Chapter 11

They traveled an hour away from the city after only making one stop to collect their dinner takeaway. The place they arrived at was not exactly a cliff, but as well be called that because of its elevated position from the rest of the city and the chill breeze hiding and seeking from between the branches of numerous tree planted on the sides.

Annika felt a calm settle inside from being this exposed to nature. Under the starry sky, with lights of the city visible enough to illuminate the place, wind whispering in the ears and away from noise of the city, one is bound to feel one with nature. Shivay wasn't spared by the magic either. The stiffness he held throughout driving was lost and he was visibly relaxed.

"We should have bought a mat." Annika heard Shivay mumble pushing God knows what away from the ground by kicking front and back.

Annika without caution sat cross legged on the grassy ground. Lifting her head up at Shivay, she smiled brightly. Shivay chuckled shrugging his shoulder, before he sat beside Annika.

Their conversation didn't start way until they were half way through their dinner from takeout boxes. Annika was the one initiated it and all she wanted to know was that if he had ever count stars.

"Yes." Shivay answered. "Every time, I start after the number I ended with last time."

"Really!" Annika looked at him. "How far are you now?"

"3867."

"Wow! That's pretty accurate."

"It hasn't been that long since I last counted from the same place." Shivay's voice held an edge of melancholy. Annika understood that it was not a mere spot that he liked to hang out, but held a story to itself. Knowing Shivay, Annika was not sure if the story was a happy memory or sad or both.

"Let's play a game, shall we?" Annika pushed the empty boxes from between them and turned herself from facing the city to face him. Shivay followed suit and now they were face front of each other with only their phone and abandoned box of Brownies between them.

"It is called two truth and a lie. It goes like..."

"I know." Shivay said before she could explain the ruled.

"Great! We have known each other for a while now. So, this mustn't be hard to guess."

"I am game. Do you want to go first?"

Annika nodded her head and didn't waste time before she gave him the choices.

"First, I am scared of spiders. Two, I ... am a trained bharatanatyam dancer. And, three, I was a smoker."

"Well, you can be scared of spiders." Shivay's lips ticked in the side. "I remember how play ninja fights every time you dust the house."

Annika narrowed her eyes at him in reprimand fashion making him chuckle.

Shivay pressed his lips together and looked at Annika intently humming inaudibly.

"You look like a dancer type, Annika." He nodded. "Your eyes are way too expressive."

"Why, thank you." Annika lifted her eyebrows and eyes in comic fashion as if to prove her point.

"That brings us to the third option which I bet is a lie."

Shivay looked pleased with himself as he was sure that he got everything right.

"Did I win or did I win?" he lifted his eyebrows.

Annika scrunched his nose and nodded an apologetic no.

"What?" Shivay was surprised.

"Yes, I am scared of spiders. No, I have not learned any form of classical dance. However, I have danced a lot in my school cultural program. So, " Annika smiled embarrassed. "I did smoke. For few months, when I was in road with Anurag for his music gigs, I used to smoke until I conceived, of course."

"Okay? That's a surprise. I don't mean it in a wrong way." Shivay struggled with his words awkwardly. He sure as hell didn't want to be judgmental, but who can easily forgo the taboos being taught about smoking since childhood.

"Well." Annika pulled her hair that was going all over the place in a messy pony tail. "What do they say? Young and stupid?"

"We cannot always make a choice that is socially accepted and also suit us. It is okay to make bad choices." Shivay said."Anyways, what matters is that now you have quit and we can stay clean of any fear of your lungs getting affected."

Annika smiled at Shivay. She has never been afraid of sharing with the world who she was. If she is not going to accept her, then no one else is going to do that. She has seen many reactions varying from fury to shock to disgust, but never ever acceptance. The only person who gave her that was Shivay. He accepted her for who she was and seemed to have no qualms in liking her for that. If she already loves herself, then Shivay's reverence on her only makes her respect herself more, if that was even possible.

"How do you do it, Annika?" Shivay asked breaking Annika's chain of thoughts. He was looking at her so intently that she can safely assume that he was staring when she was, in her mind, praising his goodness.

"Do what?"

"Liking your present self while making peace with your past self that has landed you in a soup?"

Annika first chuckled at his question, but once she realized that he was sincere and he was expecting a philosophical answer that he wishes he could connect with, she became quiet.

