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evangeline blackwood

Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another that we keep hidden inside.

My Mum's have finally seen the other side of me that I wanted to remain hidden until my body was six feet under.

And I don't know how to feel about that.

"Everyday I witness your strength and your courage, all of which I'm certain came from your mothers." My dad runs his fingers through my hair, kissing my forehead.

"I wish he was still here."

"So do I, more than you or he will ever know."

And now my Mum was doing the exact same thing. Her brown eyes are consumed with unshed tears and she's staring at me with so much agony and pain and hopelessness and I know she's thanking whatever is up there that I'm still here but now she knows the other side of the story, now she knows about a part of myself that I never wanted to be like.

"You was named Evangeline for a reason, you know?" She smiles slightly at the memory, her eyes crinkling as her lips tug up. "Jonah: Dove. My first baby, my first boy. A true symbol for the love I held for my wife and my child, the peace I get when I'm with all of you. Evangeline, bearer of good news. We always wanted more kids after Jonah and around the time you were born, I'd been clean for a long time and your Mum got her job and everything was amazing. Your birth only furthered that. And then Atlas, endure. Shit was hard, despite it being good. No matter what happens to me, Cami and your dad, we endure for our kids. Because, believe it or not, there is nothing more important in our lives than you. Serenity, goodwill and endurance. I know you feel like you're losing yourself, baby girl, but keep fighting and enduring and I promise it'll all work out."

"How can you say that...after Jonah? Nothing's good anymore, Mum." I tear my eyes away, already feeling a lump forming in my throat.

I hate being weak

Her lips are shaking and I know she's holding herself back and it's killing me.. "Your brother died that night for whatever reason the universe chose. Maybe it was him instead of someone else, maybe it was just him fulfilling his purpose. We're all here for a reason and I think we leave when that reasons fulfilled."

He's dead. That's it.

He's dead and he isn't coming back. It wasn't for any reason other than the universe fucking over our family.

How can she sit there and sprout that bullshit?

"I don't believe that, Mum. I can't."

"I'm not asking you to. You can look at Jonah dying in your own way but thats mine. Your brother brought peace and love into my life and he left the moment that was secure. Your Mum has her own personal reasoning, as does your Dad, it's all about you, Darling." She cups my cheeks and kissed my forehead. "You wouldn't be the amazing and strong girl that I see today without that happening. It toughened you up, made you a better sister to Atlas."

"Mum, I was a child. I didn't need to be strong, I needed to be safe."

"Evan-"

"No. I get where you're coming from, trust me I do. But I'd rather be soft and a low key shitty sister then have to feel like this." I don't mean to sound angry but I can't stop it. "He was 18, Mum! I had to bury my brother at 14. Yeah, it ruined me. Yeah, I'm stronger now. But I'd rather have my brother, I'd rather have him here with me. I deserved to be safe and protected. I didn't want to be a 'strong or mature girl'. I just wanted to be a kid." Swallowing the lump in my throat, our eyes meet once again and I can feel my heart shattering as my voice breaks. "I miss him."

The confusion in her irises shows me that she doesn't know exactly who I'm talking about. But, at that moment, it doesn't matter. I miss all of them; Logan, Jonah and Morgan.

People talk about the world ending when people die. But what about the world's that end while we are still alive?

——

The ice cream parlour is packed with people. I can feel my Mums shuffle closer to me as we walk through and find one stray empty table.

They go and order some food and come back with 3 tubs of Cookies n Cream.

"It's all they have." She shrugged as she places it on the table before they both slide on the chairs opposite me.

Of course it is.

It's all Morgan liked.

I've never been to a memorial. I went to Jonah's funeral but my parents tried to make it more about the positives than the negatives.

Memories are about reminiscing, right?

I just feel trapped and I don't want to remember.

There's large, framed photographs all over the stage. Ones of Morgan, ones of him with Adonis and our group photos.

He looks so happy, so innocent.

Out of everyone, why him? Why someone who had gold running through his veins? With nothing but goodness in his heart?

I don't understand, I doubt I'll ever understand.

