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Friday May 20th - Friday May 27th

NBR World News:

40 rounds! We've come far, haven't we? NBR has spotlighted over 100 authors. Our contest peaked at over 70 comments per author, it's recognized by the Official Wattpad Community Profile, and our brand is recognized by folks at HQ.  We have as members, numerous Wattpad Ambassadors and a great handful of Featured Authors. NBR is not only a contest/book club, it's a collection of all of us: a community of avid readers and very intelligent, smart reviewers. Some of you have come to try the NBR experience, others have found a place to belong. Regardless, take pleasure in knowing that you have participated in a movement where no great author gets left behind. To properly celebrate the growth of our contest, the NBR Board welcomes to all of you:

√ The official #NBR Member Sash 

√ #NBR Triple Crowner Sash 

√ #NBR Spotlight Author Book Cover Sticker 

Instructions to apply these items to your book/profile will be in Chapter 6, following the newly released chapter titled How to be a spotlight Author, collaborated and written by the Triple Crowners. 

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Comment Topic: Any purposeful chapter should exist. Identify the conflict within the chapter.  

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Author #1 [WP Ambassador]: wrightstory

Book Title: Someone Hiding in the Shadows

Specified Chapter: The Dream

Summary Thus Far in Book: Athina's is a young girl in her 20s naive and alone in the world, involved in a passionate relationship with Jarod, a charismatic lawyer in his mid-thirties.

Their relationship slowly becomes darker and twisted, whilst Athina's platonic friendship with a stranger deepens, secrets across secrets.

Knife's edge fears about Athina's enigmatic fiancé mount with her life becoming full of shadows and deceit, putting her life in jeopardy.

Questions are raised as events unfold in a slow rumbling suspense which moves like a game of chess and burns to a dramatic climax and smoulders when an unexpected alliance is made.

Author's Note: Previously my book started slightly differently and further to being spotlighted last year I took on board other people's suggestions had a rethink and I completely changed the prologue, and later on decided to write a new first chapter and added a new beginning.

All the chapters that have been edited so far now have names, that give a hint to the chapter, further to a fellow NBR member's kind suggestion (yes I do listen to what you lovely people say).

My questions are:

(1) Do you like the first chapter - The Dream. If you recall or have read the book previously, do you also prefer this new beginning?

(2) Is The Dream dramatic enough for the start of the book and is there anything here that you think needs to be added to make this chapter more enjoyable ?

(3) Does the first chapter entice you to read on and if not what improvements do you think are needed here to make it smoother and glide the reader onto the subsequent chapters?

I am so excited that my book has come under the spotlight and I will get some fantastic feedback on my work. I am currently working with a beta reader at the moment whilst editing, so any new sets of eyes that assist in my book developing and becoming smoother is a welcome addition.

Kimberley S B Lieb (wrightstory)

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Congrats on being spotlighted. This is my first time reading your work, so I can't give feedback on changes. There were things in this chapter I really liked and some things that didn't work for me.

I can tell you worked hard to create tension and suspense, and there are some awesome places that are pack full of both. Other parts fall flat (more details to come).

Personally, I don't like opening with a dream. The exception might be a dream that reenacts or acts like a flashback or prologue to events that already happened. A reoccurring dream falls flat for me, and I feel cheated. A couple times I was really caught up in the danger and fear Athina's experienced, learning it wasn't real deflated my reading experience.

I do like opening scenes with lots of action, and this has action aplenty. Good job.

1) First, before I forget, watch your pronoun choices. A man is pursuing her, and she refers to him as they and uses their to describe instead of using he and his. At first the usage confused me, and I thought there were several people following her.

Example: "The assailant played with the large jagged hunting knife that they [he] held in their [his] gloved hands, passing the blade from one hand to the other as they [he] advanced towards her."

2) There's another problem in these sentences: repeat wording. This is a short chapter so your reader will remember what was said a few paragraphs earlier. I already know it's a large jagged hunting knife; "knife" works fine here because I know what kind of knife it is. Even 'gloved hands' could be cut. Part of the reason for suggesting this is that short, direct sentences make the reader read faster and makes the action seem faster. You can keep your reader as breathless as your protagonist. A good chase scene has lots of short clipped sentences. Long, ambling sentences slow the action.

3) Your conflict is hit and miss. The biggest reason is instead of creating scenes that unfold and show action and feelings, you move back and forth between showing and telling. The telling slows and waters down the action, and the story loses its conflict. You do this throughout and often lost my interest. Also, you fall back on cliches in several places.

Examples: The first two sentences are telling rather than showing, and the first sentence is a overused cliche.

If you had opened with the third sentence: "She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to stifle her screams. Tears slid down her face ..." you are showing the scene. Those sentences create conflict and grab my interest. I want to know why she's terrified, why she's trying not to scream, etc. I know she's terrified; I can see and feel it. Telling me she's "utterly terrified" doesn't do much, seeing her actions does.

