12/24/16

"DON'T YOU HAVE to leave soon?" Clayton asks from beside me. I twist my neck slightly so I'm facing him. Our bodies lying side by side, our fingers intertwined. It's all so simple, yet completely twisted all at once.

With a sigh I let my body sink even further into Clayton's bed. If I could stay here forever I would. "Yeah, girls day," I tell him as my eyes rake over his handsome face. A face that I still can't believe I get to touch and kiss. This face and those eyes haunted me for a year after that kiss in the bar. And now here he is, next to me, and it's almost too much sometimes I'm want to pinch myself to reassure myself it's all real.

"Sounds fun," he drawls sarcastically.

A chuckle flutters from my lips. "It is fun!" I exclaim playfully hitting his shoulder. "I love Kylie and Gray," I express honestly. They are my people in this world. My people who even in the darkness have made me see the light.

"Yeah," he breathes out into the small bubble we've created in his room. In this bubble we speak about our pasts, we speak about what we want out of the future, we touch, we kiss, we love without words and it's all so perfect. So perfect that I know that it's about to all come tumbling down. Because nothing can be perfect, especially in my life.

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask Clayton as my fingers trail over his bare chest. His tan warm skin my favorite canvas to draw my fingers across.

His eyes meet mine. "I don't know if we have enough time for questions and what I want to do," he tells me with darkening eyes, and a sexy smirk tugging at his pink lips. My stomach drops, and my chest tightens with his words. My body instantly curls closer into him loving the idea of letting him take charge.

But I also know I want to know everything about this man, and every day I find more questions I have for him. I could ask him questions for the rest of his life and still want to know more about how his beautifully tragic mind works. "Hmm...." I trail letting my teeth tease my bottom lip. "How about just two?" I counter knowing I want every last piece of him.

He raises his eyebrows. "Just two?" he clarifies.

I nod eagerly. "Yes," I murmur with a smile pulling across my face.

His eyes narrow in on my smile and at the sight of mine one pulls across his. Genuine, bright, and breathtakingly perfect. "Fine," he relents.

I bite at the inside of my cheek before asking the next question, because I'm afraid I'll step on his toes and cross an unspoken line with him. But we push each other, that's what we do in this twisted relationship. So I ask away. "Do you drink a lot all the time?" I question. "Like all year long," I state simplifying my words.

Clayton's silent for a few long heartbeats. "I do," he finally answers. "Though it intensifies around this time of the year...around her anniversary," he tells me. His words come out hard and tense, like they usually do whenever he mentions Scarlett to me. But I'll take it, because at least he's talking to me and not keeping everything bottled inside anymore. Neither of us are. We are communicating, even if just with each other, it's a start.

My hand flattens on his chest, above his heart. "I'm sorry," I say honestly. I know it was a hard question for him to answer, and a hard answer for him to come to terms with. He knows his crutch is drinking, and while he is trying he still uses it. Frequently.

"It's okay," he says letting his words rumble out. "Next question?" he pushes obviously trying to move past them.

But my next question isn't as intimate or scary. "Why do you hold your books the way you do?"

Clayton pauses visibly taken back by my question. "I don't know," he answers slowly as if he really isn't sure. "Just something I've always done, why?" he questions obviously surprised I noticed something so random about him. But what he doesn't know is that I notice everything about him. He's all I see.

I place my chin on the hand that's on his chest so I can look right at him. "My father use to hold them like that," I confide in him, telling him something I've never told anyone before. But that seems to be the case with Clayton; I bare a lot of myself to him. "And I've never seen anyone else hold a book like that," I add letting my gaze fall to his chest.

"Really?" he asks.

"Yeah, I tried once to do it because I wanted to feel closer to him but my wrist hurt so bad after a few minutes," I tell him as a laugh escapes at the memory.

"You get use to it," he states simply.

"Sure," I breathe not believing him. It's something that comes naturally to him, like he was meant to hold books that way. Just like my father. And maybe that means I was meant to meet him. Hold him. Love him.

"So that was two questions," he says as his hands come up to wrap around my waist and quickly rotate us so my back is flat against the mattress and he's hovering over me.

I reach up and let my hand cup his cheek. Letting my thumb trace over the slightly flushed skin. "It was," I acknowledge.  "Do we still have time to do what you want?" I ask as he lowers his head so his lips are barely brushing my own.

His eyes flash with desire, and something else. Something else I want to think is love, I hope is love. Because damn do I love the man above me with eyes the color of his weakness. "I don't know do we Hayley?"

I nod once. "We do Clay," I whisper saying the nickname I know will drive him crazy just as his lips meet mine.

"Hayley, Hayley!" Grayson's voice calls out from the front seat of Kylie's car pulling me from the memory of this morning.

I shake my head and focus on my friends in front of me, and less on the thoughts of Clayton's sweet touch and heated kisses from earlier. Though the memory only makes me want to daydream about him forever.

"Yeah?" I question my mind still hazy. Between staying up all night with Clayton and sneaking around I haven't had much sleep in the past few days.

"You there?" my best friend asks as worry coats her blue eyes.

