CARMEN & HELENE

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle-
Why not I with thine?

See, the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower could be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea; -
What are all these kissings worth, or What is all this sweet work worth
If thou kiss not me?

Love's Philosophy-Percy Bysshe Shelley

***

Two years after Helene passed away, I sold our house at umuwi ako sa Pilipinas.

Hindi madali ang desisyon na bumalik dahil I considered Canada as home.

For fifteen years, dito ako tumira.

If it wasn't for the tragedy that happened, I was planning to stay there for good.

But my friends were worried about me especially since my family was so far away.

After my wife died, I fell into depression.

Hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay and I spent most of my time sleeping.

Napabayaan ko ang sarili ko, ang trabaho, pati na din ang bahay na pinundar namin when we got married seven years ago.

Nothing made sense to me when she died.

She was my world at kung wala siya, I didn't see the point of being alive.

Lahat ng malapit sa akin, nag-aalala na baka sumunod ako kay Helene.

My closest friend, Sasha, came by at the house everyday to bring me food and to feed our cat, Blinky.

Baka daw kasi isang araw, dumating na lang siya at makita na pareho na kaming namatay sa gutom o di kaya sa bacteria dahil the house was never cleaned.

Dahil wala akong energy, I decided to quit my job.

Ni hindi ko inisip kung paano kami makakasurvive.

I was so hopeless when I lost the woman I thought I'd spend my life with.

Around the sixth month after her death, I got out of bed by myself.

It was bright inside the bedroom and like a vampire, nagulat ako dahil ngayon ko lang ulit nasilayan ang araw.

Blinky, our gray and white domestic shorthair cat, was sitting at the foot of the bed at nagkatitigan kaming dalawa.

Just like me, nagulat din siya siguro dahil I haven't been getting out of bed for months.

Aside from going to the bathroom at kapag dumarating si Sasha, lagi lang akong nakakulong sa kuwarto.

The first thing I did was to feed the cat and to change the water in the dish bowl.

It was 9:49 am on the morning of July 17, 2019.

Ang weird ng pakiramdam ko.

I felt like I was trapped in a dark cave for so long that I have no concept of time and space.

The first thing I noticed was how quiet it was inside the house.

Unlike before when I would wake up to the sound of a French song playing in the living room, it was painfully absent.

Pero hindi ako umiyak like I always do kapag nasa higaan ako.

I sat on the couch at pinagmasdan si Blinky habang kumakain.

Kami na lang dalawa ang naiwan.

Just like the first time when I met Helene, it was my pet cat that was with me through everything.

I looked around the living room.

Malinis at maayos dahil Sasha not only comes to feed me but to organize the house as well.

Dahan-dahan akong tumayo palapit sa mantelpiece kung saan nakapatong ang picture frame namin ni Helene.

It was a black and white wedding picture at pareho kaming nakangiti.

She wore a white dress at white tuxedo naman ang suot ko.

Helene had a wreath of daisies in her hair at side view ng mukha namin ang kita.

It was the happiest day of my life and it was the same for her.

Too bad our bliss was cut short.

I expected myself to cry while looking at the photograph pero walang luhang pumatak.

I don't think I ran out of tears.

At that moment, my eyes were finally opened to the truth that no matter how I ignore reality, there was nothing that could bring her back.

Not the fact that the guy was behind bars for reckless driving and manslaughter or the fact that I was wilting away in my sleep.

Helene was gone and I'm still here.

That afternoon, Sasha was shocked to find me in the kitchen baking chocolate, blueberry, raisin and banana muffins.

She thought I lost my mind.

I assured her I was making food to give to everyone as a thank you for being with me during such a hard time.

The two of us packed the muffins in boxes and while she tied red ribbons around the box, I wrote on the note card.

Our friends knew I love to bake while Helene had no skills in the kitchen.

After packing the muffins, I made chai tea for both of us and we sat on the couch to watch the setting sun.

The golden sunbeam bursts and wrapped the white and gray sky in brightness that it was hard not to admire the radiance before me.

"What are you going to do now?" Tanong niya pagkatapos humigop ng tsaa.

Nakahilata si Blinky sa shag rug at payapang nakapikit.

"Find a job I guess."

"I think Helene would be happy to hear that." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.

Two months later, I was hired as a manager sa Tim's.

Mahirap ang re-entry ko sa workforce kahit pa this was my job for a long time.

Ang dami ng nagbago.

Pati ang menu, nag-include na din ng kids meal.

I was out of touch with the system that I had to relearn everything again.

There were times when grief would find me in unexpected moments at bigla na lang akong maiiyak.

When that happens, I would lock myself in the bathroom to cry.

