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evangeline blackwood

Since the night my brother was ripped so cruelly from the world, I had grown painfully used to hearing people cry. The sharp sound of secret and muffled sobbing wasn't a foreign thing to hear in my home. My Mum would sit in the living room at ungodly hours, thinking that I'd been asleep, crying to songs that she used to sing to us when we were kids. Atlas cries when he has nightmares, but since his 8th birthday he refuses to crawl into my bed because he doesn't want anyone to see him sad. Jace comes into my room nearly every night, her own quiet muffles halting once she realises that I'm still breathing.

I never cried at the beginning. That side of things didn't come into play until a few years later. At first it started with the nightmares, then the entire inability and fear to sleep.

Then the panic attacks started. The crying. The breathlessness. Mainly at night but sometimes, when I get bad again, they start to occur during the day.

It got bad again tonight. These were the nights where I'd phone Morgan, despite the everlasting guilt that followed at burdening him. But he was always there for me, always spoke me through it until my panic ceased.

Going to make myself a drink, I hear someone shuffling in the living room.

"Mum?"

Jacelynn wipes her eyes with her sleeves, holding a mug in her other hand. She gestures her head silently for me to sit next to her and I do so without argument.

"How do you do it, Baby Girl?" She asks lowly, sniffling.

"Do what?"

"How didn't it send you under completely? The shit you saw...I had no idea. Truly. And now with Morgan and Logan, I..." She trails off.

I don't like keeping secrets. I never have. Jonah always used to say I was so horrible at it. Like one time when I was 5, I apparently told him I didn't eat his chocolate even though it was in my hand.

"Everyone falls apart in different ways." I reply simply.

Silence stretched between us as her heavy breathing consumed the room.

"I don't know how to fall apart without ending up back where I started." Mum says quietly. My jaw falls open slightly at the blunt and honest confession.

She never shied away from talking about her addiction, but she definitely didn't talk about the situations that triggered and caused it.

"One day at a time. One hour, one minute, one second."

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I want to scream and cry. I want to hit something. I want to feel someone other than this ache in my body, like someone isn't there anymore.

I want Morgan.

I want to see him, hear him laugh like there's no tomorrow, feel his presence near me. I want to see his smile and I want him to tell me how much our friendship means to him and I want him to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

"Evan?"

Every part of my body is cold, like I've just jumped into the ocean and the icy water has just surrounded me.

All I could hear is this roaring sound ringing in my ears. I'm going to pass out, my head hurts.

Is this what grief is? Sudden and uncontrollable pain?

I want my brother. I need my brother.

I thought you could feel death. I could've sworn I felt a sharp pain in my chest when Jonah's own was mutilated.

I didn't feel it. Not until Ashanti said them words, confirmed it. That's when I felt a part of my soul fade away to wherever he is now.

People talk about soulmates as romantic partners. But I didn't find my soulmate in a partner. I found it in my best friend, my unbiological brother.

When people talk about souls being made of the same spirit, that was Morgan and I.

We were the same; We fit together.

I hope that the part of me that's gone will find him. I hope it brings him some peace. I hope he's happy now, safe.

How do I live without him?

I want blue eyes and scarred knuckles. I want twins and troubled nights.

I want Adonis and Apollo by my side. But it can't happen.

So much of my friendship with Morgan was based on him solely helping me. I can't do that to someone again, I can't ruin their lives with my shit.

About a month had passed since I returned home and I hadn't left my room for a while.

"I feel sick." I shout at my Mum, who is stood outside my door. I locked it from my end and they weren't about to kick it down. "I've got was Atlas had."

"Atlas faked it to stay off school. You're doing the same." She shouts back, knocking on the door. "Come on, E. You need to leave the house at some point."

"I'm not leaving. Me telling you that I'm extremely ill is my polite way of saying get to fuck." I shout back, checking that my phone was switched off so she couldn't send me a whirlwind of abusive texts.

Again.

