"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal." ― Astrid Alauda

"A monster
Someone who left me in the dark
Someone who darkened me
A million times over" ― Dorothea Lasky

"I scream for everything that has gone wrong. I scream for everything broken in our lives." ― Marie Lu

"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me, and I walk alone"

- Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day

Chapter 35

I hated the sound of a default ringtone with a passion. Even that was an understatement. I despised that irritating, deafening, squeaky tone that almost every time caused me a painful headache that lasted for hours, especially if I had previously been in deep slumber, floating through a world of charm and beauty, which was most definitely the case this time. Incredibly rare were the moments when that was not a natural sequence of circumstances. The exception that proves the rule.

"Mateo, answer the phone," I ordered him half-consciously, trying to catch my dream before it was completely gone. He just muttered something incoherent and pulled my body to his.

At that very moment, my struggle with sleep ended which resulted in its victory. Annoyed, I almost pushed Mateo away from me, but I somehow restrained myself. I was afraid of the consequences the move would cause.

I knew that it was his device that kept ringing for two very simple reasons. First, I had at least that much taste to set a song that I liked as a ringtone, and second, my, with an emphasis on the word new, phone was under repair. For some reason, whenever I tried to contact a friend, I couldn't get through which got on my nerves because I had temporarily deactivated all my social media profiles in order to focus on my "mental health". It was Mateo's idea and so far it has not given promising results.

Unable to withstand the constant stabbing of my eardrums, I hit him lightly on the ribs with my elbow to get up and finally answer the call. Of course, it didn't bother him much, considering that he didn't even try to open his eyes for a second.

Finally, after a few minutes of persistent ringing, my relentless attack on his ribs did the impossible, and grumbling how I could "answer the phone on my own" he took the device in his hands and rudely answered.

It was a matter of seconds before his face changed completely. The mildly irritated, sullen expression was replaced by confusion, shock, and concern, in that order. He abruptly got out of bed and looked at me with wide-open eyes, knocking the air from every pore of my body. I looked at him in despair. He was not someone who showed emotions, nor someone who was affected by many things. Knowing that, his reaction was enough to startle me and make me think of the worst.

I put my body in a sitting position and looked at him questioningly to which he just shook his head and continued to listen to the person on the other end of the phone.

"I'll be right there," he said firmly and hung up.

At that moment, he went to the closet and started rummaging through things to find something to wear. I didn't even wait, but immediately ran to him, handed him one of the seventy black shirts he owned, and jeans, and tried once more, in a hurried voice, to get him to tell me what was wrong.

"What is going on?"

"Don't worry, I have to go out for a while," He tried to calm me down and left a gentle kiss on my forehead heading for the exit. However, he should have known me better by now.

I ran after him and went down the stairs he had previously jumped over in four steps, stopping him before he could get out of the apartment. I grabbed his forearm and, with strength I didn't believe I had, turned him around.

"Mateo, please," I looked at him with worried eyes.

He stared at me penetratingly for a few seconds, as if searching for an answer to something, then let out a breath, finally accepting defeat. He cleared his throat and brought me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my body.

"It was Leon, Hannah has complications," he muttered as if he didn't want me to hear him.

"What complications?" I asked him confusedly, my brain refusing to register his words.

"I don't know, Leon says she woke up and started screaming. Her stomach hurts unbearably. I'm not sure either, Leon couldn't even tell me properly due to his hysteria. She is in the hospital. Induced labor is a necessity at this point."

"But she isn't due for another two months!" I said in despair.

"I know, but they seem to have to," he shook his head

I was so shocked by the information I received that I could not even feel my emotions. The concern for the well-being of my friend and her baby was so great that the only thing I wanted at that moment was to somehow immediately transport myself by her side and be there for whatever she would need. I didn't even stop to think, I already knew what I had to do.

"Let's go!" I told him firmly and tried to pass by him to get out.

Why did I think I would succeed was beyond me, but exactly what was to be expected happened. Mateo grabbed me tightly around the waist and with all his strength returned me to the same place where I was standing just a few seconds ago. He looked at me angrily and pointed a finger at my body.

