck's POV, you can immediately switch to Marcus and him trying to hide his fear while ordering the Defenders to attack. And then we switch to Avos, who sees how fearless Marcus is while he'd frozen in fear. And the rest of the chapter can maybe continue on in his perspective? I think everything can be shown well enough through his eyes.

Overall, interesting chapter here! You have such an open mind, thinking up of creative stuff like this! This was a fun read. Hope this helped, and good luck with your writing!

-Grace

Network with this winner: swiftiegirl1010

1st runner up: TheAgminateMan

2nd runner up: SamSchloesing

Final Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who commented and left such great feedback. I loved all of it and I will work really hard to get this chapter where I think it should be. Kudos to , yet again, for their amazing work and kinship which makes this all possible. It's such a great service to writers of all levels, it really lets us see our work through other people's eyes. Merci!!

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Author #2: dvberkom

Book Title: A Killing Truth

Specified Chapter: Chapter 10

Summary Thus Far in Book: Leine (pronounced Lane), an elite assassin working for a shadow government agency, is on a job in Amsterdam to take out a French arms dealer named Emile Robichaux (also nicknamed The Frenchman). Leine was almost killed on her last job, and is wary that her boss, Eric, might have set her up. She's having a hard time believing it, though, as Eric is the estranged father of her 12-year-old daughter. Carlos, her lover, is also an assassin for the same agency and is not responding to her texts, causing her even more concern.

Author's Note:  I'm excited to take part in reviewers are phenomenal, and have such great attention to detail.

Question 1: What is your impression of the main characters in this chapter: Leine, Ilya, and Robichaux?

Question 2: What are your thoughts on the setting, enough information or too much?

Question 3: Does the chapter do a good job of raising the stakes, is there enough tension?

Genre: crime thriller

Rating: M- There is adult language (f-word, etc) and violence.

Winning Comment: Comment Topic: Showing VS Telling

I think you excel here. There was little to nothing I could find in the way of overt exposition. Leine did a little reflection on the past at the beginning, but it was perfectly fitting. (Side Note: If possible, I'd push that bit a few paragraphs into the chapter, utilizing the first paragraph to set the scene and intensify the mood.) Otherwise, you kept the scene very current. There were no moments in which the narration was used to explain backstory. There was no passive phrasing. So, good job here.

Overall, I was very satisfied with this chapter. You have shown yourself to possess a level of sophisticated writing uncommon to Wattpad. I'm looking forward to reading more from you soon!

Stakes and Tension: Without having read the previous 9 chapters, it's difficult to know just how this scene impacted already-established stakes. It definitely placed doubt in Leine's mind. Who else could want the Frenchman dead? Why use a bomb? Was someone else the intended target? Was she? These are all great to add tension. But, I think the tension could be ramped up even more if Leine somehow realized what Ilya was about to do and attempted to stop him, only to fail in the end. Add even more stakes by mentioning a family of innocent bystanders entering the café just before the explosion. This little addition would fuel our distaste for Ilya and lend a layer of humanity to Leine's otherwise cold character.

Setting: You certainly have the capacity for solid description as shown in several places. But there are also a few instances where your description is lacking. Others have mentioned the very beginning of the chapter where Leine is readying her sniper rifle. It isn't immediately clear that she's on a rooftop. It's an easy fix. I'm thinking, in the very second sentence, you could mention "the distant sound of traffic and briny sent of canal water wafting up on a cool breeze to the roof where she waited..." It make this particular sentence too long, but you get the idea. You'll figure it out.

You mention her appreciation for the architecture, but give no description of the specifics of the café where the bomb goes off – it's color, materials, style, signage, etc., or much regarding the layout of the street or surrounding area. It's hard to place the action in a setting this vague.

And, as others mentioned, Ilya could do with a bit more description – his clothes and hairstyle would help reinforce his age and demeanor. You mention his changing expressions as Leine interacts with him, but without a description of his face, we can't picture how those expressions look on his unique face. I'm sure you don't want to bog down this fast-paced scene with superfluous description, but just mention one or two more things. You'll always have opportunity to mention more later.

Regarding Author's Note

Main Characters:

As an assassin, Leine feels very capable. She's cold, precise, and quick-thinking. I'm sure she has more layers simply not touched on in this chapter, but in this particular scene, she's a little two-dimensional, lacking emotion or any sign of inner conflict (both of which are necessary for good wet-work). I look forward to reading more and seeing how her character is fleshed out.

Ilya seems like the pawn Leine takes him for. He may have guts, but his approach to work is sloppy and careless. He folded to Leine's pressure fairly easily. Much more than that cannot be determined about his character.

The Frenchman comes across as one whose evil stems from arrogance and an unwavering dedication to serving his own greed. At the moment, he seems a little flat as well. I hope that other chapters will reveal him to be a more rounded character with at least a few redeeming qualities. (Side Note: As others have said, I tend to be turned off by POV changes mid-chapter. I'm sure I know why you wrote it this way, but if there is another chapter soon after this one featuring the Frenchman's POV, I'd recommend moving his thoughts in this chapter to the later one.)

Network with this winner: TheAgminateMan

1st runner up: swiftiegirl1010

2nd runner up: PackerBacker2

Final Author's Note: Wow--what a great week of comments! I'm amazed and humbled by everyone's commitment and professionalism here at . It's been a fantastic experience -- it was difficult to choose from all the great feedback. Thanks to everyone who commented. Your input is invaluable and shows a high level of sophistication and knowledge of the craft of writing.