To my utter surprise, she leaves me alone. Only slipping a letter through the bottom gap of my door.

I'm actually losing my mind.

Every part of my body hurts. Every breath without them hurts. How could I return back to college without seeing his annoying face everyday? How could I ever go to the park? Eat cookies n cream ice cream?

It was unbearable living in a place when my brother and my best friend didn't exist.

As bad as it sounds, I don't think Jonah's death fully hit me because I could only show that pain truly in front of one person and that person became like a replacement.

Morgan became my brother.

My entire world is falling apart. Everything I once knew, everything I was certain of. I wasn't okay. I finally understood why Morgan always seemed so worried.

I'm so fucking broken. Is it normal to feel like this all the time? Is it normal to have random panic attacks triggered by practically nothing? Cry yourself to sleep every night?

Is it normal to want everything to just end, despite the fact you know it'll ruin everybody around you if you did anything?

A tear escapes my eye and my throat closes up.

I need to sort myself out. I can't live like this anymore.

I just needed to ignore it. Pretend like everything was normal, right? That's the best way.

Pulling myself out of bed, I groan to myself as I get in the shower. My stomach itches, giving me the perfect reason to inspect it in the bathroom mirror.

It was a harsh cut from a blunt knife. I'd not fully looked at it, not really finding the strength to acknowledge the fact that I'd never be able to forget any of this.

It was written on my skin, marring it with the constant reminder of the betrayal and pain that I endured.

I've read somewhere that it takes 2 weeks for all your outer skin cells to be replaced. That means my skin doesn't remember Logan or Michael's touch. But I've also read that it takes 7 years for the cells in my entire body to be destroyed and replaced with new cells.

I find that oddly comforting. That one day I'll have a body that they've never touched.

"Fuck." I mutter, yanking my clothes on quickly. I take a deep breath and grab my bag. "I'm fine. C'mon, I'm stronger than this." I straighten my hair out in the mirror. "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay." I breathe in, blinking back the sharp sting in my eyes. "I'm fine." I whisper to myself, leaving the bathroom.

I pick up the letter, almost dropping it again once I recognise the writing as Logan's. My heart races, sweat begins to form on my forehead.

Despite all the thoughts going through my head, I rip it open and stare at the words.

Evangeline,

I don't even know how to begin this. I'm sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.

I never intended on breaking my promises.

I know this is too much, Evan. But please. Tell Apollo I'm sorry, that I'll hate myself forever for what I've done to him.

I said a lot of shit I didn't mean. Told him the exact same things that he told me he used to tell himself. Went against everything I believe in. And he just stood there, once he was done shouting at me. And Michael just laughed at him, I laughed at him. And he just stood there. With his hands behind his back. He didn't fight back when we beat him, didn't lift a hand.

The police told me about Morgan and Apollo getting stabbed. I cannot begin to describe how much the thought of it all hurts, and I know that whatever pain I'm feeling is nothing in comparison to yours.

You loved me eternally and I'll always regret giving up on our friendship.

I've pleaded guilty. But no amount of time could give you justice.

I wish you and your family the best, Evan.

All my love, always and forever.

Logan.

My throat closes up as my tears begin to stain the paper, making the ink smudge.

Pulling my phone out, I dial the first number I find.

The first thing I hear is Ashanti's heavy breathing, telling me that she's crying too. "You got one as well, didn't you?"

"Yeah." I manage to say through my panicked panting.

"I didn't tell you this but I spoke to them all before they went out to find Michael." Her words come out quiet, "I tried to stop them, I swear I did.But he just said to me 'Motherfucker came at my sister. I'm going to make sure it never happens again'"

"Sister?" I swallow down the lump in my throat and ignore how my skin itches.

"He saw you as family, E. They went out knowing what could happen." My stomach flutters at her words but my internal conflict suppresses any feelings of comfort. "Mo stabbed Apollo and he went down first. He kinda freaked out after that, but Donnie went at him for touching his brother and fucking battered him. Mo gave as good as he got. It was Michael who got Morgan. Morgs went out after Michael, that's who he wanted. I just hope he gets life."

