I couldn't breathe, the wind completely knocked out of me. I didn't want to believe that Negan would do that to Olivia, but as the idea ricocheted through my head I knew it was true; the fact was agonising. My knees went weak and finally gave out, as I held out my shaky arm to steady myself. Every breath I took became less and less efficient, my body drawing closer to the floor.

The room spun as I found it hard to focus on one point, yet I somehow managed to look up and watch Rick's previously callous expression drop, guilt taking over his tired features. I felt Daryl's firm hand rubbing my back in slow soothing circles. I could hear his low grumble, a sign that he was uncertain of how to approach the situation.

As I continued the futile task of trying to breathe I could feel all eyes on me. The room felt stuffy, intakes of breathe and half words muttered; no one knew what to say.

As my vision began to fade I rolled myself into a lying down position and tried to focus on the cream coloured ceiling as tears pricked my eyes; my body trying to process that Olivia was gone. The more I tossed the idea through my head, the greater the guilt became. I kept playing scenarios in my
head, wondering if I'd stayed at Alexandria that day would she still be alive. Could I have done anything different?

Rick knelt down beside and rubbed my shoulder
"It's going to be OK. I'm sorry I told you this way" his words washed over me as his relaxed dulcet tone calmed me down enough to open up my airway. I could tell that his apology was genuine, he'd been like a brother to me growing up and didn't like seeing me get hurt, especially by him. I nodded as I kept focused on the wall, knowing if I gave him eye contact in that moment I'd lose it again.

I laid there letting the silent tears fall, Rick retreated momentarily. Daryl lifted my head up on his knee, running his hand through my curls. He tilted my head up as I watched his eyes dart from me to another spot, unable to sustain eye contact.
"I'm sorry Rackel! I shoulda told ye"

I shook my head at him, I couldn't believe that he was taking this on his shoulders too. I gave him a stern look "stop blaming yourself for everything, you have nothing to feel guilty about" he sighed as the air came out in a gush, he truly believed that I would be angry at him for that and I wondered why that was.

As I watched Rick usher everyone out of the living room he came back and held out a hand to me, Daryl helping him get me in a standing position. He then held my shoulders and turned to Daryl
"Would you mind if you gave us a minute?"

Daryl shook his head, stubborn as a mule. I held his forearm and squeezed in a reassuring manner, letting him know I'd be fine.
"It's OK"
He couldn't help but walk me to the lounge room as he made himself scarce at Rick's request. I sat opposite him, as my breathing levelled and I calmed down. I looked at my old family, he knitted his hands together in deliberation, staring into space as if pondering.

Our relationship had a loving but rocky history; I'd always been treated like the younger sibling. There was a sizeable age gap between Rick, Shane and I, making me feel like I didn't quite belong to the group they'd formed. By the time I'd hit my mid teens Shane had trained up to be a police officer with his best friend Rick and had moved out of home leaving me alone. I'd begrudged him for at the time. Nonna Jean had missed him to, she'd basically been our mother as she had raised us from little.

He tapped the tips of his fingers together
"Hey Kel" Rick breathed out sombrely

"Been a while since I've been called that" I laughed at his use of my old nickname Shane had given me. Way back when I was called Kel more often then by my full name.

He leaned into me, resting his elbows on his knees
"I'm sorry all this happened to you, but it's been tough on all of us. It's been brutal on Alexandria and we made a lot of sacrifices to get you back." He ran his tongue over his dry lips "I had to stop Daryl going on a kamikaze mission."

My anger at his attempt at shifting the blame to me made my blood boil and I gritted my teeth. I couldn't help but snap back at him "Don't you dare put that on me Rick! I didn't asked to be 'saved'; I even acted like I didn't love him anymore to keep him away. What else could I have done?"

He huffed, seeing my point. An awkward silence ensued as we both seethed at each other. Rick eventually relented "It's probably not fair of me"

I tried to joke to lighten the mood, despite the topic
"I guess Daryl didn't find me very convincing"

An old glint came to his eye, relief prominent as the wrinkles on his head faded. Levity has always been a way to get through to Rick.

"I remember Shane and I catching you out trying to climb down the drain pipe to go see that teacher you had a crush on. What was his name again? some fancy name I recall"

I chuckled fondly at the memory as I felt the heat in my cheeks
"Roberto"

"That's it Roberto! You had it bad for that kid" he raised his head and let out a short laugh, as a toothy smile remained on his face.

