"Perry the Platypus, your timing is extraordinary!" Doofenshmirtz declares. "And by extraordinary, I mean completely ordinary!"

Perry just stares at him.

"Like, seriously, would it kill you to shake it up a little bit?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "Anyways..."

Doofenshmirtz hits a button on his remote, and Perry is trapped in a net. It's almost ironic, given that Doofenshmirtz just asked him to shake it up.

Doofenshmirtz puts the remote in his lab coat. "You remember the platypinator, right, Perry the Platypus? You know, when I turned myself into a platypus because I thought I could best you in battle if we were both platypuses?"

Perry definitely does remember that, but given that it ended in embarrassing defeat for his nemesis, he's not sure why he would bring it up.

"Well, it occurs to me that I may have gone about it the wrong way," Doofenshmirtz says. "You see, Perry the Platypus, I never stood a chance against you because we still weren't evenly matched. You've been a platypus for... how old are you?"

Perry rolls his eyes.

"Okay, whatever," Doofenshmirtz says. "You've been a platypus for however many years you've been alive. I had only been a platypus for, like, ten minutes. If I wanted the advantage, I would have to turn you human instead!"

Perry's eyes widen. He's not seriously going to turn Perry human, is he? That's ridiculous on so many levels, and it's not even a useful kind of ridiculous. Perry doesn't beat him because he's a platypus; he beats him because he's more skilled.

"Behold, the humanator!" Doofenshmirtz pulls the sheet off his inator and gestures widely to it. "You know, platypinator, humanator?"

Perry just narrows his eyes.

"Yeah, I'll work on the name," Doofenshmirtz says. "Now, I know what you're thinking. I can't turn you human in a platypus-sized trap, right?" Doofenshmirtz reaches for another remote. "That's why I got this."

A cage falls from the ceiling and over Perry, who's still inside the net. The cage would definitely work on a human, so Perry can see why he thought it was a good idea, but it would only hold a human. The bars are far enough apart that Perry could sneak out..

"Now, hold still, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz says. "It won't hurt a bit."

Doofenshmirtz remotely lets Perry out of the net, obviously expecting the cage to hold him, but Perry slips through with ease.

"Wait, Perry the Platypus, don't —"

Perry jumps up and kicks Doofenshmirtz in the face. Per usual, this results in a very intense fight, and Perry thinks it's going really well until Doofenshmirtz makes his way back to the inator. Perry jumps up, trying to hit him away, but instead, he puts himself right in the ray's way when Doofenshmirtz hits the button.

Perry falls to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut. His whole body is tingling. It doesn't hurt — Doofenshmirtz had his back on that one — but it feels weird. It's uncomfortable, to say the least, and it feels like it goes on for ages.

When Perry feels almost normal again, he opens his eyes and looks around. Everything looks about the same, which is comforting, but he knows even before he looks that the inator worked, both because Doofenshmirtz's inators almost always work and because he's never felt so naked in his life. He usually has hair, and he's perfectly happy with it. Now, he can't even say that.

Perry immediately takes off his fedora and covers his nether regions. Of the many reasons Perry didn't want Doofenshmirtz to succeed, this one hadn't even occurred to him.

"Now I have the upper hand, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz says. "Or should I say, Perry the Humanpus?"

Perry tries to chatter, which is his usual response to Doofenshmirtz's buffoonery, but it sounds weird. Did his voice change? He didn't even think it took a voice to make that noise.

"You don't have to make that noise anymore, you know," Doofenshmirtz says. "I'm pretty sure you can talk now."

It takes Perry a moment to wrap his head around that. He's never spoken before. He's a platypus, after all, and platypuses don't do much. Can he really speak now? He should probably try.

"Hi?" Perry says uncertainly, and he's shocked to find that he actually can say it.

"Out of all the words you could have picked to be your first, you chose 'hi'?"

Perry just narrows his eyes.

"Oh, Perry the Humanpus, do you want something to wear?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "Or are platypuses pro-nudity? I don't really know how this works."

"Turn me back," Perry demands.

"Why would I do that?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "That would defeat the whole purpose of turning you human in the first place."

Perry sighs. He's going to have to kick Doofenshmirtz into submission, isn't he?

