Cassandra

Mom stared back at me looking very overwhelmed and panicked like she was about to cry.

"I- I don't know!" She stuttered, sinking down to the floor.

"It just... I forgot and... and it slipped and..." suddenly Mom started breathing very heavily. Sweat was pouring from her forehead and her hands were trembling the most along with the rest of her body.

At that moment knew exactly what was going on.

She was having a panic attack, just like the ones she had right after Dad died.

Even though I had dealt with things like this in the past, it always managed to scare me and catch me off guard whenever one of them happened.

"Mom...?" I tried to ask without ended up sounding like a scared little kid.

It didn't work though.

"It's my fault." She repeated over and over again. The more she said it, the more she gasped for air.

At this point, I was terrified. "What do you mean Mom, you didn't do anything."

She scraped her fingers through her tangled curls and whispered with her head bowed in shame, "I did it. I killed your father. It's my fault." She was sobbing at this point and it took everything in me not to slump down on the ground and join her. It was all too much for me to handle.

No, I couldn't do that. She needed me right now and I had to be strong. Even if it would end up tearing me apart from the inside out first.

I wrapped my arms around her quaking, fragile body. "C'mon Mom, you know that isn't true. It was an accident. Just an unfortunate, terrible accident.

She nodded but still looked like she had just seen a ghost.

We sat like that until her breathing started going back to normal and her uncontrollable shaking diminished. The tears still kept coming down though.

After a while, she managed to wipe her eyes on her sleeve and slowly stood up. I bolted upright to help her, making sure she stayed ok and wasn't overcome with another attack.

Mom gave me an appreciative smile but it didn't reach her eyes. "Thanks, Cass. I'm really sorry I put you through all that. As I child you shouldn't have to go through that much stress because of me. You are my rock, you know that right? Keeping me tethered in my worst moments." She chuckled a bit and I tried to smile along with her.

Glancing at the clock on the wall across from me, Mom sighed and smoothed down the edge of her shirt. "It's late. You should really get to sleep, Cass." At first, I was hesitant. I mean, what if she had another panic while I was asleep? I had already lost one of my parents, I didn't need to lose another.

It was like she knew what I was thinking because her lips thinned into a straight line as she tried to flash me a convincing smile that ended up looking more like a grimace than anything else.

"I'll be fine, don't worry. If I need you I'll call or something but for now, try to get some sleep. You're a growing kid, you need it."

I had no choice other than to nod in agreement and make my way up the stairs, silently.

After going up a few steps, I turned around ever so slightly, expecting Mom to be right behind me but instead she was still on the floor watching me climb up.

I gave her a confused look before asking, "Aren't you coming with me?"

When the words escaped my lips, her cheeks flushed a bright pink and she glanced down at the floor sheepishly. "I was thinking that it would be a better idea if I slept on the couch tonight."

It was like someone had punched me in the stomach. Mom had slept on the couch for months on end just because she couldn't handle going back in and facing the fact that dad would never be there to share their room again. It had taken her almost a third of the year before she actually went back in there to move out of his things with the help of some of our relatives. Let's just say it was a very emotional day for everyone.

I smiled weakly and I could feel my lips trembling as I attempted to brush it off with a short "Ok", and willed myself not to dash up the stairs to cry.

Everything that happened afterwards was sort of a blur. My mind was somewhere else and before I knew it, I was dressed in my most comfortable pj's and tucked neatly in bed with my eyes fixated on the ceiling.

Thoughts of everything that went down today and thoughts about dad swarmed around in my brain making it hard to concentrate on anything specifically but there was one thing I remembered that I just couldn't shake off.

It was when Mom called me her rock and someone who kept her tethered in her worst moments. Truthfully, I barely felt like a rock myself. I wouldn't even call myself a pebble. I could hardly do anything right from James to Bella to everyone else who apparently hated me along with them, so going from someone that nobody trusted to someone you can always depend on in the same day was quite a lot to swallow.

I sniffed, trying hard not to cry but my next thought was enough to push me right over the edge.

'Remember when Mom called Dad her rock? Now you're his replacement.'

I silently sobbed myself to sleep that night.

♡♡♡

Sunday morning was probably the most awkward morning I had experienced in a long time.

After I got up, I made sure I took my sweet time to get ready before I went downstairs.

Yesterday's events were still a fresh memory in my head like an open wound so anything that would trigger a repeat of that I would make sure to avoid at all cost.

When I couldn't stall any longer (and the sound of my stomach grumbling was getting too much for me to handle) I quietly crept down the stairs, hoping not to wake up Mom in the process, just in case she was still sleeping but much to my surprise she wasn't there.

Just then, the smell of bacon wafted through the air and my nostrils flared. 'Food.'

Pretending to stroll around our family room, I looked into the room to see Mom frying bacon with an already made stack of pancakes next to her.

Drool was practically dribbling out of my mouth when Mom said, her attention still fixated on the stove, "Good morning, Cass" making me jump and stand up a tiny bit straighter. How she knew I was there without having to turn around, I don't know. It was a bit creepy.

"Uh, mornin' Mom. What are you making?" I inquired, playing dumb and pretending not to know just to spark a conversation between us.

Mom replied, still without looking at me, "Pancakes with bacon on the side."

She paused, and then a moment later she said, "Do me a favour and get your sister? If she's still asleep then leave her but if she's up and ready, call her down. She must be hungry by now, don't you think." She turned and gave me a wide smile but I saw it wobble and it didn't reach her eyes.