I smile in reassurance. "Just zoned out for a minute," I tell her waving her off. A part of me wants to divulge everything to her about Clayton. About how he makes me feel, about how similar we are, about how much I love him it hurts. But telling someone about him will only make it real, and if it's real it can be taken away. It can hurt me more then it already will.

"So where are we going again?" I ask obviously not paying attention earlier.

"Abbiocco," Kylie answers before hitting her blinker to turn down the road.

"Of course we are," I roll my eyes teasingly.

"Hey," Grayson points at me. "I never get it, and you know it's my favorite place," she adds.

"I know, I know," I say raising my hands in the air in feign surrender.

"Plus Adela loves me, which means we will get free bellinis," she says wiggling her eyebrows.

"You had me at free," I tell her with a wink.

"You had me at alcohol," Kylie laughs.

We quickly pull up to the adorable Italian restaurant in downtown Easton and make our way inside. The smells of freshly made pasta, homemade sauces, and of course delicious garlic hit me as soon as we walk in. My mouth waters for more instantly. I came here once with Kylie earlier during the break, and the food had been amazing.

"Grayson!" an older lady shouts in excitement as soon as she spots my best friend. She scurries over and they wrap their arms around each other.

"How are you Adela?" she asks with eager eyes.

The lady smiles at her warmly and places a hand on the side of her face. "I'm wonderful, oh how I've missed you," she gushes smiling so much her eyes crinkle at the side.

Grayson places a gentle hand over Adela's. "I've missed you more."

The warm connection between the two makes me smile. Reminding me of the relationship I had with my grandmothers. Both my mother and father's mothers took me in under their wings before they passed and showed me how to live. How to love.

"All of you ladies are so lovely," Adela smiles whist clapping her hands. She's so petite but filled with this firecracker personality. She's the most adorable woman I've ever met. "Come on I have the perfect table for you all."

I slide up next to sweet older woman. "I heard you make amazing drinks," I sing lightly with a raised eyebrow.

Adela laughs as she sets down menus at a corner table surrounded by twinkling lights. The table is beyond perfect, almost too much for just a simple lunch date with friends. But as my friends sit beside me I realize that this whole moment is perfect, nothing is weighing us down, nothing is hurting us yet. In this singular moment we are happy and perfect. So I realize the lights are the addition I didn't know we needed.

"Have you been telling them my secrets?" Adela teases at Grayson.

"Of course I have," she states with a wide smile. "You're bellinis are too die for."

"Well first round is on me ladies," the woman states before leaving us to run this gorgeous restaurant.

We all settle in and begin to look over the menu when Kylie speaks. "So Hayley have you been talking to anyone lately?" she asks.

I pause at her question slightly. "Well I have a boyfriend so..." I trail sarcastically in lame attempts to move on from her words.

"Oh shut up," Grayson laughs. "But seriously I haven't heard you talk about anyone in a while," my best friend adds as if suddenly realizing my endless parade and talk of men hasn't been around lately.

"Oh, is there a secret man in your life?" Kylie asks with wide enthusiastic eyes.

Her question is beyond innocent. Something any friend of mine would ask. And yet as soon as the question hit my ears my whole body tenses up with fear, my heart sinks, and my body freezes. Because I don't know what will happen between Clayton and myself after this break is over. Most likely we will end, that's the natural progression of secret relationships.

But what would happen if everyone found out? What would that do to him to have his family see him as someone who sleeps with his brother's girlfriend?

I won't hurt him. I won't damage him with the trouble that seems to follow me everywhere. I'm a mess, but a mess he doesn't need right now.

I force a fake laugh now knowing how to answer in this moment, but as my eyes spot a familiar waiter I see my chance at a way out of this line of questioning. "You guys know me there's no secret man," I shrug them off. I quickly raise my hand as Fin makes eye contact with me.

He makes his way over with a smirk touching his lips. He definitely recognizes me from the last time I was here with Kylie, and I laid it on thick then as well.

"How can I help you beautiful ladies today?" he asks smoothly.

My grin widens like a Cheshire cat. "How about some shots to start off our day?" I suggest with a playful wink.

He blushes faintly at my obvious flirting. "Preference?" he asks.

"You choose," I tell him.

"It's literally noon Hayley," Grayson deadpans showing her disdain for my choice in liquor this afternoon. "And we have Christmas Eve dinner tonight," she adds.

"What?" I question pretending to be innocent. "It's supposed to be a girl's day, so lets have some real fun today," I say just as Fin shows back up with pinkish looking shots. "And it's one shot we will be fine by tonight," I reason.

"Fine," Grayson murmurs at the small glass in front of her.

"Thank you," I beam at the waiter before lifting my glass in the air.

Grayson and Kylie quickly follow, and all questions of my relationships wipe away as we gulp down the fruity alcohol. But as I set my glass down I can see my best friend eyeing me, knowing something is up.

Because like she said before, she knows me, she sees me. But can she see what awful thing I've down this time?

Falling for a man who thinks I'm dating his brother.

Loving a broken man when my own life is in shambles.

But my best friend doesn't ask any questions even though I can see them plain as day in her blue eyes. She lets this moment live with the pretty lights and the free drinks and the amazing food.

She lets this moment be what it needs to be as if she too knows I need this slice of perfection before everything falls to pieces around us.