"Fine," he says. "Can I have something to wear?"

Doofenshmirtz heads to the closet and opens the door to reveal a long line of lab coats. There are two shelves under them, one divided into three sections — black shirts, gray pants — and one that holds shoes, socks, and many colors and designs of boxers. Doofenshmirtz grabs one of everything.

"I'll be honest, Perry the Humanpus," Doofenshmirtz says as he hands the clothes over, "I have no idea if any of this is going to fit you. You look a lot smaller than me."

Perry takes the clothes wordlessly, and Doofenshmirtz turns around to let him get dressed in peace.

"You really don't talk much, do you?" Doofenshmirtz remarks. "I always thought it was just because, you know, you were a platypus."

It occurs to Perry after a long few moments that the correct response to that would probably be, "I'm not used to talking," but, again, he's not used to talking. He's used to forming thoughts, sure, but not in words. He can't think of responses in a decent amount of time.

Instead of speaking, Perry just starts getting dressed. He's seen Phineas and Ferb do it before, but that's usually while Perry is half asleep and barely paying attention. Obviously, he can't ask Doofenshmirtz for help dressing himself, so he has to figure out how it works himself. Underwear first, right? Would that be the small shorts? Phineas and Ferb's underwear isn't shaped like any of this, so the shorts are his best guess.

"Are you just shy?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "You've been thwarting my plans for months now. I've practically given you my entire life story. I would have thought you'd say more than two sentences."

Perry stares at his new shirt, puzzled. How does this work? He would probably understand how to put on a short sleeve shirt if he had one, but Doofenshmirtz wears weird tank tops under his lab coats. Perry can't figure out where his arms go and where his head goes. Every time he tries to put it on, two appendages end up in one hole, and he knows that's not right.

"Are you dressed yet, Perry the Humanpus?" Doofenshmirtz asks.

"Almost," Perry replies, taking his shirt off and trying to put it on again. Why is this so confusing? It's not like he's never worn clothes before. It shouldn't be so much harder to do it as a human than it is to do it as a platypus.

"You are taking a very long time," Doofenshmirtz remarks. "Is this your plan? Distract me so I don't see you sneaking up on my inator?"

Perry's too frustrated with this shirt to even process that he's supposed to acknowledge that. Doofenshmirtz wouldn't have expected him to acknowledge it as a platypus.

"It is, isn't it?" Doofenshmirtz says before whipping around to look at Perry, doubtlessly expecting to find him sneaking away. When he realizes that Perry is still sitting on the floor, helpless, he looks confused. "What are you doing?"

"Getting dressed." Perry holds the shirt out in front of him. There are three holes in the top. Arm, head, arm. If he gets the arms, he'll have to find the head hole. He sticks his arms in, then pulls it over his head...

... only to find that one of his arms is in the head hole already.

"Do you need help, Perry the Humanpus?" Doofenshmirtz asks.

"No."

Perry takes the shirt off to try again. Maybe he needs to do the opposite. He bunches the shirt up and slips his head in first, and the fact that it fits is all he needs to know he got that part right. He sticks his hands in the shirt and feels around for the other holes.

"Are you sure you don't want help?" Doofenshmirtz asks.

"Yes."

After a lot of twisting and turning, he finds one hole, and he slips his arm in. Then he finds the other, and he gets that arm in, too. This shirt is far more uncomfortable than he'd expected, especially around the neck. It feels like it's choking him.

"I think you put it on backwards, Perry the Humanpus," Doofenshmirtz remarks.

Perry stares at him uncomprehendingly.

"Take your arms out," Doofenshmirtz instructs him.

Perry eyes him suspiciously.

"Do you want to wear it right or not?" Doofenshmirtz asks, annoyed.

Perry hesitates, then does as he's told.

"Now just turn it around," Doofenshmirtz says.

Perry just stares at him.

Doofenshmirtz sighs. "Like this." He takes a step towards Perry, who immediately moves away. Doofenshmirtz puts his hands up in surrender. "Fine, if you want to wear it backwards, be my guest."

