CARMEN

Maganda ang panahon at maliwanag ang sikat ng araw para sa picnic namin nina Michelle.

Pagbaba ko sa kusina, nandoon na si Mama at kausap si Aling Magda.

Nakabukas ang radyo sa DZMM at nakikinig sila ng balita.

     "Mukhang bihis na bihis ka?" Tanong ni Mama habang tinitingnan ako mula ulo hanggang paa na akala mo eh nakasuot ako ng suit and tie when in fact, I was only wearing blue Nike sneakers, denim jeans, a hooded blue windbreaker jacket over a gray shirt.

     "We're going on a picnic, Ma." Inabutan ako ni Aling Magda ng plato na may lamang sunny-side up egg.

     "By we, si Michelle ang kasama mo?" Inabot ko ang mangko na puno ng sinangag.

     "Opo. Gusto daw magpicnic ni Zac so we're going to Tagaytay."

     "Mukhang napapadalas ang lakad mo kasama ang mag-ina?" Tumaas ang kanang kilay niya.

     Hindi niya kailangang magpaliwanag dahil alam ko kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin.

     "Ma, we had this conversation before di ba? I told you we're just friends."
     "Anak, ayoko lang na maging complicated ang buhay mo."

     "Ayaw niyo ba na I'm slowly getting better?" Sumubo ako ng isang kutsarang kanin na may halong ginisang corned beef.

     "Siyempre gusto ko. Pero ayokong masaktan ka."

"You don't have anything to worry about. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko sa inyo the last time, we're just friends. Ang mabuti pa, kumain na lang po tayo."

"Ikaw ang bahala." Humigop siya mula sa mug ng paborito niyang green tea.

Mama has every reason to worry.

I was starting to get out of the dark period in my life and my status is still very fragile.

But when Michelle asked me kung ano ba ang gusto kong gawin, pinag-isipan kong maigi ang mga bagay-bagay.

The truth was, I talked to Helene that night.

In the dark, habang mahimbing na natutulog si Blinky sa tabi ko, I was having a conversation with her in my head.

If Helene was in my shoe, what would she do?

One thing stood out in my mind.

She told me before that if ever something should happen to one of us, we should find someone to love again.

Back then, I thought it was ridiculous that she ever brought up the idea.

"I'm being realistic, Carmen. What if I die in my forties, don't tell me you'll be a widow for the rest of your life?"

Ang sagot ko, ayokong pag-usapan ang bagay na iyon dahil it's morbid.

She passed away at 43.

Pagkatapos kong kumain, I brushed my teeth, filled the mouthwash cap up to the brim, gargled for two minutes and kissed Mama on the cheeks.

"Mag-ingat kayo sa biyahe." Sumunod siya sa akin at hinatid ako palabas ng pintuan.

"Opo, Mama. Don't wait up for me, okay?"
     "Overnight ba ang lakad ninyo?"

"Hindi naman po. Just in case gabihin ako, you know where I am."

"Sige. Dahan-dahan sa pagmamaneho."
     Binuksan ni Aling Magda ang gate at pinaatras ko ang sasakyan bago tuluyang lumabas sa iskinita namin.

Michelle, Zac and Yaya Imelda were ready to go when I reached her house.

Since I didn't know whether to kiss her on the cheek, I said hello.

She smiled pero there was something distant in her eyes.

I'm not sure whether it was sadness or something else.

Tinulungan ko si Yaya Imelda na isakay ang baon nilang 48 quart red Coleman cooler at wicker picnic basket sa cargo storage habang tinutulungan niya naman si Zac na isuot ang seatbelt.

Nang ayos na ang lahat, nilock ni Yaya Imelda ang gate at umalis na kami.

Pagbukas ng makina, tumugtog ang Radioactive ng Imagine Dragons.

"Favorite mo?" Nakangiting tanong ni Michelle.

"Yeah. Is that okay? Pwede mong palitan ang songs if you like.

"It's okay. Gusto ko din naman ang music nila eh."
     "Good." Pinihit ko pakaliwa ang steering wheel para mag-huey sa malawak na kalsada.

On the way to Tagaytay, we had our version of carpool karaoke.

Pati si Zac at Yaya Imelda, nakikanta ng tumugtog ang Hello ni Adele.

Unlike that morning ng sunduin ko sila, it looks like Michelle's mood is picking up.

Sa Picnic Grove kami tumuloy and Michelle guided me on how to get there dahil she insisted on giving me directions kahit I suggested we used GPS.

Okay naman siya magnavigate dahil she tells me in advance kung kelan kakanan at kakaliwa.

When we reached our destination, she gave me the money for the entrance kahit na I told her that I would pay.

"Huwag na." Sabi niya habang binubuksan ang red leather wallet niya.

"Ikaw na nga ang driver pati ba naman sa pagbabayad, ikaw pa din?"
     Inabot niya sa akin ang pera which I then gave to the guy.

