Unsurprisingly, it was next to impossible for me to sleep that night. I should have been exhausted enough for the true oblivion of sleep to take me quickly, but I lay awake as the hours passed slowly, staring at the ceiling. Neither Drew nor my parents had pressed me about earlier, though I'd felt their concerned gazes on me for the rest of the day. After the shock and intense emotions, I'd sequestered myself in our room for as long as possible.

Oscillating between fear, anger, pain, and regret, I cried until I felt wrung out and dry. One minute, I was simultaneously furious and terrified; the next, I was hurting and full of regret. I hated that Zander had that much power over me, but at the same time, I felt like I deserved it. Ever since his death, I'd drilled it into myself that I'd killed him just to save Elle, but the real reason shook me to my core.

I wanted to kill him. And now, with him back and out for revenge, it terrified me what he would do if we crossed paths. I shifted onto my side, folding an arm under my head as I looked out the window into the night-dark waters. I shivered as I imagined Zander lurking out there, lying in wait.

I heard a deep intake of breath, then a soft voice from behind me. "Wanna talk about it?" I took a shaky breath, then flipped to my other side, meeting Jonah's eyes.

"I—I can't sleep. I know that if—if I do, it'll be the same thing as last night. I hate that he still has that power over me, but at the same time, I feel like I deserve it." Those last words were hardly more than a push of breath, barely audible, but I knew that Jonah heard them.

He reached out and touched my cheek, his touch warm and reassuring. "You have to stop blaming yourself. Zander put you in an impossible situation, and you did the only thing you could. And as for Waverly, I think bringing Zander back to life was more about her having both parents around—the stability."

Tears threatened, but I held them back. My head still throbbed from all the crying I'd done in the past twenty-four hours. "But I don't think—not really—that she understood the impact her words would have on me. That's part of why I lashed out at her. All that pent-up anger was bound to come out sometime. And the worst part of all of it was I didn't—and don't—regret any of it."

I hated that I'd given into that part of myself. That place where I stored all the hate, anger, depression, and grief that I'd experienced in the past—I had thought I'd stowed those emotions away where I couldn't reach them. That part of me, I realized, was still stuck in my childhood. That was where the root of my abandonment issues originated.

Even though I'd barely been a year old when Carla and Ella's murders had occurred, that young, traumatized mermaid had never truly disappeared. She was still there—hidden behind the façade of a tough mermaid who'd survived tragedy and heartbreak and continued to face each day. Every so often, however, memories of that time would rise to the surface, cracking that tough façade.

When I spoke, my voice was barely audible. I wasn't talking to Jonah—I was thinking out loud—but he heard the words anyway. "I think that's why I've been having those nightmares. My subconscious tells me that, though I have two loving parents and an entire family that would die for me, I'll never really get rid of that young, traumatized mermaid."

I let out a tense breath, surprised to find tears in my eyes. I hadn't expected any of that to come out. Before I'd spoken the words, I hadn't even realized I'd felt that. Jonah sat up, pulling me into his arms. "Does this have anything to do with what happened earlier?"

I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the onslaught of memories that lurked in my subconscious. But none came. Instead, all I felt was a profound feeling of emptiness. When I spoke, my voice was hollow. "I don't know if I'll be able to beat Zander. I'm not strong enough. I'll never be strong enough."

My breath caught in my throat as Jonah suddenly pulled back to face me, his expression as serious as I'd ever seen it. His voice oozed passion. "That's Zander talking. You've allowed him to get in your head and twist the truth into lies that weakened you. You are one of the strongest mermaids I've ever met. Everyone else sees it; why can't you?"

"Because when I look at myself, I don't see the tough mermaid who'd survived tragedy and heartbreak yet continues to face each day. I see the mermaid whose past trauma has affected her to the point where she's completely lost all of her self-worth." As I stopped to breathe, my voice broke when I spoke again. "I see a mermaid who wholeheartedly believes she should not be this happy."

Jonah said nothing, stroking my hair as my words lingered in the water. When he spoke, his voice was soft. "Have you had that dream again?" Again, he didn't specify, but he didn't need to. The unspoken meaning was clear.

I shook my head as I laid back down, folding an arm under my head. I didn't even flinch when I felt Jonah wrap an arm around my abdomen and pull me close. We didn't speak anymore after that, and a few minutes later, I felt his breathing deepen as he fell asleep.

I cast my memory back to right after Carla and Ella died. I didn't remember anything except a feeling of immense fear and confusion. It wasn't until years after we were adopted that the trauma from the event caught up to me. And even then, the effects had been minimal. The nightmares had only just recently been happening.

After lying there for a few more minutes, it was clear that I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. I gently slipped out from under Jonah's arm, silently rising from the bed. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I had to leave the bedroom. My chest tightened as I swam to the door of our sitting room, and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. By some miracle, I managed to swim inside and close the door without a sound.

A tightening of my throat and a short intake of breath were all the warnings I had before the dam broke. Silent sobs tore from my chest, wracking my body and stealing my breath. I hadn't realized how deep-rooted that particular trauma was. My words from moments ago floated through my head, making me sob harder.

