Song: Human by Christina Perri

Really helped me through writing this chapter!

Ok, guys, from here on, I have to warn you. There might be scenes which contain severe occurrences of depression and self-harm. so I request those who aren't comfortable with this to read with caution  

"Things will get easier, 
people's minds will change, 
and you should be alive to see it."

―Ellen Degeneres   

.*.*.*.*.

"Ms. Hart...' The substitute teacher said staring at me with unmasked curiosity. I didn't blame him. This is my second detention on a consecutive day. "Come in," he said hesitantly as my cheeks turned crimson with the unwanted attention. I didn't need to be told twice as I scurried inside and sat on the nearest desk. "Late to English again..?" the teacher asked, trying to start a conversation.

"Yes, sir. I didn't mean to." I said in a small voice with nervousness bubbling inside me. We were so far the only two people in the room.

"Ok, then. We'll have more people joining us pretty soon. Why don't you get started on your essay?" The teacher asked me pushing a paper onto my desk.

'An essay on tardiness' 

Now, who would've thought of that?

I sighed as I pulled out my pen from my backpack. 

"What is up, Mr. T!" A cheery voice greeted from the back. I turned my head around to see James, A guy from my chemistry class. He was popular which meant he didn't know my name. I turned back to the desk trying to make myself as small as possible. I had seen him around. He was part of the football team. I didn't really have that much of an interaction with the guy though.

"Mr. Collins." The teacher replied in a monotone voice. "I was wondering where you were." He finished with a sigh.

"Always a pleasure," James said with a smirk as he picked up a sheet from the teacher's table. He turned around ready to head back when his eyes landed on me. They stayed on me for a while as I fisted my palms up. I pretended to look down and he was about to say something but was interrupted by the loud opening of the door. He immediately looked towards the door and a smirk made its way onto his face.

"Dude! Mr. T, good day,"A loud voice came from behind me and I heard a pair of footsteps making their way into the classroom. The guys who walked in were most probably his friends. They were pretty loud. I tried to ignore them and made myself busy with the essay.

The sooner I get this done with, the better.

The teacher, on the other hand, sighed defeatedly. "This is meant to be a form of punishment people," he mumbled under his breath.

The three boys sat at a table behind me. I don't have enough words to describe the awkwardness I was feeling. I clearly haven't been with this crowd before. 

Where was Adrian anyway? He was the reason I was forced into this after all.

'Tardiness is not the best trait...' I started off.

"So, hello there, newbie!" A voice whispered in my ear and I jumped, very much startled and spun my head around to find one of the guys who had entered the class. He was smiling down at me. But somehow it wasn't genuine, it seemed more creepy to me. His friends at the back of the room seemed to be snickering about something while they not so subtly sneaked glances at us.

I've been pretty much ignored for most of my time in high school and I didn't really know how to reply. I wanted to say something along the lines of 'piss off!' but all I could manage was a weak "Hi."

The guy's smile only seemed to widen. I was feeling more uncomfortable as time passed.

"Well..." the guy whispered in a lower voice as I shifted in my seat. suddenly I felt his hand on my thigh and I jumped, drawing in a sharp breath. I snapped my head to look at him, with no doubt fear in my eyes. "Relax, Maddie told us all about you."

My mind was a chaos. I felt dizzy.

Maddie had told them what exactly?!

"Honestly, I wouldn't have thought you would be that kind of girl you know," The guy continued as his hand started moving up, making me feel physically sick and completely disgusted with myself for not having the courage to push him off. "But I should have guessed. You and Lucas seem pretty close, never understood why before." he continued, his hand trailing further up, his touch making me feel nauseous.

 I clenched my fists as my breathing became more panicked. My body revolted against his hand as like thousands of needles prickling against my skin.

"But hey, I'm up for it! How about I wait outside after this?" He whispered in a deep voice. 

Wait outside for what exactly?!

I heard the muffled laughter of his so-called friends behind him and I shifted in my seat, trying to move away from the guy but his grip on my thigh tightened and he leaned forward into me, too close for my liking. My panic skyrocketed and I wanted to puke with the bile rising up my throat.

"I won't bite sweetheart," he whispered again. "Not unless you want me to." I clenched my eyes shut and turned away, feeling the burning sensation of tears behind my eyelids. "You don't mind my friends watching too, right?" he chuckled as if he had made a joke but I felt violated and harassed beyond belief.

I am so pathetic! I can't deal with myself right now.  

The guy left my leg and go up to go back to his friends to share his 'achievement'. I heard them fist-bumping each other and some laughter too like it was actually funny.  I felt the exact opposite.

"Quiet down kids!" The teacher muttered giving an annoyed sigh.

I could still feel his hands rubbing up and down my thigh. Every disgusting remark he made was running on a loop in my head. But the most disgusting thing was that I could do absolutely nothing about it. I clenched my eyes shut again and I opened them to see a drop on my paper.

