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evangeline blackwood

I shifted uncomfortably as I pulled myself off my locker. Ashanti was late and Logan didn't have any lessons until after lunch so I was on my own.

Julian stands further down the hall with his friends. I can't get to my class without passing him but my heart races dangerously at the thought. I'm scared of him under any circumstances but I don't want any more trouble, I don't want conflict.

Bottling up my unease, I walk past him while keeping my eyes down. I can feel the anxiety in my stomach lingering recklessly, I feel sick.

But due to my attention being so focused on preventing myself throwing up, I don't notice the foot until I fell. My knees hit the ground with a loud thud and pain erupted from the point of contact. He tripped me. Purposely.

"Fucking slag." JP's words hurt, despite the fact they shouldn't. I'm not a slag, I don't sleep about. I know that. But I also know what he means. And it hurts.

I shut my eyes as I feel the tears that start to prick them but before I have the chance to respond, before I have the chance to stand, I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"I knew you were annoying but fucks sake, Park, being a woman beater doesn't make you hard." Apollo pulls me up, his eyes scanning me quickly to see if I'm injured.

"Stay out of the shit you don't understand, Walker." Julian's eyes narrow and I notice his mates tense up, as if they were ready to fight if need be.

Apollo doesn't look shocked that Julian knew his name but, instead, he laughs. "Someone's been doing their research, it's impressive. I think I understand this situation just fine, you've got a 'rep' to hold so you try to humiliate those who are too nice to fight back. Hm, that really makes you look hard to me."

"You don't know nothin' about her if you think she's a nice person." One of his friends spits, nodding his head towards me.

'Don't ever let anyone get comfortable disrespecting you.'

Jonah's advice sticks deep and I remember the moment he told me that. It was about two months before Julian and I started speaking and a month before Jonah died. I lived by that motto for years but then shit just got hard and I couldn't hack it anymore.

But seeing that happen to Phoenix the other day just reminded me further why I shouldn't let people take liberties.

"Are you obsessed with me or something?" I speak up, cocking my brow.

JP narrows his eyes, "Don't get big now you've got a gang of bodyguards."

"Could say the same to you." I argue back, gesturing towards his mates stood directly behind him.

"How can you even show your face or speak to me like that?" He kisses his teeth, looking me up and down. "You should feel guilty for what you did to me, what you did to us."

I snorted, shaking my head in bewilderment. "Yeah, you're right. I do feel guilty..." His lips tug up slightly but they drop quick at my next words. "I feel guilty that I wasted almost a year of my life with a piece of shit."

His face drops entirely and I swear I see a flash of pain bombard his brown eyes.

Apollo moves forward until he's in front of me, "I think this is the time when you back away."

"Evan!" Ashanti's voice breaks the silence, she's panting as if she's just ran a marathon or some shit. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, are you?" I chuckle as her hands meet her knees. She puts a hand out, gesturing for me to wait.

"I'm okay." She inhales deeply, pulling herself upright. "Are you going to class today?"

"I don't know if I'm emotionally ready, to be honest."

She gives me the 'I'm actually done with life' look, "Don't even, I can't cope with college at all."

"You're actually such a mood, man, what the hell."

"C'mon, Ali might shank us if we're late again." She mutters.

--------------------------

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

I wince, shrinking back as Ashanti slams her tray onto the dinner table.

"How dare that stupid motherfucker give me detention. Detention! For fuck all." She fumes, sitting beside Morgan and Adonis, who both stare at her with wide eyes.

"Why've you got detention?" Rory asks with her mouth full. I've only been at the table for 5 minutes but she's already gone through at least 3 packs of chicken nuggets.

It's admirable, if I must say so myself.

"She threw a paper plane at Ali's head." I deadpan, rolling my eyes as Morgan starts laughing.

"Never has he gave you detention for that." Morgs teased, squeezing 'Shanti's cheek. "Bless."

"Touch me again and I'll put my fork in your eye." She says without any sense of humour. "I want to kill him."

"Do it." I shrug, opening my lovely salad.

Jokes, I hate healthy eating.

Rory had the right idea when she ordered 5 packets of chicken nuggets and I followed her example and got one for myself.

"Question." Speaking of, she seems to have eaten all of her food and is now onto her fries. "What's the deal with you and that JP guy?"

She asks the question casually but I sense the sudden change in mood. Everyone's paying attention.

Huh, turns out it might be a bigger deal than I first realised.

"Long story short, my name holds weight in that motherfuckers heart. He ain't gonna tell you that though." I dismiss her question quickly, but not too quick, as though it means absolutely nothing.

"So, he is your ex?" She pushes. Adonis smacks her arm gently in warning but it's fine.

"Yeah, he is." I admit, "He wasn't like that when I was with him. He switched later on in our relationship and I didn't fuck with that so I left. I was 14 when I got with him, 15 when I ended it. He's still not got over it."

"Or, we know all about crazy exes. Mum's life right, Apollo's ex stalked our entire family for months after they split. He was absolutely 'angin as well, couldn't believe that Apollo even went near him."

He.

Logan was right.

"Rory." Apollo whispers sharply, panic glistening within his irises.

"It's fine, Donnie said she's got two Mums." Rory whispers, well pretty much says, back to him.

I already worked out that she was the boss but I reckon she's the confident, 'don't mess with my family' as well.

We're going to be good friends.