"'Because when I look at myself, I don't see the tough mermaid who'd survived tragedy and heartbreak yet continues to face each day. I see the mermaid whose past trauma has affected her to the point where she's completely lost all of her self-worth. I see a mermaid who wholeheartedly believes she should not be this happy.'"

For a moment, the only sounds were my muffled sobs. Pressing a fist to my mouth, I felt the silent tears slip out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I glanced out the nearest window, surprised to find the first rays of sun shining into the water. It was barely dawn, but I knew that if I left now, I would still be able to swim undetected under cover of darkness.

If I managed a moderate pace, I could reach Beltmare by mid-morning. Leaving a hasty note for Jonah, I swam into my closet and hurriedly pulled a black-and-red dress over my head. As I swam back into the bedroom, I grabbed my messenger bag and slung it over my shoulder.

I knew half of my hasty visit was to break the news to Aunt Izzy and Uncle Kai, but the other half was purely selfish: I had to get out of the palace, away from the memories and feelings that ambushed me without warning. Jonah would be frantic when he found out I'd left without him, but I didn't have time to worry about it. I had to go before I lost my nerve. I kept my eyes on the suite door, forcing myself not to look back at my sleeping husband.

I opened and closed the suite door without a sound, clutching my bag so tight my knuckles were white. My breathing was barely audible, but my heart was racing. At this hour, no one else was awake. The hallways were ghostly and silent, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Unsurprisingly, the only other individuals I encountered were the guards at the front doors. Holding my head high and clutching the straps of my bag so they wouldn't see my hands trembling, I swam out into the open water, avoiding their gazes.

I felt their eyes on my back, but luckily, neither spoke. It wasn't until I had left the palace far behind that I felt a prickling between my shoulder blades like someone was watching me. I spun in a slow circle, carefully scanning my surroundings, but aside from the occasional sea creature, I was alone. I shook off my paranoia as best I could and continued swimming. When I felt it again just a few moments later, my body tensed. I had no weapons, but I grabbed the next best thing—a medium-sized rock—and clutched it in my free hand.

I had almost dismissed my paranoia as lack of sleep when I heard the sound of a crossbow cocking—faint but unmistakable. I froze in place, barely breathing as I braced myself for the whistling sound of the bolt, the tearing pain. I cried out as the bolt grazed my left deltoid, tearing the skin and leaving a line of fire in its wake.

I lost my grip on my bag and the rock as I slammed into the ground. Dazed, I pushed myself up to a sitting position, biting back a muffled scream as living bands of fire sliced into my shoulder and down my arm.

I whipped my head around but only caught a fleeting glimpse of dirty blond hair. My heart stopped as my stunned brain slowly put the pieces together. Zander.

I knew that staying out in the open would only invite more chances for him to shoot me again, so I gritted my teeth as I slowly rose and pressed a hand to the wound. I grimaced as it came away tacky with blood. The first thing I had to do was stop the bleeding. If I could do that, I could hopefully make it to Beltmare before it worsened.

I ripped a chunk of fabric from the bottom of my dress, creating a makeshift tourniquet for my shoulder. I groaned through gritted teeth as I pulled it taut, hissing out a breath. I glanced at the surface and saw the sun shining overhead, gauging its position. I still had time, but... I was operating on adrenaline and pain, and it seemed like the latter was going to win.

Swimming with one arm was awkward enough without the pain. There was no way I could make it before dark in this condition. I knew I could technically swim if I didn't move my upper left arm, but that would mean keeping one arm completely straight while still only using the wrist and hand. Steeling myself and gathering my strength, I decided to continue as far as possible. If I managed to make it to Beltmare, so much the better. I let out another breath and then began to swim.

Within seconds of moving, I was sweating and breathing through clenched teeth. I kept my eyes on the seafloor, doing everything possible to avoid crying out. I focused on breathing slowly and deeply, trying to push the pain out of my mind. What felt like days later, I finally reached Beltmare's entrance.

I paused just outside the realm, my breath catching as I glimpsed the palace in the distance. Slowly, painfully, I swam into Beltmare, tears falling down my cheeks from the pain and exertion. I didn't dare glance at the tourniquet, but I could tell by the pain—which worsened by the minute—that it had started bleeding again. I didn't make eye contact with anyone as I kept my eyes on the palace in the distance.

It was only when a bolt of pain had me suddenly crying out that I heard someone approaching. I quickly swiped at my face. I could only make out blurry charcoal-grey hair and copper skin, but I tensed. My exhausted brain recognized the voice before my weary body did. "Faye? Sweetie, what happened?"

Queen Katrina. Uncle Kai's mother. I couldn't respond. When her face paled and her eyes widened, I realized I was falling. The last thing I saw was her worried face before I surrendered to the darkness creeping into the edges of my vision. I could only hope Uncle Kai and Aunt Izzy would be there when I woke up. Zander wouldn't stop until he had killed me. I only hoped that my family would intervene before that happened.

Read and review!