October 20th, 2018

Christian,

Do you remember the last time we saw each other? I had just found out that there was someone else, and instead of forgetting about you I wanted to see you one last time. I actually thought that if you saw me one last time that you'd choose me over her. I really thought that I loved you. Maybe you didn't love me, but I think I loved you.

I stooped to the lowest version of myself that I ever have that night. I begged and pleaded to remain in your life. It was pouring rain out that night. It was like a scene from a movie. You told me that I wasn't the one you were going to choose, and I collapsed onto my knees in the mud, feeling my entire heart break into two. It got so bad to the point that my nose started to bleed. Do you remember that? You got so scared that you had to go and get my mom. I cried so hard that I popped blood vessels in my eyes and my nose.

I'll never forget the look on my mom's face when she saw what you did to me. She was so disappointed that I thought so lowly of myself that I'd ever sink to my knees in the mud for another man. Especially you.

I gave you almost a year of my life. I gave you everything I had, and instead of treating me as I deserved you left me in the mud, nose bleeding and all that night to go and see her. Because she was more important? She was more important than taking the time to give me closure? She was more important than someone who genuinely cared for you?

I wish I could erase this memory more than anything. I was weak, I was broken, I hit the lowest point of my life that night. But as much as that destroyed me it also made me stronger. Never again will I let a man make me beg them to want me. Never again will I plead for anyone to claim me. Never again will I ever allow a man to take away my dignity.

Never again.

_____

A night of endless tears seems to be the daily ritual for me. Lying here crying my eyes out and wanting this pain to go away seems to be never ending. The memories, the words left unspoken, the kiss I never thought would be the last and dammit, if I had known it would be the last I would have savored it. I would have savored it and lingered there a lot more than usual.

When I'm at work or when I'm around Jess I don't think about it as much. When I'm out and doing something the pain isn't there, but then I see a little kid wearing a superman shirt and I feel my heart completely break, or I see superman on TV, or superman everywhere possible. It's like no matter where I go I always see something that reminds me of him, and I hate it. I have grown to hate superman.

The worst part is that Patrick and I aren't even an official couple. We were never girlfriend and boyfriend, never in an actual relationship, but it sure felt like that the night at the arcade. But if we weren't in a relationship, and even if it was technically just for a month I still feel heartbroken. I feel crushed and run over, just completely torn apart. Almost like a sweater being pulled on and pulled on until finally the seams all tear apart and all that's left of me is just a bunch of little pieces of fabric.

I continue to sit here crying like a lunatic, but as soon as I'm about to reach for my journal to write in my usual entry of the night I see him running up to the porch from the beach. Even though it's dark out I know it's him. It's all like some sort of movie that you'd say, Oh, come on. That doesn't actually happen. It's happening right in front of my eyes though, and before I can even think about what I look like, I open up the door and just stand there as he runs up the two wooden steps, completely out of breath and sweating from head to toe.

Then he kisses me. I don't see it coming but it happens all at once, his arms forcefully pulling me onto the back porch with him so I can't pull away. I should want to push him off of me, I should want to tell him to stay out of my life, but I don't want that. What I want is to continue kissing him, and that's exactly what I do.

We back up together on the porch until we're on the sand, and never once do our lips leave each other's. His hands are clenched around my waist, the both of us never wanting to break apart for even a second because if we do we'll have to talk about things, and I don't know what he's going to say. If he's going to be a man and break it off in person then I want to get as much kissing with him savored as I possibly can.

Tugging me down onto the sand with him once we're almost near the water, he crawls on top of me and sticks his tongue in my mouth, letting out a groan from how good it feels. I swear that my entire stomach erupts into butterflies as I hold onto his back and never want to let go. It all feels too right until his hand goes underneath the waistband of my plaid pajama pants. I immediately jerk back, shaking my head for him to stop.

"I-I'm sorry." I whisper, trying to catch my breath. "We just need to talk before we go any further Patrick."

Almost like he feels stupid or something, he immediately nods and slides off of me so he can lie on his side and look in my eyes. I have to tear my gaze from him because it's still too difficult to do, looking back out at the waves instead, which seems to be a better option. I don't even know where to start, but I feel a lot better that he's here. It makes me feel like I'm not a complete joke to him.

"El, I just want to start off by saying I am so sorry and that I am such an asshole. I don't have an excuse for what I did. I could try to come up with a million, and believe me, I wish I could, but I don't know how to explain myself. I'm so sorry."

He reaches out and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and I swear my heart stops when he keeps his hand there and strokes my cheek, his eyes reflecting remorse. Nothing can process right now except that Patrick Connelly is apologizing and that I actually still mean something to him.

