"Under the morning view I look at you and see the stranger, the complete danger of loving you." ― Shann Tajiah

"He was gorgeous, sexy, compelling. But he was lethal. Deadly. Frightening." ― Rie Warren

"You call it madness, but I call it love." ― Don Byas

„And you can see my heart, beating
You can see it through my chest
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger"

- Russian roulette – Rihanna

Chapter 39

"What about this dress?" I asked Emma as soon as I got out of the changing room.

We were in our favorite boutique looking for the perfect dress. Mateo had told me a couple of days ago that he had been planning a surprise for that evening and that I should make myself look pretty. I was curious about what he had in mind, but he didn't want to reveal it. However, he did tell me to wear something elegant. I used that as an excuse to invite my friends to hang out, considering that we have been quite distant lately.

Emma was looking at me thoughtfully. The dress I chose was fiery red. Long and tight, with a deep cut on my left leg and spaghetti straps. It completely hugged my figure. The silk material was like heaven for my skin, and the open back made me look like a real seductress.

"Have you put on some weight?" She asked me after some time.

"Probably, I think so too. Do I look bad?" I turned to the big mirror and started to examine my body. It seemed like I had a little fat on my stomach that I hadn't paid much attention to before, however after Emma pointed it out, I was starting to become more and more aware of it. I stared at my body in displeasure. Suddenly, my mood made a one hundred and eighty degrees change. My face was sullen and it was only a matter of time before I burst down into tears.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" Lena came up to me and gently touched my arm. I didn't respond.

"I think it's my fault," Emma murmured. "I pointed out that she had gained a few pounds."

"Emma!" Sarah shouted at her. "Can you sometimes think before you say something?"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry."

Emma kept on apologizing, but her voice sounded like an echo as if she was somewhere far away. I barely noticed when Lena pulled me by the elbow and took me outside. I was brought back to reality by a chilling breeze brushing past my bare arms. Confused, I looked at her and then around me, trying to understand what had happened in those brief moments when I was dissociating from reality.

There was no one around us, even Sarah and Emma stayed inside. There were almost no passers-by, which was unusual for this part of the city, which is otherwise very busy. The earlier sunlit area was now covered with dark clouds. The weather was gloomy. It looked like it was going to rain.

"T, don't you dare work yourself up over that," Lena practically threatened me, and I finally turned my gaze to her.

"Do you think I'm ugly?" I asked honestly, tears on the verge of storming down my face." I didn't understand why I had become so sensitive, but I could not control myself either.

"Of course not. You are hot and drop-dead gorgeous. Ignore Emma, you know she has no filter."

"The fact that someone doesn't have a filter usually means they're telling the truth," I muttered.

"Do you hear yourself? You are the first to tell women, no matter the body type, how beautiful they are. And you don't do that because it's the right thing to do, but because you really believe that any woman is perfect. Honestly, I've been wondering for a long time now how you didn't end up in prison considering how many times you stopped strangers in the street to tell them, and I quote, how fucking stunning they are."

"I know, I do believe that," I looked down.

"So what's the problem?" She asked, lifting my jaw with her fingers so she could see me better.

"Don't do that, Sarah is going to be jealous," I tried to change the topic and make a joke, but she didn't find it funny

"Tara!" She raised her voice, a little annoyed.

"What do you want me to tell you, Lena?" I was getting annoyed now. I felt so bad for literally nothing that I just wanted to go home, curl up in bed, and cry.

"I don't know, Tara, maybe something that is fucking happening in your life!" She shouted so loudly that I visibly flinched. I didn't answer her but she noticed my reflex movement and laughed without any trace of humor. "Do you see yourself? You have become someone who's frightened all the time, like a rabbit, even the little things can scare you."

"It's not little things when you yell at me," I replied, but my voice was not as strong as I hoped.

"Your boyfriend-" the word felt like venom on her tongue as if she was disgusted. "He beat you up, and I see you two are still together."

"He didn't beat me up, he just-" she interrupted me before I could finish the sentence.

