The elated feeling of finding my mate, kissing my mate, being touched by mate, it all came crashing down. Painfully. The fluttering turned to nausea and I couldn't look at him. Alpha of the Blood Moon Pack. The Alpha who was known not just here but nearly everywhere in the world as being the most vicious, the most dangerous, the one who not only killed needlessly but enjoyed doing it. How could that Alpha be my mate?

My mind was split in half. I wanted nothing to do with him. He was no good. He was evil. But he was mine. He was mine and I wanted him. I needed him. I craved him. His intensity suddenly made so much more sense. No wonder his presence was so strong. I'd heard plenty about his incomparable strength but feeling it was a whole different experience. Strong enough to take on several packs at once with no breaks in between, which he'd done on more than one occasion. The only time I ever saw his pack come up it was quickly followed up with one word. Killers.

It didn't make sense. I'd heard from other people who saw the messes he left behind that it was a blood bath, that he had no mercy, that he killed even when people surrendered. That all sounded bad enough to reject him right then and there but it didn't add up. He'd been so tender with me, rough yes, but tender too. I was so confused, too confused to focus on the meeting. I couldn't hear a damn thing.

I could feel his stare on me but I just couldn't look at him again. It made no sense. He'd shown he had no loyalty to anyone. His pack had no allies and he never helped a neighboring pack, not once. He did, however, take advantage when he saw a weakness. He'd overthrown five packs just in the last two years. His pack was so large he had two Betas and four Gammas. Part of me grew excited at the thought. He was strong. Strong and powerful enough to silence a room. It was normally something I would love to have in a mate. But it came with coldness. He was merciless. Those were traits I couldn't get past.

The meeting ended and I didn't notice until Renzo was waving a hand in front of my face. I snapped out of it and couldn't stop the glance to Kane who was staring at me with furrowed brows. He tilted his head and I could almost feel him asking me what was wrong and that only made it more confusing. If he was as bad as everyone said, why would he show a soft side with me?

Except I'd heard the story a thousand times- vicious pack leaders finding their mates, showing they were capable of more by being incredibly loving, only to flip a switch the moment the marking happened, after their mate was stuck with them and sometimes powerless, they'd go right back to their ruthless ways and it never ended well. It never ended well.

I could feel him reaching out to me in our bond but I couldn't. It was too much. Between Addie and him... I'd just found him and now I didn't know what to do. I tore my eyes away and packed up my papers.

"Dude, what's going on with you?" Renzo asked. "Why was the Alpha of the Blood Moon Pack staring at you through the whole meeting?"

Kane could hear. I know he could hear and it was clear he was paying very close attention to me. I could feel it because somehow, our bond was already strong. Strong enough I could feel his confusion, his concern, even the little bit of jealousy in there as Renzo stayed close to my side. That bothered me, too. Wasn't me telling him I was his when he first saw Renzo next to me good enough?

Fuck, I was going to spiral if I dwelled on this anymore. I could feel it. I couldn't deal with this now. I had another meeting to attend and admitting to Renzo that my mate, the person who was supposed to be my other half, was the murderer I'd talked shit about only hours ago, I just couldn't do it.

"Who knows," I answered quietly, grabbing the bag and heading to the door, making sure to not look at Kane again as I exited and hurried down the vague direction I heard the next meetings would happen.

I needed to think. I needed to process. There were too many factors I didn't know and I just needed a minute to really think it through and try to figure out how to proceed. Except I didn't have a minute to spare. The next meeting was right after this one and I had a job to do, I had my pack to think of. There was no time to think or process and that just made it harder.

There was only one thing I knew for certain. Addie's life was on the line. Their pup's life was on the line. Gamma above all else. I wouldn't be distracted, not even by my mate, not when my Luna and her baby's life was in danger.

"Tess, what's wrong?" Renzo asked, following after me. "You should be thrilled after that. You made history in that room! No Gamma has ever had five pack leaders bow their heads for them. You're a first. That's amazing!" Renzo said, pumping his fists in the air.

"Yeah," I muttered, picking up my pace when I smelled Kane getting closer, felt him getting closer. I was upset and he should be the one I ran to for comfort but the problem was, he was the reason for the conflict in my heart. And so my heart split even more. I didn't have time for this shit.

