I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm sure I don't like him. But I long for his touch. I long for his hand to warm my cold hand. I want his arms to pull me into an embracing hug. I want him to understand how I feel when it comes to him.

When I'm with him, I'm vulnerable. I always give into him. No matter how hard I try, I can never say no to him. Recently, I've accepted my fate. I've accepted the fact that he isn't the guy I want him to be. If I were to be standing on the right side of him and his other friends were standing on the left side of him, he would forget that I was even standing there. Honestly, I think it will always hurt me, but it is what it is.

Now, whenever I look at him, I have this scared expression on my face because I am scared. I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of myself. I know I will give in. I'll do anything to have the type of friendship we had in the past. But that isn't going to happen. That's why I'm scared of myself. I'm trying to become stronger when I'm around him, but that comes out in the form of anger. I'm scared that I'll get so angry that he'll leave and then I'll give in.

I know it makes no sense. I know I sound stupid. But I'm trying so hard to get away, that I'm not able to. He's a part of my past. He's extremely attached to my past, and I don't like that part of my past because it haunts me. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like a pariah in my own house. All I can do is just cut him out of my life, but when I attempt to do so, all I think about is him.

    These thoughts that I have are lethal. They'll kill me one day. Until then, I just have to try my best to get rid of them.