Chapter Seventeen

The next day we all showed up in the conference room as before, but everything was still hidden away. Any evidence of what had happened in that room yesterday was gone. We each grabbed a chair and pulled it to the center of the room, anticipating the next session of group therapy with Dr. Crimm. We all looked tired from the night before. I was still struggling to fall asleep and stay asleep with the fear that I wasn't in control of who could enter my room. I'd ended up on the floor again after deciding a punishment would be worth the peace of mind I'd have knowing no one could enter without me waking up.

Lorelei had been our night nurse. She didn't scold me or shame me for my need to control at least that aspect of my life. She simply stepped over me and checked on Aideen, who was doing much better, and then on Shima's wounds. She'd offered me an extra pillow before stepping past me again. It felt as if we had an unspoken agreement that I was going to stay on the floor pressed up against the door, and she was going to ignore it.

We could hear Dr. Crimm outside the meeting room as she approached, talking on her phone. "No. That's not what it is for. I've been with this company for eleven years now, and I've worked hard on this. We don't need it sensationalized in the media and risk losing any public support we might have for when we launch it to help teens that are struggling." Her voice died off and yet she didn't make a move to step inside.

We watched through the glass as she paced in the hallway. Finally she said, "I think you are making a big mistake going public with this too soon. I won't lie about what happens in session and if it goes in a negative direction, it's going to look bad for R2L. I'm invested with you, too, and would hate to see that happen." She tapped her screen and ended the call.

"Good morning," Dr. Crimm said cheerfully as she stepped through the door and then pulled the door shut behind her. She had her tablet like always—it seemed to be an extension of her arm at this point—but her white medical jacket was notably absent. Instead she was wearing jeans and an old, faded T-shirt. Her long hair was twirled up and secured in a knot with a black elastic band, and her cute shoes were more purposeful now, having been replaced with a pair of hiking boots.

The room filled with mumbles of "Good morning," and then she took her seat in a chair that Shima had thought to bring to the circle. She looked up from her tablet and smiled at us.

"Today we're leaving the building." Her news came as a surprise to us. We'd only been here for one full day and already we were leaving. It seemed like the oddest plan. She didn't wait for us to ask questions before she launched into the day's agenda. "There is someone I want you to meet. He is currently on a ranch just outside the city. It's a day's drive. I know you've had breakfast, and we'll grab lunch on the road, and dinner once we get to our destination." She was smiling brightly like she held the answer to a great mystery. I had no idea where we were going, but something about the place lit the doctor up. I was intrigued.

"That sounds like a long ride in the SUV." Ken sounded concerned. I couldn't help but look at his bright white cast sticking out from beneath his worn workout pants. The leg had been cut to allow the cast through.

"We won't be taking the SUV," Dr. Crimm said casually. We waited for her to elaborate, but she didn't. "Meet me up front in thirty minutes." She stood and walked to the door, stepping out into the hallway.  We all sat there for a minute, watching her as she walked down the hall and out of sight.

"I don't know if I can make it through that crowd again," Shima said quietly. Marco stood and headed over to the windows. He had to stand on his tiptoes to see out of them; their purpose was clearly just to let in the natural light rather than offer a pleasing view.

"They're still down there," Marco said as he looked out on what I assumed was the fevered crowd below. There probably hadn't been a day since this building had gone up that there weren't protestors of some sort outside. The news coverage had almost been maddening. It died off a bit over time, but it had never fully gone away. Since the beginning of America there had been protests and unrest, but this battle had made records with the determination of both sides to show each other how strongly they held onto their beliefs. The building we were in was the center for that battle.

"What choice do we have?" Aideen asked. She reached over and set her hand on top of Shima's. "We'll just go as quickly as possible. It's not our fight."

"She's right," Marco said as he turned back to us. "I'm looking forward to getting out of here, even if it's only for a day."

"Are you going to try to get away?" Damien asked the question I didn't even know I had, but suddenly I needed to hear the answer.