"Do you fucking hear yourself?!" she asked me in disbelief, although, seeing how loud she was shouting, it was hard to tell if it was a question at all. "You can't change him, Tara, people don't change."

"He... treats me better." The argument agitated me so much that I was slowly running out of energy. I just wanted her to leave me alone, for everyone to leave me alone. I wanted to disappear.

"Does he?" She laughed sarcastically. "I don't know who you're lying to, Tara, at this point, me or yourself. He treats you better? Of course he does. The question is till when."

"But-" I tried to say something, not even knowing what, but she interrupted me again.

"Where's that girl from before we fucking went to that damn club? That happy, sarcastic, smiling girl who was full of life? Where is she, Tara?" She got closer to my face so much I started to breathe hard. "Or the girl who cried on my shoulder, dripping wet, just a few months ago? Lie to someone who didn't comfort you after he hit you, Tara, not me."

I kept quiet. I was too concentrated on my breathing. I was suffocating, I felt awful. Tears clouded my eyes. I wanted to leave. I wanted to disappear.

"What, you have nothing to say?" She insisted, trying to provoke me to the very end.

"You don't understand..." I trailed off, taking a deep breath.

"Of course-" She started shouting again, but this time she was the one who was interrupted.

"Get away from her right now!" I jumped when I heard Mateo's deep voice.

His inked arm grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back, hiding me behind his body. Judging by his stiff, tensed shoulders, he was livid, ready to kill. I wasn't able to see his face, but even I could feel the intensity of his burning gaze.

Lena was not immune. Although she tried to look strong, her fragile build versus his huge one was enough to make her blood run cold. However, she somehow managed to gather strength and raise her head, shooting him a dirty look. I wanted to praise her for her courage, but that was most likely madness instead, she spent too much time with Sarah.

"You're the last one who has the right to say that," she spat venomously.

Mateo's body tensed even more and his hand moved slightly forward. Noticing that, I reacted quickly and grabbed him by it. He looked at me. The tension eased briefly but returned in full force the moment he turned to my friend.

"If you don't shut up right now-" he started threatening her, but she interrupted him.

"What? You'll hit me too?" She raised an eyebrow.

I gasped in disbelief when I heard her words. However, I did not have time to process the information since I had to react as quickly as possible. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah and Emma coming out of the boutique and moving in our direction. They heard, I was sure of it, but it didn't matter.

I jumped in front of him to stop him from attacking Lena. He looked at me in anger and annoyance and tried to push me aside, but I wouldn't budge. I hugged him tightly around the waist to distract him somehow. His heart was beating like crazy. I was afraid of the outcome of this clash.

"You are lucky she's here. Too fucking lucky," he spat, looking her in the eye. His voice was icy, it made me shiver. My fear became far greater. "But don't worry, luck comes and goes."

It was a threat, he made it perfectly clear. And what he was best at was fulfilling his threats.

"Let's go," he ordered me, not taking his cold gaze away from my friend.

I was afraid to take my hands off him. I was scared for Lena. I had to stop him from hurting her at all costs. I didn't know how, but it didn't matter. I had to get him away from her, no matter what.

"Don't you dare listen to him, Tara!" Sarah's angry voice came from behind me. I tightened my grip on Mateo. I was feeling like I was standing between two fires.

"Who do you think you are?!" Mateo bellowed and wrapped his arms around my body.

"Why didn't you tell us, T?" Emma's quiet voice broke through the tense barrier. Although I couldn't see her, I was sure of one thing - she was crying.

"I said let's go, Tara," Mateo repeated much sharper than the first time. "You'll never see them again."

This time he didn't wait for me to move. He picked me up as if I weighed nothing. He turned around and just as he headed for the car, Lena's quiet voice made him stop dead in his tracks.

"You don't have to do that, T, we will find a solution together. There are other options, there always is."

I looked at Emma. She was shaking and on the verge of collapsing. She wanted to help me, that much was obvious. She wanted to protect me, but she didn't know how. I could only imagine the thoughts running through her head. Shedding bitter tears, she held Sarah, who tried to break free and ran in our direction to take me away from Mateo and teach me a lesson. Even her eyes were glossy. She was someone who never cried, but it seemed like there was a first time for everything.

