"are you sure you're up for this today?"

dan nodded, staring at his hands that were resting in his lap, his fingers clasped as if he was praying. the bus rattled and shook, and dan was just barely strong enough to not entirely topple over against the blonde boy sitting beside him. 

"y-yes."

"alright..." jackson leaned forward to search his face. an itchy blush spread up dan's neck quickly, like wildfire. out of the corner of his eye he saw jackson smile.

"what?" he met his eyes for once. he had very pretty eyes. not phil's eyes, but pretty. "why are you smiling?"

jackson's smile only widened, a grin developing on his face. "i'm not."

"yes you are." he reached out to lightly swat his arm, frowning at him.

"no." jackson's expression contorted so that he was clearly trying to hide his smile, but he was failing miserably. "see?"

dan giggled, shaking his head and pulling his knees to his chest. "quit t-teasing me, i can see that you're smiling."

jackson nudged him gently, his elbow brushing against dan's side, as soft as a breeze against him. "even sad, quiet boys need to be teased sometimes."

dan licked his lips quickly, looking away again. he pretended his knees were incredibly fascinating, running his thumb over some scuffs that hadn't quite broken his skin last time he'd gone plummeting to the ground. he couldn't remember what had happened; was it one of the boys in his class? was it caused by his own clumsiness? was it phil?

he was sure it hadn't been phil. if it had been phil, he wouldn't have phased out the incident quite as easily. he would've remembered. 

jackson let him fade into silence, which dan was grateful for. he almost wasn't scared, he felt like if he had to leave, jackson would let him. he'd let dan have the control, and even that almost made dan feel like tearing up. it was just like phil had treated him, before phil had become a monster. before phil had started pretending.

the bus came to a slow stop once again and the driver pulled the lever, the doors flipping open with a clunk. jackson touched his wrist, smiling again. smiling, smiling, smiling.

"this is my street." he searched his face intently, raising his heavy eyebrows in question. dan almost zoned out and forgot to reply, but at the last second he nodded, taking a slow breath in. 

"okay."

"so are you coming?" his smile was so kind, and so reassuring. he was so considerate. dan didn't care if he was only treating him with common civility, it felt like everything in the world to him. dan swallowed hard.

"okay." 

jackson's face broke into a huge grin and he nodded, standing up in the aisle and holding out his hand. 

dan knew they were being watched, because half of the kids on the bus had nothing better to do than watch, waiting impatiently for the bus to start moving again so they could get home. dan could feel it, on the back of his neck, creeping up his skin like a thousand fire ants. 

he ignored the feeling and took his hand, letting jackson help him up out of his seat. he brushed off his blue shorts and let himself be led off of the bus by the hand like a small child. he kept his eyes on the ground and his heart in his chest, not allowing it to beat up into his throat and choke him up. 

jackson only let go of his hand when his feet hit the pavement, and he only tugged on one of the ribbons in dan's hair instead. his eyes were bright and happy. it felt contagious, and dan was highly susceptible. 

he pointed down the street into a thicket of trees, at a dark brown house that sat comfortably in the trees. "that's mine."

there was a mini-van in the driveway and a bike leaning against the garage door. the more dan looked, the more he noticed. there was a tree house nestled in the evergreens, a hammock hanging below it. dan imagined jackson there during the summer, laid out, tossing a football above his head and catching it as it came down.  

"hey," jackson said brightly, tugging on his ribbon again. "you're smiling."

dan fought back the grin tugging at his lips, shaking his head. "n-no i'm not." he started toward the pretty, perfect house.

when they got inside, the first thing dan noticed was how good it smelled. it smelled like food, and dan wasn't even sure what kind. something rich and savory. dan's stomach growled and he wrapped his arms around himself as if that would mask the sound.

"hey, mom," jackson shouted, tossing his bag on his brown, almost velvety, couch. "i'm home, and i brought a friend."

the ceilings were so high, and the entire place felt so incredibly homey. if dan could get over the fear burning in his gut, this place would surely be his new favorite location in the world.

it used to be phil's house. 

"okay, honey!" a woman's voice called back. "let me know if you need anything!"

jackson turned to dan, seemingly reaching out to touch him before reading his expression and dropping his hand back to his side. "do you wanna go to my room?" he looked slightly concerned. dan didn't want him to be concerned, he hated that jackson saw him as such a fragile creature. he stood up straighter and lifted his chin a bit, nodding curtly.

"yes," he said, careful not to stutter. "i'd like to see it."

"okay," jackson replied, beaming at him. he took his sleeve between his thumb and his forefinger and tugged gently, pulling him toward the stairs.

the stairs were lined with family photos. dan wanted to look at each of them for hours. even phil's family didn't have this many pictures, not to mention that he hadn't heard either of phil's dads call phil honey in years. 

jackson kicked a red toy truck out of the doorway and dan watched it roll away. "sorry," he said sheepishly. "that's my little sisters. she plays up here sometimes."

his room was a beautiful sight. it was such a boy room, which was what dan had expected, but it was so much better than he'd thought. 

the walls were painted midnight blue, and various photos and posters adorned the surface. pictures of him with boys that dan had seen at school, pictures of him with his parents and who dan assumed was his little sister (she looked around four), and photos from birthday parties and holidays and sports games and everything in between. dan's heart skipped a beat when he thought of how nice it would be to be in one of the pictures on that wall.

the posters were mostly of football players and basketball teams, as well as a few obscure bands that dan didn't know about. when he turned back to jackson, his face was slightly pink.

he scratched the back of his neck nervously. "sorry," he muttered. "i guess i used to really be into sports."

dan smiled faintly. "i like it."

he looked up at him. "yeah?"

dan nodded. jackson's joy came flooding back, evident on his face in seconds. dan wondered what it was like to be able to summon it like that, like tap water. a quick, easy happiness. he was sure it came from everything around him; a stable home life, good friends, hobbies. it was incredible to witness.

jackson tugged at the thin sweatshirt he was wearing. it had their school colors on it, dan assumed he'd gotten it from some sports team he was on at some point. "hey," he mumbled, biting his lip. "thank you for coming."

dan shook his head, playing with his sleeve. "no, i..."

"i mean it," he said, cutting him off. "thank you. thanks for giving me a chance, i know you were scared."

dan stared at him. his sincerity stung dan's eyes and hurt his stomach, it was so intense and dense in the room like a heavy fog, enveloping dan in it's painful care.

jackson cared. he may not know dan well, but he didn't have to to care about him. he was human and he was kind and dan had been a fool to not let him be around sooner. he was nice to him with absolutely nothing to gain from it.

dan opened his mouth to respond, but instead of words, only tears came. 

dan squeezed his eyes shut, but it was too late. 

he crumpled.