Si Zac ang pumili ng pwesto naman which was overlooking the Taal Lake.

It was a cloudless sky kaya mainit at sobrang liwanag.

Kahit maaga pa, marami ng namamasyal.

Hinanda ni Michelle at Yaya Imelda ang lamesa habang pinapakita naman sa akin ni Zac ang bagong Spider-Man comics na baon niya.

It was issue number one for 2018.

Spider-Man was swinging upside down sa cover at sa likod niya ay may lalake who reminds me of a rhinoceros because of the horns in front of his head, an alien with a crystal ball for a head, a dinosaur with razor-sharp teeth and a guy with a mustache who was wielding a knife.

"Gusto niyo na bang kumain?" Tanong ni Michelle after nila isalansan sa table ang egg and hotdog sandwiches.

"Di pa po ako gutom, Mommy." Sagot ni Zac na hindi inalis ang tingin niya sa comics.

He was sitting on my lap at tumabi sa akin si Michelle.

"Ikaw? Hindi ka pa gutom?"

Her body was inches away from me and I inhaled the fruity scent of her perfume.

"I'm okay."
     Inangat ni Zac ang tingin niya kay Michelle.

"Mommy, pwede ba kaming maglaro ni Yaya sa baba?" Tinuro niya ang Bermuda grass sa baba ng cabana kung saan kami nakapwesto.

"Sige. Basta huwag kang lalayo ha?" Pinunasan niya ang pawis sa noo ni Zac gamit ang panyo.

"Opo." Tumalon si Zac pababa at tinawag si Yaya Imelda.

"Dito lang kayo sa malapit, Yaya." Habilin niya bago hawak kamay na bumaba ang dalawa.

"Are you okay?" Tanong ko pagkaalis ni Zac at Yaya Imelda.

"Oo naman. Bakit mo naitanong?"

"You look bothered."

"Bakit mo naman nasabi?" Humarap siya sa akin and her face was so close I had to remind myself not to kiss her.

"I don't know. You have this look in your eyes when you're bothered by something."
     "What look?"
     "Your eyes are darker and there's no shine in there."

"Hindi ko alam na inoobserbahan mo pala ako?"

"I didn't mean to. I just couldn't help but notice dahil you're usually smiling." Paliwanag ko.

"Is something wrong?"
     Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin at pinagmasdan ko lang siya.

Her shoulders sagged, chest heaving slowly while she stares at nothing.

When she looked at me again, tears glistened in the corner of her eyes.

"Tumawag si Edward para sabihin sa akin na nag-file na sila ng petition for annulment."
     "I'm sorry."

Umiling siya.

"Hindi ko akalain na sa ganito magtatapos ang lahat." Huminga siya ng malalim.

"What do you want to happen, Michelle? Do you want him back?"

"Kahit gusto ko siyang bumalik kung ayaw niya na sa akin, what's the point?"

"Did you try to win him back?"
Hindi siya sumagot.

"How will you know if you stand a chance kung hindi mo susubukan? Are you going to give up on him tulad ng ginawa mo sa pangarap mo to go to law school?"

"Hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag eh."

"Ano ang hindi mo maipaliwanag?"
"Ito." Tinuro niya ako tapos ang dibdib niya.

"Now I'm the one who's confused."
"Naguguluhan ako dahil I starting to feel something for you too."

"I see."
"Alam ko na hindi dapat. Tapos nung tumawag siya, there was a part of me na nanghihinayang lalo na kapag naiisip ko si Zac."
"Does he know?"
"Nandun siya ng maghamon ng hiwalayan si Edward pero hindi ko pa sinasabi sa kanya na tuloy na."

"What about your parents? Alam na nila?
"Oo. Tinawagan ko sila."
"Anong nangyari?"

"Ano pa eh di galit na galit si Tatay? Gusto niyang kausapin si Edward pero sinabi ko na huwag na siyang manghimasok dahil baka lalo lang gumulo ang sitwasyon."

"What are you going to do now?"
"Hindi ko alam."
"Will it help if I stop seeing you?"
Bumalik ang lungkot sa mata niya.

I took her hand in mine.

"If it helps make things easier for you, ako na ang iiwas before we go too far with whatever it is we have."
"Ano bang meron sa atin?"
"Puppy love." Sagot ko.

Hinataw niya ako sa braso.

"Puro ka naman biro eh."
"What am I supposed to say? I thought that kiss was just an accident so I didn't think much about it."
"Aksidente lang ba talaga iyon?"
"I don't know. Not unless sinadya mo?"
"Bakit kasi kailangang maging complicated?" Pinisil niya ang mga daliri ko.

"It doesn't have to be. That's why ako na ang iiwas. Ayokong pahirapan ka lalo na at alam ko kung gaano kahalaga sa'yo si Zac."
"Mamimiss kita." Hinigpitan niya ang hawak sa kamay ko.