Finally, I shifted my gaze to Lena. Her eyes were dull, almost defeated. They clung to the last thread of hope that shone in them. It was obvious that only then did she realize the truth, the gravity of the feelings I was feeling, the gravity of the situation I was in. She regretted not taking me away from him, not helping me. She thought she had let me down as a friend. I didn't want her to feel that way, neither one of them. They didn't deserve it, they were too precious.

I tried to tell her with my eyes what I couldn't say with words. She was wrong, there was no other option, no way out, no other solution. I was trapped and maybe I didn't want to be free. I looked at her with eyes full of tears. I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to tell her I love you. I wanted to say goodbye.

-

Mateo did buy me a dress in the end. Magnificently white, long-sleeved with a deep cut that revealed my collarbone, it looked like it was made for me. It was rather long which was not unusual considering it was Mateo's choice. However, it was quite difficult to walk in it, having in mind that it dragged on the floor even in heels.

I looked at myself in the body-length mirror. My hair was curled and I allowed it to fall freely, I had, which was extremely uncharacteristic for me, a minimal make-up on that looked solemn. My face was beautiful, it was arresting as usual, but still, there was something different, there was a void in my eyes, so much emptiness.

What happened to me? I couldn't help but wonder. Lena's words from this morning kept running through my head. Really, what happened to me? My emotions were all around the place. I was happy then right after I became sad, I was strong, then weak, I opposed everything and everything, and then I allowed myself to be controlled. What happened? Where did I disappear? At what point did I become this person? I was beautiful, as much as Emma's comment hit me, I knew I was beautiful, and yet, it felt like it wasn't enough.

I didn't want to think about it, but I knew I had lost them. The girls who were there for me through the thick and thin would no longer be in my life and it was no one's fault but mine. I knew they would be there even after everything if I asked them to, but I couldn't face them anymore. I hid so much from them, lied to them, betrayed their trust. Why? Who knew, it didn't matter. My life was radically changed and that had happened months before, all that was left for me to do was look ahead.

I didn't hear Mateo enter the room I only felt his presence behind me. I looked in the mirror and saw him in it. He stood so close, so intimate as if that was the place he belonged to. He smiled and I couldn't help it so I did the same. My heart skipped a beat. He looked perfect in black, tight pants, and an equally tight, white shirt with rolled-up sleeves and the first two buttons unbuttoned which accentuated his perfect tattoos. I glanced at the left side of his chest where my name was. Something strange ran through my body.

"You're perfect, baby girl," he whispered.

I did not answer him but gave him a grateful smile. He looked down at the floor and it was only then that I saw the jewelry box he was holding. I looked at him in confusion, to which he just shook his head, with a bright gleam in his eyes.

He opened it with careful movements. I was almost blinded by what was inside. A beautiful, diamond necklace, so solemn and elegant, looked as if it was waiting for me to bring it home where it belonged. He delicately took it in his big hands and slid it to the front of my neck.

I looked in the mirror and his eyes were already on mine. There was something incredibly erotic in the intensity of our stares. He gently put the necklace around my neck, never taking his eyes off me. It went perfectly with my skin, or that's how I felt at least, and that was the only thing that mattered.

He removed his hands from my neck and placed them on my shoulders. He turned me to face him and gently cupped my cheek. He slowly brought his lips to my forehead where he left a long kiss that made my heart pound like never before. He moved away so slowly as if he didn't want to ever do that.

"I love you, forever," he whispered and moments later, disappeared from the room.

Maybe there was hope after all. I still had a person who could make what I had lost, what I had been through worth it. I still had the only person who could pull me out of the abyss. Everything depended on him, my future, my dreams, my life. The cards are on the table and it is his turn to play.

-

"Mateo, I'm going to stumble over something!" I yelled at him.

"You're not, I'm holding you."

With a blindfold and a tight dress, I couldn't really trust him. His arms were around my waist, making sure I don't actually fall and guiding me in whatever direction I should go. I was already agitated and wanted all this to end as soon as possible. I wasn't really a fan of surprises and he knew that perfectly well.

