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evangeline blackwood

Ashanti's singing as I sit down at the lunch table. I send her a weird look, which I then share with Adonis.

She stops, staring at me unblinkingly. "Is there a problem?"

"Why are you serenading us with that painful nonsense?"

She recoils back dramatically, "How dare you! It's a masterpiece."

I roll my eyes but can't fight the smile igniting my face, I turn to the Walkers. "In Year 8, Ashanti tried to tell us that she signed up for and got into the auditions of this singing competition on TV. So we watched every episode waiting for her to be on just for her to admit that she hadn't passed the first stage."

"Well technically I wasn't lying." Ashanti huffs, "I did go on it."

"And you didn't get through." I deadpan, "Not surprising really, you sounded worse than you do n-"

"Pig. Tramp." Due to my discussion with Ashanti, I hadn't noticed Julian come over until he spoke. He nods to both me and Adonis, leering as he stops by the table. "Babysitting issues? I noticed an absence in one of your little friends."

"Fuck off, Parks." Morgan snaps, moving to stand up but Ashanti puts her hand over his and he stays sat.

"There's something weird about that Wildgust kid. I don't like the way he looks at you." Julian directs his words at me, "Nevermind what he's been saying about you. Disrespect seems to know no bounds."

"Leave it, Julian."

"Can't say I didn't warn you about that scum, ay Blackwood?" He smirks, rubbing his hand down my arm for emphasis.

I froze, tensing as he touches me. I know what he's talking about though. All through our relationship, he hated my friendship with Logan. Said he wasn't normal, wasn't good enough for me.

I never believed him or listened; I still don't believe him now.

"Not the first time someone I care about started to switch up, is it?" I look him dead in the eye. His stare flickers.

"He needs to back off you, kid's obsessed." Julian's grip on my arm tightens. I think it's going to bruise. "He needs to realise that you're not his."

Truth be told, Julian, I was never yours either.

"I got this, boo." Ashanti whispers before narrowing her eyes at my ex. "What a fucking mirale! Wow. What a true icon. Being spineless hasn't hindered your ability to stand up straight at all, has it? Legendary behaviour that, Parks."

"Fuck off, Omar."

This time, Ashanti's touch doesn't calm Morgan down as he shoots up, pushing Julian away so aggressively that he stumbles back and falls into another table.

As Julian walks away, his pride flattened, I noticed a pair of gunmetal eyes studying us from across the canteen.

Logan's stood as far away from us as possible but it doesn't escape my notice how his gaze rests solely on me.

******

Waiting for Morgan to bring me my phone charger back was exhausting. We were supposed to be having a film night with Adonis but, as per usual, Morgan's sat downstairs playing with Atlas and speaking to Cami.

Adonis and I lay on the bed, baking in the comfortable silence between us. No matter how long it's been since I first met him, I still feel them butterflies and sparks like it's the first time I've ever met him.

I've already admitted to myself that I like him more than a mate, but I can't do anything about it. The fear of Logan's spiral into Michael Jacobsen's darkness still looms over me, the fear of my brother's death repeating itself over again.

But when I'm with him, I don't think about it. The continuous thoughts haunting my mind cease and, at once, I'm at peace.

It's weird and petrifying how someone can make you feel this way.

He turns until he's facing me entirely. Our eyes locked for what seems to be forever before his gaze flicks down to my lips. I bite it, my stomach fluttering and tightening as the nerves began to hit me. I know what he wants to do. Fuck knows I want to do it too. But Adonis doesn't stop looking at me.

I'm not wearing any makeup, my hair a mess and I just feel entirely worn out.

But he doesn't seem to care about those little things. One of his hands move to behind my head, his fingers tangling themselves slighting within my black locks. His eyes don't move from my lips until he leans forward and kisses me.

It's hesitant, at first. As though he is waiting for me to move away. But when I don't, he deepens the kiss and uses his other hand to hold my cheek softly. I smile against his lips, relaxing into the kiss. I move my hands up until my nimble fingers are tangled within his curly hair, my skin is simply on fire. Butterflies are fluttering in my stomach, my lips are tingling with this aching desire to kiss him forever and ever.

This isn't my first kiss, not by far. But it's only one where I've actually felt something other than lust.

I feel everything.

Our foreheads rest against each other and we attempt to catch our breath. The massive smile that embraces his soft lips is one that I've never seen before, making me question how someone so beautiful can walk so effortlessly along this earth without question.

"Why are you so happy?" I laugh between my pants, forcing myself to untangle my fingers from his hair.

