CARMEN

I saw disappointment in Michelle's eyes when I introduced her to Sasha.

Pero imbes na i-clarify sa kanya ang lahat, I just let her think what she wants to think.

When she asked if we could be friends, sinakyan ko na lang.

Hindi ko alam kung nakatingin siya sa akin when I walked away but I had a feeling she was.

For sure hindi nakalampas sa kanya na inakbayan ko si Sasha.

     "Is that her?" Nakangiting tanong ni Sasha habang naglalakad kami pabalik sa parking lot.

     "Yup!"

     "Wow! She's pretty."

     Tumango lang ako.

     Christine told me what happened to Michelle and Edward.

     I don't think she did it on purpose pero dahil madaldal nga, bigla na lang niyang nabanggit.

     Nalaman ko din ang ginawa ni Edward and I felt angry.

     Michelle was a wonderful woman.

     Siya yung tipong inaalagaan at hindi sinasaktan.

     If he really wanted her back, he managed to lose her for good.

     No wonder I saw that lonely look in her eyes.

     Kahit nakasmile siya, halata sa mata niya na meron siyang dinadala.

     Another part of me was glad that she finally made a decision for herself.

     Alam ko na the one thing that was holding her back dati was Zac.

     If the decision to leave Edward was influenced by what happened, perhaps it was for the best.

     Very common ang domestic violence and Michelle doesn't seem like the type to tolerate that shit.

     Palaban siya at alam ko na protecting her son was of utmost importance.

     When I went to Canada, hindi naman siya naalis sa isip ko.

     Lagi ko siyang naaalala.

     I remembered those moments when we kissed.

     There were so many things I wanted to do to her, good things, but I couldn't find the opportunity.

     Ang dami ding what-ifs na pumasok sa utak ko.

     What if I didn't say goodbye to her that day sa sinehan?

     What if pinagpatuloy namin ang pagkikita?

     Will it lead to something?

     The answer was a big I don't know.

     But when I think of what Sasha told me when she found out Nick was cheating on her and how I did the right thing by walking away, somehow I felt relieved.

     Now that Michelle's marriage is ending, the thought that maybe we finally have a chance came to mind.

     But when she offered her hand in friendship, my heart sank.

     Siguro hanggang doon na nga lang ang lahat.

     She closed that door when she asked if we could be friends.

     Ako naman, I accepted unwillingly.

     How could I be so stupid when from the start, hindi naman yun ang gusto ko?

     I wanted her more than a friend.

     My attraction for her was such that what I want to do was show her how much I like her.

     I want to hold her in my arms, to tell her how much she means to me, to kiss and lock her in a passionate embrace.

     Perhaps all those things were just a dream.

     Isa pa, I think it's too soon to pursue her.

     She and Edward go a long way back.

     They have a shared history and they have a son.

     Or baka naman it wasn't me she wanted?

     "Are you going to ask her out again?" Tanong ni Sasha habang nasa biyahe kami papunta sa Mall Of Asia.

     Traffic was moving at a snail's pace and we had plenty of time to talk.

     "I don't know. It still seems so complicated."

     "What is complicated?" Her green eyes were dark and puzzled.

     "She just got out of her marriage. Also, she asked if we could be friends." Pagtatapat ko.

     "What?" Nanlaki ang mga mata niya.

     "I don't know. Perhaps that's all there is to it."

     "How will you know if you don't try?"
     "Is it even worth it?"

     "Carmen, I don't peg you as the type of person to back down from a challenge. Remember what you did to Helene?"

"Why does everyone remind me of what I did?"

"Because it shows the lengths you would go for someone you care about." Paliwanag niya.

"But what if she didn't want to be with me?"

     "At least you know where you stand." Sagot niya.

     Habang namamasyal, hindi naalis sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Sasha.

     I was hesitant dahil there was a part of me na umaasa na Michelle would agree.

     Pero tama din naman si Sasha.

     Kung hindi ko susubukan, mananatiling walang kasagutan ang lahat.

     After a month of staying with us, hinatid ko si Sasha sa airport.

     It was a bright July afternoon when I dropped her off sa airport.

     "Thank you for everything." Sabi niya habang nakatayo kami sa tapat ng departure area.

     "You're welcome."

     "Let me know if anything happens with you and Michelle."

     "I still don't know what to do."
     "Maybe you should ask Helene." Suggestion niya.

     Nabanggit ko sa kanya ang nangyari sa café sa Tagaytay.

     Since Sasha believes in reincarnation and the presence of the otherworldly, sinabi niya na it's possible Helene was giving me a message to go after what I want.

     "She's the most generous woman I know. I'm sure that even in the afterlife, she wants you to be happy."

     Alam ko naman yun dahil lagi niyang sinasabi sa akin na if something should happen to her, I should love again.

     I wasn't happy everytime sinasabi niya iyon kasi para sa akin, I could never love someone the way I love her.

     But then dumating si Michelle and things changed.

     We got off on the wrong foot but when I got to know her, I opened up.

     I allowed myself to laugh again, to feel, to talk to someone.

     When she asked what I wanted to do, parang nabiyak ang helmet na suot ko.

     I was miserable when Helene died.

     She was the sun in my universe.

     When the light was put out, I stayed in the darkness because I thought that's where she was and I wanted to be with her for as long as I can.

     Michelle was a bright light.

     Her rays seeped through the dark fabric and I wanted to catch a glimpse of it.

     She was funny, irreverent and painfully honest.

     Hindi niya yata alam ang salitang filter dahil she says what's on her mind.

     I like that about her.

     Napangiti ako sa mga naisip.

     If I like her that much, then what am doing overthinking everything?