How long can we last?

"Squad Leader [Last Name]!"

You turned around and met a few cadets running to you which you recognized as Connie, Sasha, and Eren. You waited as they caught their breath patiently before asked, "Do you need something?"

They exchanged glanced before Sasha speaks, "Umm... Could you please pursuaded the Corporal to lessen our punishment a little bit?"

"What did you do that made him punished you?"

"Well..." they fidgeting at their spot, avoiding eye contacts with you. You sigh internally seeing their response. This's the billionth times the cadets comes to you and ask the same thing, to lessen the punishment Levi gave them.

"Listen, kids, i can more or less guess what happened but why do you think he'll listen to me if i decided to help you out?" they exchanges glance before connie softly whisper, "because... you're dating him?" You stared at him with blank expression for some time untill it gets uncomfortable.

"Dating, huh?" you stated. Seeing your expression changed, they quickly apologized and excuse themself, afraid to get to your bad side and giving you an excuse to punish them even more. As their backs dissapeared from your sight, you continue your tracks towards Levi's office.

This unhealthy obsession i held won't just dissapear into thin air.

"What happened?" He stated rather than asking when you arrived to bring his paperworks. You look at his working figure intensely for a minute before he raise his head and looking right into your eyes, silently demanding you to spill wathever it is in your mind. You simply shook your head and turned around to left him but he grab your wrist then move around from his desk to you.

"Spill." He demanded. You look up at his dark eyes for a moment before slowly resting your head to his shoulder. He stay still, not pushing you away but do nothing to comfort you either. After a few minutes, you pulled back from him and softly caress his cheek. He caught your chin and kiss your lips. Harsh and deep.

Knocks heard and then someone calling you. He parted with you and back to his desk as if nothing happened. You opened his door and face Akia, your assistant. You decided to left together with her rather than asking her to go ahead like you usually did. She complied but can't hide her confused gaze.

"Is something wrong?" She asked. You just shook your head as a reply.

"I thought you had a fight with Corporal," She continue, "since it's rare for you to left immediately when i come to pick you up."

"It's nothing. I just feel like leaving him alone." You said, your mind starts wandering aimlessly like usual when someone talks to you about Levi.

"I see. Well, if you decided to see him later, i can tell Squad Leader Hanji for you."

"It's okay. I don't have any bussines with him anyways." She look at you, confused. You ignored her and keep silent as your mind are elsewhere.

'Dating him... huh?'

***

That night, you headed straight to your room. Usually, you'll check on Levi as you past his office when you're about to retire for the night, but just for today, you don't feel like seeing him for the moment. Even though you sure he'll come to your bedroom later if you didn't show up.

As if on cue, you heard your office's door opened, locked, then quick steps getting closer. Next, your bedroom's door slammed opened. You're in the middle of changing actually, but you know the person behind you doesn't even care. You're about to take off your already unbutton shirt when he grabbed your shoulder and turned you around to face him.

"Why didn't you come?" Levi asked. His voice is low and deep, indicating his fury. You just shook your head and try to shove his hands away but he pulled you even closer to him. You put your hands on his chest snd softly pushed him away but he stop you.

"Don't you dare." He warned. You sigh, giving up to parted.

"I'm just tired." You answered his question earlier. It's true you're tired but it's not the reason you avoided him. And he knew it exactly.

"Those brats bothering you again?"

"They aren't a bother. It's just..." Your lowered your head, can't mustered the courage to hear your own words. Levi lift your chin, forcing you to look at him as he stares back at your eyes with his dark ones. Oh, how you want to drown in those deep and dark pools.

He slowly pushed you backward towards your bed. You closed your eyes as your body touched the soft matress, letting him guide your body to the way you both know the best. You can't helped but recalled the things happened that morning as his hands moving around your body.

"Because...you're dating him?"

"I thought you had a fight with Corporal."

Your mind sunken even deeper to the darkness of your own thought. As if realizing it, Levi pulled your bared body towards his, kissing your ear and whisper, "Remember, you're mine." You returns the hug, scratching his back as if trying to ease your pain. Tears escaped from your eyes and you cried silently.

"Please, don't go anywhere." You pleaded desperately. He ignored you, decided to harshly forcing you become one with him as his answer.

There's nothing left in me beside clinging to the sick relationship we built over the regret we felt that day

***

Next day, you and Levi continue your days as if nothing happened. He still punishing the cadets over everything and later they'll come to you with hope to lessen their punishment.