Throughout the scene, the narrator tells us Athina's feelings rather than showing. It's more powerful to show. Trust your reader to know what terror and fear look like.

Example: "Athina looked back, she couldn't help herself (excellent if you cut "her horrified eyes" the rest of the sentence would work better); she caught the glint of the large jagged hunting knife (nice and specific!) ..."

I know it's strange that telling the emotion isn't as powerful as showing. I think our instinct is to tell our readers. Consider film, you see the protagonist running, looking back, and you see the knife in a gloved hand. My suggestion would be to go through the entire chapter and cut telling words, phrases, and sentences, as well as cliches. Then look at what you have. I think you'll be surprised at the improvement and how good this scene is.

4) I know that opening dream sequences are my personal preference, but I wanted to point out a couple of things. Dreams aren't linear. They jump around and often don't make sense. This chapter doesn't have the feel of a dream. It feels like reality.

As a reader, I feel as if this dream sequence is a trick to get me interested in a story that really isn't going to be slam bang action—at least at first. If the action in the dream does happen later, why not start the story there?

Perhaps the biggest conflict issue is that when the dream is over, all the conflict vanishes.

Also, this is the first chapter, and there was conflict in the dream, but not when she wakes up very little is happening. What's the conflict for the story? I don't know. Something has to be at stake.

5) Sequencing of action: often the sequence of your action is off a little.

For action to be believable, it has to happen as it would in real life. The trick is to slow down what often happens in milliseconds into it's parts.

Example: "She stepped cautiously out of the doorway." (that's logical) "She grasped and screamed in horror." (not logical because she wouldn't scream until she has something to react to. She sees her path blocked—readers need to see it too.) In life, she'd step out, see the man who is following her, then scream. People react to something, show what that something is. —A girl looks across the room and sees her ex, the love of her life; her hands shake; she turns away hiding her face. if someone is with her and the story is from his point of view, he sees her look across the room, her hands sake and she hides her face. He looks to see what or who she is reacting too. Now he suspects that his girl, who says she's over his ex, isn't over him.

Sequencing is powerful. My guess is that you were going for surprise, but your reader will be more surprised and more frightened, if Athina feels safe, steps out, sees the terror or better yet, a gloved hand grabs her by the arm . . . now your reader will feel like screaming right along with Athina.

Sequencing problems come up when she's running for her life. In life and death situation, we don't stop to think about things.

Example: while running she thinks, "She had no idea who would want to harm her? She pondered for what reason they [he] would be following her? Why would they [he] want to hurt her?"

She's running and the only thing on her mind would be getting away. She would be completely focused on escape and not puzzling over why. That comes later when she's not in immediate danger. A little bit later, when she's hiding and waiting, those thoughts would work; she has some down time to think.

6) I think I've hit your first two question. #3 Does the first chapter entice me to read on. Probably not, primarily because the action isn't real, and because I've come to the end of chapter one, and I don't know what the story is about. Is it an action story? A love story? A story about a girl who needs therapy? The opening chapter sets the tone for the entire book.

If you want to keep the dream, try to connect it to Athina when she wakes. Does she have premonitions and does she know this is going to happen to her? Everyone has reoccurring dreams, but to be important to the story, they have to matter. Terry Brooks starts his book "Armageddon's Children" with a dream that the reader knows really happened. So when the protagonist wakes, a reader then interrupts his current life and his past experience together. Plus the dream tell us what he's up against.

Books writes fantasy, but it still might be helpful to read the first few pages. The dream isn't long. You can check out the first few pages on Amazon.

Good luck. You have a nice start!

Network with this winner: CoraFoerstner

1st runner up: Tegan1311

2nd runner up: KurokageJ

Final Author's Note: So thanks everyone for reading my chapter.

Christine_Owen, Victoria_Brooks, PackerBacker2,  ihardison

Ashanina Jenna_lives KristinMahnke jbmajzner LeighWStuart
mamoritai wordsinsilk KillYourDarlings7 ktflynn
GirlsCanRockToo leah_tee AmeVicky02 xtoverus QuinnTrestavell
Kates567 h_coyle iamnotelise

Avaadore22 all made good points which I will look at.

PJWhittlesea Thanks for your advice and comments which I duly note.

ElleLeeLove made a point that stuck with me..."metal taste" – I will
definitely be using that. Deep thanks and respect.

IVM992 made a particular good point regarding "assailant" – deep thanks.

