Jimin took the last sip from his bottle as he sprawled out on Namjoon's couch as he had gone to visit him at his apartment.

He had blubbered everything out to him while in his drunk state and had told him how he wanted to rip out his heart and just throw it away for the dogs to eat it. It would hurt less, he told him. Less than seeing his brother and Seon get back together again.

The truth was that Namjoon didn't expect to hear all that, especially from Jimin who never showed that anything could possibly be wrong. Always, every time Namjoon asked him if something was wrong with him, when he caught him in moments when his eyes hid a certain sadness, Jimin always used to reply to him with a smile, telling him that he was fine and if he had any issues he would appear positive, saying that there was nothing that he couldn't fix, no matter what.

The two of them were good partners but the truth was that Jimin had never opened up to him about personal matters like this. And the only reason he had arrived at Namjoon's doorstep was that he couldn't go to Taehyung or Yoongi, because he wasn't supposed to be in Korea anyway and he didn't want anyone to know nor he himself had sorted out his own thoughts regarding them.

He had a lot to talk with them too, about all the secrets, regarding Jungkook and those pills, that they kept from him.

"Do you have any more alcohol?" Jimin asked as he wasn't getting any more drops out of the bottle and a concerned Namjoon just looked at him for a moment before standing up and walking over to him, taking the bottle away from his grasp.

"It's the third bottle. That's enough for tonight Jimin. Come on, I'll take you home." He told him softly, but Jimin wouldn't move.

"Listen to me. You don't earn anything from this. I know what it's like to be in love, but in time you'll understand that there's a reason you don't have what you don't have and a reason you have what you do have. Maybe this Seon person isn't what you need, she is just what you want. And that makes a difference." Namjoon made another attempt to speak to him as he had done several times since Jimin had come to his apartment.

"Don't say that. She's everything. Everything I want and need. She's the woman I've loved like no other in my life. My soul is burning. It hurts, it hurts so much that I just want to disappear." Jimin replied in a clearly vulnerable voice that made Namjoon feel sad that his friend was in such a position.

"I'm sorry. I won't say anything then. Just... Let me take you home tonight. And tomorrow will be another day. You'll see." He said as he put his hand on Jimin's arm and helped him get up, thankfully this time, he didn't object, instead, he bowed his head lightly to him and let Namjoon guide him.

---change of set----

You let out an exclamation of tiredness as soon as you managed to leave Jungkook's body to plop on the couch in his apartment. Since before you were to take off, he had asked for his driver to get him straight home since it was kind of late.

The driver had helped you carry him to the elevator but the distance from there to the door of his apartment and to his living room seemed like a century since Jungkook's body was quite heavy, because although he still had contact with the environment, he had no control over his body weight.

"For your good, you better pay me extra for this tomorrow," You told him as your hands were placed on your waist that was aching.

Of course, you didn't get an answer from Jungkook as he was barely keeping his own eyes slightly open.

"Come on! Don't sleep. You need to change your clothes first and take a bath. You are covered in vomit." You told him as you nudged his shoulder a bit, but he didn't move.

Screw my luck. It has got vomit all over me too, how much longer do I have to suffer tonight?

You complained as you looked down at yourself, realizing that your blouse was full of stains from touching him too much while carrying him to his apartment.

"Fine...You Stay still. I'll change you myself." You announced to him, before taking your bag off your shoulder and your jacket and setting them aside.

You walked up to him without hesitation and removed his tie from around his neck which was kind of loose and then started to unbutton a few buttons on his shirt but Jungkook's hand suddenly grabbing yours brought your movements to a halt.

His eyes slowly opened and looked at you, your appearance appearing like a blur in his eyes.

"What? Don't tell me you are getting shy. Oh, Come on. I've seen you already." You told him, not intending to waste time with embarrassments and nonsense at that moment because all you wanted was to get out of there as quickly as possible and go home.

"I thought you didn't like being touched." His words came out of his mouth like a weak murmur which nevertheless reached your ears and froze your body.

It was true, if it had been anyone else, chances were you wouldn't have touched him at all. You would have tried to avoid it at all costs. Even if it was Jimin, you would feel a little uncomfortable touching his body. Yet why was it that with him, the refusal didn't even cross your mind this time around?

Why had none of the feelings that made you keep a distance - even from him- at that particular moment, hadn't been awakened?

"You need my help so..." You uttered, not intending to admit that no feelings were keeping you away from him at that moment, however, you did pull your hands away from him.

"I'll go get the tub ready then, and get in it as you please." You exclaimed before leaving to do just that and return a quarter of an hour later to the living room to find a Jungkook that you had left on the couch, now crawling across the floor towards the hallway.