"You can't go dressed like that," he said dangerously, crossing his arms, unintentionally flexing his biceps, that seemed bigger than my head.

"Mateo, the girl is not well, we have to be there for them!" I tried to reason with him.

"Okay, as soon as you change," He didn't even blink, he just continued to block my way to the exit.

I looked at my outfit. Truthfully, what I was wearing could hardly be called an outfit considering I only had on one of Mateo's shirts and nothing more. It was painfully obvious that I was not adequately dressed, but I wanted to be with Hannah as soon as possible. Still, I knew I had no choice, either because I probably wouldn't even be allowed to step foot in the hospital or because of my man, who would rather lock me in a closet than let me out of the apartment wearing only that. Realizing the risks, with anguish in my heart, I ran back to the room and at record speed put on what I knew Mateo would consider appropriate.

-

The ride did not last long, which is not so strange considering who was driving. To say that he violated every known traffic law would be another understatement. Still, he didn't seem too worried. It was as if his best friend wasn't fighting for her life at the very moment. As much as his facial expressions never betrayed his feelings, this time something else was behind his lack of emotions. I never got the impression that he disliked her, but I was beginning to questioning it. The reason for that was probably known only to him, but it didn't bother me that much at the moment. All my attention was focused on her and her condition only.

As soon as he stopped the car, I was ready to jump out of it but he anticipated my move and locked the door. I looked at him in irritation but he didn't care much. He got out of the SUV and came to the passenger side, opening the door for me and taking my hand. I was very annoyed by his controlling behavior, but I also knew that if I wanted to actually see Hannah, I had to listen to him.

The smell of the hospital was enough to awaken the well-known feeling of anxiety in me. The closer we got to the department of gynecology, the worse it got. I couldn't help but think about how Hannah was, whether the labor has started, how the baby was. I knew her long enough to get attached and this uncertainty was killing me.

Mateo quickly found the place where she was accommodated, regardless of the fact that we were not family members. Whether it was his threatening aura or the fact that people obviously knew more than I did, it didn't matter at that point. I have almost come to terms with the fact that he was who he was and that, as long as it was up to him, I would never know what he didn't want me to know. Truth be told, I didn't even care. He was all I had left. I didn't want to know what would be left of me if I lost him too.

When we finally showed up in front of the maternity ward, Mateo stopped and turned me towards him, He looked me straight in the eye, and stood still while a war was going on in his head. He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me what he intended, but he still resisted his natural need for control, which stunned and softened me at the same time.

"Go inside, but-" He started talking, but I interrupted him, shocked by the content of his words.

"Inside the delivery room? How is that possible?" I asked him confusedly, to which he rolled his eyes.

"Firstly, don't interrupt me," he looked at me significantly, to which I lowered my gaze. "Secondly, yes, you can go inside. Look, I wouldn't do this and I wouldn't expose you to this kind of stress, but I know that for some reason you would never forgive yourself for not being by her side, so I'll allow it. Go inside before I change my mind and watch what you're doing."

His last sentence was more of a threat, but I was too focused on actually finally seeing Hannah to care. I kissed him briefly and ran inside.

Like I thought no one was surprised that I just appeared inside all of a sudden. The nurses and doctors only looked at me for a few seconds and went back to do their job, as if a disheveled, semi-normal and potentially dangerous person hadn't just stumbled into a zone that is forbidden to anyone but the closest family members. Mateo's demeanor can sometimes be helpful.

I glanced across the room and the first thing I saw was Leon. He looked so tormented as if he was the one about to give birth and not his girlfriend lying on the table just a few feet away from him. Sweat was pouring down his face, his body was shaking and his hands were almost glued together as he bit his nails. He was on the verge of crying. However, he wasn't someone anyone felt sorry for.

Gathering my strength, I shifted my gaze to Hannah. The beautiful girl with the smile always plastered on her face was barely keeping herself conscious. She looked weak, her eyes blurred and lost as if she had lost a lot of blood. She was breathing heavily, fighting for every breath. She looked so tired that at the very sight something dangerous began to tighten in my chest.

