Comment Topic: Imagery is defined as "the use of vivid or figurative language to represent objects, actions, or ideas". Comment on what aspect of the chapter had the most imagery effect for you. How was the writer able to convey it?

*freedictionary.com

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Author #1: ktflynn

Book Title: Valterra

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: None

Author's Note: Well hello :) Ok quickly a shout out to DawnStarling for creating such an awesome forum for us to share our work and practice critiques, a big thank you!

As for the Chapter highlighted, this is the first chapter I ever wrote for anything fiction, so I just want to know if it's a good starting point for my story and if it makes you want to read more. Any errors I'd be glad to have pointed out. Also, what is your first impression of Avos, the MC? Thats it! Thanks everyone :)

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Fantasy

Winning Comment: Hi Katie, I have read your chapter a few times and have started crafting some of my comments. Like Heather H_Cole   I do not usually attend to grammar and spelling. I think I will go into the direction of embedded description, flow of the narrative, and possibly planting and the narrator voice. If you make substantial edits, please let me know. So I can adjust accordingly. Overall, found the narrative enticing. Look forward to my comments probably late tomorrow evening. Thanks, Chayton

Hi Katie,

In this post, I continue writing about embedded description. Before I begin, I would like to reference an article by Anne Marble that closely aligns with my views. 

As I mentioned earlier, the idea here is to engage the reader within the movement/pace of the story while revealing aspects of the scenery/character/other description. Your paragraphs 3 and 4 would be ideal for this type of embedded description. Consider the following sample of what this might look like:

Avos lifted the hood of his wool cloak and trampled back down the hill top towards his aunt's farmland. He surveyed the log house, which stood between the sheep's field and a small piece of land used for cultivation. Thunder roared in the sky behind him, and he scattered along the edge of a forest filled with yew trees and bristle-cone pine. He rested, taking cover from the rain by one of these trees. In Valterra, legends recounted stories of when trees could speak to you if you listened hard enough. Avos had lived here in South Valterra for as long as he could remember and not once had he ever had the privilege of carrying on a conversation with a tree. He glanced up and glimpsed the rolling meadows that lay beyond the log house, which were left untouched. He'd often stroll through the tall grass and let his mind wander and his worries dissipate. The rain fell harder now, bouncing off the bark, tapping him madly on his hood. He scurried further down the hill to the barn. (Please note, this is just a sample and may not accurately reflect the landscape you had in mind.) As a reader, notice how description occurs naturally alongside actions that Avos takes on his way to the barn. Also see that the thunder and rain force him onward. Finally, note that the verbs in this sample convey concrete actions (e.g., no linking verbs). In this way, the reader is led down the path to the log house rather than merely reading about it.

Flow of Narrative

Alex and Sarah have already picked up on what I was going to comment with regards to the flow of the narrative. See their comments here:

Alecc0 The description of the land is great and really helps build the world, but I think, in general, in might be a tiny bit slow going for an opening chapter. Maybe you could remove some of the history you mention, unless it's relevant to the current part of the story. If there's some bits that are there just to add texture and history, then maybe you can save them for another time, not when you want to really tell the reader what the story is and what the action is.

sarahklwilson I also found this chapter to be very exposition heavy. I wonder if some of those details could be shared at a later date? Hearing how his family got to the farm or how they use their side fields for walking isn't very interesting when I'm not yet invested in these people. I would find those details more interesting if they were scattered throughout the first few chapters.

I agree. I recommend removing paragraph five (begins with "This secluded farm oasis..") and six (begins with "During this transition"). These details can come out in the form of dialogue, flashback or internal dialogue. Sample:

"She had long watched her son stare into the darkening skies. Had moving from their original home of Endure to Valterra been a mistake? Then again, after losing everything they had in the war, did they really have a choice? She eyed the looming clouds and hoped that there would be one, maybe two years yet before he left the estate. She pleaded with the Light, not yet, don't take my baby yet."

Narrator's Voice

Hello again, Katie. The narrator's voice can be a powerful tool especially for communicating irony or for foreshadowing an event to come. Consider those famous first lines from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's book "Chronicle of a Death Foretold":

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On the day they were going to kill him, Santiago Nasar got up at five-thirty in the morning to wait for the boat the bishop was coming on. He'd dreamed he was going through a grove of timber trees where a gentle drizzle was falling, and for an instant he was happy in his dream.

__

Here, the phrase "on the day they were going to kill him" contains the narrator's warning of what is to happen. This small phrase deftly grabs the reader's attention, heightens the conflict/tension brooding, and reveals Santiago's complete unawareness of his imminent demise.

I think the narrator's voice should be used in a manner like this: short, simple, but highly suggestive. In your introduction, the narrator states: "He didn't know it, but his very presence in the world put his life at risk. If he didn't act fast, all life on his planet would slowly start to deteriorate. But he stood firm, unaware of the dangers that surrounded him or what lay around the corner of his fate." Instead, I think that a more pithy statement like, "How could he really know the danger that surrounded him?" or "He couldn't fathom the danger surrounding him at that very moment." Any line of this nature, would definitely serve the purpose of grasping the reader's attention and heightening the conflict/tension.

Like a few have commented already, I also liked that last line from the narrator. "He could make or break the rain with a single uttered word."

I hope these suggestions are helpful. Happy writing!

-ChayAvalerias

Follow this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up: Sidney-C-Grey

2nd Runner Up:PpSqueek88

Final Author's Note: Wow what a great week! I learned so, so much from all of you. Amazing how knowing a few new rules can really impact how you see your own work. I am absolutely grateful to all of you who took the time to explain something or just have enthusiasm about this story. With that said it was very, very, very hard to pick the winners! So what I did was picked the most memorable comments that stood out to me as I was editing. But because of all of you and NBR, my story is now ranking in fantasy and continues to climb! Merci Merci Merci. See you all again soon :)

Katie

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Author #2: Holly_Gonzalez

Book Title: Beauty In The Bones

Specified Chapter: Chapter 17 "A Daring Declaration"

Summary Thus Far in Book: This story spans years and a lot of drama, so I'll just clue you in to the immediate situation. Fifteen-year-old Silas Blane attends a prestigious boarding school on the homeworld, and encounters a girl he'd met when he was a child. He's got a terrible crush, but the problem is she's the daughter and heir of his family's greatest business rival. They shared an awkward kiss during a game of Truth or Dare at a party days before, and now neither of them can stop thinking about each other. A clandestine tryst may be the start of something irresistible, but they face dire punishment if caught together. In a world of rigid etiquette and expectation, choosing to follow one's heart isn't always an easy path.

Author's Note: Hello everyone, I chose this later chapter because I struggle with sensual scenes--trying not to be overly descriptive or sappy, lol. I'd love to know what you think of the imagery used, the overall balance between prose and dialogue, and if the characters come across as real enough. Feel free to tear it up, I appreciate every bit of help :)

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: Hello! Thanks for sharing your story!

Okay, first thing's first. Imagery! What stuck to me the most, visually, is the scene when Silas was approaching the library. The roses, the bluebells, the description about the grandeur of the building-all of it were so vivid for me. Also, the strongest auditory imagery is when the raindrop was described. I don't know but the word "sloshed" just sit so right with me. :D

So anyway, to your author's note... I don't think you have a problem with your prose. You have a unique style of handling your descriptions and for this story, I think that fits. Maybe a few times it gets a tiny bit sappy but since I'm jumping right into the 17th chapter, I'm not really sure because that just might be part of Silas' character. xD

The dialogues are lovely, at least for me. I have no problem with the amount of your description and dialogue. This chapter is already well-written; I only have a few suggestions (that you're totally welcome to ignore) to tighten your narrative.

So.. here they are:

— I watched her glide out the door, utterly besotted. As I was about to leave, I noticed...

Since we know we're in Silas' POV, words such as I watched, I felt, I noticed, I saw, I heard, etc. are unnecessary words and would only lead you to "telling" us what's happening rather than "showing" us. It would tighten your writing if you get rid of these and show the scene to us exactly as how it's unfolding for Silas. Also, instead of naming "besotted", it would connect more to the readers if you describe and show it.

Consider something like this: She glided out the door and my gaze followed her every move. As I was about to leave, a square of coral silk caught my eye. Her handkerchief lay in delicate folds at my feet.

— Mother sounded upset. I wondered why, but refused to let it dampen my spirits.

Instead of telling us he's wondering and such (we're in his POV, if he wonders about something, we're going to know it), show it instead.

Consider something like this: Mother sounded upset. What could have happened? But I couldn't think of it now.

— Her sweet mouth was but a gateway. Fear mingled with desire, and I staggered to the rail for support.

Here, instead of naming the emotions 'fear' and 'desire', you could describe it instead. You already described his desire pretty well, so try to do it with fear as well. I don't know much about the story since this is chapter 17 so I don't really know what would count as fear in this context but try something like this: Her sweet mouth was but a gateway. But then the face of my family flashed on my head, their eyes full of warning, and I staggered to the rail for support.

— ...a ray of sunset piercing into my unshielded eyes. Glaring pain tore through me. I threw up a hand...

You're naming the emotion again (pain). Try to describe it instead. Consider: ...a ray of sunset piercing into my unshielded eyes. I winced, threw up a hand and hurried to put on my glasses.

— Dread gripped me. "They want you..."

You're naming 'dread'. Try to describe it instead. Consider: My stomach dropped and my voice dropped to a whisper. "They want you..."

Avoiding 'telling' words and avoiding naming emotions would help connect the POV character more to the readers, especially when you show and describe it instead. Anyway, I hope this will somehow help you. The suggestions are totally, well, just suggestions. xD Again, this chapter is already well-written as it is, so you may totally ignore my suggestions, but I do think it will really tighten your narrative.

Anyway, that's all. Thanks for sharing your story!