Ayoko namang pigilan ang sarili ko dahil mas masakit kung lalo ko lang ikukulong ang nararamdaman ko.

I really thought that after months of depression, I was fine.

But it was dangerous to think that way.

Grief doesn't really leave.

It fades away but it doesn't mean I have forgotten.

Nilubog ko ang sarili ko sa trabaho.

Sometimes, I go out with our friends for dinner pero lalo ko lang naramdaman ang absence ni Helene in their company.

There were six of us na puro couples and seeing them all together was difficult for me.

Sasha was always with me dahil ang asawa niyang si Nicholas ay naka-assign sa Afghanistan.

Nicole and Laura were the other two people who made up our group.

They just got pregnant and they were excited to share with me the news lalo na dahil they have been trying for three years.

I was happy for both of them pero there was another part of me that was hoping na sana, Helene was here.

She likes kids but doesn't like the idea of giving birth.

When we started dating, it was one of the things we talked about.

Agree naman ako dahil I never really saw myself as a mother.

I enjoyed being an aunt lalo na at I have three nephews and two nieces courtesy of my sister, Christine and my brother, Charles.

Helene adored my family and they felt the same for her.

The first time they saw her on Skype, ang tanong ni Charles was how I managed to find someone like her na di lang maganda kundi mukhang matino din.

"Baka ginayuma mo siya ha?" Panunukso ni Charles.

"Loko ka."

Regular customer si Helene sa Tim's na dati kong pinagtatrabahuhan.

She was always there in the morning to get her large Earl Grey tea with three milk and one sugar and a breakfast bacon sandwich in a biscuit.

Sa umaga lang talaga siya pumupunta but when I introduced myself to her, pati sa hapon dumadaan na din siya bago umuwi.

We talked until eventually, I asked her out.

Kahit hindi ko alam if she was into women, I dove right in.

Kako, bahala na.

The first time we went out, pumunta kami sa Lake Louise.

I mentioned that I rarely get a day off during the weekend at gusto kong pumunta dun.

Pumayag naman siya lalo na at mahilig siyang mag-hiking at camping.

Now I have never been hiking not only because I didn't have the time but because I was never really into those kinds of things.

Mas gusto ko ang kumain sa labas, manood ng sine o di kaya magbabad sa loob ng bahay para maglaro ng video games.

When I told Helene about it, she was shocked.

"You have one of the most beautiful mountains in your backyard, Carmen. You're supposed to enjoy it." Sermon niya.

Dahil sa gusto ko siyang makasama, pumayag ako.

Hindi niya daw ako pahihirapan kaya we will start with an easy trek.

I don't think the hike to Lake Agnes Tea House was an easy one pero I tried not to complain too much on the way up lalo na at maalikabok at mainit.

Kapag may dumarating na mga nakasakay sa kabayo, lalong kumakapal ang alikabok.

Helene doesn't seem to mind kaya tumahimik na lang din ako.

Para sa akin, lalo siyang gumanda kasi hindi siya maarte.

Nakaponytail ang strawberry blonde hair niya at pinkish ang pisngi di lang dahil sa init kundi dala na din siguro ng endorphins.

Once in a while, we would stop to admire the emerald green lake and the Fairmont Palliser na parang castle ang itsura.

When we reached the teahouse, ang haba ng pila sa loob.

Imbes na maghintay, humanap na lang kami ng pwesto sa gilid ng lake at kinain ang baon namin naming cheese sandwich at iced tea.

Maingay dahil maraming tao sa paligid.

Most of them were taking pictures o di kaya ay tulad din namin na nakaupo at pinagmamasdan ang lawa at bundok na nasa harapan ng tea house.

Dahil summer, mainit ang panahon at tagaktak ang pawis ko dahil sa pag-akyat.

Wala ding hangin kaya lalong maalinsangan.

Pinagmasdan ko si Helene na tahimik na kumakain.

Nakangiti siya habang nakatingala sa asul na ulap.

"Isn't this nice?" Inalis niya ang tingin sa langit at tiningnan ako.

"What is?"

"This." Inangat niya ang daliri. "You, me and paradise."

Hinatid ko siya sa apartment niya after ng lakad namin.

I was standing by the threshold habang nagpapaalam.

Tatalikod na sana ako ng tawagin niya ulit.

"I had a good time." Sabi niya.

"Me too."

Pareho kaming natahimik at magpapaalam na sana ako pero nagsalita siya ulit.

"Would you like to go out with me?"

"Huh?" Gulat na tanong ko. Akala ko kasi, mali ang dinig ko.

"Dinner. With me." Nakangiti siya.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes."

Bago ako umalis, she kissed me on the cheek.

That was the start of many dates.

Unti-unti, I learned to like the outdoors.