Nonna Jean had found out I had a massive crush on the part time piano teacher and flipped out. She'd always been a good momma bear, the only one I truly remembered.

I shifted in my seat restlessly, needing to shift the conversation to uncomfortable territory "So, what's the plan moving forward Mr. Grimes?"

He scratched at the back of his neck in deliberation
"I don't really know to tell you the truth. We were all scared that you wouldn't come back to us; you've been more hysterical then you were with... your brother" he finally laid his eyes on me with squinted eyes, like he was reprimanding me.

His tone and expression grated on me, the fact that his patience and compassion had so quickly expired grated on me.

I raised my eyebrow at him "I know you detest Negan, and from your vantage point I get it. But I got to know him and he did some amazingly thoughtful and selfless things, he almost reminded me of you" I let that sit in the air as I watched Rick's head movements become more jerky, a sign of his irritation at my bold comparison. I wholeheartedly believed what I was saying and added "And after all that is said and done the fact remains that he was my husband and I truly loved him. I'm grieving for him Rick and I need some time for that."

Rick paused as he looked to the heavens, but eventually nodded sternly. I could tell he understood, even if he didn't want to. Rick had gone through enough as it was; isolating himself and falling victim to hallucinations when Lori died during childbirth.

You'd think we would've grown accustomed to the loss of loved ones, but it hurt just as bad as the first time. Rick leaned forward with his arms open as I stood to meet his embrace. As we held each other I could feel the tension easing up, relieved we had come to a partial understanding.

As he walked me home we reminisced about our old days, family BBQs and sibling like moments shared. We didn't mention Olivia, I think he knew that I couldn't bare to accept the news. I hoped time would fade the scar left behind and I would then be able to talk about it.

Whenever the discussion turned to Shane a temporary awkward silence would fall over us; which was unheard of in the past, but became a common occurrence after his death. I knew that we both loved and missed him regardless of how it all ended.

When we arrived at my house I was rewarded with the sight of Daryl precariously perched in his cane chair with 2 of its legs in the air while his own were propped up on the railing. He was in the middle of whittling a new set of crossbows bolts, clueless about how agile and skilled he looked at that moment.

Rick smiled as he watched me take in my lover's grace. He then completely ruined it all by stating the most thoughtless and hurtful comment
"I bet Daryl's glad things turned out like this"

As the words trickled out of his mouth I felt despair crush me. I looked to Daryl who was slowly lowering all 4 legs of his chair to the ground, his mouth slightly agape at his leader's words.

As Rick realised what he's actually said he tried to backtrack but the damage had been done. As the sorrow became unbearable I raced away from both of them, making my way to the outskirts of Alexandria. I ran up to the old willow tree and found my emergency ruck sack still buried there. I dug it up and headed for the gate, needing to get out of there.

Luckily Eugene was on gate duties. He pulled his attention from a gadget he was tinkering with, his face commonly blank as he regarded me
"Hello Rackel, I wasn't informed that you were designated a time slot for scavenging today." He patted down the sides of his mullet as he reached for the walkie clipped to his belt. "I'm afraid that I'll have to confirm the schedule with Rick before I can let you pass."

I pinched my nose in exasperation, not wanting to lose my temper at him. I knew that he was the Alexandrian punching bag so I made an effort not to add to that.
"I've got to get through Eugene. I dont have time to explain right now, but you just need to know that it is imperative that you let me through immediately!"

He shook his head at me, scrunching his nose at the idea "Negative. I've been given strict orders to only allow specified personnel through. That's just how the cookie crumbles as it were."

I held my hands together in a pleading gesture, time running out and my patience was wearing thin
"Please Eugene, I don't want to have to force my way through. But I will, and you know I will" my tone became harsh at the end of my sentence.

He gulped as his right eye noticeably twitched; I was playing at his fear of confrontation to the desired result. He stuttered slightly before beginning his response "Maybe I choose to go on my unscheduled toilet break at this very precise moment. That would make me completely oblivious to the going ons of this here gate. I believe that would be very unfortunate timing on my part."

I patted his shoulder in appreciation as I passed and quickly made my way through the gate, heading off the marked path. Not that it would matter much if, or realistically when Daryl began tracking me.