12/23/16

"YOU DIDN'T TELL Cale, did you?" I ask Grayson hesitantly. He's her boyfriend, the love of her life, she tells him everything. But did she tell him about my fake relationship with his younger brother?

Her eyes drop to her lap. We are sitting on the bed in Cale's old room where they are both staying for the next few days. "No," she states, but I can tell she isn't happy about that answer. "I don't ever lie to him, it's something we don't do after everything went down between us," she explains. "But he doesn't know," she adds lifting her bright blue eyes to meet mine.

A wave of relief crashes upon me at the fact that Cale doesn't know about the fake relationship between his brother and me. But then another wave hits me out of nowhere, and it's guilt, and it hits hard. Guilt rises up within me until I feel like I might overflow, because I'm making my best friend lie to her boyfriend. I'm lying to wonderful parents. I'm lying to Clayton, to myself. I'm woven into a whole web of lies, and I can't seem to untangle myself.

"Thank you," I mumble out the appreciation, though the words only fuel the shame growing within me.

"It's not my place," Grayson shrugs. "While I still think it's stupid I understand why you did what you did, you're an amazing friend Hayley," she tells me, a small smile lifting her lips.

I don't feel like one though, I feel absolutely shitty. "Was Cale surprised?" I ask moving the conversation away from myself.

A dry chuckle escapes Grayson. "I would say so," she drawls. "I just don't think he ever expected the two of you together, he always just saw you as my friend," she explains.

"Yeah, the crazy partying slut," I say tersely. I don't hate Cale; he loves my best friend in the way she deserves and more. But I also know he thinks I'm this wild partier, who never takes life seriously. And he's right to an extent that is the persona that I put on every single day. But it's also filled with so many lies, and hiding so many parts of me that want to push through. That have been breaking through finally, cracking the surface of the facade that haunts me.

"Hayley," Grayson says sternly. "He never said that—"

"He thinks it," I murmur out cutting her words off.

Grayson sighs slightly. "He knows how important you are to me. That when I was lost and broken you were the only one there for me, who saw me, who understood me," she says tears pricking her sea blue eyes. "People might not get you Hayley, but I do, I understand the pain and the struggle."

"Do you?" I question a bit rudely letting bitterness explode on my tongue.

She shakes her head. "Forgiving Cale and starting a relationship with him hasn't fixed me Hayley. Cale is amazing and I love him so much, but I fixed me, not him," she voices, the words breaking off slightly at the end. Her words are full of thick and evident emotion. "Things are far from perfect between us, we still fight, and we still want to use past actions to blame one another," she tells me.

"How do you do it?" I ask. "How do you move on from all the shit? I want to, but sometimes it feels like it may suffocate me," I admit openly.

"I wish I knew the right answer to give you, but I don't," she confesses. "For me I had to learn that no matter what happens no one can define my happiness, not even Cale. I love him more than anything, but if I put everything into him and something happens to our relationship, where would I be? Right back at the beginning," she says exposing her heart. Showing me all the parts of her that may seem perfect to everyone else, but are still bruised and cracked. Because time can heal, love can heal, but only true acceptance of one self can really heal.

"You put yourself first," I state slowly, starting to understand my best friend and how she became a better person.

"I did," she nods in agreement. "For months I forced the slow start knowing that we needed this time to grow, and where we are now is amazing, but it takes work," she says with a small shrug.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, hating the way I snapped at my best friend earlier. I've never been the person who yells at my friends, or keeps my emotions on edge. But at the same time I'm happy I'm even acknowledging the feelings that run through my veins and make my heart pump faster.

Grayson's hand reaches out to squeeze my own. "Don't ever apologize for anything," she states fiercely.

"When did you become so wise?" I question with a faint smile painting my lips.

"Because I have a kickass best friend who taught me to speak up, to stand out, and take what's mine even when it isn't easy," she tells me with a wink.

"I didn't teach you that," I say quietly shaking my head.

"You did," she disputes immediately. "You are fearlessly strong Hayley, you may not see it, but the fire that burns within you is beautiful. And I never want you to change that, no matter what happens in life you have that."

"I love you," I say to my best friend.

"Not as much as I love you," she responds right away with another squeeze.

* * * * *

"Where do these go?" I ask Mrs. Hasting holding up two rather large ornate vintage nutcrackers. The whole house is abuzz with decorators and caterers setting up for the Christmas party only a couple days away. The Hasting holiday party is a huge deal in Easton, and the whole house gets transformed into an elaborate black tie event.

"Either side of the mantle above the fireplace," she directs easily. The Hasting house for Christmas is filled with simple yet festive decorations that easily blend with the additional decorations that are added for the party. The entire house mixed with the warm feeling of cozy and classy all at once.

I nod at her instruction and place them there tweaking their positions slightly. Everyone is helping unpack the few family heirlooms that have been passed down through the years. Every piece is elaborate in it's own way, and absolutely breathtaking.

A quiet deep voice rings out next to me causing me to jump in surprise. "Are you excited for the party?" Clayton breathes as he arranges the fresh garland on the mantle next to me. The many voices of his family, the staff, and the light holiday music fill the air making it easy for Clayton to speak to me unnoticed.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever been to something so fancy before," I divulge as a faint embarrassed blush coats my neck. The nervousness filling me from the nearness of Clayton, his proximity always making me feel on edge, and with the thought of this event only mere days away.

"You'll fit right in," he assures me with a small smile. A smile that hits my heart and warms my whole body all at once at the smile he rarely shows but I love like nothing else.

I shrug and focus on rearranging the fresh garland around the large fireplace. My fingers trying to stay busy in attempts to calm my racing pulse. "Maybe, I just hope my dress is okay," I say.

