Vote - Comment - Share (You don't have to but please do, I'd really appreciate it!)

- - - -

- - - -

evangeline blackwood

The concept of death has always baffled me.

It almost seems comedic.

Perhaps my opinion spiralled from Jonah dying because, as I grew older, whenever I overheard people talking about the world ending, I found it entertaining.

The discussion solely lay with the earth being destroyed. By bombs, nuclear explosions, by asteroids, meteors, fires, global warming, even aliens. But it isn't the truth. They don't talk about the realistic points. Worlds are ended every day. Yet we don't acknowledge them because our generation is so narrow minded and so science based that we ignore the worlds that are destroyed all around us. Unless you have seen an eyes universe slowly lose the spark as the life is sucked out of them, then you are at no liberty to talk about the world ending because until you have seen a person slowly dying, so slowly that you can see the galaxy in their eyes glimmer and darken, you can not question the end of the world. You cannot describe it. You do not know how it feels. You do not see it repaint itself again and again through your dreams until you gracefully turn insane. Because worlds don't end with a bang or even with a whisper, but one scream at a time, again and again until everybody is gone.

You can't unsee the sites you've witnessed.

You must learn to live with it repeating itself again and again.

Until it ends.

I have been in hospital for 5 days. 5 days of IV check ups and lingering doctors.

It's been 5 days since I've seen any of the Walkers or Morgan.

Seeing Ashanti and my parents sleeping in the corner of my hospital room ignites a discomfort in me that greatly surpasses any physical pain. There's a few chairs scattered around the room, one with Ashanti's small body curled up entirely on. Her head is resting on the armrest and she's snoring lightly, her braids nearly reaching the floor with how low the chair truly was.

Mum and Dad are on one each too. My Mum's hair is pulled into a messy ponytail, but I can tell that she hasn't brushed it in days. My Dad's hair is a mess too, there's bags under his eyes. I don't know how long they've stayed in this hospital with me, but they look like this is the first time they've slept in days.

My eyes go to the door as it slowly pushes open. I jump, on instinct, and then relax upon seeing a young doctor smiling at me softly.

"Are you okay?" She whispers, concern being prominent on her gentle features. "You gave us quite a scare when you came in. Them two boys were frantic."

Adonis and Morgan.

I swallow the lump in my throat, "When can I go home?"

"That depends on you, Hun. You're healing well but the psychological trauma might hinder your recovery."

"I'm fine, I just want to leave. I'm sick of being stuck in this stupid bed."

"Just a few more days, okay? You don't need to rush into anything."

I just want to see my family.

Signing, I don't reply. Instead, I rest my head on the pillow behind me and just shake my head at her.

The doctor looks towards the closed door and then back to me, biting her lip. "I'm not supposed to tell you this but someone phoned up early this morning, asking how you were. We're not allowed to have them discussions over the phone and I explained that to him. He understood and just said 'Tell Darlin' we love her and we'll see her soon.'"

Morgan.

Them words do little to comfort me, my anxiety rising at the idea that they were out there. Unprotected.

I need to see them.

"You've got some true people there." She whispers, "You should've seen the way they were both looking at you. Like their entire worlds would collapse if you died."

"I want to go home." I swallow past the lump in my throat, "What day is it?"

"The 7th."

I freeze. Jonah's anniversary was on the 3rd.

"Has anyone been arrested yet?"

"That boy who security removed." Logan. "They're looking for his accomplices."

"Okay."

Someone shifts to the side of me and Ashanti's eyes meet mine. Half-asleep, a lazy smile creeps up her face as she looks at me. She shuffles off the small sofa and comes to sit cross-legged on the end of my bed.

"You alright?"

She nods silently, still grinning.

Chuckling slightly at her expression, I continue. "Really?"

Ashanti's eyes scanned my face, a soft glimmer in her eyes. "I'm so happy you're alive."

"Ti-"

"Never in my life have I ever felt pain like that. If you would've died, E..." She trails off, I can hear the pain in her voice and it's doing nothing but worsen my own. "When Morgan phoned me crying, I never imagined he would to tell me you'd been stabbed. He said...He said your heart stopped."

"Well it's beating now."

She chuckles, that sad smile still there. "You scared me so much. I couldn't have coped if you died, I wouldn't know how to. We always joke about the shit we've been through but, E, this is the end. It has to be."

"It has to- For Atlas." I said, ignoring the way my stomach burnt at that mindset. This cycle can't go on.

"You can take off your 'I'm okay' hat, you know? It's just me. Fall apart, E, I ain't going anywhere."

"I am okay, I am." I emphasise, "I just..How am I still here and Jonah isn't?"

"Because the world's a shit place and it took your brother from you. Absolutely none of this should have ever happened."

"Ashanti, I'm so, so sorry." Tears began to stream down my face.

"Sh, sh." She wraps her arms around me, kneeling up on the bed as I fall into her hold. "Don't be sorry, none of this is your fault."

"It is, 'Ti. I've been lying to you." I say between my sobs.

She tenses, but doesn't say anything. She's waiting for me to speak.

I check that my Mum and Dad are still completely asleep before I speak. But, just in case, I speak in whispers.

"I always knew who killed Jonah."

"I think everyone did, E. It's just a which one." She replies without hesitation, not knowing what I mean.

"No, Ashanti." I shake my head against her shoulder, "I saw it happen."

And now she pulls back. Ashanti's hands are still on my shoulders but her brows are furrowed and she's searching my face, a myriad of expressions crossing hers.