"Let me guess. You were planning on coming on your own, huh?" You asked him as a smile nearly cracked on your lips at the ridiculous sight.

"The room is shaking." Answered Jungkook who was seeing the world like a stormy sea at that moment. Even your body was making big waves in his sight. 

"Get up and I'll show you a whole mixer, not just a shake. Come on little one." You grabbed him by the arm and with difficulty managed to bring him to his feet and then carried him to the bathroom where you stopped him next to the sink which you had filled with water and where he didn't expect it at all, to found his head immersed in cold water.

Jungkook jumped away immediately after, his head now dripping as his hands tried to clean the water from his face.

"What the hell?!!" He exclaimed surprised but also clearly more awake than he was before.

"Well done my guy. You have recovered a bit. Take another dip." You told him happily, before grabbing his neck and plunging him in again, this time holding his head in the water with pressure when he tried to get out.

"Are you trying to choke me?!" He yelled as soon as he managed to escape from your hold, which wasn't really exerting much force but because of his drunkenness, it seemed to him like you were using a lot of strength to hold him in there.

"And if I am trying, who can blame me really?" You gave him a casual reply, before giving him a towel to wipe his face.

"Now I think you're awake enough to wash up by yourself. If you happen to die in here, I hold no responsibility. It's not my fault. I'll be waiting in the living room." You announced to him, before walking out, casual enough on the surface, but the truth was, that inside you weren't as nonchalant. 

Your mind was racing. Why not even for a minute did you mind his touch tonight? Because you certainly still had this anger towards him that for some reason was affecting your actions, just like two minutes ago when you had tried to keep him in the water longer, just to make it slightly a bit more difficult for him.

He drank a lot meanwhile I am acting like the one that got drunk instead.

You wondered to yourself, just before sitting down on the couch to wait. As you were waiting, you took out your cell phone and decided to call Jimin for a moment just to make sure he was alive but unfortunately he didn't pick up his cell phone.

Ah, things got messy again. Was it necessary for him to go there at that particular moment?

You thought as you really had been surprised when you arrived at the hospital. You had left your job in a hurry in hopes of getting there before Jungkook and stopping him from meeting Seon because when Dae had told you that they had told Jungkook where Seon was, you had understood that there was no way he wouldn't have tried to immediately go to see her, but at the same time, you knew that something like this might make Seon's condition worse and that's why you had run full of worry. 

But you weren't prepared to find Jimin standing there, witnessing this personal moment between Jungkook and Seon. Of course, you were also not prepared for that scene nor for these strange feelings that their moment had awakened in you.

For some reason, You were even angry with Seon, even though you knew you had no reason to be. Even you couldn't understand why all this between her and Jungkook, who was still her husband, hadn't been pleasant to you, at all.

You stood up from the couch, in an attempt to stop your thoughts and focus somewhere else, and not on the image of Jungkook kissing Seon.

You made a few rounds, from the kitchen to the balcony and back to the living room and then a smell reached your nose, reminding you that the blouse you had on was still covered with dried-up vomit. 

EW~!

You grimaced in disgust and then held your blouse with two fingers at a distance from your skin.

I'll borrow one of his shirts. He has so many.

You thought and immediately headed to Jungkook's room, as soon as you entered, you headed to his closet, which once you opened you found nothing but his clothes left inside for Taehyung had erased anything Seon had before his amnesia and you had come and gathered your belongings some days ago. You proceeded to take out one of the short-sleeved shirts he wore at home, guessing that he wouldn't mind it much for it wasn't any good shirt.

You glanced towards the open door for a moment and then turned the other way, taking off your blouse and dropping it on the floor and putting on Jungkook's borrowed white shirt.

"Ahem." Someone cleared their throat behind you making you immediately turn around to see Jungkook standing by the doorway, wearing his bathrobe.

"Um... I got one of your shirts because mine was ruined." You explained to him ad he was just looking everywhere by you because he had seen her bare back just before you had pulled down the shirt completely and for some reason, he felt embarrassed.

"Um okay. You can keep it." He told you as he walked over to his bed.

"I see the shower woke you up enough. I'm glad. I'll get going now." You uttered your observation, before grabbing your blouse off the floor and then proceeded to go to leave.

"No, you can't go!" He shouted suddenly, startling you in place.

"Hey! Why are you yelling? My heart almost jumped out of my chest" You yelled back at him too, as your heart was now really pounding.

"You can't leave me alone. Please. I don't want to." Jungkook's eyes softened as he asked you for this favour and took a step closer.

"Oh you must still be drunk, it's inexplicable. Don't act like a child and fall asleep already." You ordered him sternly but he just looked at you for a moment before walking to the door and locking it.

"What are you doing there? Are you crazy?!"