Annika's thoughts began to form a jam as she went back to the one incident that was as much her strength as her weakness.

"I contacted my mother three weeks after I eloped with Anurag. She was enraged. She scolded me, cursed me, but at the end of the call told me that if I went back she will still accept me. I refused. I told her, that moment no matter what I will never regret standing in a strange city holding Anurag's hands." Annika snuffled and Shivay wondered if she was crying or it was just the cold. "Every walk of my life, I remembered what I said to my mother that day. I know, it makes sense to be angry at me for my choices, but didn't I desperately wanted it at that time? I will still say that 18 year old Annika wouldn't have regretted leaving her family. If given a chance, 18 year old Annika will repeat everything again in spite of all the hurt and agony. I laid the bed and I had to sleep on it. I have many memories of those years. Some good, some bad, but all are mine to keep. I can either suck it up and move on or make rest of the years in life a slave to those years."

Shivay didn't say anything for a long time. He just sat there staring at his entwined palms thinking of everything and nothing. Annika was not the first person to say this to him. However, she was the only person who had not only gone through a disaster that was even worse than his and evolved beautifully by practicing everything she preached. Unlike others, she was not saying it because it was the right thing to be said, she built her whole life around that truth and if it wasn't inspiring then what could be?

"I came here first with my second wife Tanisha." Shivay started his monologue unannounced. "I was first married when I was only 24. Nothing different from story of a typical Indian boy. I had a degree, a job and so obviously I had to have a wife. Archana. She was just out of college. We met for couple of times before our wedding and everything seemed fine. She was born and bred in my hometown, a completely different world to metro we were planning to move to. So, she was excited. I did my college here, so I was already accustomed to the lifestyle here. Since she was new, she was not only shocked but majorly intrigued. She began to mimic everything she saw, every woman she encountered. Initially, I found it cute. But, over time, it felt as if I am coming home to a new woman every day. One day she will ask me to drive her to shopping mall and next day she will fight with me for not offering to drive her stating that I don't trust her to behave in such a big city. One day I will become a chauvinist to her to stop her from working and next day I will become inefficient husband who can't warn enough and ask his wife work. Top of it all, she was suspicious to the point of obsession. I don't just mean the kind that checks phone or sniffs shirt. She was the kind who paid office clerk and security to give minute by minute update on my activity. Final nail on the coffin was when she went to her parents' for Diwali and two days later I received a call from police station saying that domestic violence case was filed against me. I have fought with her, argued with her, called her names, but trust me, Annika, never in my wildest dream even I thought of raising my hand on her. She was... for the lack of better word, just sick in the head. Elders from my family and hers intervened. Her father, kind man he was, knew his daughter very well. So, made her to withdraw the case and agree for the divorce. Till now, I am paying substantial amount of alimony every year. In a way, I am kind of relieved that she isn't married again to ruin another man's life."

Annika could have been mistaken for a statue for she didn't move even an inch since Shivay began to talk. Even when he wiped a lone tear from his eyes, Annika didn't try to console him. He was doing something that she never expected him to do, open up to her. Annika has always been open about her past, she wouldn't volunteer details easily, but she wasn't hesitant about it as well. But, she knew, Shivay's past was sensitive to him. He faced twice the trauma as her being divorced twice and all. So, when he was willing to talk about his past, trusting her, she wanted to give her full attention to him.

"I had made up my mind to stay away from any kind of relationship. I was holding my ground until Tanisha. She was in my office. She was the kind of woman who turned heads wherever she went not just because she was beautiful but also because she had witty mind and sharp tongue. Everyone fell a little in love with her and I wasn't spared either. Surprisingly, she unlike with others, she used to be friendlier with me. Maybe, it was because I didn't make a fool of myself in front of her. We joined same project and started spending more time together. We came to one point where we were stopped from being lovers only by the fact that we hadn't confessed yet. Encouraged by few colleagues, I sang for her during one of office's annual New Year party. She acted unimpressed in front of everyone, but I knew she was indeed flattered. Soon after that we began dating and after few months married even." Shivay sipped water from the bottle beside him. He gulped each sip down his throat slowly as if he was buying time before revealing more.