TheAgminateMan I may not be everyone's cup of tea but starting a
sentence "be prepared for brutal honestly" is rather rude in my
estimation to put in a critique. I always consider the boot on the
other foot approach. I do listen to everyone's viewpoints and I
digest the critique, as I wish to improve as a writer - so I take it
on the chin. I did however pull from his critique that maybe it was a
little too cliché, which I didn't realise. I will now tweak this and
add twists to make it more unexpected. Thank you.

Am pleased that these readers enjoyed the chapter and want to read on:

clinquant ccdymond28 KristinMahnke drahcirwolf TheRecklessRebel
playboystiles Thin-Tin-Missy zaramorrison rosegluckwriter

I also note your comments which I will consider when editing.

I would love to hear what they think of the rest of the book.

In particular the comments of CoraFoerstner (1st Place) Tegan1311
(2nd Place) KurokageJS (3rd Place) were amazing constructive and
very thought provoking and have given me a clear idea of what I need
to change to make the chapter, smoother, sharper and better. I plan
to add an added occurrence into the chapter and a twist near the end
that will make this even more powerful as a chapter.

I have tried to consider everyone's comments but it's almost Friday
lunchtime in the UK and I am about to go on hols so I have to write
this up now.

Thanks everyone for voting for my short story – for which I came 2nd.
Many thanks J gush gush.

Kelly Anne Blount has invited me to be part of the Wattpad Block Party
so I am feverishly working on stuff to be ready by the cut off date.
Watch my newsfeed for more information.

I have only been writing properly for a year now, so please everyone
please bear that in mind. I am learning as I go.

I hope everyone will at some point look again at the chapter for me
and just let me know by a simple one liner if they think it is better
or not after I have edited. That really assists and I often offer
that to fellow members.

Cheers everyone. Thanks for your time in reading my story and I will
have plenty to consider whilst I am drinking cocktails in sunny Salou.

Kimberley S B Lieb (wrightstory)

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Author #2 [WP Featured Author, WP Ambassador]: JesseSprague

Book Title [Wattpad Featured Story]: Spider's Game

Specified Chapter: The Count's Son (the third section of the novel)

Summary Thus Far in Book: The first chapter introduced another side of the story. The first chapter introduces the reader to Silvia, the spider queen, and her mate who happens to be a giant spider. She informs a man she just met, Henri Trehar, that she is going to use his connections to get off-world.

Author's Note: Well, I suppose thanks for the spotlight ;) This group has amazed me so far, both the people working on it and all the authors. I'm really happy to take part. As for what I would like to know from you:

1. Please tell me any places where you feel the story is not clear and where you are or are not engaged.

2. What are your reactions/thoughts on the character? Given the length of the section I don't expect you to know a ton.

Genre: Scifi 

Rating: PG 13- nothing explicit or overly descriptive but upsetting topics are mentioned

Winning Comment: First of all, let me just mention that the spider going up the girl's back in the cover totally freaks me out, but in a good way! We shouldn't judge by the cover, but a good cover can really draw in potential readers!

For your questions, please note I can be rather brutally honest, but it's just my opinion:

1. Clarity and engagement:

I was a bit confused by the setting at the beginning (it could be because I only read this chapter), but a tumble with a village girl in an open field with his driver hanging out nearby in the car? He's rich, but can't afford a pop-up tent? Later, I was shocked to learn he's only 19; he talks like a 40 year old with years of experience. Maybe this is justified later by the story and backstory, but he didn't feel young to me at the beginning. There were also some inconsistencies when he is walking through town. He didn't want to use magic in the car, but later uses it not to be noticed (that's all right), but then you mention that since people know him, they don't offer their wares. They would look past him, perhaps? Does he drop the spell when he asks for Timothy? (great hook, by the way. That alone makes me want to read on!) My engagement was medium warm, until the end.

2. We get some good character stuff, but he doesn't seem to have much personality. He wants to be different from his father, but still dallies with the maidens in the fields. This is pretty standard fare for a young, rich man. Again, it's only towards the very end that he starts to become intriguing. Could this be alluded to earlier on? Can you bring out some quirks, depth or dilemma at the beginning, so we have a better feel for him immediately?

Overall, great writing! :-)

Network with this winner: LeighWStuart

1st runner up: swiftiegirl1010

2nd runner up: chayAlvalerias

Final Author's Note: The winner for me was LeighWStuart. I Don't know if it matters why I chose who I did, but I chose this comment because it was the only one to locate a subtle mistake I'd made in revisions. It wasn't glaring but once it was pointed out it was clearly completely wrong. So though the comment wasn't overly wrong it gave me something that I would have been embarrassed to have a publisher see. I was surprised how positive most people were as I was sort of geared from looking at previous weeks for getting a trashed a bit. Not meanly of course, just that anything negative about our work hurts. This was surprisingly painless.

