Chapter Seven

We were assigned nurses. The girls got Lorelei and the boys got Travis. After lunch we were taken back to our rooms so we could settle in and hear how things worked when we were at the hospital. Lorelei was young, maybe twenty-four. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she wore form-fitting scrubs instead of the baggy ones the other hospital staff had on. She seemed to radiate sunshine as she walked and her voice was almost childlike, so sweet that at times it made my ears hurt. I liked her immediately.

"Your parents have been asked to send you clothes. The packages should get here tomorrow, but for now we have some T-shirts you can wear and some black pants or shorts. The underwear are all brand new—I ask that you please throw them away when yours arrive from home, as we don't reuse them, but I'll take back the pants, shorts, and T-shirts." She passed out a few items to Shima, Aideen, and myself.

The beds were simply made, just a sheet, blanket, and pillow. I knew I wouldn't feel safe anywhere I slept, so I didn't rush to claim one. As Lorelei motioned for a drawer to open and explained something, the three of us girls stood at the entrance solemnly watching her. I wondered if they were thinking the same thing I was: that I didn't belong there. I didn't belong this far away from my parents, in a room with strangers, in a medical center in a state I'd never been to. Maybe that's why it never felt like I was truly in my body.

In another world maybe Lorelei could have been my residential advisor and these beds could have been in the dorm room of the college of my choice. Maybe Shima and Aideen could be my roommates and tomorrow we could be starting our first day of a new adventure. In another life, maybe I wouldn't space out when people were talking to me. Maybe I would be able to concentrate like I used to and fall asleep without fearing the dark corners of my mind. Maybe in another life . . . I'd want to live.

"Koralee?" Lorelei asked as she moved a little closer. "I want you to pick a bed first." She looked at each bed slowly as if to point to each with her eyes. I hurried to catch up, feeling my heart beating quickly and causing a choking sensation as if it was trying to escape through my throat. I swallowed a few times in an attempt to push it back down.

"It's fine. Someone else can choose." I folded my arms tightly across my chest, holding myself in an effort to soothe the panic I felt creeping back. How could I be so exhausted and yet my heart could still have enough juice to pump so powerfully my lungs could barely keep up? I hated when eyes were on me.

Lorelei shook her head. "No. I think it's best if you choose, honey. Outside edge or the one in the middle? Closest to the door or farthest? Close your eyes and take a minute. Think of where you'd get the most rest. Where you think you'd be able to . . . relax." Her voice was soft and reassuring.

I closed my eyes, more to appease her than to figure out an answer. I already knew that it didn't matter where I was, I'd never again be able to close my eyes and rest without a million thoughts buzzing like angry bees inside my skull. Never. "I'll take the one closest to the door."

"Okay." She smiled at me when I opened my eyes and then pointed to the bed next to mine. "Aideen, you can take this one so you can get in and out easily if you need to get up and stretch your legs." Aideen nodded and moved to sit on her bed, giving it a little bounce once she landed on it. Shima moved to the last bed.

We tucked our few items of clothing into the drawers and I noticed there were other necessities inside already: a toothbrush and paste, a hairbrush, lotion, soap, towel, rag, and socks. Maybe if I pretended enough I could fool myself into thinking this was a hotel instead of a hospital for crazy teenagers. Did it really matter, though? No. All that mattered was it wasn't my house and it wasn't my school. I didn't have the heavy weight of expectations here and the constant visual reminder that I was letting my parents and brother down by not being able to get my shit together. In a way I had still managed to disappear.

Maybe my brother would actually have a normal birthday now that the focus wouldn't be on me. It was so ironic that the harder I tried to get everyone to stop paying attention to me, the more it seemed to draw their eyes in my direction. It was like turning off all the lights to hide in the dark, but then realizing you'd been holding a candle the whole time. In a few days my little brother was going to turn sixteen. As long as he got something from me in the mail, my absence wouldn't be a big deal; he could enjoy his day as if I was just otherwise detained. That happened all the time, right? Away at college, stuck in a snowstorm, no money for a ticket—there were a lot of reasons why someone couldn't be there for your birthday. He could tell any of those narratives over the truth: his sister was in the nuthouse because she had swallowed a warehouse-sized bottle of aspirin in an unsuccessful attempt to take her life.