Perry pauses, still tense, but he doesn't really expect the guy to hurt him. They play by a certain set of rules, and while neither of them are actually sure what those rules are, hurting a newly-human former-platypus while he tries to put a shirt on is definitely a no-no. Perry sighs and reluctantly lets Doofenshmirtz help him.

"See, Perry the Humanpus, this is all you have to do." Doofenshmirtz takes the shirt by the collar and turns it around for him. He takes a step back, giving Perry the chance to put it on correctly. "Better?"

Perry looks down at himself in disdain. He looks like an idiot. Heck, he feels like an idiot. He just wants to be a platypus again.

"I can't help but notice," Doofenshmirtz remarks, "that you look very strong. You didn't look that strong as a platypus. Is that what the humanator does? Do you think it would give me muscle?"

"I'm stronger than the average platypus," Perry says. A loving family and a dorky nemesis aren't the only benefits of working for OWCA.

"I guess the average platypus wouldn't be able to kick me in the face," Doofenshmirtz agrees. "This is nice, don't you think, Perry the Humanpus? I don't have to carry the conversation anymore."

Perry gives him a discontent frown.

"Okay, I don't have to carry the entire conversation anymore," Doofenshmirtz corrects himself. "Just, you know, most of it."

Perry pushes himself to his feet. He's surprised to find that this much is easy. He's had to quickly stand up on two legs and quickly stand on all fours more times than he can count, and while it's slightly more difficult with long limbs, muscle memory serves him well.

"All set?" Doofenshmirtz asks.

Perry just walks over to the inator. There has to be a reverse switch on here. There always is.

"Wait, where are you going, Perry the Humanpus?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "Are you going for the humanator? You can't do that!"

Doofenshmirtz runs over to the inator and reaches for the self destruct button, but Perry smacks his hand away just in time.

"What, you want to fight?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "Let's go. We are equal-footed — literally, because we both have human feet now."

Perry jumps up to kick Doofenshmirtz in the face, as he always enjoys doing, but he just falls to the ground instead. Apparently, humans can't jump or kick as high as platypuses. That would have been nice to know before he twisted his ankle — which, for the record, is virtually impossible to do as a platypus.

"See? That's exactly what I was talking about," Doofenshmirtz says. "No wonder I couldn't beat you as a platypus. I was still thinking like a human! But now the tables have turned!"

Perry stands up again, and it's a little more difficult now that he's hurt his ankle, but he can deal with it. He's used to getting hurt. He's a secret agent; it's in the job description.

What he's not used to is not knowing how to fight. OWCA has trained him since birth to make use of his platypus features. He can't do that anymore. He doesn't have a tail to smack him with. He's too big to jump. He's essentially out of options, but he needs to get to that inator, so he does what little he can.

He reaches for the inator's reverse switch, and when Doofenshmirtz grabs his arm, he twists it around until they're both in pain and he has to let go. Perry reaches for the inator again, but Doofenshmirtz shoves him out of the way, standing between Perry and the humanator. That puts a bit of a dent in his plans.

Perry launches himself at him, trying to make the most of this "no longer ten pounds" thing, and Doofenshmirtz stumbles backwards...

And right into the self destruct button.

Perry just stares at the spot that used to hold the humanator. It's gone. It's really gone. That was his only chance of turning human again, and it's just... not there. What is he supposed to do now?

Doofenshmirtz seems just as perplexed. "I have to be honest, Perry the Humanpus, I really didn't expect to get this far. I don't have anything else planned for you."

Perry looks at him, dumbfounded. "That's it?"

Doofenshmirtz shrugs sheepishly. "I really thought you were going to leave here a platypus, and I was going to be stuck here to sulk."

Perry crosses his arms. "Then turn me back, and you can stay and sulk."

"What? No! Where's the fun in that?" Doofenshmirtz asks. "This is just the beginning!"

Perry sighs. Great. He really appreciates that. Without a word — because, really, what do you say in this situation? — he turns around and walks out.

"We're still on for tomorrow, right?" Doofenshmirtz calls after him. "Same time?"

"Screw you!" Perry yells back.

"You know, it's funny," Doofenshmirtz says, his voice growing fainter with every step Perry takes. "I'm usually the one cursing you when you leave."

Perry just rolls his eyes. He is so not in the mood.