Times went by as months passed. You and Levi are barely talks anymore. Yet, you and him almost never held any casual conversation to begin with. At certain moment, you even wonder if he's still care if you there or not. But you knew best, he'll lose himself if you gone, just as much as you will if he no longer around.

"Squad Leader, Corporal is looking for you." Akia said from the door, waiting if you want to went there together or catch up later. You asked her to wait outside for a moment and leaned back, wondering for how much longer you and him will have to keep this facade. You cast aside your thought and left your room to meet Levi before he decided to pick you up himself.

"Should i pick you up later? You have to watch the training in the afternoon." Akia asked, looking through you schedules.

"It's okay, i'll go with him later."

"I see. Then i'll assist Squad Leader Hanji for the mean time. Please notify me if you need something."

"Sure."

"Oh, how i envy you, Squad Leader, to have such a great man like Corporal to be your partner."

You glanced at her, her head is now in the cloud as she imagining you and Levi together in a lovely moment you shared behind his door. You smile at her, say no words for granted nor denial.

'If only you know the truth. I wonder what kind of face you'll make when you find out.'

***

You spent another night at Levi's bedroom, don't have the energy to went back to your own. You rest your head on his chest with his hand securing your waist. Your mind wandered back to the past, to the painful memory which yet to dissapear.

"Don't." Levi spoke to you, know it perfectly what you've been thinking. You can't stop, though. Just like he himself can't get rid his own. You move up to kiss his lips, wordlessly demanding him to make you forget. He complied immediately as he knew there's no other way.

"I don't want to leave." You whispered. Your mind went back to the day when you were forced to parted with him, the day when he lose the only companion he had for the sake of a certain event that yet to be happen.

"I won't let you leave." He replied, recalling the day when he watched you being snatched away from his grip, desperately trying to take you back from the chain called fate.

"You're mine." He whispered again, claiming you using the only way available without fear being interrupted. You nodded, looking at him longingly. He want you as much as you want him, and there's no words can describe the desires you held towards each other.

"But it's painful." You said, tears escaping your eyes.

"It's the proof we're alive." He replied with hollow.

It breaks your heart seeing him in that state, but you and him made your choice. At least, despite this unhealthy affair, you are within his reach and vice versa.

"I..." you lost your words, not knowing the right way to express your feelings as there's no term in this world can describe your undying love for him.

"I know, don't push yourself." He said calming your nerves. He knew about your feelings since long ago just like you knew about his. And he knew perfectly how it stuck in your throat, waiting to be released, yet, there were no words to describe it.

But questions appears.

Do you own his love when you aren't even lovers?

Are you sure his bottomless obsession isn't just physical?

"Is this okay, Levi?"

"What is?"

"This... sick relationship we have, I can't even tell my point of being here anymore." You pushed him away and sat up, hiding your flowing tears in your palms and sobbing painfully. He shifted around, pulling you backwards to his chest and hugging you from behind, making you cry even louder.

"I can't hold it anymore. I love you so much I'm dying. But then again, am I worth it, Levi? Am I worth your love, your attention and obsession, your protection and care, am I worth it? Am I really allowed to have that when all I feel is this painful devotion to you?"

He took your hands and placed his on your face and kissed your shoulder blade lovingly.

"Then answer me. Am I worth your love and your painful devotion as you call it? Am I worth your tears?"

You didn't answer, crying your eyes out in his arms. You didn't have to think about the answer as everything is so obvious and your stupid doubts are useless. Still, he said no words as if waiting for your answer and knew you can't reply unless you calmed down. So he waits, waits for you to dry your tears that streamed down your face.

As you calmed down, he turned your body to face him and slowly wiped the tears left in the corner of your eyes. He looks at you, staring exactly at your soul behind your mask.

"Am I worth the tears you've shed?" He asked again. You stared at him longingly for a moment before nodding. He smiled, a genuine smile, and pulled you to his arms. You rested your head on his chest and close your eyes, inhaling his masculine scent you knew the best.

Negative thoughts surpassed again but you ignored them. You have him now despite being no lovers. After all, as long as he's yours and only yours, a mere title doesn't matter.

Pain and sorrow i carry until today is no longer physical. It carved into my heart and soul, and there's no pain or wound can rivaled it's bitterness