So it's Eid Al-Fitr today, the first day of it. For those of you who don't know, this holiday lasts for three days and it comes right after the month of fasting (Ramadan). So like a three-day break and celebration after a whole month of tiring fast and religion.

So yeah, we're all supposed to be happy. And of course I am-- obvs, after a month of fasting, I am really happy. Also I finished my first year of college so yay!! Here's some of my work, actually, cuz I wanna take a moment and brag (DON'T JUDGE I HAVE A RIGHT, I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BUM OFF ALL YEAR).

This is actually the older version, the newer one is where I have the right-bottom corner of the drawing filled up so it isn't blank white. It kinda looks weird, the entire page filled with pencil drawing and then that one awkward corner, so I fixed it. :)

But yeah, I wanted to talk about something else today, but decided to start off with a nice sketch to cheer up the mood a bit.

Cuz even though I'm happy, I feel depressed on the inside. Like I'm content and smiling, but my heart isn't. I'm kinda... scared.

I don't know how to express myself very well so here goes...

I've been doing a lot of art, you see, and some I post it on here. I've also been making cards and writing letters to my besties and random people, and also cards addressed to people to give to them in the future. I do that a lot, where I write a letter to be opened later, a few years into the future. A letter to the future.

But I was writing this letter yesterday and today and drawing kawaii cuteness chibis on it for a precious friend of mine and the thought just came to me...

What will happen in the future? What if I don't ever see the people I want to see?

I don't know what will happen in the future and that scares me. I think that's what I'm most scared of. When I want to do something, say something, meet someone, I go and have it done that moment. Because I don't know if I'll be able to get another opportunity to do it in the future. 

But somtimes it's out of my control. I can't just do everything the moment I want to, some things I have to wait for. Like meeting my precious besties. I haven't seen any of them in so so so long, and some I haven't even met face-to-face yet. And I want to see them soooo bad, I want to hug them and kiss them and cuddle them and never let them go.

But I can't. There's stuff in my way, stopping me from doing that. And I hate it.

Because what if something happens? What if I can't deliver the letters to them? What if I can't give them the cards and presents I want to give them? What if I can't see their precious smiles again, hear their beautiful laughter? What if we never meet?

What if we... forget?

I hate that so, so, so much. Thinking about it makes me depressed and sad, even though I'm happy. I'm always happy, but my heart gets depressed sometimes. And I'm scared.

So, so, so scared.

The fear building in my chest, eating away at my good feelings and making me think and worry. It's driving me mad.

Sigh ❤️❤️❤️