Just as I was about to take a step toward her, a loud bang interrupted me. I turned to where Leon had previously stood to see him lying unconsciously on the ground.

So much anger awoke in me that I was ready to beat him right away even though he was already down. It was the woman who had suffered through pain, emotional and physical lows, and hormonal changes for so many months, and she even had to go through the worst, childbirth, only for the man to be the one who fainted from fear when he was supposed to support her. I realized, then and there, that he did not deserve her, he never did.

I looked back uncertainly at Hannah whose dull eyes were already fixed on mine. She wanted to tell me so much through them, so many words, feelings, hopes and fears. Too much. Nevertheless, I understood her.

"Don't leave me alone, please."

She didn't have to ask, though she didn't know it. I wouldn't leave her, ever.

-

The birth lasted for hours and the end didn't seem to be near. My hand went numb from Hannah's constant and strong squeezing. Although, what I felt couldn't even in my dreams be compared to what she was going through. She was repeating the same ritual for so long without success that, in addition to physically losing the strength, she was mentally fragile. It was rather obvious that she was in great pain, but it was as if no one but me cared, as if the only thing the doctors and nurses wanted was to get the baby out.

I knew my thoughts were completely distorted, but I couldn't help but feel that way. I had to blame someone for what was undoubtedly happening in front of my eyes. I could hardly describe how close this girl really was to my heart. I felt a special connection with her and, in addition to already knowing that she was a true friend, I felt safe by her side, no matter how stupid it sounded to some people. I never admitted it to her and I didn't have to. She knew that. That was why she was so protective of me. Maybe she felt the same as me, maybe something similar, maybe something completely different, the fact was, something was there.

It was for those reasons that watching her life energy slowly leaving her body, in the moments that should have been the happiest in her life, broke my heart. The very thought that there would be another person I would lose that I may not have even known I had, made me wonder if there was anything valuable left in this world.

Hannah was a fighter, a warrior, a winner. And yet, they too are faced with loss. if not before, the last battle is always invincible. I was paralyzingly frightened by the thought that hers was taking place before my eyes.

"T," her unusually quiet voice spread through the room.

I felt like crying. She had never been so weak, ever. Her voice had always been strong and dominant, and lying there, she looked so fragile, like a baby that was yet to come to light. At the same time, the nickname she called me, the nickname that was reserved only for people close to me, warmed my heart and froze It at the same time.

"Yes?" I replied uncertainly, trying to keep the tears from falling.

"You have to promise me something," she murmured, barely breathing the air when she finally got a short break.

There was silence in the room. No one wanted to interrupt the moment, to not accidentally stain it. Maybe it was all in my head, maybe it was the reality, but it didn't even matter. The only thing that mattered was the perfect being lying a few inches away from me, squeezing my hand tightly, afraid not to drop it.

"Whatever you want," I replied immediately. That was exactly what I meant. Whatever it took, I was ready to give the last atom of strength to fulfill her needs.

"Take care of my baby, T, please."

It wasn't her words that led to my despair, no, nor her fingernails sticking into my skin, not even the painful cry she let out. It was her eyes. Those divine irises were full of suffering, fear and what I was scared of the most, acceptance of her destiny. She was thinking like a mother before she even became one. If it hadn't hurt so much, I would have been proud of her.

"Han, what-" I tried to say something, not even knowing what, but she didn't want to listen.

"No, T, I know what's going to happen. I'm begging you! I know why I'm telling you this. Take care of my baby! I know you're scared and who knows what else, but please, I know you can do it. I need to know that he will be in good hands and that someone will take care of him, that they will love him. It has to go into good hands, T, it has to. Save my child, Tara, save him and save yourself!" She was speaking rapidly, shaking her head.

"Han, that will be you!" I tried to convince her, with all my strength preventing the tears from falling so that she would not look at my broken being. She had to be strong to get through the childbirth and seeing me weak would certainly not help. "You will take care of your baby, give him all the love of this world, you will be the perfect mother. You, all this will pass, you are the winner, remember that!"