"Tess," Renzo said, grabbing my arm.

"What?" I snapped just as a growl reverberated down the hallway.

I already knew that growl so well and we'd barely spent any time together. I quickly stepped away from Renzo's grasp as Kane made his way down the hallway, eyes fixed on Renzo. Shit. I didn't want to fight my mate but I'd be damned if he hurt Renzo over stupid, unfounded jealousy.

Renzo's frown of confusion turned to one of realization and he looked back at me. I hated the pity on his face. I hated it. Luckily, Cassie got to Renzo before Kane did, before I had to step in. She threw her arms around Renzo and he relaxed, nuzzling into her neck, a gesture that only made my heart ache more. I should be doing that right now with my mate but I couldn't. Kane stopped and watched the two of them carefully, his eyes flicking between me and them. Even if there was more to the stories than what I'd heard, it was clear his possessiveness was going to be an issue. As if there weren't enough already.

"I missed you," Renzo said, placing a kiss on Cassie's mark that had her blushing.

"It's been like two hours," Cassie giggled.

"Doesn't matter. I always miss my mate," he said, kissing her on the nose. "You should've seen Tess. She dominated that meeting," Renzo stated proudly.

"Really?" Cassie asked, her eyes lighting up as she looked over at me. "Then why do you look so upset?"

I opened my mouth to speak and another announcer came through the speakers, letting us know we had to be in our next meetings.

"Ugh, how many days does this thing last again?" Cassie asked.

"Two," Renzo said, wrinkling his nose.

"Did you find anything?" I asked, kicking back into Gamma gear and ignoring Kane's unfaltering gaze on me. No fucking time for this shit.

"Not yet but I've only spoken to a few people. Don't worry. I'll find something," Cassie said determinedly.

I sighed but nodded and Renzo placed a long kiss on Cassie's lips before letting her go. He turned and gestured to the door right next to us. "You were about to pass it," he explained. "That's why I stopped you. Weren't you listening when they split us into groups?"

"I must've missed it," I muttered, going past him and into the room.

I found our arranged seats quickly and plopped down more aggressively than I needed to. This room was smaller because the Elders were meeting with smaller groupings of packs to discuss pack business in more detail. This meeting was why I needed the stupid reports of finances, incidents and cover-ups, all that fun stuff that put Xander in a shitty mood when I forced him to actually do his paperwork. He hated paperwork. I couldn't blame him.

The Goddess must've really had it out for me because not only did she give me a mate I was so conflicted over but she also placed him directly across from me, again. It was worse this time because we were at a long, rectangular table and he was no longer faraway, separated by a round table. He was close enough to touch, close enough for his smell to cloud my thinking, close enough that his briefcase brushed against my bag on the table.

I reluctantly looked up at him and again, he was staring at me in confusion. As much as I was conflicted about him, it wasn't fair. I would have to say something. I couldn't just avoid him. It's no wonder he was confused after the way I behaved in the hallway and silently flirted with him during the meeting then abruptly wouldn't even look at him. I knew I had to confront the issue but I was afraid of what the result would be and I had too much on my plate to really focus and think it through.

Tess, Renzo said.

I snapped my head to the side and watched as he glanced between Kane and I, his face etched with concern.

He's your mate, he stated, his brows knitting together in concern.

I sighed and gave a curt nod. His eyes widened and he blew out a breath.

"Shit," he muttered quietly.

"Yeah," I answered, clasping my hands together.

I dared another look and Kane seemed even more confused, glancing between Renzo and I. His eyes narrowed on Renzo and his fists clenched. Renzo stiffened and held his hands up in surrender.

"I have mine already. Don't worry," Renzo said, scooting a little further away from me.

Kane's fist unclenched and he looked at me with a surprisingly soft expression. My heart fluttered at the same time my stomach flipped unpleasantly. How could I want him so much and also not want him at all?

"Tess," he said, leaning forward, getting close to me. Too close. "What's wrong?" He asked, his brows furrowing in concern.

No. Not now. I couldn't do this now. We already gained the attention of half the table and if it got back to Addie and Xander that this was my mate... I didn't even want to think about how Xander would react.

