CARMEN

The holidays went fast for me.

I celebrated Christmas and New Year with the entire family.

Mama insisted that I attend Simbang Gabi since I haven't done it in a long time.

For the sake of being with them, I agreed.

It had been a long time since I attended a Roman Catholic mass because I always felt that I was never really accepted in the religion I grew up in.

Even with my non-attendance at Sunday mass, I believe in God and pray at night but that's the extent of my spirituality.

I think I was looking forward to eating puto bumbong and bibingka more than listening to the sermon.

I tried to keep my eyes open during mass and it was difficult since I'm not used to being dragged out of bed at 3 AM.

After the New Year, naghanda naman ako for my trip.

Blinky wasn't coming with me since I would only be gone for a month.

While I was folding my clothes, nakaupo siya sa gitna ng kama at pinanonood ako.

I guess I was projecting my sadness to her kaya kinausap ko siya at sinabi na babalik din ako.

She tilted her head na parang naiintindihan ang sinasabi ko.

When Helene was still alive, siya itong mahilig makipag-usap sa pusa.

The first time I witnessed it, kapapasok ko pa lang sa pintuan at akala ko may bisita kami.

She was talking to someone about a new chicken recipe na nabasa niya sa magazine.

Paglapit ko sa kusina, nakatalikod siya habang hinihintay na matapos ang minamicrowave niya.

Blinky was sitting on the counter at yun pala ang kausap niya.

Natawa tuloy ako.

I do the same thing now.

"Huwag kang mag-alala, Blinky." Tinupi ko ang pantalon at pinatong sa ibabaw ng gray sweatpants.

"Before you know it, nandito na ako." She moved her head to the right na akala mo eh naiintindihan ang sinabi ko.

"I'll buy you a toy. How's that?"

Ngumiyaw siya so I guess it's a yes.

Christine and Charles wanted a despidida party but I told them na strictly for family lang at pumayag naman sila.

I was scheduled to leave for January 12 and they set the party for a Friday.

Potluck-style at kanya-kanyang dala ng pagkain.

Christine brought spaghetti with meatballs, fruit salad and white bread while Charles and his family made roasted chicken, lechon kawali, at chopsuey.

Bumili ako ng chocolate cake, ice cream, isang case ng beer at three bottles of red wine.

Masaya naman ang party dahil nagkantahan at sumayaw ang mga bagets.

Christine took pictures at habang nagvi-videoke ang mga anak nila, nasa balkonahe naman kami at nag-uusap.

"Nakahanda na ba ang lahat ng dadalhin mo, Ate?" Tanong ni Charles.

May hawak siyang bote ng beer at nangangalahati na ang laman.

"Ready na lahat."

"Sure ka na okay lang kay Sasha na sa kanila ka tumuloy?" Puno ang bibig na tanong ni Christine.

May hawak siyang plato na may slice ng chocolate cake.

"Oo naman. She offered so it's all good."

"Anak," Pinatong ni Mama ang kamay niya sa hita ko.

Magkatabi kami sa upuan at kumakain din siya ng chocolate cake.

"Mamimiss ka namin."

"Kayo din po, mamimiss ko."

"Ma, baka maiyak kayo niyan." Kantiyaw ni Charles.

"Eh ano naman? Di ba nung huli, limang taon bago siya nakauwi?"

"Hindi naman po ako magtatagal doon dahil baka kapag wala ako, kalimutan niyo yung mga gamot at exercises niyo." May halong sermon sa sinabi ko.

"Oo nga." Tinuro ni Christine si Mama gamit ang hawak na tinidor.

"Di ba bago dumating si Carmen , ang hirap niyo painumin ng gamot?"
"Sus! Noon iyon." Depensa ni Mama.

"Basta, Ma. Huwag matigas ang ulo ha? If you want to keep getting better, don't miss taking your medications and keep doing your exercise." Payo ko sa kanya.

"Sabi ng doktor, if you keep at it, you'll be able to walk by yourself in a year or less."

"Pwede na kayo ulit mag-Zumba, Ma?" Nakangiting sabi ni Charles.

"Oo nga. Namiss ko din mag-Zumba ha?"

"Kapag magaling na magaling na kayo, attend tayo lahat ng Zumba class?" Mungkahi ni Christine.

"Pati ako?" Tanong ni Charles.

"Lahat nga di ba so ibig sabihin kasama ka." Mataray na sagot ni Christine.

Nagtawanan kami dahil napakamot sa batok niya si Charles.

On the day of my departure, dalawang van ulit ang naghatid sa akin papunta sa airport.

I booked a flight from Manila to Vancouver and from there, I will catch the plane to Calgary.

4:42 pm ang expected arrival ko and I e-mailed Sasha my itinerary.

I told her it's okay if she's late at ako na lang ang maghihintay sa kanya sa airport.

Ayokong mauna siya doon at maghintay ng matagal for me to get out of customs.

When it was time for me to go in, umiyak si Mama habang nagpapaalam ako.

As usual, nahawa din sina Christine pati ang mga pamangkin ko.

Si Charles itong nagkunwari na hindi naiiyak kaya tumalikod at saglit na iniwan kami.

"I'll be back in a month." I reminded them.

Matapos ang yakapan at iyakan, pinaalala ng mga pamangkin ko ang mga pasalubong nila.

Paul and Julio wanted a Calgary Flames jersey shirt.

Si Elise, gusto niya daw ng real maple syrup.

Adriene wanted chocolates and perfume while Benji asked for a Star Wars Lego set.

"Puro kayo hingi." Saway ni Christine sa mga anak niya.

"It's okay." Sabi ko sa kanya.

"Sige, Carmen. Basta mag-ingat ka dun ha? Tsaka huwag mong kalimutan yung purple Kate Spade handbag na sinabi ko sa'yo ha?"

"Ikaw din naman pala eh." Tukso ni Charles.

Hinawakan ako ni Mama sa kamay.

"Basta mag-text ka kapag nandun ka na ha?"

"Yes, Ma. I will call you on Skype."

"Okay."
I said goodbye one more time at lumakad na ako papunta sa gate.

Before I entered, I turned around to see my family waving at me.

My heart swelled with loneliness but like what I always tell them, babalik naman ako.

I felt my emotions rising in my throat.

Instead of swallowing to push it down my chest, I let it rose through the surface.

I shed a tear not only because I was leaving them but because in my heart I knew the real reason why I chose to leave—I was running away from Michelle.