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Author #3 [WP Featured Author]: ihardison

Book Title [WP Featured Story]: The book - Escape (Book One of Alliance Series)

Specified Chapter: The Fence, Ch 3

Summary Thus Far in Book:This chapter takes place some years earlier than the main events of the book and is basically a way to give a bit of an insight into one of the main characters. But beyond that, it's self-contained. In the two chapters preceding this we learn a bit about Amelia's life at the compound and what led to these girls being locked up in this manner in the first place. This chapter is a way for us to see where Riley, the outsider comes from.

Author's Note: Thanks so much for the opportunity. The books (all of them) are finished, so I'm not looking for plot or character development recommendations at this stage. I'd like to know if the readers can relate to Riley in this chapter, if they can picture his walk(s) and what he was thinking and feeling.

Genre: YA

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: General Feedback:

I started out paying attention to your syntax and grammar, but pretty quickly gave that up and dove head first into the story. But I'm just gonna paste them below anyway, but keep in mind I stopped like one or two paragraphs into the story. Watch your use of pronouns. Sometimes it's harder than it should to know which 'he' and 'him' refers to whom, and you can stand to use Riley instead of 'he' and 'him' more often. You're missing some transitional clauses. "Ever since he'd lost Ella" should have "that was because" in front of it just to smooth over the transition. Watch your comma use. The newness of the buds and the flies and the bugs probably should be separated by a semi colon or a full break. He didn't talk to Brody for six months after, not 'hadn't' . Your natural story telling abilities are astounding. You move the dial between actions, thoughts, and feelings with seamless expertise, and they all join together to give us an exceptionally textured view of the character. I.e. how you transitioned from Riley thinking about his dad chewing on a herb, then to their herb garden, then to how his mom knew better than to take them in. All of that weaves together a very informative and interesting back story about Riley that makes us care about him and identify with him. Then you transition that into his mother and the way her eyes lit up, and back to how Ella's disappearance/kidnap impacted her, and then to him finding his house deserted and how it relates back to when Ella had disappeared. The 'wrongness'. The missed clues (dog collar). Brody's reaction. I can't really even capture all of it. You draw out emotions so well, and you clearly understand them. The whole "unthink all of it" would certainly ring bells for anyone who's gone through any kind of traumatic experience. The notion that you can unthink it. The way the townspeople were acting. The lack of dialogue. The pace.Everything has a cohesion to it. I think that's the magic at work here. It's the way you think and write. It's as if you've got a really through impression/image/sequence of events in your head, and you're showing us little bits at a time. When I read this chapter I feel utterly immersed in this fictional world, and I don't really even question that there's a narrator telling me the story. This level of confidence your writing inspires is really impressive. For example, even in the flashback of the flashback (Ella), you don't just tell it to us for no reason. Everything relates BACK to Ella's disappearance, which amplifies the loss the kid feels now. The only improvement I can see is copy editing/formatting, but this is so minor compared to how good the story actually is. Comment Topic: Purpose is to build reader empathy towards Riley, as well as to provide a character background - motivations for why he hates the alliance. Author's Question: This story/character is VERY relatable. Not even because I've gone through what he has, but purely because you described it so well. Instead of describing HIS sadness, it's like you're describing sadness as an emotion. You do it through the pace and mood and word choice. It's done incredibly well. It's particularly relatable because you never tell us anything. Everything is shown. We're shown exactly what past trauma has led to Riley's behaviour. We're shown the townspeople. We can hear their silence. We're shown Brody's taciturn expression. We see the dog collar lying there. When you don't EXPLAIN emotional cues, they become THAT much more impactful. A broken collar lying on the floor is sad. Anyone should be able to understand that. A crowd full of sorrowful smiles that don't have the spark of life means one thing, and you show it to us. You also set up the sombre mood with the back story about the herbs and lack of pipe filler. Yes, I can absolutely see everything.Your choice of descriptive detail also works well with the pace of the scene. There's not an overload of descriptions, which makes sense because his memory/vision is blurry. it's blurry because he's crying. he's crying because his family disappeared, as his sister had. The bits of backstory you show us all help set up a tone of despair and sorrow. You don't distract us with meaningless descriptions about what people look like. Why? Because they're not important. What's important now is that his parents are missing. What's important now is mood and tone and not what things/people look like.

Network with this winner: JohnPDerby

1st runner up: rosegluckwriter (for catching the philosophical and the symbolic in this piece)

2nd runner up: Tegan1311 (for solving a pronoun problem I couldn't solve for the life of me)

Final Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time and for delving in. Kudos especially to readers who either can't stand the genre or the stylistic and narrative liberties of the type I engage in. I'm thrilled that at least some of you in this group could relate to my characters, even without the benefit of context or physical descriptions of people and places. And for those of you who'd added my book to your reading lists - I'm thrilled you were hooked enough to want to follow this meandering journey.

inna-

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Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

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