As far as I knew, they'd only seen each other twice but it was enough Xander couldn't stand Kane. If he found out Kane was my mate, right now when he was already so overwhelmed, I didn't want to know how he would handle it or what he would do. Knowing his overprotectiveness, he'd come down here right now, maybe even with Addie with him. I couldn't let Xander find out about this yet, not until I sorted it out. That's why when Kane leaned farther over the table, I shook my head and leaned back to get away from him and his intoxicating smell. He growled lowly when I moved away from him, his fists clenching again. Yeah, our confrontation was not going to go well.

"Let's get started," one of the Elder's said, taking his seat at the end of the table. "I'm Elder Bradley. Pass down the financial reports and then we'll move on to instances."

I pulled out our financial report and handed it down, passing down the others and very pointedly keeping my gaze on the Elder and away from Kane. He was getting frustrated with me, I could tell. But what could I do? The situation was too complicated and I wasn't about to get into it with him in front of everyone. The gossipers would run rampant and it would get back to Xander in a heartbeat, maybe even before I had the chance to tell him. That would only make the situation worse, if he heard from someone that wasn't me. I just had to focus on the meeting and hope Kane would not start anything with me until we had a moment to be alone.

Pack leaders took turns going down the line, talking about their populations, rogue attacks, close calls with humans, packs taking over, new leaders taking over- things that rocked the boat and sometimes caused problems. I tried to listen and focus since this was the one forum we were allowed to offer advice and the leaders were supposed to swallow their pride and take it. It obviously had to be respectful suggestions, nothing rude, but it was still difficult for pack leaders to take criticism. No one liked being told how to run their pack.

Two leaders spoke before I felt more than Kane's gaze. His foot brushed against mine, causing me to stiffen. Then it was more than a brush. He was nudging me. Trying to get my attention. I knew why. As mates, we should be looking at each other. It was the only thing that would keep us both calm until we could be together. But I couldn't look at him. And what hurt worse was I wasn't sure I could even be with him.

Our turn came and I sat up straighter, clearing my throat so my voice would be nice and loud even though at that moment I felt incredibly small.

"Population has no significant change from last year," I recited, hoping I could make it through without having to look at the report. I wanted them to know I could handle being here. "Rogue attacks have increased but it's nothing we can't handle. Since we were last present, our pack now has a Luna as well as Alpha Xander. Luna Adira, a human, but one that is not to be taken lightly. Luna Adira is an active part of our hunts and meetings, she may be human but she doesn't shy away from the hard stuff so there's no concern there. She's an excellent Luna and thanks to her, we have stronger allies than we did before. I believe other packs have announced our alliances in previous meetings so the only new one I have to report is with the Dark Howlers in Idaho, who signed an alliance with us three months ago. We've had no close calls with humans, one attempt at a pack overthrow by the deceased Alpha Rego, formerly the Alpha of the Dark Moon Pack. One incident with deceased Alpha Damon. I have the full reports with all the details here and they were submitted to the Elders shortly after the incidents about two years ago," I explained, holding up the papers before passing it down towards Elder Timothy. "Rego's former pack has adjusted well into ours with only a few minor incidents that have been dealt with and a few that went rogue and we haven't heard from again. Their names are listed on this report," I said, passing down another piece of paper. "No challenges made to our Alpha or Luna for their position. No other significant incidences to report."

"Thank you, Gamma Tess," the Elder said, accepting the papers and glancing around the table. "Any questions or concerns for Blackstone Pack before we move on?"

I held my breath but the room remained silent and he moved on. My shoulders relaxed and I dropped my eyes to the table. At least that part was over.

Good job, Renzo said, offering a smile.

I smiled back weakly and nodded. Then I couldn't help it. I looked up at my mate. I was pretty sure Kane hadn't looked away from me, not once. His eyes searched mine, his frown deepening. It hurt to hurt him. I had to hold in the whimper and resist the urge to reach across the table and take his hands. He made that even harder when his hands moved across the table, palms up. He looked at me expectantly but I couldn't. Someone would notice. Not to mention the news of his activity flashed in my mind, the bloody messes he left behind, the people he killed, didn't I even read that there were children involved in some of those killings? Why the hell would the Goddess put us together? We were nothing alike.

