Matt's POV

It's like the world reset and we all sat as a family for dinner again. I use the word family lightly. We're a bunch of individuals in agreement to have a connection and live together. We don't know each other though. We're all living different lives.

So, the silence was natural. The small clink the spoons made against the bowls was like a form of distorted background music. We would've been talkative if Dad and Francis weren't so concentrated on Al. He stared down the dumb soup like it was a starved lion ready to devour him. Don't get me wrong, he did take a few spoonfuls before but after that he kind of gave up.

I think for once I understood dad's frustration. Eating shouldn't be a dramatic thing. I get that he finds it hard but he's acting like he's watching a massive car crash unfold. I wish I could bring myself to understand why but it's like my brain refuses.

Not that I really want another thing pressing down on my chest. I have more than enough. I'm not even sure if I even know how to breathe properly anymore.

I hate this.

I hate everything. I hate that I have to sit here quietly. I hate that I can't just scream. I hate that Gil just can't be honest with me. I hate that Al can't eat. I hate that I can't live a normal life. I hate that I'm adopted. I hate that my parents are dead. I hate that I'm alive.

I hate my reality. This is a reality where I'm on my own in this and everything is crushing me. I don't know why a simple disagreement hit me so hard. It won't matter in a month or even a year. It just feels like something's out of my reach. I can't deal with that.

"I can't take this anymore." I whispered. Not a thing changed in the sight in front of me. Al was taking another spoonful. I couldn't bring myself to really care. I got up instead and walked off. This time it was me leaving the bowl filled with untouched food. I felt them stare at me. I even heard dad ask Francis about me. I ignored it and trucked forward.

I went upstairs, locked my door, and sat out on the roof. I found myself calling Lovino.

"Hello?" He answered.

"You mind if I come over right now?"

"Well, you can but why?"

"I just want to."

"Then come when you want."

~

"You could've just said that you wanted to get hammered, you know." Lovi said as he handed me the vodka bottle he snatched from the kitchen.

"I don't want a government agent to know about my illegal activities." I joked. I popped open the bottle.

"Whatever." He lightly chuckled. "I'm a little worried, though."

"Why?" I asked as I went for a small sip from the bottle. The liquid was an odd sensation as it went down my throat but as soon as it reached my stomach I felt much lighter.

"Why so sudden?"

I smiled, "Don't worry about it."

"If you say so." He rolled his eyes.

"Hey," I started as I handed him the bottle. "why can't a guy just want to hang out with his friend, hm?"

He took a sip, near giggling in the process, "I think this is a little more than hanging out."

"There's nothing more to hanging out than having a drink with your best friend." I snatched the bottle from his hand. I took a swig this time. Immediately, the room felt smaller. Like the room between me and him was less than a foot. It was strange considering I was leaning on the bed and he was leaning on the wall. I guess his room really is just that small.

"We just need a barbaque and dad bodies and we'd be total bros."

"The best of buds!" We both laughed. I handed him the bottle. He took a swig and handed it back to me. "You ever wonder why we don't do this more?"

"Because it's kind of illegal."

"I don't mean drinking, I mean just hanging out." I took a larger swig this time.

"Well, it's not like the past few months have been all that great for our friendship."

"Forget those months." I rolled my eyes. "The past is the past. We're living in the future! That is to say if either are even real. I mean, if you think about it the past is really the future and the future is really the past. Present doesn't exist because it's just perpetually the past and the future."

"Are you high?"

"I'm high on life, baby!" I took a smaller sip. "And I might just be a little tipsy already."

"I feel like a little is an understatement." He grabbed the bottle and had a swig for himself.

"Whatever."

"Drink for every time we say whatever in the next hour."

"Say about ten thousand times please and thanks." I grinned.

"I am not letting you get alcohol poisoning."

"Guess I'll have to go for only blackout drunk which is a shame because I think getting alcohol poisoning would be really funny."

"You've gone mad." He placed the bottle in the middle.

"Sanity is like time." I grabbed the bottle. "It's only relative."

"Psychology says otherwise."