"I'm going to miss you too. But I don't want to see you suffer more than you already do."
Kinagat niya ang labi and I noticed that her lips were quivering.

"Why are you so good to me?"

"Someone once told me that I would never hurt them."
"Was that your wife?"

Tumango ako. I was glad she didn't say ex-wife.

I don't think I'm ready to call Helene that.

"Tama naman siya eh. Ang bait mo at ang swerte ng sinumang babae na makakasama mo."
"Why do I feel like you're saying goodbye to me?"
Ako naman ang nakadama ng lungkot.

"Dahil yun ang nararamdaman ko, Carmen. I feel like I'm losing you with what you are about to do."
Pinisil ko ang kamay niya.

"Michelle, you won't lose me. I will still be here if you need a friend."

"Ouch! Ang sakit ha? Friendzoned ako."

"At least this way, you know I'm not leaving you."
What I said didn't stop her tears from falling.

Kinuha ko ang panyo sa bulsa ng pantalon at inabot ko sa kanya.

Mabigat din ang pakiramdam ko pero what am I supposed to do?

It was clear she still has feelings for Edward.

I don't want to get in the way in case she wants to get back together with him.

But that thought didn't give me relief.

There was a knot in my chest and I don't want Michelle to see.

     Paakyat na si Zac at si Yaya Imelda kaya natigil ang pag-uusap namin.

     Gutom na siya kaya pinaghanda na siya ni Michelle ng makakain habang hinuhugasan naman ni Yaya ang kamay niya gamit ang tubig na nakalagay sa plastic bottle.

     Inabutan din siya ni Michelle ng sanitizer at ng sterile na ang kamay ni Zac, binigyan niya ito ng hotdog sandwich.

     Binigyan niya din ako ng paper plate at tinanong kung ano ang gusto kong kainin.

     I answered egg salad.

     Siya mismo ang kumuha ng sandwich at binigyan din ako ng canned lemon iced tea.

     Si Zac lang ang nagkikwento habang kumakain.

     Michelle listened to his stories but I sensed that her mind was far away.

     After lunch, iniwan namin si Yaya Imelda sa cabana para mamasyal.

     I took pictures of the two of them gamit ang phone niya.

     Nag-selfie din kaming tatlo where Zac was standing in front of Michelle and we stood behind him.

     Dahil ako ang matangkad at mahaba ang braso, I took the picture.

     Michelle and I were standing side-by-side.

After I said cheese, Zac made a face where his lips are shaped like that of a fish while Michelle and I just smiled.

     By three o' clock, nagyaya ng umuwi si Michelle dahil masakit daw ang ulo niya.

     Ayaw pumayag ni Zac pero sinabi ng mommy niya na babalik na lang sila ulit.

     That convinced him kaya hindi na ito nangulit.

     On the way home, nakaidlip silang tatlo.

     I turned down the volume para hindi sila maistorbo.

     Nag-focus ako sa pagmamaneho but my mind was somewhere else.

     Did I do the right thing with what I said to her?

     I was just getting to know her and we have to end things prematurely.

     Kung patuloy kaming magkikita, saan papunta ang relationship namin?

     We're no longer teenagers.

     Pareho naming alam na we are attracted to each other.

     Pero alam ko din na mahalaga sa kanya ang pamilya niya lalo na si Zac.

     What's the point of pursuing our feelings kung makakagulo lang ito?

     I care for her but its obvious that there are a lot of things she has to fix.

     Ginising ko si Michelle pagdating sa bahay nila.

     It took a while for her to open her eyes and she must be disoriented dahil tiningnan niya ang paligid before she realized where she was.

     Mahimbing pa din ang tulog ni Zac at nakasandal ang ulo nito sa bintana.

     Gising na din si Yaya at bumaba na siya para kunin ang mga gamit sa cargo.

     Bumaba na din ako para tulungan si Yaya magbuhat.

     Karga ni Michelle si Zac at pinasok niya ito sa kuwarto.

     Nang maipasok na lahat ng gamit, kumatok ako sa kuwarto ni Michelle para magpaalam sa kanya.

     I thought she was coming out to see me off so I was surprised when she told me to come in.

     Dahan-dahan kong tinulak ang pinto.

     Michelle was sitting on a queen-size bed looking down on the tiled floor.

     Behind her, the early afternoon light streamed through the satin blue curtains casting golden shadows of leaves on the floor.

     When she looked up, the look in her eyes were soft and tender as if she was about to cry.

     "Why don't she sit down?" She tapped the space beside her.

     I walked towards her, hesitant.

     "Hindi na ba talaga magbabago ang isip mo?" Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.

     "Tungkol saan?"
     "Sa sinabi mo sa akin kanina nung nag-usap tayo."
     "Michelle," hinawakan ko siya ng mahigpit, " you know this is the right thing to do."
     "I know."
     Binitawan ko ang mga kamay niya pero nagulat ako ng bigla na lang siyang yumakap sa akin.

     "I don't want to let you go."