After four months of going out, pinakilala niya ako sa mga kaibigan niya.

Sasha was her bestfriend and she was the nicest to me.

Yung iba, they were nice too but it took them a while to get used to me.

I learned that I was the first non-Caucasian person Helene dated although hindi sila nagulat na she was seeing a woman dahil she had been with men and women before.

Kung ako ang first non-Caucasian person she dated, siya naman ang first Caucasian woman I went out with.

Most of my exes kasi were Filipinos.

I never imagined I would fall for someone like Helene.

Ang akala ko, she would never give me the time of day.

But the first time I saw her in line, I was awestruck.

She was tall, her hair in loose curls and she had the most striking green eyes I have ever seen.

Her smile was also warm and captivating.

It drew me in kapag ngumingiti siya.

When I ask her why she said yes when I asked her out, she said she was drawn to my kind eyes.

"What does that even mean?" Nagtatakang tanong ko.

"In them I could see that you would never hurt me."

She proposed to me after nine months of dating.

We went hiking again at sinabi niya na gusto niyang bumalik sa teahouse.

Pumayag naman ako dahil hindi na kami ulit bumalik dun after that first time she took me hiking.

Pagdating namin, ang dami na namang tao dahil summer na naman.

Just like the first time, humanap kami ng pwesto sa tapat ng lake at doon umupo.

Tumalikod ako para ilabas ang mga baon namin at pagharap ko, nakaluhod si Helene.

May hawak siyang Tiffany box at sa loob nito ay may solitaire diamond ring.

Nakatingin sa amin ang ibang tao at yung iba were taking a video.

I felt myself heat up even more.

"Carmen, will you marry me?" Hindi niya alintana ang mga tao sa paligid.

"Yes." Sagot ko habang pinipigilan ang sarili ko na maiyak.

Pagkasabi ko nito ay sinuot ni Helene sa daliri ko ang singsing.

Nanginginig pa ang kamay niya at pagkatapos niya itong isuot ay hinalikan niya ako sa labi.

Nagpalakpakan ang mga tao at naiyak ako sa tuwa.

We were married for seven years, five months, two weeks and three days.

She was on her way back from work when the accident happened.

I don't think I have a premonition when she left that Friday morning.

Helene kissed me on the lips like she always does before leaving for work.

She reminded me about our Saturday appointment with the vet for Blinky's yearly check-up.

I told her I would not forget especially since the reminder kept popping up on my phone every hour since Thursday.

If I had known it was the last time I would see her, I would have kissed her longer.

I felt like the accident robbed me of Helene.

Even though we've been married for a long time, feeling ko, we were still in the honeymoon phase of our marriage.

I love how smart she was.

Mahilig siya sa mga trivia and her favorite board game was Scrabble.

The first time she put the word oryx, akala ko she was making it up.

"I'm not." Pagpupumilit niya.

"Did you know that it was even the title of a Margaret Atwood novel?"

Umiling ako.

I heard of Atwood but never really read any of her work dahil hindi naman ako mahilig magbasa.

"It was called Oryx and Crake."

"Let me guess. You read the novel?"

"Not really. Her novel The Edible Woman scared the shit out of me." She cringed.

"Prove to me that oryx really is a word." Hamon ko.

Kinuha niya ang dictionary na nasa tabi ng Scrabble at mabilis na binuklat ang letter O.

Tama nga siya.

It was indeed a word.

"A noun, genus of large antelope having long nearly straight horns." Basa niya.

"Okay. You win."

She closed the dictionary with a triumphant smile.

Hindi siya marunong magluto pero mahilig siyang maglinis at mag-ayos ng bahay.

Before we bought a house, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment downtown para malapit sa trabaho namin.

She kept everything tidy dahil ang katwiran niya we should conserve our space lalo na at Blinky needs her space too.

She considered my cat her daughter.

Love naman siya ni Blinky dahil when I first brought her to the basement suite I was renting, she jumped on Helene's lap at doon na nakatulog.

I thought it was a good sign lalo na at she hissed on the other girls the first time Blinky met them.

Helene was also very frugal except for one thing—vinyl records.

Yun ang bisyo niya.

Kaya naman when I was going through her collections, it was difficult for me to decide whether I should sell or keep them.

I chose the latter.

When Christine texted me one night to tell me I have to go home dahil Mama had a stroke, kasama sa mga inempake ko pauwi ang record collection niya.

Music had always been a part of her life and I could never part with her treasures.

Saying goodbye to our friends was bittersweet.

They told me I have a place to come home too if I ever decide to come back.

It made me miss Helene.

She was my home.

Sasha drove Blinky and I to the airport.

May pabaon siyang homemade apple and cinnamon strudel para sa akin at salmon-flavored cat treat for Blinky.

We hugged for a long time.

When I walked away, I felt as if I was leaving a part of my life permanently.

I knew I shouldn't think that way pero ramdam ko na I was walking into a new chapter of my life.

I was stepping in to a blank sheet once more but it wasn't entirely true.

Helene will always be in my heart.

She was my here and now.

Just because she was gone does not mean the end of everything we shared.

After seventeen hours of travelling, the plane landed in Manila on a bright March morning.

Blinky was with me the whole time because I opted to pay for business class para magkasama kami.

When I lost Helene, I realized that life is too short to worry about anything especially money.

Since I was her beneficiary, it helped that she saved a lot.

We were planning to settle in the Philippines and buy a house by the sea.

Sadly, the house by the sea with her in it was not meant for both of us.

My entire family was waiting after I got out of immigration.

The rest of my belongings will be shipped to the Philippines and their wasn't much dahil most of it, binenta ko na.

Naiyak ako when I saw Mama sitting on a wheelchair.

She used to be this person na kilos ng kilos.

Kung hindi siya naglilinis ng bahay, she was in the garden at nagwawalis.

Meron din siyang alagang mga manok at baboy.

Gumisising siya ng maaga para pakainin ang mga ito o di kaya ay para linisin ang kulungan.

I remember helping her as she gathered the eggs from the coop.

Binebenta namin ang mga ito at yung may mga shells na may crack, niluluto niya o di kaya ay gumagawa siya ng leche flan.

I was disheartened to see her looking fragile and vulnerable.

When I came closer to give her a hug, naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng luha niya sa leeg ko.

Umiiyak din ako ng humiwalay sa pagkakayakap niya.

Pati mga kapatid ko, naiyak din.

Dalawang van ang sinakyan namin pabalik ng Cavite.

Si Charles ang nag-drive sa sasakyan namin at kasama ko si Mama, ang katulong na si Aling Magda, si Blinky at ang pamangkin ko na si Adriene at Julio, panganay at bunsong anak ni Charles at ang asawa niya na si Suzy.

Katabi ko si Mama sa upuan and the whole time we were travelling, hawak niya ang kamay ko.

Hindi naman niya ako pinapauwi but I made the decision to come home dahil lagi niya akong hinahanap.

Since I came to Canada, I only went home once—nung mamatay si Papa.

That was nine years ago.

Lagi akong kinukulit ni Helene na dumalaw kami para makilala niya ang family ko pero she had a tragedy of her own.

Nalunod ang daddy niya during one of his fishing trip sa Montreal.

It was a freak accident dahil seasoned fisherman ito.

That was in 2014.

We were supposed to go to the Philippines that year pero we changed our plans to see her family in Montreal instead.

The following year, ang Maman niya naman ang sumunod.

She has been diabetic for years and one morning, natagpuan ng katulong nila na naninigas ang katawan.

Dinala siya sa hospital where she fell in a coma at nagising din after three days.

Bumalik kami ulit sa Montreal for a visit pero she had to come back three weeks later dahil her mother caught pneumonia which eventually led to her demise.

Helene was inconsolable.

She was very close to her parents.

Being an only child, they adored her and she was the same.

Tulad ko, she fell into depression but unlike me, she went back to work five days after her bereavement leave.

She worked harder sa oil and gas firm where she has been employed for eleven years.

I was worried she was going to get sick dahil malimit wala siyang gana.

When grief finally caught up with her, she collapsed in my arms.

I was thinking of Helene as I looked outside the window.

Ang sabi niya, no one can replace your family.

After she lost both of her parents, she kept bugging me to book a flight to Manila dahil she wanted to meet mine.

We planned to visit during my birthday in February 24.

On January 5, 2019, she passed away at 7:19 in the evening.

"Tita, we're here."

I opened my eyes when I heard Adriene's voice.

Tumigil ang van sa tapat ng bahay namin.

Brown at puti pa din ang kulay ng two-storey house pero kung dati gawa lahat sa kahoy, sementado na ito.

Ang bintana na dati ay jalousy ay napalitan ng malalaking rectangular glass windows.

Ang dating bakod na gate ay grills na ngayon.

Pati ang balkonahe kung saan malimit kaming tumambay ay sementado na din.

Hindi na gawa sa yero ang bubong kundi sa terracotta tiles.

Naunang bumaba si Kuya para tulungan si Aling Magda na ibaba si Mama.

Bumaba na din ako para tulungan sila.

Paglabas ko ng van, naamoy ko ang Ylang-ylang na nakatanim sa gilid ng bahay.

Kahit ang tagal ko ng nawala, the scent brought me back to a time when I knew I was finally home.