"You were an ass." I agree. "Why'd you say that? Why did you make it seem like I meant nothing to you?"

"B-Because they were mean to you." He stutters, licking his bottom lip. "The night of the party and at the diner they were so mean to you. I guess I was just trying to protect you. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. That's the last thing I wanted."

"You know what happened with Christian." I say. "You know how much he hurt me. I was hidden, I was a complete joke to him. I thought I meant something, but I meant nothing to him. After what happened on the boardwalk I-"

"I know." He pleads, moving slightly closer to me. "El, I know I messed up. Believe me, I do. If I could go back in time and make it different I promise I would. I don't want to be like Christian. I don't want to hurt you. This isn't some bet, alright? You're becoming so important to me. I don't know what else to say except that I'm so sorry, and I hope that you can give me another chance."

He keeps his eyes on me, scanning every detail to see if he can find an answer, but when I lean over and press my lips to his cheek he has it. Call me crazy, call me insane, but I don't mind giving someone a second chance, especially if you're Patrick Connelly. Maybe I'm just not used to someone being interested in me, or maybe it's because I've never felt this way about someone before, but Patrick is important to me too. I think he always will be.

"Fine." I sigh. "But if you really want this to work Patrick then I don't know if I can be around your friends. They're really-"

"We don't have to. I don't even like to be around them anymore either. I really don't. We only have two months left until you have to leave, so whatever you want to do is perfectly fine with me."

As I lay there and look up into the night sky I try to somehow come to terms with the fact that I have to leave him. After these next two months go by I'll be on my way back home, and who knows what's going to happen between us? He could move on, he could want some other girl who's just like me but better. There are probably thousands of girls that are so much better.

"Can I ask you something?" He whispers quietly.

As soon as I lock eyes with him I know he's serious. Whatever he's about to ask he's put some thought into, that's for sure.

"Sure." I reply.

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

My laughter comes out too quickly and he looks at me with a confused expression. He should know me well enough by now to know that I laugh when I'm nervous, and right now I can't even look at him because the next time I do I know that I'll be looking at him as my boyfriend, not as my friend. Something that has never happened to me before.

"El." He laughs with me, moving closer so he can rest his head on my chest. "Be my girlfriend."

"Being Patrick Connelly's girlfriend's a pretty big deal." I tease, hardly being able to muster the courage to say that. "I don't know if I can handle that."

"Oh yeah?" He smirks. "Am I just that cool of a person?"

"Keep talking like that and your nickname is gonna be Pattie."

He kisses me before he responds and continues to kiss me, his lips then moving down to my neck. He's everything I've ever wanted, and sure, he made a mistake, but just because someone makes one mistake that doesn't mean they don't deserve a second chance. I know Patrick well enough I think to know that he doesn't want to hurt me. I know that he cares about me. Maybe I'm so naïve because he's my first boyfriend, only my second kiss, and my first everything practically. I've never been in a relationship before, so this is all new to me. All I know is that when he kisses me it feels right, like I never want it to stop.

"Give me an answer." He murmurs, smiling against my skin until he stops, most likely waiting for me to say something. I guess I'm just confused as to why he wants me to be his girlfriend in the first place. Why me? What made me so different from the rest? I just don't get it, but there's no other title I'd rather have than Patrick Connelly's girlfriend. I will gladly accept that.

"You act like I'd say no." I giggle, beginning to play with the ends of his hair. "Did you really think I'd decline?"

"I had my doubts." He admits. "Like I said before El, you're a mystery."

God, he's so perfect. The way he moves away from me slightly so he can stare at me, the way his eyes are such a beautiful brown that I could probably look into them forever and never get bored. It's just the way it looks like he has so much going on in his head. It looks like he has so much to say to me but he never does. He always stays silent and just stares at me with that expression I can never decipher.

"So..." He speaks up again to change the subject. "Have you ever gone skinny dipping?"

I almost choke on my own spit once he says that, feeling my whole body stiffen in fear. No way in hell. There is absolutely no way I can ever get naked in front of him, let alone anyone. How can I get naked in front of someone when I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw up?

"Not in a million years Patrick."

Then, without me being able to stop him, he stands up and begins to undress himself in front of me. I can feel my cheeks turn hot even though the wind out on the beach is cool as his shirt falls to the ground, giving me a little smirk. His body is gorgeous. The way the moon shines down on him and makes his chest look like a ripped Greek god or something is insane. Each and every ab of his is defined; glowing right there in front of my very eyes, and all I can do is stare at him.

"Take off your shirt and I'll take off something else of mine." He says.

So this is going to be like strip poker or something? We just went from being into a fight to stripping in front of each other. He doesn't realize that I'm so self-conscious of myself that it's hard for me to look in the mirror. I wish I was different, but my mind is screaming no. When he sees me he'll never want to be with me again.

"I can't." I whisper shakily.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm ugly, Patrick. I mean, honestly. You act like you can't see it, but I think you're blind or something. Don't you see all of the fat? Don't you see what I actually am? I'm ugly and if you saw me naked, or even partially naked, this whole girlfriend thing will be directly out the door."

I can't help but start to cry, cursing myself for always being so emotional around him. The way I look always gets to me, and when I look away from him again he sinks down beside me. He traces the outline of my jaw before he wraps two fingers around my chin and gently turns me to look at him once more.

"What I see is that you're beautiful, El. I don't understand how you can't see it, but you are the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen in my entire life. When we get to that point, when I see you naked, it's going to be perfect. I get if you don't want to do this, but I'm telling you right now that if you do, you know, take your clothes off right now, I'm not going to leave. I'm going to stay and we're gonna make out like crazy from being apart for a week. I've missed you so much."

I'm crying harder, but this time I'm crying out of happiness. My arms pull him into a hug so quickly I can't even process it. He's everything to me in this exact moment, and who knew that me spending a summer in Myrtle Beach would end up resulting in me finding the boy who changed everything? I don't know how to ever tell him how grateful I am.

"You're so perfect." I mutter into his chest. "And you look really good without a shirt on in case I forgot to mention it earlier."

He laughs harder than I thought he would and moves his fingers right onto the worn down t-shirt I'm wearing, wrapping them around the hemline. I swear I'm not breathing right now when he glances up at me for approval because nobody has ever gone this far. Nobody has ever seen me in my bra, and I can't help but look like a deer in headlights, holding my breath for the moment of truth.

As my t-shirt is pulled off, as I sit here on the sand in my bra, I keep my eyes shut and feel like crying more when he doesn't say anything. He isn't saying anything; all I hear is the roaring of the waves and can't bear to open my eyes to look at him. Dammit Patrick, why aren't you saying anything?

Then I feel his lips press to the side of my neck, every fear I've ever had evaporating and being replaced with confidence. It's like a wave of relief floods out of me when his fingertips trail up and down my sides, his kisses moving lower. He isn't running, he isn't freaking out in disgust, instead he's kissing me. I don't even think he knows what he's just done for me.

"See?" He whispers. "Beautiful."

"You don't think I'm ugly?" I ask.

"Nope. Not even close."

"You don't think-"

"The only thing I think," He says, sitting up on his knees. "Is that you're beautiful right now. Stop worrying."

Suddenly I do stop worrying. I stop worrying about my stomach that's out. I stop worrying about how huge my arms are. I stop worrying about every flaw I have because the man that's staring at me doesn't see any of them. He thinks I'm beautiful, and that makes me feel a way I never have before. Patrick stands up from the ground and starts to take off his belt, and then his shorts are off, followed by his briefs. I look away, my cheeks redder than they've ever been before.

"Stop being so shy." He laughs. "Do you not like what you see or something?"

"God, no Patrick. That's not it at all. You're..."

I don't even know what to say.

"I'm what?"

Okay so, hot doesn't seem like an appropriate word, but that's what comes out of my mouth. That causes him to roll his eyes and head towards the water. The way his shoulder blade muscles contract underneath his skin, the way every single part of his body is literally glowing from the moonlight. I just sit here and admire him as he steps in and screams – kind of loudly – when it's freezing cold. I don't know what he was expecting though. It's not exactly going to be warm in the middle of the night.

"No swimming tonight." He laughs hysterically, throwing on his clothes in a hurry before he plops down beside me again after I too, had put back on my t-shirt. I'm kind of thankful it's cold because that way I don't have to take off the rest of my clothes. Being in my bra is enough for now.

"Don't you have a curfew?" I ask.

"Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Maybe I wanted to see you. Did you ever think of that?"

"Maybe I did and maybe I didn't." I shrug, erupting into laughter when he starts to tickle me. His fingertips dig into my sides until he presses his lips to mine and moves on top of me again.

I guess this is what a relationship is like, and if it is then all of my expectations were a lot lower. This was exceeding every expectation I had about having a boyfriend. To have someone be interested in you and want to get to know you is better than I could have ever hoped for. I finally found him after so many years of waiting, and it was completely worth it because Patrick Connelly is who I waited for. Cuddling with him on the beach, feeling so confident and so beautiful, feeling like nothing in this entire world could bring me down. That's what made it worth the wait.

Patrick Connelly made it worth the wait.

A/N:

Hopefully you guys liked this chapter!!

I love this story so much and I can't wait to release the rest of it :)

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