"My turn to ask a question." Logan pipes up. Ashanti is already giving him suggestive stares after the gay exposure. "What the fuck does 'hanging' mean?"

At that, every single one of them bursts out laughing, even Phoenix who has stayed entirely silent.

"It's like...disgusting, basically. And it's 'angin, not hanging. We don't really pronounce our h's." Apollo explains, looking at lot more comfortable than he did just a few minutes ago.

Logan, Ashanti and I just look at each other. I speak for all of us, rolling my eyes. "Northerners."

"You roll your eyes so much, searching for a brain?" Adonis questions with a sarcastic smirk.

"You're so funny." I roll my eyes again unintentionally, before realising what I just did. "Right never mind. You've got me there. Bad habit and all that."

From the corner of my eye, I notice Apollo eyeing Ashanti and Logan almost suspiciously. I get it, despite not being gay or out myself. Both my Mums told me how cautious they were taught to be in any public situation because you never know what someone thinks of them, or how they'll react.

Some people can be amazing, but others...It's not always good experiences. It's pretty shit.

One of them, Jacelynn, always educated me on the difficulties of being a lesbian and a black woman, and how her heavily religious family did not accept her one bit. I guess they played a part in her alcoholism, as she admits to having started at an early age. Cami helps, I know, but it's still hard for her to not see her family like 25 years after coming out.

That fear, she said, never leaves you.

"My Mums have been together since they were 17." I interrupt the silence, staring straight at Apollo as I spoke. "They had me and both my brothers through IVF starting with my older brother two years after they got together. Both 'Shanti and Logan are really close with my family, even my Dad. You don't have to worry about us judging you, yeah? Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the rest of the school but just know that, with us, you're safe to be you."

"Thank you, Evan." The appreciation and thankfulness in his voice is almost too overwhelming to hear.

People shouldn't have to thank others for displaying basic human decency.

Just let people do what the fuck they want to do, man. If it doesn't target someones existence or harm no one then it should just be left alone. It's like arguments over race, its not a factor that can be controlled so just let people live.

Logan is staring down at the table and everybody else is pretty much silent. Aside from Rory and her abnormally loud chewing.

"Ev." Ashanti hesitated, staring down at her phone. "A lad's been stabbed at the park."

I freeze. My instinct tells me to run, not show anyone the emotion threatening to expose itself onto my face. Another side tells me to relax, chances are I don't know them.

"Who is it?" I visibly swallow but somehow manage to keep my voice calm.

"It doesn't say, just that he's dead."

I bit my lip, distracting myself from the sharp sting in my eyes. I shouldn't care, I know I should be used to it by now but, even if I don't know them, it hurts.

I think it's because I get how the family will feel, or because I have a basic idea of how fucking terrifying it is to die like that.

And all I did was witness it.

It ruins me knowing that Jonah died alone, terrified. It ruins me that I was sat at my bedroom window, watching, and I couldn't stop it. It ruins me that the people who did it are still at large, that they've probably just killed another boy.

"I'm going to the toilet." I dismiss myself quickly, feeling myself getting more worked up.

By the time I get to the girls bathroom, tears are already streaming down my face and my throat is clogging up.

I hate crying so much. It's just not me. I don't cry. I hate showing any signs of weakness.

"It's alright, Ev." Warm arms pulls me into a body, stroking my hair. "I'm right here."

"Logan," I sobbed, my voice cracking. "I miss him. I miss him, I miss him - Fucking hell, I miss him so damn much."

"I know," He grips me tightly as my hands clings onto his jacket. "I'm not going to leave, okay? I'm here. You're going to be okay, Ev. I promise."

I shake my head, "It shouldn't still hurt like this."

"Speak to me, whats triggered this?" He pulls away from me slightly and tilts my chin up so we're looking at each other. "Is it 'cause Jonah died there too?"

"He didn't die there. It was close but not in the park." I remember exactly where it was. I walk past that spot every morning and every evening. Shadows of blood still act as my reminders. "It just....It doesn't end. It'll never end, Lo."

"It's life." He replies softly, as if it's the simplest thing in the world.

"No, it ain't." I say back to him with the utmost convincement. "Life ain't kids killing kids, man. It can't be. I have to live with this for the rest of my life, so does my parents and Atlas, so does millions of other people. All because some dickhead decided that carrying a blade is more important than someone's life. It's stupid."

"Evan-" There's that warning tone, the one that Julian always tries with me.

I know why he's saying that. It's a touchy subject for him. He used to carry, before I met him and even admittedly after. After living on the streets for two years, he picked up habits that he couldn't ever forget.

It made him stronger and more thoughtful, but also made him more empathetic towards those who don't deserve pity.

Which is one of the reasons why he doesn't know that one of his closest friends outside of our friend group put a blade in my brother.

"Don't Evan me," I snap, "Logan, you were in the exact same position that I was, you grieved like I grieved."

"Not everyone has a choice."

"You're right." I take a step away from him. "Lo, I love you and you're my best mate but Jonah didn't have a choice. You decide if you carry or not. You decide if you put a blade in someone. That's a choice. I'm just tired of it all, I don't want to do this same repetitive cycle no more."

Confession: I don't think anyone actually understands how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. One minute, I'm happy. The exhilaration, the love for living, the laughter. And then, without warning, I just fall. No matter how fast it seems or how happy I previously was, I can't control it. It just happens and things get bad again.