Have you ever thought about how minds work? How does each individual on this earth think and feel? Am I alone in the sense of my inner mayhem? The world would implode if everyone thought like me. My thoughts run ramped day and night, I'm not even safe from myself in dreams. My mind constantly fights itself. I wake up a different person frequently and the worst part about it, I can't choose who that is. It's just who I am for the day, or week, or month.

Today, I wake up motivated; I clean the house, clean my car, do some self-care. I wake up and the day is mine for the taking. I am beautiful, I am strong, I am independent. I actually like who I see in the mirror. Hell, I'm the person who keeps their car spotless. I have my shit together. Right?

Tomorrow, I have to force myself from bed, don't bother with a shower... I have too much to do. My house is a wreck, it eats at me. I can't do anything about it, I have too much to do. The laundry needs to be done, the car needs to be cleaned, classes start soon, I need to eat, I need to go on a diet, I need to exercise, I have bags under my eyes, my clothes don't fit right. I can't do anything about it, I have too much to do. I got some stuff done today. Didn't I?

It's a miserable existence, to not know yourself. To not stay consistent with anything in life because you can't even stay consistent with yourself. To never truly disconnect from anyone or anything because you weren't who you were then, today. I keep a mental shield draped across the vast landscape of my mind, because a bomb could drop any moment; and I will be the one to drop it.

Self-sabotage has never held a greater meaning. If I stay content with something good, that feeling will go away. I never stay content. As soon as something goes well, as soon as I find myself being happy, I wake up a different person. A destructive, careless, selfish person. It's a living hell.