"Don't take it personally but I don't want to be alone. Please stay with me." The way he spoke to you had you speechless, for he was obviously trying to win your over with his sweet ton of voice and charming eyes. It felt like you were seeing the Jungkook with amnesia side of him right in front of you again. The very thought made you shiver.

"Jungkook, I don't understand you. All you have to do is sleep and-"

"No Y/N! You don't understand that I'm afraid! I'm afraid of myself! I can't stay alone!" He interrupted your words and his desperate and frightened look made your heart soften.

There was silence in the room after what he said, for he himself could not believe that he had admitted such a thing out loud, and you could not believe and properly understand what he meant by that, but you certainly understood one thing, and that was the fact that his psychological state seemed fragile.

Jungkook lowered his head and went and sat on the edge of his bed after a while, his head still buzzing because he had raised his voice and he was having a headache so he had put himself in physical pain. And you just stared at him before you managed to ask him a simple "why"

"I want to disappear. Everything is wrong, everything. Me more than everything else. I'm awful. Me. It's All me." He began to speak, the alcohol in his blood affecting his tongue, despite his will to remain silent and keep it all inside.

"That's not true. You're not awful. You're not a mistake either, you're just someone who has made mistakes, but everyone makes mistakes." You told him as You approached him in an attempt to comfort him.

"Look at me." You tilted your head to the side in an attempt to meet his gaze as his head was low.

"I know this might not be your best moment. We all have moments when we're crap. But I know you can make it and overcome these moments." Your words as well as the way you were looking at him so lovingly made Jungkook's feelings of fear calm down a bit.

Ever since he had left Seon's room at the hospital, his heart had been filled with sadness and hatred, hate over the fact that he couldn't be a better person for real. To be someone who would deserve one like Seon. But he was far from the perfect figure he presented, and he was overwhelmed with fear. Fear that he might hurt himself, in these moments of hatred towards his own entity.

"You don't need to be afraid of yourself. You are stronger than you think and better than you can judge yourself to be right now. You may not see it today but one day you will." You gave him a small smile as you finished your sentence, now feeling compassion for him.

"Y/N, You are the only one that is lying to herself. Isn't it obvious that I am a monster? I hurt everyone, I hurt you...I have hurt my own self. In the end, I just couldn't be loved. I failed and I always knew that I will...I don't know why...why I tried so much." He left his palms covering his face as his voice cracked by the end of his words, making you feel sad for him.

 "You want the truth? I will let you hear it then...I have not met any monster that has regretted it. Monsters don't feel sorry, monsters don't get hurt when hurting anyone else...Yes I know, you are full of flaws, you have so many things I would have liked it more if you didn't have them. Your temper is horrible, the way you hold emotions and they end up bursting out in the form of rage...the way you spit out words when your ego is attacked...the way you swim in self-loath and loneliness after everything you have done. Yes, you are no righteous man in my eyes either, you are no angel but I can't judge you as harshly as you judge yourself for I have to be fair." You took a pause to your outburst of words just to take in the way he was looking into your eyes.

"At the end of the day, you might have hurt many but you got equally hurt back. Look at you, look how you are suffering. No matter what you have done, you are paying for it already so please don't be so harsh on yourself. I don't know how it feels to lose a love for I have never loved but I can tell you for sure that none has died from it and you won't either. You will make it out, you will grow from this and I truly believe that so just embrace yourself now and keep going. You will find yourself again. I am sure." You concluded as his eyes started looking at you in a way that had you dazed for a while for you had never seen him, looking at you in such a thankful way.

But he truly was filled with a grateful heart at that moment and all that was going in his mind was that your existence was a relief, the fact that you were by his side at that very moment may have been something he didn't deserve and that just made him even more thankful that you were there. 

"Go to sleep now. Okay?" You gently brought your hands up to push him a little but to your surprise, he grabbed your hands and pulled you against his body and into his tight embrace.

Your eyes widened at his unexpected move and as your body froze between his arms, the sound of his voice saying 'thank you' while holding you warmly in his hug, made your heartbeat change its rhythm. 

Bringing it to a rhythm that you yourself would never accept and not even acknowledge. Because it would only bring problems. It would only bring pain to you. Because you knew well that he could never love you and you would never accept being just a substitute for Seon, in anyone's life.

That sound of your heart had to be silenced. It had to be extinguished, but this rhythm did not seem to be willing to change, making you unable to find the will to push him away from you.

And for some reason at that moment, you felt like crying because now the previous question you had asked yourself had been answered. The reason why you hadn't had any apathetic feelings towards his touch earlier was because you...had missed him. And you really shouldn't have.

Nor you should be feeling this much in pain, by simply seeing him suffer.

Why did it have to hurt so much?

---To be continued...