1: DJAtomika

Judges Score 7
Public Vote 4
Total Score 11

Judges Comments
I enjoyed reading this scene. It was very well written. However, there were a few things that didn't quite make sense to me. Most people know what a bellboy is, but what on Earth is a bellhop? That word confused me. I can see that the trip in the lift takes a strange turn for your character so I would have liked to have seen more of his fear shown.

2. MikeMacColin
Judges Score 8
Public Vote 5
Total Score 13

Judges Comments
I enjoyed reading this scene. I thought the small talk was well written. It must be hard for your character being a delivery man to be stuck in a life. The small piece of humour lightened the scene and brought it to life. However, I can't help wondering whether or not people would say that out loud.

3. anitaleroux1975
Judges Score 4
Public Vote 9
Total 13

Judges Comments
A decently written short story with some fun romantic elements. The descriptions are ok however there are lots better ways to describe the eye rather than using the word, 'orbs'. I'm afraid it does remind me of a cliche romance book, maybe teen fiction or fan fiction. This could have been a lot better without the 'orbs' and the tense issues that I noticed within this short story. There was something that stood out to me that looked out of place and it was the fact Cassie bowed to Joon. I don't think people would normally do this even if he's a millionaires son. He's not royal.

4. SolarEclipse3197 [WINNER 🥇]
Judges Score 9
Public Vote 7
Total 16

Judges Comments

Question. Wouldn't both characters say at the same time still be written separate dialogue than this?

"1...2...3"

"Ice cream!" "Anchovies!"

☝️

I really like the conversations for this. It seem so natural and gives less anxiety when stuck in the elevator. The description of the characters as well in their dialogues about themselves without so much info dumping is well written! Not sure if there's any 'senses' in the plot, but gonna give that just one minus and everything else fine. Good job!

5. uschibear

Judges Score 6
Public Vote 3
Total 9

Judges Comments

So the bickering turned friendly plot isn't new, but I liked your writing. The problem is there's a bit extra spaces on their dialogue and probably one misuse of punctuation. I also would like a little description about the characters or more written 'senses' in the plot because I can't imagine what Arianna looks like and I'm guessing Auric is the typical abs hottie type of guy? Furthermore, I can't even tell if it's possible for a regular guy know how to unbolt the elevator's ceiling screws or doesn't he need a tool? But that aside, the plot is ok, but the writing is bit off.

6. AutumnPeek4

Judges Score 4
Public Vote 0
Total 4

Judges Comments

Let's talk about writing here. I can't call this decent or well written as there are a lot of missing punctuation. There are also more 'I did this, I did that' which is getting repetitive for this entry. Try to proofread before publishing your entry. Or read out loud and see if your tongue can read smoothly.

Regarding the plot. I see the word 'lift', so is Murphy James British? And how does James know his thoughts of Evergreene have an 'e' in the end of her name? Lastly, the scent of bread kind of appeared out of nowhere and then ending the scene of Evergreene sliding down the wall to the ground felt incomplete, not even an opening ending type.

7. Author_Deliah_Rose SkullantacySmith

Judges Score 7
Public Vote 7
Total 14

Judges Comments
It's a solid scene, I give you that. Spelling and grammar leave nothing to desire, your main character is built up with description and general characteristics in a very natural way, and the dialogue between her and Peter sounds natural enough.

The thing that caught me on the wrong foot was the implied predatory scene - I had to read it three times to actually realize that this was most likely all in her imagination. If it hadn't... well, even in fiction I cannot accept that a totally strange man would spontaneously decide to pass the time in a stuck elevator by resorting to sexual assault. But if Macy expects that kind of behavior from the everyday man, then she has some serious issues. Sorry, but I had to address that.

8. -KaylaWinchester
Judges Score  9
Public Vote 5
Total 14

You hit just the right tone with this one for me. The frustration of being stuck in a lift, having a very impatient person with you who doesn't realize that yelling at the person who is supposed to help you doesn't do any good (a notion that I constantly have to teach our customers). "'But I' nothing!" is a very cathartic line for anyone who is acquainted with working in customer support (the equivalent to "Yes, but..." "Yes, but Nothing! Zip it!").

The only thing that is a bit off for me is how quickly the other character changes their attitude within the scene, from being a complete pain in the butt to being... maybe not super-friendly, but very sociable all of a sudden. This could have been worked out a little more. But hell, you only have 800 words for this, so what else shall you do?

9. JABrownOfficial

Judges Score 3
Public Vote 7
Total 10

How do I put this? First of all, the lift didn't get stuck, the ride was just unfavourably long. Second: What kind of lift were you describing there? Nobody has ever described lift doors as heavy iron gates that make deafening screeching noises. Is this lift going straight to hell?

Third and foremost: The dialogue between the two is anything but natural sounding to me. It's more like Jack and "Alfred Kensington" are spouting just as much exposition as they possibly could within the space of time they have, making the dialogue feel like the following exchange: "I am a vampire." "Oh, I am a vampire, too." "I am an important vampire." "So, how do you feel, as a fellow vampire?" I mean, it doesn't seem like they know each other, but they go from absurd questions like "How do you like the rain?" to detailed family information that under no circumstances would sound natural in that sort of situation.

In my opinion this entry hasn't fulfilled the criteria for this round.