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evangeline blackwood

"Hey, big brother." I run my fingers along the marble, before grabbing the folded blanket in my bag and lay it along the grass so I can sit down.

"I know you'll be up there causing hell, realising why I loved Morgs so much." I chuckle, knowing wholeheartedly that they'll already be best friends "I miss you both so fucking much, but heaven is so lucky to have you."

The wind tickles my neck and I shiver, swallowing down the lump in my throat. "A lot of shit has happened and...and I'm scared. All the time. That it'll happen again, that I'll lose Atlas once he's grown, that Adonis will never forgive me. I don't know what to do."

"Michael's finally been locked up, I just hope that you and Morgs get the justice you both deserve. I hope he rots for what he did." I take a deep, shallow breath. My eyes watered. "Logan...He hurt me. A part of me knows it wasn't him, not really. But he still did it, he still-" I trail off. "Jonah, I can't have kids."

It stings at finally saying the words aloud. My heart aches as it hammers against my chest and I swear I feel the bile rise in my throat but I fight it off. I needed to tell someone, anyone.

And if Jonah was still alive, he'd be the one I'd speak to.

"I mean, I know I had a chance before the stabbing, even though the endometriosis would make it difficult. I still had a chance to have them. But when Logan did that to me, the knife broke and because of how low it was, the doctors said the damage done to my womb was too severe for a baby to ever grow." I sniffle, playing with a single daisy that lay next to the picture of my brother. "I know I didn't want kids, but that was my choice. I controlled what happened, I controlled whether I had them or not. That was mine. And they took that choice away from me."

I wipe my eyes, my other hand coming to rest on my stomach. "I always had this dream of having a little girl with the brightest blue eyes ever and the most beautiful black hair- Jordan Jonah or JJ for short. And I didn't want to deal with the false hope so I ignored it, deciding that I'd just remove any chance of it happening to save myself any unnecessary pain. I'm never going to be able to have that, because of him. I don't get it...I've tried and tried but I don't understand. He was my best mate, my brother. And he fucking switched on me like I meant nothing."

"I know you'd be raging if you was down here and I really fucking need you, man." I read over the inscription.

His worth can never be told.

One more second, Jo, that's all I need. I just want to wrap my arms around you for one last time.

*_*_*_*_*

As I walked home, my mind feels strangely at ease. It's never the same as him being physically here but speaking to Jonah always seems to soothe a part of my mind.

But as I cross the road from the Ice Cream Parlour, I notice a figure from the corner of my eyes and I tear my gaze away as quick as possible.

"Blackwood!"

I flinch back as he shouts to me, ignoring the way my skin crawls as Julian Parks jogs over to me.

"Not now Julian, I beg." I shake my head, inhaling deeply in order to stop any tears threatening to overload my eyes.

"How are you?"

My jaw drops. "What?"

"How are you doing?" He repeats, shocking me further

"What do you want, Julian?" I cut to the chase, crossing my arms over my chest.

"You haven't seen Donnie, have you?"

I frown, "What's that got to do with you?"

"Nothing but, after all this, you both need each other more than ever. Relationships don't work unless communication is prioritised."

"Are you actually trying to give me relationship advice?" I scoff, "There's nothing between me and Dee anyway."

"Yeah, that's bullshit." Julian chuckles dryly, "He looks at you the exact same way that I did..that I do."

"What'd you mean?" I frown from the crack in his voice, I don't want to hear this.

"He looks at you like you're everything, his entire universe, like there's no other girl who can possibly be enough for him."

I feel my throat close up.

"You look at him the exact same way."

"I used to look at you in that way. How did that turn out?"

"We weren't made for each other." He said. "We weren't meant to love each other."

"Maybe not." I force out, ignoring the familiar feeling of tears pricking my eyes.

"We did though, didn't we?" I ignore the slight hint of desperation in his tone, as if he was begging for me to answer him correctly. "Love each other?"

"Yeah." I swallow the lump in my throat. "Once upon a time."

"But I'm not like Donnie." He says it more like a statement and this sense of acceptance is so strong in his words that I almost reel back. There's no way that he would've still cared about me after all that happened between us.

Is there?

"He makes me feel different." I say hesitantly, crossing my arms around my waist.

Comfortable. Happy.

Safe.

"He's good for you. I'm glad that you're happy now." And then he smiles.

The thing about Julian that I fell for was his gentle side. He was always so arrogant and angry towards everybody but me, and that's what I liked. I liked being the person he shared his smiles with, or who he'd laugh with until the morning sun came up.