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Author #3: _cmturner_

Book Title: The Journey To Thebes

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: A huge thank you to organizers of NBR for this awesome opportunity! To say I've been looking forward to the spotlight would be an understatement. Please don't hesitate to point out any grammatical errors or awkward phrases. I have a thick skin so feel free to tear this chapter apart. :)

1. This is my first attempt to write a story from a man's POV, so I'm wondering how well I pulled it off. More specifically, I would like to know what your first impressions of Daniel are. Do you find him likable and were you able to connect with him?

2. As there's some Ancient Egyptian history strewn throughout, plus small snippets of backstory I felt were relevant to the scene, I'm wondering if this is well integrated or if there is too much exposition. Did this chapter flow well for you or did you find the historical references and backstory slowed down the scene and/or killed the tension? 

3. I am not a poetic person, so don't expect any flowery descriptions, but do you think there is enough detail of the setting and the characters to build a vivid enough picture of the scene and where can I improve on this if needed?

Genre: Adventure

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: >Oh hi there! Congrats you hit the spotlight! I, of course, remember good old Anubis up top. Not a problem, you asked some very specific questions which I can no doubt answer. Right, let's go then

>Your first question, Daniel. He's a rogue, but a likeable one. Some of his thoughts are quite amusing especially the less than flattering one about Ali, the hired hand. He also behaves in a suitably manly fashion (befitting a man with a bit of a temper) when he slams the chappie into the nearest wall. He's also a trained archaeologist, handy to have around as he can explain things in a credible fashion. He also is determined, straightforward and secure in what he's doing and makes a credible man for me. Works.

>Your second question, well hey, I can't get enough of artefacts strewn about, curses on the walls and mummies with gruesome faces. So this is really not the right question for me. I tried to take a neutral reader POV and even from that perspective things worked fine. REaders would read your adventure because they WANT to see things like mummies, masks and stuff, having all this up front is a clever hook and I thought you struck a good balance between descriptiveness and action.

This answers also your third question. I could visualise the tomb in my head, all the little nooks and crannies and that' just what I wanted. A solid old-fashioned (this is not meant negatively, to the contrary) adventure like they don't make them any more. I do see some issues, though but they are unrelated to your questions. Let's look at some of the details a bit more closely.

>First sentence. I would lose the still and either say 'This is grave robbery or we are robbing a grave for greater immediacy' The still links to a previous conversation, which shows the novel starts right in the thick of things - but somehow it read a bit oddly.

>Pesky tags... Anway, 'intended to retrieve an artefact' Sounds like they're the Egyptian Museum and authorised to do so. They were after an artefact. Broken into the tomb to get at an artefact.Something that makes the connection clearer. I also miss a link between the last sentence and the one before. If Ali is right and technically it IS grave robbery why does Daniel want to throw him out (because of the nagging, I know but this does not evolve from the sequence of sentences)

>squinted does not need 'his eyes'. It's implied. Go for focussed, lean writing.

>The walls were (built) of large sandstone bricks..Expertly placed in a straight line - expertly aligned? Then I would not have impeccably flat walls but something likeNot a single hieroglyph showed on the impeccably flat surface...

>the sentence about the experienced archaeologist reads odd. Does he mean himself? Why is he saying that? Does he want to justify his transgression?

>Link to next two para is also a bit sketchy. Daniel is in the tunnel and remembers how he got there. Okay, it might work. But I don't quite get it. Hassan just talked to him upon hearing he'S an archaologist and tells him there's a mastaba ready for break in (archaologist and archaeology are quite repetitive in these para) I would say that's the last thing one of these shady dealers would do (liked the description though) Ali's connection I don't understand. He approached him. Who? Daniel? How? Why? That requires a better explanation i.e how the guy fits into the picture.

>I like the way how Ali's voice echoes into the walls, but why he is he saying what he is saying. Still having bimbies about the grave robbing? It was a bit apropos of nothing.

>smaller, thin-framed man is a relapse into telling. Call him the weasel and we all get it.

>Tomb of the 18th Dynasty and mastaba? Does that go together? Where are they actually? I think you're missing a location. I would need to check my history books, and I'm too lazy to get up but I would check that. For me a mastaba is something fromt he first dynasties. I think for private people they built them much longer but latest in the 12th dynasty or so I would believe mastabas to have been out of commission?

>'Have a talk with them tomorrow about getting the furniture out' Who with? The El-AMin family and their beautiful daughters? Why would they let him take the stuff out? I mean, they're more likely to keep the lot for themself ???

>how can he know they still have time to look around?

remains pulverized. Mh. More like shredded.

>Ali says 'Curse. Even better..' Now, I know this is meant sarcastically but Ali doesn't strike me as sarcastic especially as he wines. Maybe he can invoke Allah's protection instead?

>the next move of Daniel's I found disgusting and out of character. He must have known there would be very little to find. He prays for the dead. But he cuts his wrappings which is really the absolute NONO even for a dodgy digger!

>That bit really did not work for me. Maybe the wrappings are ripped and the pendant has fallen to the side of the mummy and he shifts it around. That I can see him do. But cut it open. Bah! That did not work for me.

>Great hook at the end, worked for me. Okay, by now you'll be invoking your own special variety of curses. XDDD You got the Lina special because I know you. Hope it gives you some ideas and is helpful and not frustrating. I really ehem...dug deep. Would not normally do that, but of course this story is right down my street.

Network with this winner: LinaHanson

1st runner up: TheAgimateMan

2nd runner up: Infinitysbeyond

Final Author's Note: A huge thank you to everyone who participated this round! You all are the nitpickiest bunch I've ever met! I mean that in a good way. ;) You each brought a fresh perspective and that helped me to step back and look at the bigger picture.

I chose linahanson as a winner, because of your understanding of the genre and knowledge of the history. I enjoyed your enthusiasm and I'll always appreciate the thoroughness of your comments! Your critique will give me an awesome head start to whip this chapter into shape. Can't thank you enough for all your help!

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