"I was scarred by my previous marriage. So, this time I wanted to be like an open book and was willing to do whatever Tanisha wanted me to do. It worked for us for over a year. But, then, problems started to peep in. Tanisha wanted to be a married woman who lives a single woman's life. She wouldn't make breakfast for me on days I run late nor will she eat the breakfast I made for her. She will say that she neither wants to be a cliché nor dependent. It didn't make sense to me, because for me marriage is about sharing everything. I was completely transparent to her starting from where I was to who I was with to what I was eating. After bitter experience with Archana, I thought we both had to employ transparency for better understanding. While she was happy about having me on leash, she didn't want to extend the same to me. Even when I questioned her about something as trivial as her travel plan, she used to tell me that I was interfering with her life. So, after a point, I stopped being a hen pecked husband who updated everything to his wife. She started fighting with me saying that now I have her as a wife, I no more feel about her like I used to. Once, my mother came to stay with us for a week, as she was sick. I worked from home whole time to take care of her except one day when I had to go to office to attend an important meeting. I asked Tanisha to stay with her and all hell broke loose. We both were in same project and I was the lead. We both knew it was more important for me to attend. She was not even working on the phase that was to be deployed that week still she made a scene out of all it. She said I was being a typical man who was looking down on her work. The worse was that we were arguing about it in my office, I had just cut a call with Sitara regarding a meeting. I must have not placed back the receiver properly and Sitara was witness to our whole argument. She could have cut the call once she realized it, but she wanted to be the devil she was. She took complete pleasure in telling about it to whole office in detail. Let me tell you something Annika, in things related to relationship, our society is programmed to believe that a woman is always right. So, I was judged without a trail by everyone at office. I don't know if it was the high that everyone's support gave Tanisha, but she started to become meaner to me day by day. She was convinced that I was some villain who was the bane of her existence. Things began to complicate and I didn't know what to do. When I tried to do any husband-ly things for her, she thought I was trying to interfere in her life or condescending. When I tried to give her space, she thought I was being indifferent. Before I could comprehend from how we came from being in love to being in hate, I was served the divorce papers. She didn't want alimony, but she took from me what I valued more than money, my dignity. Whole office saw me as a chauvinist and what with two divorces and all. I became a laughing stock among my family as well as colleagues." Shivay sniffed and wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Every day I heard things about me that gives me shivers even when I think about it now. After a point, I started wondering if what they told me about was true. I was divorced twice. There must be something wrong with me right?" he looked at her and Annika could see how hurt he was feeling. "My work was the only thing that was going on for me. I was in the middle of the project that I handled from inception. It was like a baby to me and I didn't want to leave it half way. If not for my work, I felt I didn't have anything to look forward to. So, I spoke to my very understanding boss and started working from home. It has been a year and my life has become what you see now."

Annika was thankful that Shivay didn't expect her to react to whatever immediately. He stood up walked to the edge from where major part of the city was visible leaving Annika with her thoughts.

Annika had answer for everything. Even as a kid, she was matured beyond her age, probably that is why she chose psychology as her major. But, Shivay's story left her bowled over. She didn't know what to think of it. Clearly Shivay was scarred not by one but two emotionally draining failure in relationship, not just any relationship, but marriage that is considered to be one of the most sacred bonds of all. In both the relationships, he was forced to think about his thoughts and actions again and again that he began to question the firmness and integrity of his own thoughts. He socially distanced himself not only because he was scared of the unfair judgement thrown at him, but also because he was no more sure how to take a stand for himself. He began to question his stance on everything.

Annika lifted herself off the ground and went to stand beside Shivay. She didn't know the words that could sooth him. So, she simply held his hand that hung by his side defeated. Surprised Shivay turned to look at her face and that moment, when they had their eyes locked, the world decided to celebrate the birth of something new with cheers of joy and colors of crackers.

Shivay stepped into a new year with calmness in his heart as he has for once spoke his whole heart to someone who he trusted. On the other hand, Annika welcomed new year with striking awareness that her heart has, on its own accord, began to care for Shivay in a way that she didn't think she was capable of caring except for her son.

A smile involuntarily spread on both their faces oblivious to the fact that something has changed for good for both of them.

***

Quiet a heavy update amidst the distress whole world is facing now. Unfortunately, can't help it as it is a pre-planned story.

Hope everyone is taking good care of yourself and people around you.

This too shall pass. Keep hope alive.