I nodded and went back upstairs as fast as I could. If this was how the rest of the day was going to go then I needed to get away from it as soon as possible.

I knocked 3 times on Eva's door and when I got no response, I cracked it open a bit. There Eva sat on the floor, drawing something but I wasn't really sure what.

I chose my next words carefully. The last thing I wanted was to upset her. "Mom says it's time for breakfast." At first, she straight up ignored me but just as I was about to repeat it a second time, she dropped her pencil and bushed passed me, not uttering a word. She was headed downstairs and I trailed behind her.

I couldn't help but notice that when we got to the kitchen, Eva's eyes darted from Mom to the floor. I said nothing though.

"Girls!" Mom exclaimed with a bit too much enthusiasm. "A great day for pancakes, don't you think, Cass? Eva?" I could've sworn I heard a hint of hesitation in her voice when she said 'Eva' but my mind might've been playing tricks on me then. Eva still didn't say a word.

I decided I would smile and nod to go along with what Mom was saying. I could see that she was trying her best and was determined to win Eva back over. I couldn't help but applaud her dedication. The least I could do was assist her, even if it was just a little.

We all sat at the table and ate in silence. The only sound you could hear was the clinking of our cutlery on the glass dishes.

We all finished our food at around the same time and Eva was the first to get up to put her dishes in the sink but before she was able to sneak out of the dining room and escape, Mom called her and me over and gestured towards the couch. "Girls, c' mere. There are a few things I'd like to discuss with you."

Eva stopped walking and paused, I guess thinking Mom's request over, then while staring at the ground, she dragged her feet across the tiled floors and headed towards the family room, picking a nice spot on the 2 seater love seat. Mom sat across from her in the 3 seaters while I sat down on the ottoman in front of both of them. If another screaming match were to go down I could watch this time instead of being in the middle of it all.

It was quiet for a moment and then Eva sprung up from her seat, fell into Mom's lap and launched into a long heartfelt apology while bawling her eyes out.

"I'm so sorry about what I said yesterday Mom I didn't really mean it, I don't hate you I was just so upset... I'm sorry." She squeezed her tight and Mom hugged back the same way.

She stroked the top of her head "Shh, it's ok, it's ok I forgive you." Then pulled away. "But I would like to know why you exploded on me in the first place. Or better yet, why you've been so quiet lately?"

Eva blinked at Mom with her signature big, pecan brown eyes, but looked away and frowned once more just as Mom had asked that question.

"C'mon, Eva..." Mom ushered her. I waited and listened closely as this had been the inquiry rattling about in my mind for so long that was finally going to be answered.

She sighed. "Ok, I'll tell you."

"A few weeks ago we were doing Christmas crafts and while Mrs. Harlee was explaining how we would do them, a not-so-nice girl in my class named Josie raised her hand and she said in her annoying Josie voice: 'Excuse me Mrs. Harlee, I don't think Eva can do this craft' and Mrs. Harlee said 'Well why not' and she said, 'Because Eva doesn't have any parents to give the crafts to!' And everyone started laughing at me so I said 'yeah I do, I can give the craft to my Mom!' But then she said 'You're Mom would never want a present from a dummy like you!' And everyone laughed again. Mrs. Harlee made her apologize to me but after that whenever she wasn't looking, Josie and her friends would always call me 'Orphan Eva' and she convinced everyone that if they played with me, their parents would die too." She sniffed quietly as tears raced down the side of her cheek.

"And then yesterday when you called me angel, I remembered that and I felt so sad and mad that I just had to get it out of me and that's why I yelled."

I was shocked. I couldn't believe how mean some children could be. I also couldn't help but think that this kid and Victoria's personality were pretty similar. Maybe they were related or something. I held back the urge to snicker.

Then Eva looked up at Mom and asked her solemnly, "Do you think it's my fault Dad died? Was I a bad kid?"

Mom immediately pulled her in for another hug. "No honey of course not! It was just an accident."

'An unfortunate, terrible accident.' A voice said in my head, echoing my words from yesterday.

"I just wish you would've told me sooner." Mom fretted. "I'm sure if I had talked to your teacher about this something could've been done."

Eva shook her head. "Then they would've started calling me a tattletale." She looked completely miserable and I felt so bad for her.

"It doesn't matter. Worst comes to worst, you switch classes and leave that Josie girl behind."

The mention of switching classes seemed to get Eva's attention. "You can do that?" She wondered aloud.

"Yeah." Mom shrugged as if it were no big deal. "All I have to do is talk to your principal about the situation and then you're done."

At that moment Eva clasped her hands together and began begging Mom, "Please please please let me switch out of that class! I don't want to spend another moment with Josie ever again." Her face went dark at that last part.

Mom chuckled before finally giving in. "Ok, hun I'll try."

Letting out a huge breath of relief, Eva hugged Mom one last time and murmured into her shoulder, "Thanks, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart." She whispered back, as she wrapped her arms tightly around her youngest daughter for a warm embrace.

When the two let go of each other, Mom looked at me with a content, happy smile and sighed, "Well I'm just glad that whole fiasco is over, aren't you, Cass? Cassandra? Hey Cass! Earth to Cassie..."

But I wasn't listening. All this talk about Dad had triggered the memories I had been suppressing for so long. Maybe too long.

Instead of shutting the thoughts out and fighting the off, I engulfed myself in them. I was finally letting go. Finally letting myself feel.

Finally relieving the horrid tragedy of my father's death once and for all.