"I know how this ends T. I've known it for a while." She looked me straight in the eye. One small tear began to slide down her face.

That opened my eyes to what she had been persistently trying to tell me all this time. It was as if someone had hit me directly in the ribs, the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I figured out everything I needed to. She knew, she knew for a long, long time, and now, I know too.

We just stared at each other for a few seconds. Not a word was said. Our eyes did the talk until tears betrayed me too

"Promise me. Please," She whispered.

"I promise."

At that moment, without even being aware of it, I witnessed her last smile.

-

I didn't remember the moment, before or after. I walked out of the room like a ghost after I don't even know how long. Crying, screams, hysteria, information about the exact time, everything was far, far away. I didn't even remember if I left on my own free will or if I was kicked out. The feeling of someone's hands on my back suggested the latter. Still, it didn't matter.

I didn't even have to walk long before someone noticed me. A deep, recognizable voice tried to reach me, but to no avail. I felt someone's hands on me again. This time, they were masculine and strong. Either way, it didn't make a difference.

It hurt. Everything hurt. Chest, stomach, I felt sick. I couldn't breathe. I tried to use the technique I had learned a few years earlier, to try to breathe rhythmically and deeply, but there was no progress, it just pushed me deeper into the abyss. Sweat was pouring down my body. I started to panic. I was suffocating and I was afraid that this would be my end. I lost my balance. For a moment I had the feeling I was floating. Still, someone kept me from falling. It suffocated me even more. I wanted to breathe. I couldn't breathe. My heart started beating fast. I could hear it in my ears. It pumped blood loudly, almost creepily. I was shaking. I was shaking so hard that the cold waves spilled over my body. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to stop. But I was scared. I was afraid I would lose control I barely had. I felt like I was already losing it. I couldn't stand what was happening to me. I heard that well-known voice calling to me again. Someone was touching me. Someone's familiar scent reached my nostrils. Still, I was losing control. I knew it, it wasn't the first time, I could only hope it would be the last. It was really funny, funny how the body reacted to the loss. The irony was all the greater knowing that this wasn't even the first time I had lost someone. It happens all the time, they keep leaving me. I wanted it to stop, for people to stop leaving. Why? Why them and why me?

I was so overwhelmed I lost the last atom of strength I had left. Without any warning, both for me and those around me, I closed my eyes and slowly, with the sound of sirens, wandered into the land where I could never lose anyone else.

A/N

We are nearing the end. It will most likely have a total of 40 chapters (not counting the prologue and epilogue), so get ready, the drama begins. For those who read between the lines, I hope you noticed one hidden fact, although emotion is a better term, which hung all the time over our heads:) Let's just say that "Anna Karenina" is one of my two favorite books and therefore I love hidden meanings, metaphors, foreshadowing. With that being said the book is full of these things only they are not so obvious. If you have a theory, feel free to tell me, I would like to hear your observations and opinions <3

And now, the most important thing: if you have ever felt the way Tara did in the end (you don't necessarily have to have all symptoms, and there are some other typical physical symptoms that you may or may not have experienced - shortness of breath, numbness or tingling, fear of death or going crazy, dizziness, insecurity, depersonalization and derealization) you have most likely experienced a panic attack. Each of us at some point in life can have a panic attack, which does not mean that it is a disorder, but if it happens more often be sure to seek help (According to ICD-10, the diagnosis of panic disorder is made in the case of more severe attacks over a period of about a month (3 attacks within 3 weeks), where attacks occur in situations where there is no objective danger // According to the DSM-V classification, if 4 of the above symptoms are present, it is a major panic attack, if there are less than 4 symptoms it is a minor. Also, according to the DSM-V classification, the symptoms reach a climax within 10 minutes, if more time is needed it is not a panic attack). As I said, panic attacks can occur to everyone, and some other diseases, both somatic and mental, can cause panic attacks. However, if, as I said before, this happens to you frequently, seek help. If you don't know how or you have something that is holding you back, or you have any other mental or emotional problem, and you don't know who to talk to about it, never hesitate to contact me and we will find a solution together. Take care, there is nothing more important than your health <3

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Love you all xx