"I've had so many dreams about what that would be like. I never envisioned it to be quite that extraordinary." His eyes close but the smile still plays elegantly on his lips.

"What d'you mean?" My eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"That was my proper first kiss, Princess." He admits quietly, yet the timidness of his tone doesn't appear to be due to any shame or unease but rather him attempting to savour the moment, just like I am trying to do.

He kisses me again, stronger than before. Desperate, almost. Like he's trying to keep me as close as possible, like he'll literally die if he doesn't memorise the feel of my lips. The taste of him is making my stomach go wild and my thoughts go crazy. All heat, peppermint and lust and I just want so much more.

We break apart as the door opens. Desperately trying to act casual as Morgan looks at us knowingly with a cocked brow. He's holding a plate of cookies in his hands and I know already that he must've ate half of the ones my mother's cooked.

He moves closer to the bed, very exaggeratedly chewing. I take a cookie off the plate and bite into it, the cookie dough melting elegantly in my mouth as I fight off a moan.

"I'm definitely your mother's favourite." Morgan says idly.

"She hasn't met me properly yet." Adonis says in rebuttal.

I laugh at the disgust on Morgan's face, finding it hard to stifle a yawn.

Adonis notices, however, and looks directly at me. "Why do you look so tired?"

I frown, "Didn't get any sleep."

"Why?"

I pause, no one's ever asked me that before. I don't see the point in lying. "Had a nightmare"

"Do you have them often?"

I shrug.

"Anything else?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Do you have any other symptoms of trauma?"

The word hits me square in the chest, leaving me breathless for a moment. I've never looked at the situation quite like that. The seriousness of the entire experience or just how damaging the aftermath of it was for my mental state.

Blue eyes are looking slightly at my covered wrist.

I stay quiet for a while, and Adonis doesn't push me to speak. Morgan has that knowing look in his gaze again and I don't want to acknowledge that he's well aware of what I did to myself.

"I don't suffer with trauma-related nightmares." It's a lie and they both know it but I ain't admitting shit. I know I've got a problem but it's mine, it hasn't got anything to do with anyone else.

Morgan checks his phone, sending us both nods before disappearing. "Your Mum's got a present for me, see you in a bit."

"You have panic attacks, right? Alertness? You avoid certain places. Flinch when people move too quick. Sometimes, you're so deep in thought that you don't even realise that you're scratching your wrist. Grounding technique, right?"

Nope.

"No idea what you're talking about." I keep my face blank, my tone void. But I stare straight into his eyes so he knows that this isn't bothering me.

"Bullshit. And that's fine." He smiles tightly, "I'm here if you need me, whenever you need me."

He cuddles closer to me, my shirt pushes up slightly exposing the flabby skin on my hip.

"I need to tell you something." He says, his fingers brushing my open skin and beginning to rub circles into my hip.

"Hm?" My head's leaning on his chest, my eyes are closed.

"I think I'm falling for you." He whispers, "I've never felt like this before."

"Dee-"

"Don't say anything." His nose nuzzles my ear, his lips press against the top of my neck. "Just let us stay like this, for a while."

His words give me a reality check. Something in my soul is breaking endlessly. It feels like fear but the taste in my mouth is panic, anxiety, desperation. Desperate for that comfort; desperate for a love that I know I can't have and I don't deserve.

I can't do this to him. I can't put him in danger. I'm not a selfish person. My happiness isn't worth burdening someone else with my heartbreak, my trauma.

He deserves better. Adonis is good; a kind soul that searches for the best in people. I'm the opposite- scared and traumatised and unpredictable. Most days, I don't even know how to feel anything but agony and terror. He doesn't deserve to live this with me. And if anything happened to him, I would never forgive myself.

I texted Jonah to come home early and it got him killed. I can't do that to anyone else.

"You know before? When you..." I trail off, knowing he'd understand what I meant. "I need to be straight with you for a second."

He nods his head, eyes studying me cautiously.

"I can't...We can't take this any further. Okay?" It kills me to say it but I can't get him involved in my fucked up life. It ain't fair.

"Why?" His voice is quiet. He sits up, blinking at me. "Is it because I asked you that? 'Cause I won't do it again. Look, I'll keep my mouth shut in future. I promise."

"Nah, I just don't want a relationship, Dee. But I still want us to be friends." I manage to force it out without my voice breaking, but the look in his eyes speaks only of shock and betrayal and it hurts.

But it's better this way. It has to be. I can bear this pain so he doesn't have to. I'd rather hurt him and give him an opportunity to find happiness elsewhere than make him stay somewhere that will only destroy him.

Confession: Numb.