I'm not ok...

I've just broke down into tears  muttering about something but I must've blanked out after... I don't remember much apart from my now tear stained bed, pillow and fresh cuts and scratches on my left arm... at least I'm wearing a hoodie tomorrow so they won't be able to see...

I... I cried about my depression... about how I know they don't notice.... everyone thinks I'm 'fine'. That because I'm the oldest child I'm independent and can look after myself.... I'm non of them things... I'm a useless fucking bitch that needs to die...

I cried for them... my parents and siblings... when my parents die, I'll have to look after my siblings... I'll be expected to get over it quickly, to support my family... I can hardly take care of them now, how do they think I'll change... I won't... because I'm pathetic and need help but I can't ask for help...

I cried for my grandpa... he died when I was eight and people think I don't remember him... I do... I want him back... I want someone, anyone, to hold me close and tell me everything's  ok... but I know it'll never happen...

...

I want my brother from another mother to hold me close and protect me...

...

I want to be free from this world and happy...