Lorelei gave us a quick tour of the floor, pointing out the craft room, the TV room, and the library where we were allowed to hang out if we weren't required to be eating, sleeping, meeting, or on an outing. Then she told us we could find her around if we needed her and she'd check in on us from time to time. We separated, Shima wandering off into the library and Aideen heading for the bathroom again. She was getting shakier as the day went on and the jovial mood from earlier had begun to turn into an irritated one. Her skin took on a shade of greenish gray before each trip to the restroom. She was hurting physically, but it was none of my business so I didn't ask questions.

I headed down the hall, thinking I'd visit the small room set up with crafts. I was so focused on the gleam of the shiny floor I never heard Marco approaching from behind me.

"Hey." His voice shook me. I shrieked and spun around, the color draining from my face. His expression fell immediately. "I'm sorry," he apologized quickly, holding his hands up and taking a step back.

I put my hands on my chest and sucked in air. Lorelei appeared from the end of the corridor, walking slowly to make sure I saw her before she got too close. She ducked into my view and asked, "Are you okay?" as she reached for me, but I pulled away and nodded instead of taking her hand. I let my hair fall over my face again.

"I was just going to ask if I could come with you," Marco explained, clearly feeling awful that something as simple as stepping up behind me had caused such distress. Anxiety had turned hallways into a breeding ground of torment for me. He rubbed at the back of his neck and waited while I gasped for air. I covered my ears and closed my eyes, trying hard to block out the outside so I could steady myself quicker. Those were the only tricks that seemed to help sometimes.

"Bubbles," Marco said calmly in a soothing voice that was different from the suspicious tone he'd been using since he got here. I took another step away, shaking my head and bending over. Lorelei watched, but didn't intervene. "Koralee," Marco tried again. "Blow bubbles. Big, big bubbles." My eyes met his and I watched as he demonstrated. He expanded his chest, drawing in a large breath, and then slowly blew the air out from his pursed lips. "Big and slow."

I was trembling as I stood up taller. Marco held up a hand near his mouth like he had an invisible bubble wand. He opened his lips to take in another breath and then blew through them as if a bubble would appear. I hadn't realized it, but I was following his lead. My lungs protested, feeling restricted instead of expanding. I blew the air out and tried again. This time Marco guided me, rolling his hand as if to say keep going. "That's it," he whispered. "Big bubble."

Lorelei nodded at Marco and turned and left us together. It was just the two of us in the hallway; many of the other kids were in the TV room watching reruns of family-friendly shows that could be heard echoing down the corridors. I dropped my trembling hands from my ears and slowly crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Thank you." My voice sounded as fragile as I felt. I was vulnerable and raw and I was just so tired of feeling that way. "How did you know how to do that?" I couldn't look him in the eye, so instead I kicked around something imaginary on the floor.

"My dad used to get those attacks, too. He would be fine one minute and then trying to get out of his own skin the next. We had to go to therapy on base to learn how to help him. I didn't like going, but I guess I did learn a thing or two." Marco leaned his shoulder against the wall. His large frame made me feel small.

"Did they go away?" I asked, lifting my eyes and allowing them to stay on his for a brief moment. I wanted the truth, but he could probably tell I also needed to hear it would all go away. I guess he couldn't give me that; instead he shook his head.

"He went away before they did." He rubbed at his chest as if trying to sooth from the outside the pain on the inside. "But it can be different for you."

"I'm not so sure." I shifted my weight and looked over my shoulder down the hall. "You can come with me if you want. I'm just going to make my brother a birthday card. I'm not sure if they'll let me send it, but I haven't ever missed one and it's making my anxiety terrible." I took another step away, putting even more space between us. Why had I invited him? For months I'd been pushing everyone away. It was almost second nature now, but for some reason I hadn't pushed him.

**Please remember to vote!**