But when he started to switch between them sides with me, I didn't want to do it anymore. The spark that he ignited in me distinguished. He was there for me when Jonah died and I'll always be thankful, but I can't forget how small and scared he made me feel.

"Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if you had the baby?"

"No." I replied without hesitation, "I was a kid, we were kids. I could barely look after myself, Julian, I still can't."

"We would've made top parents though, I honestly believe that." He sighs.

"I didn't deserve what you did to me. I didn't deserve any of it."

"I know."

"No, you don't." I finally find the courage to meet his gaze. "I never believed you were a bad person but I watched you beat down kids, either physically or mentally or both, until they were...messed up. That shit, to me, ain't no different to what Michael and his gang did. What you did to me was nothing compared to me having to see you do that and not being able to do anything." I wipe my eyes. "I trusted you with everything and you just threw it back at me. I didn't want a baby and suddenly that made me a bad person? And I actually believed the shit you said to me, actually thought you was right. You wasn't. I made a decision on what was best for me. All I ever did was love you and you treated me like shit and I forgive you. I forgive you for it all, but I'm never going to forget it. And I'm not forgiving you to make you feel better or because you seem guilty, I'm doing it for me. You could die tomorrow, or I could, or Adonis, or anyone. I don't want to waste my time hating you."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. But it doesn't change anything. You made your decision so now you can live with it. But this," I gesture between me and him. "..this rivalry is over. You do you and I'll do me. But if I see you touch or say anything to anyone else again without solid justification I'm going to beat the dog shit out of you."

He nods.

And then he kisses me.

But his lips are gone almost as soon as they touched and I push him further back from me.

"What the fuck."

"Likkle muore*" He nods his head, the corner of his lip turning up slightly as he walks away.

I can't get him out my head as I eventually make it to my home. Julian fucking Parks has treated me like a dickhead for years and now suddenly was being nice to me and had a personality transplant?

I don't buy it.

Regardless, I ignore my parents and Atlas as I go upstairs and into my room.

Unfortunately for me, there's someone already there waiting for me.

Apollo Walker is lay on my bed with photographs scattered around him. It was the ones I took down following Logan's arrest and Morgan's murder.

I know its a clear invasion of privacy but I can't find it in myself to be mad about that specifically.

It's the first time I've seen him properly since the party where he was beaten. I saw him at the memorial but we weren't in close proximity at any time, we didn't truly see each other.

He's wearing a long sleeved turtleneck, which I've never seen on him before. He's always been that boy who either wore a leather jacket or a short sleeved top, I've never seen him in a hoodie or a long sleeved before.

I don't want to think that his attack has caused him to change so drastically.

But he's been attacked twice.

That must've fucked him up beyond compare, regardless of any shit he's previously been through.

I was stabbed for mouthing off, being too argumentative or whatever. I've never forgot that night, that moment. I see it when I close my eyes and it fucking ruins me that my best friend was responsible and it was for basically nothing. Meaningless.

Apollo was attacked for two very distinct reasons. He was stabbed and beaten for defending me, for trying to get vengeance for what was done. He witnessed some of Morgan's last moments. He fought against the same people who barely even a week before were hurting him. That first attack, that first ever hate crime.

I didn't need to be gay to know that its not something that one ever forgets.

You know what I mean? I'm black. People have been racist towards me but never physically. Yet I still remember every single word ever muttered to me about the colour of my skin.

Apollo was battered by his boyfriend. Called a faggot, dirty, disgusting. Just for doing what everyone else does everyday.

Genuinely, I don't believe anyone that I know understands how I feel. But Apollo.

He does.

"I'm happy to see you, Evan." Apollo starts quietly, not looking up from the photos. "Ashanti said that you wouldn't leave your room."

"Don't talk to her about me." I replied stiffly, keeping my eyes trained on the bed rather than him. "In fact, don't discuss me with anyone."

No matter what fucked up 'connection' we now have, I can't do this, I can't speak to him like everything is normal.

"I'm worried about you, E. All this...it's too much."

"Yeah, well it ain't only me that's going through it. I'm sick of everyone babying me, you had shit too." I remind him, but I can literally see him physically force himself to withhold a flinch.

"God. You're so much like Donnie." He scoffs, and continues upon my glare. "He won't let anyone in either. He's snappy, won't talk about anything. It ain't about who's been through what because, at the end of the day, we're all going to feel however we feel."

"If I wanted a Dr Phil session, I would've booked one." I snark, but I moved to sit on my desk chair.