"You'll look gorgeous," he whispers under his breath assuredly. The sweet words making my heart beat faster, and I have to quickly push aside the urge to jump him in front of his family.

"You haven't even seen the dress," I tell him with a pointed look though a playful smirk also pulls at my lips.

His honeyed eyes rake over me, darkening just the slightest as they land on his favorite parts of my body. Parts he just touched a few hours ago, parts that now ache to have his hands on me again. "You'd look good in anything," he voices, his voice deep and gravely.

I roll my eyes though my body is buzzing with an energy that I know Clayton can feel radiating off me. "Sure," I whisper.

"Though I do prefer you naked," he murmurs reaching over me, looking innocent with the lights in his hand weaving them through the garland. Though the way his lips caress the shell of my ear is anything but. The way his chest grazes my back makes my body shake, and my breath tremble at the way his body leans into mine. I swallow in attempts to wet my suddenly dry throat.

"Clayton," I try to chastise though it comes out more breathy and needy.

"Yes, Hayley," he teases mimicking my tone.

My eyes flit around the room hoping no one heard his words. Thankfully my wandering gaze takes in everyone busily decorating and singing along to the Christmas music that plays gently in the background. No one the wiser to Clayton whispering dirty words in my ear, to his body teasing mine, his fingers hovering, and his breath heating me in ways that shouldn't be done around his family.

I open my mouth to say something when Mr. Hasting's booming voice interrupts my thoughts. "Finally!" he exclaims. My eyes follow his line of sight to see a tall man walk into the room. "Good to see you son," he says before hugging whom I'm assuming is his eldest.

Colt Hasting.

Mrs. Hasting runs over giving her son a huge hug. "Why do you always have to show up so late every single year," she lectures lightheartedly.

"I'm never late," his smooth voice calls out.

Clayton takes a step away from me at his brother's entrance, creating a more appropriate space between the two of us. I fidget with the decorations for a moment before openly taking in the Hasting I have yet to meet.

He's tall just like every other Hasting male. But brown hair is a tad darker than his brother's, as well as his eyes. The dark stubble across his jaw only adds to the air of mystery that seems to surround him. He's the darker and more devilish brother. He's handsome, very handsome if I do admit. He's almost scary with this look about him like he can eat me up and spit me out, but at the same time I would enjoy every minute of it.

Chase, Cale, and Clayton all make their way over to their older brother giving meager hugs and handshakes. I knew none of them were abundantly close to the eldest Hasting boy, but this just highlighted how much they rarely speak to him.

"You remember Grayson?" Cale questions his brother while motioning to his girlfriend.

"Did you dye your hair?" he asks my best friend. Her face scrunches in confusion at his words. "I thought she was a brunette?" he asks his brother now with a slight tilt of his head.

I place a hand over my lips to hide the gasp that wants to fall out. Cale's face reddens with obvious anger, as Grayson's drops with a small shake. "That's my sister you're remembering," she states eloquently before her boyfriend can snap at his brother.

"Oh," he exhales. "So sorry," he apologizes though a smirk touches his lips.

"I'm sure you are," Cale mumbles under his breath not so quietly as he makes his way over to Grayson.

I've only heard a few stories here and there about the eldest Hasting son. But they seem to all be true in this moment. Likes to make an entrance, complete asshole, and extremely good looking. He's the type of selfish douche that no too long ago would make my knees weak. But now, while I can appreciate his looks, the only man who makes my knees weak stands beside him with his eyes locked on me.

"And who would this be?" Colt's voice pulls my attention away from Clayton as I flicker my eyes over to see Colt take a few steps towards me.

I open my mouth to answer, but before words can leave Chase's arm is sliding around my waist. "Hayley, my girlfriend," his words flow out and almost catch me off guard. I don't know why though, he's been referring to me as that now for weeks. But now, now my heart sinks as my eyes land on Clayton. 

His head is dropped and he's angled himself away from everyone. Our stolen moments, when it's just us, it's as if nothing else exists. So for those few hours we can just be ourselves, Hayley and Clayton, just us. Not broken. Not touched by death in irreversible ways. Not Chase's girlfriend, and Chase's older brother.

Just us.

But now as Chase's arm wraps around me, I feel as if it's ivy tightening around me in a way that's almost suffocating. I want to push it off and run to Clayton and tell him the truth, but my feet stay put and let the man I love hurt just a few steps away from me.

"Really?" Colt questions pulling me back to him. "You're dating Chase?" he pushes as if not convinced.

I nod once. "Yeah," I breathe, but I know the word doesn't match the conflict raging in my pale green eyes.

"Well, okay," he shrugs faintly as if answering unspoken questions in his head. "Nice to meet you," he says while offering his hand for a shake.

I gently place my hand in his and shake the large slightly calloused hand. "Nice to meet you too," I respond with a small smile.

His hand lingers in mine for just a second before pulling away, his eyes quickly sizing me up, his expression filling with the many questions I know are on the tip of his tongue. But he doesn't ask any of them. Instead he goes to his father and helps him begin to unload the high top tables that just arrived from the caterer.

Everyone disperse slowly and begins to resume the decorating and unpacking of priceless valuables.

And as Chase keeps close, Clayton keeps his distance. The once flirty banter gone, the faint smile gone. All replaced by an emotionless face, and drink in his hand.

But my mind keeps going back to Colt, and the way he reacted to me being Chase's girlfriend. A part of me wonders if he knows. If he knows the truth Chase keeps hidden inside.

And if he can see the truth, can anyone else? Will he tell someone? Are all the lies that we've told and tangled all going to come crashing down?