My skin is crawling and I can physically fucking feel everyone staring at me. This is the first time I've been out in a public place and anxiety creeps into my chest and suffocates me with this overwhelming paranoia that someone is going to run into the room and cause havoc. People can see me and it's like I'm naked, transparent. Everyone can see my pain and misery and they all feel sorry for me and I hate it. Pitiful stares and tiptoed words. I never wanted this.

Without even a moment's notice, the entire parlour is silenced and everyone's attention is directed towards the front.

Adonis Walker stands on the fake stage, and I swear everyone's eyes just focus solely on him. He grips a piece of paper in his right hand before shoving it in his jean pocket and taking a deep breath.

He looks tired. Bags that I've never seen before on him are staining his unusually pale skin. He looks smaller, maybe it's just me. Black clothes, untidy hair.

Grief has a look.

"I er..I didn't know whether I was going to do this." He pauses, not speaking until his stare was fixed upon the photograph of him and Morgan that lay across the counter. "Morgan was..is...my brother, my best mate. I didn't go to the funeral but I went to see him before he was buried and he was just lay on a table, like he was sleeping. I just kept thinking, he's just going to jump up in a minute and tell me it was all a wind up and he was just pissing about. It took awhile for me to fully comprehend the fact that he was gone." I see him fighting to suppress the tears, I wipe my own quickly so they don't smudge my makeup.

"It's bullshit that you're gone, Morgs. I really miss you. I hate this. You were the best thing to ever have happened to me." His voice cracks, "I know some of you are aware of why we went out that night, but if you don't mind I'm going to talk about that. Morgan loved his family, which was us. He died doing the thing that he always loved to do, fighting for and defending the ones he truly cared for and loved. That's the Morgan I'll always remember. The one who was by my side when my little sister died, the one who always had a joke to tell me when I felt like shit, the smartest kid I've ever met, the one who screamed how much he loved me whenever he was drunk. I fucking miss you so much, brother. And I know you're probably down there having the time of your life and screaming at me to stop being soft but I can't help it." He chuckles slightly, "I don't want to live in a world without you, you idiot. I don't know how to."

The tears that greet my cheeks are no match to Adonis'. His blue eyes look so futile when partnered with the shimmering wetness of the teardrops. It breaks everything left within me- the parts that I didn't even know were still whole.

Apollo walks up to him, laying his head onto his twins shoulder. He's crying too.

Dee puts his arms around him, "We've been in this exact position before. When Morgan spoke to some social workers in Year 6, talking about his dad and they sent him back home. We were so scared, the safeguarding people in school couldn't calm us down. And then Morgs left and everything was so bad for such a long time. I missed him so much, we all did. Despite all the things that have happened, moving to London remains to be one of the best things we've ever done. I made memories with Morgan that I'll never forget and his legacy will live on forever."

Rest in peace, Morgan.

My chest aches, my stomach tightening. Each of my Mum's hold each of my arms and it's the only thing keeping me from staying upright. This sudden, clawing sensation hits my stomach and I grit my teeth.

My eyes shoot up and the electric blue meets my warm brown.

And I do everything I can to stop myself breaking.

"I'm going outside." I mutter, grabbing my phone and moving through the crowd until I'm safely away from the barricade of people..

My throat is blocked and I whimper the moment I'm away from everyone.

Breathe in and out.

In and out.

I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm calm.

Why hasn't it stopped hurting?

It's just in my head, all the fucking time. I can't do it anymore.

If it isn't Jonah, it's Morgan. If it isn't Morgan, it's Jonah.

If it's none of them, it's Logan.

Logan did the job that Jonah never had the opportunity to. He was there for me, looked after me.

He was my brother.

And he hurt me.

And now I can't do anything without them being there. I can't wait down my street, I can't go near my college.

I can't be me. And it's ruining me.

It's just there, constantly. I hate feeling like this, like it's never ever going to get better.

I've fallen into this abyss that I can't see a way out of, I can't find my way out of the labyrinth if I don't even know where I am or why.

It just keeps coming back to me. Hitting me randomly

How am I supposed to live with the fact that I survived and they didn't?

Everyone around me is trying to fix me. Telling me this is going to get easier, time will heal it all.

Sometimes, you can't tell someone it's going to get better. You can't expect them to listen.

Sometimes, you need to let people fall.

Confession: I keep having to remind myself that my body is not a panic room.