"You miss him too, don't you? Just as much as me." He replies back with a much softer tone. He picks up one of the photographs but I don't bother to check which one.

"Who?"

"Both of them, I guess. I dunno." He hesitates, "I don't really want to miss Logan, but I do."

"I miss him too." I admit. "Do you regret it?"

"Being with him?"

I nod my head.

"I told you he was my first time, pretty much my first everything. I miss him and all this pain he's caused is unbearable." Apollo takes a deep breath, "I'll never regret the time we spent together though. I'll never regret how his presence brought me comfort, or how I just wanted to be with him day and night. I'll never regret the lessons he's taught me or the experiences we had together. I know it's a new level of fucked up but I can't find it in myself to hate him and I want to. He hurt you, E, and you're one of my best friends. But that guy who did that to you and me was not the same one that I fell for, I really believe that. So no, I don't regret it."

"That wasn't the same boy." I agree, "But people change."

He shakes his head, "He told me about his dad and how he'd be nothing without you. He wouldn't have switched up like that without reason."

"I'm not bothered what the reason was, Apollo. I know it sounds sly but Morgan's dead ...I'm never going to be able to have kids. Logan dug that knife in me so far and so hard that my body won't ever be able to have a baby. All those good memories I've got with him are now just tainted with that one moment, that I'm scared I'll never be able to forget. And you should feel this more than me. They targeted you for who you are. Logan beat you for caring about him, loving him."

"You know what hurts more than all of that? Logan cheating on me? Getting battered for being gay? Being stabbed?" This time, it's me shaking my head. "The fact that I used to tell myself the same things that they said to me. I told myself that I was wrong, a disappointment, disgusting. I hated myself and for what? What did I achieve from doing that but hurting myself further? Logan might have hurt us but he taught us both things about ourselves as well."

"Morgan's dead, 'Lo. Forgiving or justifying Logan's actions won't change that."

"He wrote us death letters."

"What?"

"Police went through his phone and found a note saying for Donnie to go into his room and go into his 'private' box that he'd never let us near. So he did, and he found letters."

I stay silent.

"There was this generic one explaining that these letters had to be delivered if he ever died, it was like a part of him knew." His voice cracks on the last word, as if the idea that Morgan was scared of possibly dying was the worst thing that Apollo could possibly imagine.

And I knew why.

That fear...that pain, it never leaves you. It's just there all the time.

It's petrifying.

Not knowing if you're going to live or die, if you'll end up in a morgue before the days over with. You know, we're just kids. We shouldn't be scared of this shit.

But we are. And it's wrong.

"Maybe it was just a precaution? Because of the risk?"

"Donnie wouldn't open any of them. So I did. I opened mine and the one addressed to 'anyone willing to seek justice'." His jaw locks, "It was a written statement, with his signature and everything, explaining everything that he's witnessed from those people. The deaths he knew of, the beatings he'd witnessed. And at the end, it said that there was one more person who could verify most of the deaths, confirm the culprit's guilt."

I know his next words before he says them.

"You." He says quietly, "Morgan wrote that you saw your brother die and never spoke out about it. Spoke about your conversations and your trauma and how he witnessed it first hand."

"What?" I barely manage to get the words out, shell-shocked isn't the word.

"He wants you to get justice for your brother." Apollo handed me an envelope, "This is yours."

When I make no efforts to take the envelope, he lays it on the bed. "Eva-"

"You didn't fight back, why?"

"What?"

"When Logan did that to you, you didn't fight back."

Apollo's staring right at me with moisture in his eyes.

"I..."

I sit next to him, both of us instantly clinging to one another.

"When I shut my eyes...I..." His voice shakes.

"Shush." I tell him, running my fingers gently up and down his spine. I can feel his tears sliding down my shoulder. I whisper to him, "I understand. I know."

He leans away from me for a moment, the shock of my admission, despite him knowing the truth, shocking him. His red eyes close slightly and his hands seem to grip me tighter.

"Evan..." He trails off, "Is it....Will it ever stop?"

"No." The word is out of my mouth before I can even think twice. But I can't find it in me to lie. "It doesn't stop...ever. It's like losing a limb. You can live without it and, with time, you get used to it, but there's always a part of you missing. Physical and mental. Like...Say you went to grab something and then suddenly realise and remember that you haven't got an arm to grab it with. You forget sometimes, even just for a second. But something else always drags you back into the moment and then you're reminded all over again. The nightmares fade, get repetitive. It doesn't really stop hurting though. Not ever."

Confession: I wish it was me.

--

*Goodbye