I was giving more thought to the post traumatic stress symptoms I've had and I thought it would help you with diagnosing me if I told you more details from my past that have left last effects on me.

Soon after I turned ten I was introduced by a friend to an older boy who was thirteen. Since we had a mutual interest in video games he said I should come round one time so we could play together.

When I went round his house at the weekend we had his house to ourselves. Midway into our gaming session he paused the game and made us a drink, he insisted I try vodka and coke. I drank enough to get tipsy and giggly and I felt so grown up. He gave me mints to cover the smell of my breath and sent me home.

The next weekend this time he got me drunk and when he paused the game I was too intoxicated to react and before I knew it he was pinning me down and dry humping me. I froze up and waited till he came, he went to the bathroom to clean himself up and then he sent me home again.

Over the next three years he would get me drunk and be sexual with me in various ways. Everyone at school told me I was so cool for drinking with an older boy, however inside I felt bad for not enjoying it, I didn't understand why I didn't. As time went on these feelings only worsened as I realised what I happened was molestation only recently, after years of trying to repress and deny it as teenage hormones-I realised the video games and alcohol was grooming and him forcing me into sexual situations was sexual abuse.

To this day I have vivid memories and nightmares to the events whenever I happen to think about the video games we played together that make it real and acutely painful all over again, as I want to shout at myself to go home and tell my parents an older boy was taking advantage of me. But instead I'm forced to relive all I was forced to endure and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Whenever I smell vodka I feel how dirty and lonely I felt, same for honey as he used to make me hot chocolates with honey. It makes me want to run away, to escape it all, my heart will race and palpitate and I feel sick and like the whole room is spinning as if I'm back with him getting me drunk.

I constantly relive that boy's abuse. For awhile I couldn't play video games or drink coke. I couldn't be near the dog breed he owned. I constantly torture myself with all the what if's: what if I had never gone to his house? What if had gone home when he took out the vodka? What if I had fought back? What if I had told my parents and his parents what he was doing? What if I had friends who saw I was being groomed instead of thinking it was so cool? What if I had said no to him?

It's almost as if I'm in limbo or purgatory. Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to live with these memories? Why me?

Once I hit thirteen and started puberty the boy dropped me as I had grown out of his age of attraction. At the time I didn't know how to feel, I felt like I lost a friend and I would never recover. Over time, especially once I sobered up, I started to realise the full extent of what he done to me. It's only recently I've come to accept I was groomed and abused for three years-and so think why I endured Ashley drugging and abusing me was because it was normal for me.

The other thing I don't think I told you was I was raped at Chelmer ward by a dementia induced psychosis patient.

She was hyper sexual due to her dementia, she would strip and masturbate in front of us regularly.

She also had a disturbed streak. She would hoard knives and throw them at us, grab as by our faces and hold our faces inches apart and tell us she was going to kill us in our smell. I can still smell her rancid breath. She would force our hands down her underwear, all these things the staff ignored and treated as a joke.

So when she cornered me on my way back to my room I froze like I done with the boy and the man in rehab, hoping if I didn't fight back it would be over sooner. Besides it was apparent the staff didn't care, us patients were the only ones looking out for one another.

She forced herself on me, stripping herself down to her nappy and forcing a knife inside of me before holding it to my throat and saying she'd kill me and I genuinely thought she was going to stab me to death.

After this incident I immediately went to my bedroom and cried myself to sleep, the next morning I took lorazepam to try and block it out and went out for a fag with the other patients, however I felt so violated and broken I just wanted to forget it.

I believe after I was discharged I went back in soon under a section and had to be restrained and rapidly tranquillised a lot, I know the term is vague but I believe I had a complete breakdown.

After this I refused to use knives, as holding a knife made me feel fearful and like a coward as I wished I could've fought back. It dredged everything back up. If I went awhile without brushing my teeth the smell would make me dissociate to the point where I was completely mute, numb and severed from reality just like I had felt while she raped me.

I sedated myself with opiates and alcohol to suppress my feelings, till another time I was sectioned in Basildon and I met her again. Being around her I would have panic attacks, I refused to be alone with her and would lie with my keys in my fish as I failed to sleep due to be being forced to be on alert to protect myself.

When me and a few other patients, her included, went out for a day I thought about tackling her to the floor and driving the lit end into her eye. She was dangerous, like a rabid dog, and needed putting down. But I didn't do it, not wanting to have a prison sentence for inflicting harm.

I carry her abuse within me at all times. She's the main reason I could never stay sober for long because all the memories, nightmares and dissociation would flood back. I can't have people touch me because I flinch and freeze and immediately my anxiety goes through the roof.

After her I also began to get stomach aches and headaches more frequently and self harm more severely. I would do and take anything to escape her. She made me feel so weak and powerless and those emotions are still raw within me.

I'm not sure whether I have ptsd or not but I thought you should know the full picture to help you diagnose me with ptsd if it applies to me. I want to get better, and if I could get some kind of trauma counselling or something like that I believe I could help me process the abuse. I know I'll never fully move on but I believe I can learn to live with it.

I just want to set my mind free of the pain of being so paranoid, on edge, insomniac from nightmares and constant memories that reduce me to a victim when I want to be a survivor.