And I just want to say that this is my favorite line <3: — I sent it to her, along with the last common sense I had left. - Jjyves14

Follow this Winner: Jjyves14

1st Runner Up: ChayAvalerias

2nd Runner Up: TheJennyHaniver

Final Author's Note: This was a fantastic opportunity, and it was much too hard only picking three winners...Every one of you gave me such awesome feedback and encouragement. I've had a love/hate relationship with this chapter for a good while, and hearing what all of you had to say has elevated my writing overall into a new plane. Not exaggerating, this has been some of the best advice I've ever received from readers, and I appreciate every one of you taking the time. I'm thrilled so many of you enjoyed the chapter and the strange future-past world I'm creating here. To each and every one of you I bow my head in most sincere and humble gratitude. Thank you, thank you, and I wish all of you the best in your writing and reading!

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Author #3: masheena

Book Title: The Flaming Sea

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: None

Author's Note: Thank you all for reading my book! I'm honored to be spotlighted this week. This early in the book, I don't have too many questions, but...

1) What do you think of the main character?

2) The first time I wrote this three years ago, it was a re-write of The Little Mermaid. Then it turned into its own thing, and I promise that other than a few recognizable traits (MC has red hair, is a good singer, is a mermaid princess who turns into a human), there are no other similarities. That being said, do those similarities bother you at all? Do you think it would be better if I got rid of all the similarities?

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Fantasy

Winning Comment: To be honest, I don't think I would have noticed the similarities if you hadn't told me about it (b/c I'm dense like that haha). I think it's more because you introduced her talent first as songwriting and then the singing, although arguably more important, came after.

If you're plugging this story as a little Mermaid rewrite then it's obviously not an issue, but if you're keeping it as something separate then go for it. Hair colour and a good voice won't detract from your writing as a whole, just be prepared for all the "Hey, your main character sounds a bit like..." comments.

I think the book opens a little slowly for a first chapter, especially the lines from "If humans could see it...before it ended." which could have been shown to the reader at the actual ceremony or while the MC was preparing for it.

Man, her dad is such a hard-ass. I can't stand him already lol

Couple of edits:

"...why the next day of school hadn't been canceled." Is it an american thing to spell cancelled with just one l? I normally spell it with two, but I'm British, so it might be just me...

"Willem looked at the eldest of the Posdon children..." this line seems really out of place every time I read it. I think there are less clunky ways to get this information across.

"Wait outside for your sister and me." I dunno, it reads a little weird this way. Try switching it to "me and my sister." Or just "us." That's purely personal, but it stuck out when I read it...

"and he had a sense of humour that could kill baby turtles." AHAHAHAHAHA

"At least he doesn't flit around like he has no brain..." missing a speech mark at the end of this sentence :P

I've always wondered how crying works underwater. Hmmm.

Imagery, Imagery...to begin with, you have a brilliant talent at worldbuilding - describing the mer people and their culture and everything - and creating vivid images for the reader - from the clothes they wear to the things their furniture - even their paper - is made from. I was blown away at the level of detail you'd put into this, and for me, those little details really made this chapter!

It's an interesting conundrum here, because the amount of time you spend describing slightly trivial things does slow down the narrative, but at the same time I loved reading about it so much I can't suggest that you tone it down without feeling like it would detract from the vivid picture you paint here. I think it pays off well, actually - in this case it's better to have the imagery than the flow. This is chapter one, mind you, so if hooking readers is a concern then you could consider easing off the description in this chapter specifically, and then introducing it more in later chapters. But really, I like it how it is :)

I also like how easily you developed the characters and their relationships (i.e. Aryalin and her father, and with Willem) - with the exception of the kids, but you've got a whole book ahead of you so it's chill. As for what I think of the main character, from what I've seen from her she's not the kind of character I really like, to be honest. Again, that's a personal thing. But I empathise with her. She's got a bit of a sense of humour, talented but not too bigheaded, and we can see she's fed up with her life - the constant monitoring, her overbearing father - and wants a change. So I'll definitely root for her, which is the goal :)

Great work here, keep it up! - twin_cities

Follow this Winner: twin_cities

1st Runner Up: Medscifi

2nd Runner Up: AlecHutson

Final Author's Note: The feedback last week was wonderful! It was the first real feedback I received on this book so it was much appreciated. And oh my, it was sooooo hard to choose my favorite comment! I had a list of about fifteen people at one point. Other comments I loved in addition to the winning comment and runners-up were from Tetras, CheyAvalerias, Heavenlyhash333, a-dora-ble, Tegan1311, h_coyle,EmilyCharlotteCooledge,Lotte_Holder, Alecc00, jjyves14 and writervid. So many!! In the end, I chose twin_cities for the winning comment. I like insightful comments that look into the world-building, the characters, and the plot. twin_cities was honest and friendly, and really delved into the meat of my story to point out where it could improve. All of the wonderful comments helped and I think I have some great ideas for a re-write now. Thank you all, and thank you DawnStarling for organizing this amazing club! :)

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