"What?"

"I saw..." Pausing, I inhale deeply trying to find the courage to speak. "I saw Michael stab him. Just outside the park. I watched as my brother died."

Tears flicker in her eyes, threatening to spill over her dark cheeks.

All my expectations don't happen. She doesn't shout at me, desperate to know why I didn't tell her. She doesn't look at me in disgust or anger, at not speaking out earlier or reporting it to the police.

Instead, I watch as she shattered. Heartbreak evident on her features.

Within a second, I'm in her arms again and she's running her fingers through my hair and I just hold onto to her.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled, not halting her movements. I shake my head but she tightens her grip and stops me. "I'm sorry that you've been hurting for so long and I didn't realise. I'm sorry that you've been on your own through this. I love you so much."

"I love you too, 'Ti."

Throughout our entire discussion, I hadn't noticed my mother waking up until I look up from my hug with Ashanti to see her staring at us both. A part of me begins to panic at what she could've heard.

I don't want her to know I physically saw it just yet.

Ashanti soon notices too. "I'm going to see if I can get through to the boys before I have a panic attack. I'll be back soon."

My heartbeat races against the monitor, the beeping sound filling the silence as a nurse does her observations.

There's so much I want to say; So much I want to explain.

"Why didn't you tell us you knew who did it?"

At the question, I exhale with relief. She didn't hear me.

"I don't know."

"Did Logan help them?" She asks, and I can't help but hear the slight break in her voice at that possibility.

Logan was our family- the idea that he's caused us so much pain is unbearable.

"No." I force out, "He didn't know they did it either."

"You should've told us, E."

"How was I supposed to tell you and Mum that?" I scoff, despite the pain in my chest. My heartbeat begins to race. "You looked at me constantly like I was broken, like I needed fixing. How was I supposed to say that I knew who did it? That I walked past them everyday on my way to College, which is why I dropped out? How was I supposed to tell you that the people who Logan was friends with killed my brother? And everyone knew it too, deep down. Everyone knew it was them."

"We could've moved house, sent you to another college, spoke to the police. Got them away from you, from us." Cami lists, shaking her head.

"No, Mum, we couldn't." I tell her softly, "We couldn't afford that. But none of that matters now because they'll hopefully get sent down for doing this to me."

"What happened?"

"What do you think?" I sign, "I left College and they were waiting for me. Michael said some shit and then they urged Logan to stab me. And then he did. I knew it was coming, I'd had an argument and a bit of a fight with Karis a few weeks ago so..."

"You should've told us."

"Why isn't Mum here?"

Cami's lip shakes and I can see the way she bites it to stop herself crying. Her words are gentle, "She's going to come soon."

"Don't lie to me." I whisper, wiping my cheeks.

"I can't even describe how much it hurts seeing you like this, Ev. Jace's head is battered enough without having to see you like this too, you know it's different for her."

How could Morgan ever expect me to tell them the truth about what I saw when they say shit like that?

I'm protecting them. It's better them not knowing what I saw.

It has to be.

They can know who did it, but not everything. Too much will change.

"I don't agree with you, Mum." I replied bluntly, "I know she gets all weird that she's not my biological mother but she should know by now that it doesn't mean anything. She can't expect me to respect her as a person when she can't even look at me as her true daughter."

"Evan-" My Mum stares at me in shock with wide eyes. "It's not that, it's jus-"

"She didn't carry me, right? She didn't conceive me either. Say whatever you want but I know she pushes me away because she's scared I don't love her like you and Dad. But that's bullshit because as far as I'm concerned, she's just as much my Mum and my family as you."

"Then why did you say that about Jonah?" My eyebrows furrow at her question so she continues, "You compared your pain to mine and your Dad's, saying that it didn't compare to ours because he was our son. You completely dismissed Jace's feelings and pain at losing him. Acting as if she'd feel the agony any less because she didn't carry him."

Deja vu hits me as I remember the exact moment she's talking about.

When I'm feeling like shit, I just look at Mum and Dad and think, you know what it could be worse. Losing my brother doesn't even begin to equal the loss of a child.

"I never meant it like that." I swallow past the lump in my throat, "I don't see it like that. Who carried who, who's related to who..It never mattered to me. You're both as much a part of me as the other. That's like saying I'd treat Atlas different to Jonah just because we don't technically have the same Mum. It makes no sense. A parent is a parent, a brother is a brother. Blood doesn't mean shit."

"She's always been so scared that you'd see her different. Her biggest fear was always that you'd see her the way she sees herself." Cami admits. "You're everything to her. She never meant to push you away due to her own insecurities."

"She's my Mum. It's kind of her job to annoy me more than anyone else on this earth. Just like Dad does."

"But you're not like that with me, that's what fucks her up. You speak to and treat us completely different."

"That's because you both treat me entirely different." I explain, "You're a lot more softer, I'm not like you at all so we don't get into disagreements. Me and Mum are stubborn and resilient and we don't take no for an answer, which is why we argue."

Cami nods, "That's fair."

"Whenever she decides to show up, I'll explain that to her bu-"

The door flies open, cutting my sentences off. My eyebrows furrow as Ashanti rushes into the room.

Her eyes are rimmed red and my own heart monitor flies through the roof as I watch my best friend completely crumble in front of me.

"Ev.." She's panting, the moisture in her eyes not quite explaining the panic in her voice. "Morgan and Apollo have been stabbed."

Confession: My whole world stopped.