Kane's foot kicked against mine and when I looked up again I inhaled sharply. He wasn't messing around anymore. He was giving me his Alpha stare, the one that dared me to defy him. Lesser wolves might've cracked under that stare and admittedly, my instinct was to bow my head or expose my neck but I wouldn't let him break me. He needed to know I couldn't be controlled. The fact he was even trying that shit on me only made me more pissed off at him. How dare he try to force me into submission like this? It didn't help with me hoping there was something more to the stories, it made me wonder if it would be like what I was afraid of. Trust him enough to get close only so he could hurt me. He shouldn't even be trying that shit on me, not if he really respected me.

I fought against my instincts to submit and met his gaze head on. He didn't seem sure what to do with that. For a moment, a proud smile came over his face, but irritation took over just as quickly. Guess I wasn't the only one conflicted.

"Blood Moon Pack?"

Kane finally broke our gaze as he glanced to the Elder, clearing his throat just as I had. "Population increase by ten percent from the last meeting. Rogues don't dare come near my territory. I'm still the only pack leader. For now," he said, his eyes flicking to mine.

That look he gave me told me he intended to take me back to his pack. Possibly whether I liked it or not. He was in for a rude awakening.

"No alliances," he continued. "No close calls with humans. No attempts at an overthrow. We took control of Pale Moon Pack and Lockheart Pack over the last year. No issues. None turned rogue. The previous pack leaders and their Betas, Gammas and most Deltas were executed. Report coming," he said, nodding to the man next to him.

The man withdrew a report and handed it down. I narrowed my eyes. Everything I heard about Pale Moon and Lockheart, was that they were both mild packs, practically hippies. They rarely got involved with anything, mostly stuck to themselves and were quiet packs that never started fights. Why did he feel the need to take over everyone?

"No challenges to my position," he finished, bringing his eyes back to mine.

"Alpha Kane, this-" the Elder started but Kane's eyes snapped to the Elder and that Alpha stare was even more intense. The Elder backed down immediately, not even bothering to try to hide it. "Very well," Bradley sighed, frowning as he received the report. "Any questions or concerns for the Blood Moon Pack?"

Someone down the table from me started to open their mouth and Kane turned his gaze to that leader, giving them the same intimidating stare that he gave the Elder. The fact that a pack leader broke eye contact and didn't even stand up to that challenge was concerning.

The room was too scared to speak. That was evident. The entire air changed when Kane started speaking and it was abundantly clear he wasn't used to anyone standing up to him. His presence was intimidating but this was ridiculous. An Alpha that was never challenged was a dangerous Alpha. His ego needed to take a hit.

I told myself to let it go. I couldn't start a fight with one of the strongest Alphas in the world, especially not when my pack leaders were vulnerable. So I took a deep breath and said nothing until I heard him whisper to the man I could only assume was one of his Betas based on the connection I felt to him.

"They're too chicken shit to say anything," he whispered, staring at the Elder smugly. "No one's going to say anything to me. Fucking cowards."

Oh, fuck no.

"I have a concern," I said, sitting up straighter.

"Oh no," Renzo said, setting his head in his hands.

Kane's furious eyes came to mine and his whole body tensed. Too fucking bad. He needed to be taken down a notch.

A/N:

Hi my loves, let me know what you thought of this chapter ❤

We are over 40 chapters into this book on Patreon ❤

This... Is late. I am sorry. It's been 14 weeks since I lost my brother, and on top of that I finally got a house so I can get his dogs. Problem is the fence is NOT tall enough so I need to fix that, but there were also quite a few renovations we wanted to do on the house, and we're doing them all ourselves. It's good, it's fine, it's just I spent 14 hours straight tearing off wood paneling, replacing drywall, repairing drywall, fixing cracks in the ceiling, and much much more. I mean, I got like a billion steps but now I am tired which is why the questions will be short today. I'm literally posting this as I lay in bed because I almost went to sleep then remembered I didn't update, so, I'll probably be out a few minutes after I finish this 😂

Oooof, Tess is feeling conflicted over this knowledge of Kane, thoughts?

Kane got a possessive side... 

Tess is feeling overwhelmed with this new knowledge and her pack back home suffering, what do you think will happen?

Eee... Kane lit the fuse to Tess's trigger and now she about to voice her concerns in front of everyone... Are we nervous?

Is Renzo saying "oh no" the reaction we all kinda had when Tess said she had a concern?

How do you think Kane will take this?

All right angels, take care ❤