"Psychology's bullshit." A swig. "It's a bunch of people with things wrong with them helping others with things slightly more wrong with them." Another swig. "Why can't it be like philosophy where there are no rights and wrongs? There are just vague answers that lead up to more questions then to more answers."

"I think I'm starting to regret letting you touch that bottle."

"Oh, c'mon, you know I'm fun when I'm drunk."

"You're obnoxious when you're drunk!" He crawled forward to grab the bottle. He did grab it but in a usual laziness he fell over and stayed next to me. We leaned on the bed there just giggling for a few minutes. He got his equal amount in and set the bottle down between us.

"I feel like I'm exactly the same when drunk."

"Clearly you don't remember the last time we did this."

"I really don't." I giggled.

"You literally started screaming about how good Mac and cheese was."

"I say that's something I would do sober."

"Not at three in the morning!"

"You underestimate my power!"

"This isn't an anime, I can't look at your power level!"

"Which is why you suck!"

"No, you suck!"

"Shush you lack luster jester!"

Someone banged on the door. "Keep it down!" Whoever it was said.

Lovi and I broke into a boisterous laughter. It was definitely more obnoxious than our yelling.

"You know," Lovi said between fits of laughter. "it may be fucking obnoxious, it's nice to hear your voice at a regular volume."

"Then I should just drink all the time. Nothing like a little bit of alcoholism, am I right?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm not entirely sure." I shrugged. "But I'm honestly a little pissed right now."

"Join the party."

"There's a party?"

"Wait, is there?"

"God, I hope not, I hate crowds." We broke into another mess of laughter. I managed to get my laughter down in reasonable time to get air so I wouldn't suffocate. I don't know why but I took the time to look at Lovi for a moment. His hair was all over the place and his eyes were filled his tears from all the laughing. His face was also tinted kind of red from the laughing and drinking. "You have really smooth skin." I said.

"And you have really soft hair."

"Soft?"

"Yeah, like, I would love to shave it off to make a blanket."

"That's super fucking weird."

"You're weird."

"You're weirder."

"Alright bitch, you want to go?!"

"Yeah let's go!" He tried to grab at me but I caught his hand. I tried grabbing at him and he caught my hand. We were in that for a minute before I pushed him back. Out of instinct, he grabbed me to slow fall. It only brought me down with him in the process. 

And yet another fit of laughter came about.

"You're an idiot!" He said after a moment.

"You started this!"

"Well, you called me first!"

"You existed first!"

"God, you're so annoying!"

"You're annoying!"

"God, you're like a five year old."

"You might want to take a good look at yourself then." To be honest, I forgot I was in the real world. "Seriously, it's weird."

"What does that mean?"

"Like," I think it was the position we were in or maybe even the fact that I was drunk. "you're stupidly attractive."

"What kind of backhand shit is that?"

"I don't know, I can't really think straight."

He laughed hard, "That is by far, the funniest thing you've ever said."

"Why?"

"It doesn't make any sense."

"You don't make any sense."

"Congrats, nothing makes sense!"

"I wish it did."

"Why? If nothing makes sense then nothing matters." That was very much the wrong thing to say to me when I was in such weird state. What can I say, don't get drunk kids.

"Shit." I moved off of him and sat back in the spot I started in. "I hate this." I suddenly felt like crying. Lovi sat up and watched me with confused concern.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Everything, I hate it."

"Matt, there's nothing to hate about everything. It's all fine." It was strange how he was the one to keep a level head. Usually, I was the one doing that.

"It's not!" I couldn't bring myself to cry no matter how much I wanted to scream and sob.

"Matt, you're fine. Don't worry about anyone or anything else."

"I feel like that's something I've said to you but I can't quite remember if I did or not."

"You did." He smiled. "Practice what you preach dumbass." He had this glow to him that I hadn't seen in awhile.

"You want to know what's really funny." I grinned.

"What?"

"I honestly forgot why I'm here." I laughed. I guess my laugh was contagious because he was laughing too.

Another bang at the door.

"Shut the fuck up!" We heard from the other side. It only made us laugh harder.