There it was again, These disgusting, pathetic tears.

I thought I had gone through it all. The physical abuse, their taunts; but this? this felt the worst.

I hate myself. So much that it actually hurts.

The rest of the detention passed by in a blur. My mind not taking in anything that happened. I vaguely remember submitting the paper, but I don't know what I wrote. I don't care anyway. I waited in the parking lot, hiding behind the pillar until they had to leave after getting a call.

A coward. That's what I am.

I reached home after a short walk, my mind elsewhere. I unlocked the door and pushed it open. I could immediately tell that there was nobody home because of the quietness surrounding it. I walked up to my room and made my way into the bathroom.

Seeing my reflection in the mirror, it was easy to see why people didn't like me. I hate me. Who wouldn't? 

Pulling the drawer open I look at the packet that was haunting me since the day I bought it. Sighing I took it out and opened it. Tilting it, the silver metal falls into my palm. I gently side my fingers along the edges.

Does it really help? 

I read that it could numb the mental pain... But could it numb this self-hate?

It should help, that's why people do it in the first place. What's the harm in trying? It's just skin. It'll heal.

Placing the blade on my wrist, I didn't really know how to go about it. How deep should it be? The metal felt cold against my wrist and I pushed it down applying pressure but not enough to cut skin. 

I took in a deep breath. Every insult they had thrown my way, every moment when they had beaten me, pushed me, laughed at me, all the nights I just came back home to wet the pillow with my pathetic tears. That's all filled my mind. In that second it seemed crystal clear.

Anything. I would do absolutely anything to forget even a fraction of those memories.

Just as I was about to press the blade deeper in, a face flashed in my mind, making me stop in my tracks.

Luke. 

What would he say if he saw me like this? What would he think?

I moved the blade further away from my skin, the horrid memories slowly dissipating and the void was filled with the good ones. Luke, my mom, dad, my grandma! Oh god! She would be heartbroken at how I had given up. When had I become this weak? 

Just like that, the moment was over. I shook my head before pulling open the drawer and tossing the blade inside. Shutting my eyes again, I clutched on to the basin and looked at my reflection.

So many people have it worse, it's not right for me to complain. I had been blessed with too many people who care so much about me, it's hard to understand why. I need to be strong for them if not me. 

Pushing myself off of the basin I was making my way out of the washroom when a thought struck me. 

Would I have done it if I could? 

Most probably not. I am a coward after all.

.^.^.^.^.

I switched on my phone to see four messages from Luke. That made me smile immediately.

Luke:
    Hey Ally!

Luke:
   Missed me? You got away today, I'm not letting you go tomorrow, without telling me, ok?

Luke:
      Reply!!! :'(

Luke:
     Detention? :'D Really?!

The last message wiped the smile right off my face remembering what the guy had commented about our friendship. For a second, I contemplated telling Luke everything but I didn't want to seem weaker than I already was. I couldn't burden him anymore. Especially knowing that hanging out with someone like me brought him down.

I was just about to type out a reply when the phone started ringing in my hand. It was an unknown number and I paused for a second before answering it. Placing it on my ear, I heard the endearment which brought back everything.

"Hey, Sugar." the sleepy, deep voice greeted me. An anger so unfiltered, coursed through me that it took me by surprise. It was his fault after all. 

He got me into detention! He didn't turn up himself! If he had been there would that guy still have come to me? I didn't really know the answer to that. For all I know, Adrian could have set the whole thing up! I didn't even know the guy. 

Deep down I knew that this was my fault but blaming it on him seemed so much easier. I didn't know him! And I still felt so betrayed. How was that even possible? What is wrong with me!

"Sugar..?" he said again with worry lacing his voice.

Hah! He was worried now?! Where was he when I needed him anyway?! I couldn't reply to him. I couldn't find the words. I didn't know whether to brush it off and walk away or scold him mercilessly for getting me into this.

"Issa?" He called again this time sounding more awake. "Say something..." he trailed off but I still didn't reply. My grip on the phone tightened as the memories came back to me again. "Are you okay..?" He asked with seriousness in his voice.

"Why?" I whispered out finally not sure if he heard me.

"What-" I didn't wait to hear his whole reply before cutting the call and throwing the phone onto my bed. 

This was probably normal for other girls. It must have been a daily joke to them. I was most probably overreacting. It was all because of my lack of expertise.

But he should have been there.

He shouldn't have got me into that.

.^.^.^.

 So... That happened. I'm so sorry for the delay guys! This was a hard chapter to write and I had to rewrite it many times before it felt right. I hope you liked it. 

To people out there who are going through this stuff, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always there. Please don't ever resort to harming yourself. Nobody, absolutely Nobody is worth your pain.

Please don't be silent readers. I would love to hear what you think about the story. Do you think Alyssa's anger towards Adrian is justified? Let me know

Til next time,
Loads of love!