Marco looked down to the ground as if searching for the answer beneath his feet. "No. Call me crazy, but I want to try the treatment. There are things I want to know. I won't find the answers I'm looking for anywhere else." He turned back to the windows, but didn't rise up on his toes to look out. "I think if I turned down this opportunity and those people out there were ever able to shut all this down—" He rocked back on his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets. "—I'd regret it."

Would I? The question weighed me down, practically pinning me to my chair. I knew the answer. I would regret it. But what I didn't know was if that regret would be as potent as the fear I'd have to overcome to get into that chair and swallow Dr. Crimm's pill. Ken wheeled himself out of the room, followed by Damien, and then the rest of us headed to our rooms, as well.

When we got back to our rooms we found that our parents had sent our clothes, just like Dr. Crimm had asked. My box was filled with other items, too. There was a pack of my favorite cookies, two Cokes and two sealed letters. I pulled them out and held them in my hands. I knew what my parents would say. They missed me and they were sorry. They were always sorry. They didn't know how badly that word hurt me. I didn't want them to be sorry. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, either. I didn't want any of that, but I knew I could read their words without breaking down. I'd built walls there to hold back all the pain and shame I felt when it came to facing them. What I couldn't bear was what might be written on the paper inside the envelope from my brother.

I tucked them both into the back pocket of my jeans. I wasn't ready to read them yet, but maybe the time would come and I'd want to have them. I glanced over at Aideen. Her box was slightly smaller than mine, but it was covered in a beautiful fabric. She ran her fingers along the flowered design. She carefully opened the box and pulled out a few items. Her family had sent pictures and she'd barely begun looking at them before she lost her composure.

I wasn't good at comforting anyone anymore. I used to be able to soothe my friends when they were hurting, but somewhere along the way I lost my ability to help those around me. I think it really messed with my brain when I couldn't even comfort myself. I watched her shake as she held the photos against her chest. Shima was watching it all and she moved quickly yet gracefully, wrapping her arm around Aideen and telling her reassuringly, "It's okay."

I hadn't realized I was biting my thumb again until I tasted the coppery flavor on my tongue. I pulled it from my mouth and tried to calm down. I touched the envelopes in my back pocket, grateful that the things with the power to unravel me were folded up and sealed safely inside. Aideen's heartbreak had ambushed her.

"Is that your family?" Shima asked.

Aideen nodded. "Both of them. It's a picture of the three of us on my birthday." She let her hand slowly fall away from her body, revealing the photo. "It hurts so bad to know they lied to me my whole life. Were they ever going to tell me?"

"I don't know," Shima answered. "Do you think you'll ask them about it?" She took the picture from Aideen and sat down on her bed. Aideen followed, sitting down beside her. I was unsure of what to do, but then Aideen patted the bed next to her in an invitation for me to join them. I slowly made my way over and sat down, looking at the picture Shima was now holding so we could all see.

Aideen's mother was beautiful. Her skin was pale and her hair was a deep red. The three women looked so much alike. "Maybe." Aideen reached out and ran the tip of her finger over the image of her mother. "Or maybe I'll just let it go. If they gave me an answer I'd have trouble believing it. I think that's what hurts the most. It's always been the three of us together. We're a team. I never would have guessed the two of them had a secret they were keeping from me."

"Sometimes we keep secrets from our family because we believe the truth will hurt the people we love more." I didn't know what had made me say it, but I believed it. I'd been keeping a secret for a while. And the longer I hid it from my family, the harder it was to imagine ever telling them the truth. The secret wasn't really the crime against your loved ones, it was the lies you told them to protect it. And I had told a lot of lies.

"You're right," Aideen said. "Logically I know that, but it still hurts." The pitch of her voice rose as she tried to hold back more tears.

I put my hand lightly on her back. She couldn't know that it had been months since I'd touched someone that way. Months since I was able to get past my own fear of being dirty or shameful to reach out and comfort anyone with my touch. She didn't know any of that, but I did. "You'll be okay," I said, even though I wasn't sure it was completely true. Maybe she wouldn't be okay; I wasn't okay. But I wanted her to be and for now, that felt like enough.