"Doubt it." I exhale deeply, blinking away the water in my eyes. "Country's fucked."

"Kids killing kids, man. World's fucked it." She shakes her head, "It's so fucking wrong."

"I don't know how to feel about this letter." I admit.

"Same." She replies, "I can't forgive him, E. I nearly lost you because of him."

"I know." Because I do. I know that my death would've caused a heartache that no therapy could replace.

That's the only reason I'm still here. The only thing keeping me going.

That, and I couldn't leave Atlas alone.

"I'm going to call you later."

"In a bit, E."

She hangs up and I'm left alone again, gripping the paper.

I find the courage to go downstairs. Promising myself that I can't prevent these talks anymore.

"Can we...can we talk about that night? When I found you?"

I know what Jace is talking about instantly.

"Mum-"

"Please, Ev. We never spoke about it properly, I need to know." She begs.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I force the words out. "I..It just was too much."

"And it was because of what you saw?" She pushes and I can't find it in my heart to lie to her anymore.

"Not just that." I admit, "I had an abortion when I was 15. I broke up with Julian after he hit me on two separate occasions and I got pregnant. I told him that I'd got rid of it and he spent all the time of High school and even college, reminding me and taunting me of all sorts of things. That and Jonah just built up until it just crashed."

"I never knew." She mumbled softly, "I had suspicions that you were hiding things but never that. I never imagined that you were hurting so severely, so severely that you tried to kill yourself on purpose. I thought it was an accident."

"Why did you bother me so much about it? Therapy? I just..I don't get it." My words are quiet but I know she can hear me. "Because of that?"

She keeps her distance. Not quite looking at me but not quite looking away either. "Before I met Cami, things were hard. I guess it's why we've always been strict on spending time with you and making sure you get enough time with your dad. I never had that and it hurt me for so long. It helped me when I was younger and it helped me when we lost Jonah. Having kids is something so precious, I can't even begin to describe it. We watched you take your first breath and every other since then. All I've ever wanted it for you to be okay."

Her lips tug up slightly, buts it appears more sad and gentle than anything else. "You know, we never told you this but when you were a baby, Jonah would never let go of you. He always wanted to hold you and play with you and there was a day when we weren't looking and he dropped you. You were about a year old but you hit your head really hard and passed out, Jonah couldn't stop crying. He must've remembered it happening because he mentioned it to me once or twice. You were in the hospital for about a week, just so they could check up on you. It was one of the worst days of my life, almost seeing my perfect, little girl take her last breath."

How's this anything to do with me going to therapy?

She seems to notice the confusion in my eyes and continues. "We all changed the night we lost Jonah and I didn't know just how much it affected you. You just hid it and it killed me because I didn't know how to help you. I just thought that it'd fix you the way it 'fixed' me. I was stupid and demanding and I pushed you away and then we nearly lost you." She swallows, inhaling and exhaling deeply. "We got called to the hospital with Jonah and we got called to the hospital with you. None of us had any idea what we would walk into and I thank God everyday that you are still breathing. I love you so much, my little Evangeline Tallulah. You're my baby girl, my miracle." She pauses, "Can I hold you?"

I nod my head, her arms wrap around me and I melt into her hold. I can't seem to stop the tears decorating my cheeks, my chest hurts so much. But with my Mum, I feel safe. I always feel safe.

"I'm not you, Mum." I swallow the lump in my throat, "I don't need to be fixed, I'm not broken. I just need to live my life, cherish the fact that I'm still here with my family. If I live in this constant cycle of depression and misery, I'm just going to exist and I don't want to do that. But I can't go to therapy and try to suppress the pain I feel, I don't want to. Morgan and Jonah died and that'll never go away so I need to do the things that they always wanted and keep going for those who didn't have that chance."

Confession: I want to write a letter back but I won't. He doesn't deserve that comfort or reassurance.