"Mateo, are we there yet?" I whined.

"Almost, love, be patient for a little longer."

"I can't, you know what I'm like," I spat.

"Unfortunately," he said and kissed me on the cheek.

"You're going to sleep on the couch tonight," I threatened.

"I'll sleep wherever you want tonight, baby girl." I couldn't see him, but I was sure he winked at me.

I didn't answer, although I didn't have to. We soon stopped and he finally removed the blindfold from my eyes. He did it sensually, his fingers gently touching my skin making me tremble. However, what I saw in front of me when I was finally able to do it, made me tremble even more.

We were at Dionis, where it had all began. However, the nightclub looked anything but. There was no one inside which made it pretty clear that he rented it. The red, dim lights made the room look intimate. The petals of red roses were scattered on the floor and most of them were in the very center of the room where they created a heart. There were large candles everywhere inside bouquets of bright red flowers and the air smelled of melted chocolate. Immediately behind the large heart made of petals was a dining table covered with a festive white and shiny silver tablecloth that reached the floor. There was a bunch of red roses in a vase on the table. A bottle of champagne and two glasses were placed right next to them. There was food on the plates that I couldn't recognize but that was definitely mouth-watering. The wall made of glass behind the table, was now completely open, letting a gentle breeze from the dark night brush past white, almost transparent curtains making them drift through the air, worshiping the starry sky with a full moon at its very center. The whole atmosphere was complemented by the quiet tones of Chopin's Nocturne Op.9 No.1. The scene was breathtaking.

"Mateo..." I whispered, out of breath.

"Don't say anything yet," he told me softly, his gentle lips touching the sensitive skin of my ears.

He took my hand carefully, delicately, and slowly pulled me forward. I didn't think, I let him do it. My thoughts were blocked. I didn't understand anything, I wasn't aware of anything. I was fascinated, bewitched. I was scared.

We stopped inside the heart, in its very center. He looked me in the eye and with his strong, masculine hand grabbed my cheek and gently caressed it with his thumb. At no point did he look away from me. His dark irises hid so much emotion, so much love. I shivered. I felt like I was going to collapse at any moment.

"Tara..." he began, taking a deep breath. "I've loved you from the first moment I saw you. That evening, in this very place, your innocent face with eyes that hid so much fire inside them... I knew right away you would be the end of me. But I was wrong. You are not the end of me, you are my beginning. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last before I fall asleep. You occupy my thoughts, my life, my dreams. You are the only thing that matters in my life, the only thing worth fighting for, and the only thing worth living for. When I see you, my heart skips a beat, my soul is complete and I feel like the strongest man alive, and when you are not with me, it is as if something is ripping my heart, like there is pressure on my chest and I cannot breathe. I love you Tara, my love, princess, baby girl. I love you so much that every moment spent without you hurts. I want you for the rest of my life. I want you forever. I want to love you. I want you to love me. I want everything with you. That is why I am asking you, as your worshiper, subject, and servant..." he paused, removing his hand from my cheek.

I knew somewhere deep inside what was going to happen, but when he finally got down on one knee and took a glamorous, bright red ring box out of his pants pocket, everything became much more realistic. Slowly, as in slow motion, he looked up and stared deep into my eyes.

"Make me the happiest man in the entire universe and marry me." His deep, masculine voice made my knees weak. He opened the box without taking his eyes off my eyes and revealed a beautiful, huge diamond ring whose glow was blinding.

My heart stopped beating. My throat was dry and my hands were shaking. I watched him intently, tears welling up in my eyes. I let out a breath. Everything seemed unreal. But still, one thing was as clear in my head as it was in my heart.

"I..." He looked at me with hope in his eyes, the hope that was a few seconds away from its own destruction. "I can't."

A/N

Whatcha think, any theories?

It's so hot here in Serbia even right now and it's 3:30 am so if I don't finish this book, I most likely died.

BTW, I published the prologue of my new story "Decadence", you can find it on my profile:

Instagram -> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx