"Being addictive to a toxic person is purely suicidal." ― Unknown

"When he's the last thing you need, he'll drain you. He'll exhaust you. He'll destroy you. And you won't see it that way. In fact, you won't notice it at all. But everyone else will." ― Kirsten Corley

"Don't judge yourself by what others did to you." ― C. Kennedy

"I know what I did wasn't clever
But me and you were meant to be together
So let me in
Give me another chance
To really be a man"

- Whatcha say – Jason Derulo

Chapter 34

"Why don't we go to Dionis tonight?" Emma asked when everyone from our girl group had finished drinking.

We were sitting on the steps at the very entrance of the university, waiting for a ride home. Actually, my three best friends weren't waiting for anyone, but they offered to keep me company. It would probably have been much easier if I had told Mateo that our lecture had been canceled so that he could pick me up immediately. However, he had a tendency to come earlier than expected and I wanted to spend at least a few more moments with people who are able to give me a million different ways to divert my thoughts from what haunted me.

"Sure," Lena immediately replied, and Sarah looked at her sideways.

I would probably wonder why the sweet blonde just agreed to go out that easily if the reason wasn't already obvious. She would do anything to cheer me up and she thought that a night at the club could achieve that effect. I was almost touched by her action seeing as, under normal circumstances, that would definitely work. Unfortunately, I felt everything but normal.

"I can't," I said, looking away from them.

The sky was surreally blue. It was the perfect day for a walk. A gentle breeze ruffled long, thick hair, and the warm rays of the sun caressed the skin of every passerby. The streets were full of life. People laughed out loud, walking their pets and exchanging opinions about the latest episode of the Mexican telenovela that, in a short time, ménage to enchant the audience. Not far from the university building, a group of several students sat in the garden of a café drinking caffeinated beverages after exhausting lectures, taking selfies with wide smiles on their faces. People looked happy. The irony I was living was starting to get nauseating.

"What do you mean you can't? You? Tara that I know?" Emma asked, raising her voice in confusion.

"Mateo's birthday is tomorrow," and just like that, the bomb was dropped.

How all three managed to make completely different facial expressions in one second was beyond my comprehension. Sarah looked like she was going to vomit at any moment which definitely didn't help my nausea since all of a sudden I wanted the same thing. Emma, ​​on the other hand, had a big smile spread across her face and her eyes hid such mischief that I almost asked her to tell me how old she was. However, what made me nervous the most was Lena's gaze. Her face was void of every emotion. She was just looking into my eyes, her blue irises looking colder than ever. She was torturing me so hard with her gaze that I started squirming, wanting to escape as soon as possible.

"You guys got back together? I'm so happy for you!" Emma practically shouted. She clapped her hand and jumped to hug me. I almost fell back due to the force she used, but somehow I managed to prevent it and loosely wrapped my arms around her.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Sarah said clutching her stomach. She brought her hand to my head and began to hit me lightly on the scalp with her knuckles. "Knock-knock, is anything inside? Hey, brain, are you there?" The tone of her voice reminded me so much of Lucia from "Mermaid Melody", a cartoon I used to watch when I was a little girl, it seriously contributed to my already building irritation that threatened to stop being passive.

"Very funny, Sarah," I muttered, removing her claws from me.

"I didn't even try to be funny, Tara, what were you thinking?" She asked me a little annoyed.

"It's not your problem," I muttered once more, this time letting a slight dose of irritability through my voice.

She wanted to continue with something that threatened to get into an argument, but Emma stopped her and she got into a discussion with her. I didn't pay attention to the debate they were having about whether or not I should have reconciled with Mateo. I was too busy trying to avoid Lena's penetrating gaze, but the tension it caused to expand through my body was not helpful at all.

However, before I could be swallowed by those blue eyes, an armored SUV appeared in front of the gates. I jumped to my feet successfully scaring my friends. They looked at me in confusion, but before they tried to question me, I just waved at them and headed towards Mateo.

I thought that the operation was successful, but just a few meters from the car, I was stopped by a hand that wrapped around my upper arm, turning me harshly in that person's direction.

I recoiled when I saw Lena's glowing face. She looked at me with eyes that were no longer emotionless. She was angry, enraged but also worried. I knew the reason for that but I didn't have the strength to fight or explain anything.

"Have you two reconciled?" She asked me, pointing to the front of the car in which Mateo was undoubtedly watching us.

"L-" I whispered but I didn't finish the sentence.

"Don't L me! What are you doing, Tara?" She asked me angrily, squeezing me so hard that it hurt a little.

I knew that she was not aware of what she was doing, or that she would ever intentionally hurt me. However, her action and just the knowledge that her actions were out of her control, brought back memories that I wanted to forget. Memories that gave me cold sweats.

"Lena, please take your hand away," I pleaded in a whisper.

As if I had woken her from a trance, her eyes widen and she immediately removed it from me. The part of the arm she was holding was slightly red, but looking at her facial expression, one would think she had crippled me for the life. Barely removing her eyes from that place, she looked at me with a look full of remorse, on the verge of crying.

"It's okay, L," I tried to stop her from feeling guilty.

"No, it's not right, I didn't want to-" she started explaining but I interrupted her.

"I know you didn't, that's why I'm telling you it's ok-" This time she was the one who interrupted me.

"You can't do that anymore!" She yelled so loud it made me jump two steps back. "It's not okay, Tara, it's not! You are doing that with me now, you did the same, maybe even worse with Mateo!" A couple of people turned in our direction to see what the fuss was about.

"Lena, you don't know what you're talking about." I tried to calm her down so she wouldn't blow the whole thing out of proportion, but she was already too deep for me to succeed.

"Obviously not, Tara! What happened these past few days?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Before you visited your parents, you strongly refused to get back together with him, and now? You two reconciled? What happened?" She emphasized the last question.

At that moment, it was as if I only saw red. Maybe it was my defense mechanism, maybe I was truly mad, but in the end, it didn't matter. I wanted her, or everyone for that matter, to leave me alone.

"Lena, stop it. This is my life and my shit to deal with!" I glared at her, to which she responded with the same gesture.

"Your life and your shit to deal with? It didn't seem that way that night when you, completely wet, cried on my shoulder due to what he did to you! He hit you, Tara, several times, how can you get past those things!? He'll do it again! You can't change him! As much as you want to think that you can, you can't. That's who he is and he will forever be that way. People don't change! Get that through your head!"

"He loves me," I whispered.

Her sarcastic laughter broke through my heart. She looked at me with disbelief and disappointment. That anger of hers stemmed from concern, I was aware of that, but knowing didn't make it any easier.

"Loves you? He who loves does not put hands on a loved one."

Those words hit me right in the chest, blowing air out of my lungs. I slowly looked up, my gaze trained on her eyes. She let out a surprised breath when she saw my fiery expression. I gathered all the poison I had inside me, all the anger, disappointment, suffering, everything that ever hurt me, and threw it out in the open.

"Well, I wouldn't know."

Before she was able to answer me, I turned around and got in the car.

-

"What happened there?" Mateo asked me after a few minutes of silence.

When I got inside, I was so furious that I neither kissed him nor greeted him in any way. I angrily fastened my seat belt and turned my head to the side, leaning against the window. I tried with all my might to prevent the tears from flowing down my face, and with a couple of fast blinking, I succeeded.

He didn't speak for a while. Still, the tension between us was too uncomfortable to not be clear that he had heard everything that had happened. In fact, I was surprised that he hadn't reacted in any way. Moreover, that he hadn't gone outside when he had seen the whole scene. He could never bear to have someone put their hands on me, which was quite ironic considering that he had done it first. Nevertheless, he hadn't done anything. That scared me. Mateo was never the one to forget, that much was obvious. It was better for everyone involved to endure his rage at the very heated moment than to wait for it to build over time. He is at his worst when he serves his revenge dish cold.

"You heard," I replied shortly, not taking my eyes off the window.

"Yes, I did, but I want you to repeat it to me," he squeezed my thigh, not so much to hurt me, just to make it obvious that he was expecting an answer.

"I don't want to," I still didn't look at him. Lena's words kept running through my head. I tried to turn them off, to turn her off, but I couldn't. I was going crazy, and it was a one-way ticket.

"Tara," he said my name carefully. "Look at me."

I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to look at anyone. I just wanted to be alone, caged within four walls, and cry. Nothing more, nothing less. I needed everyone to leave me alone so I could somehow get this burden that was slowly but surely suffocating me off my body. Yet, as an obedient girl I had been taught to be, I turned my head in his direction and looked at him with empty eyes.

"Love," he started saying, bringing his hand to my face, making me step back for a moment and move my head away. It was a reflex that he did not notice, or, rather, chose to ignore. He cupped my cheek and caressed my skin with his thumb, trying to make everything right. "I don't like that girl, she's hurting you, and she's obviously doing it on purpose."

"Kinda rich coming from you," I told him venomously, and he frowned. However, he decided to ignore my cry once again and continued with the conversation.

"She's trying to break us apart. I won't let her," His voice was determined. My eyes widen.

"If you do something to her, I'll never forgive you!" I looked at him sideways.

"I didn't say I would do anything to her, Tara, I just don't want you to be in the company of someone who clearly wants to take you away from me!" He said angrily.

How he succeeded to pay attention to the road and me at the same time was beyond me, but I had a feeling nothing would happen even if someone did stop him. He had too many connections to get even the simplest parking ticket.

"She's just worried about me," I tried to reason with him.

"She worries about you by wanting to get you away from me? Cute, but no, I don't want to see her near you ever again." he continued to be obdurate, which was nothing new.

"She's been my friend since I can remember, and if you think I'm going to stop hanging out with her for something stupid like that, you're so, so wrong!" I snapped.

"Tara, I'm serious."

"Me too. I have more reasons to stop seeing you than her. So shut up, I have an awful headache, and pay attention to the road."

He was livid. Seriously livid. Still, he did what I asked him to do. With one glare thrown in my direction, he looked back on the road and dismissed the topic. For now.

There were many lies in my little outburst. For example, my head didn't hurt. The pain was actually coming from the chest area, on the left side. It was penetrating and almost unbearable. And yet, what turned out to be the biggest lie was that I would leave him before her. I almost laughed. We just got back together so he thought he was playing on thin ice therefore he did everything to not piss me off. If he had just stopped worrying about me leaving again, he would have realized that we were both drowning for quite some time.

-

"Are my eyes deceiving me? Who are you and what have you done with my woman?" I heard Mateo's voice from somewhere behind me. A moment later, his strong arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me to his body, leaving a kiss on the top of my head.

"Don't distract me, I'm cooking," I scolded him but laughed nevertheless.

The tension that reigned in the car was almost gone and he was in an unusually good mood. I wanted to enjoy that semblance of calm and happiness while I could because those things in my life never lasted.

"I know, that's what I'm afraid of," he said and kissed me on the cheek. I kicked his ribs with my elbow angrily, but he didn't seem to feel a thing, he just started laughing.

"You're rude."

"I know love, but I really don't have the strength to deal with firefighters and the police tonight. Why don't you leave cooking for tomorrow? "

"Mateo!" I shouted.

I tried to pretend I was annoyed due to him underestimating my culinary skills, but we both knew that those were equal to a child's skills in the phallic stage of development. Even that was questionable, considering that maybe even a kid would be able to make a quality sandwich.

"Yes, baby girl?" He whispered, kissing the skin right under my left ear, where I was most sensitive.

"You are insufferable," I sighed. My words were in complete contradiction with the moan I let out, especially according to his smile on my skin.

"I love you too, love, more than anything in this world."

Before I could answer, we were interrupted by the voices of people I started to love as a family, or at least as a family should be loved. That kind of love was still a dilemma for me.

"Literally ew. Leon, if we ever become like this, and I mean ever, you have my permission to leave me." Hannah's beautiful face peered into the kitchen. In fact, her belly was the first to honor us with its presence, but that probably shouldn't count.

"Gosh, I'm so gay for you," I said after I noticed her.

"I know, I'm gay for you too," she replied with a smile and hugged me tightly. I somewhat weirdly and loosely wrapped my arms around he body in fear of hurting her, to which she visibly rolled her eyes.

"Every time, dude, every time. At this point I'm really starting to think they like each other," I heard Leon say and Mateo nodded his head in agreement.

Hannah looked at me and winked, to which I gave her a sincere smile. That girl was able to fix a person's entire life by her very existence. She didn't have to do anything, just breathe.

"Hannah, how long haven't we seen each other? Your belly has grown, you look beautiful!" I told her honestly. She was truly breathtaking. She was glowing with the gleam only pregnant women had.

"I know right? It's literally huge," Leon added and at that same moment, everyone in the room went silent. I had a suspicion his big mouth would get him into serious trouble, but one would think that he had learned how to behave with Hannah. You just don't say that to a pregnant lady.

The curly-haired girl gave me a fake smile and, with an icy look, turned in the direction of her boyfriend.

"Your ass is going to be huge when I make you sleep on the floor for the next three months!" She shouted angrily. "Actually, why three? Nine minimum, and we'll see what happens from there on."

She kept yelling at him and threatening him, which, I had to admit with a heavy heart, I enjoyed. However, I suddenly felt Mateo's arms around my waist pulling me to his chest again. He removed his hair from my neck and soon put his face there, leaving gentle kisses.

"I hope you won't be as aggressive when you're pregnant," he whispered and kept on kissing me.

I quite literally choked on air.

-

"God Mateo, you were so devastated those days when Tara wasn't here. If I was her, I wouldn't leave you alone for even half a day ever again."

"Don't exaggerate, it wasn't that bad."

"Leon, he was crying every day, the apartment was in chaos, half of the things were broken and thrown away, which was rather difficult to understand how and why considering that he could barely get out of bed. He hardly even ate."

"Okay, maybe it was that bad."

Eavesdropping is an extremely bad trait. However, I didn't really intend to do it, I was more afraid to step inside, so I just stood at the top of the stairs, gathering the courage to show up.

It was almost midnight. Mateo's birthday was in a few minutes and my knees were shaking. I felt chronically tired and listless and was already slowly falling into the state of just "living". I felt some things that I could not describe or, rather, I was afraid of. Either way, they were holding me back. As much as I wanted to forget what happened to my father, I couldn't. It was always there somewhere, in a corner of my mind, challenging me to burst.

I haven't cried since that day. And yet, sometimes I wondered if maybe it would be better if I did. I wanted to get this bitterness out of my body but I couldn't. Mateo was the only one who gave me some kind of comfort. I felt loved in his arms, and the fact that I had reached the stage where there was nothing else that mattered was getting sad. It was also beyond ironic that the only person left who could hurt me was the same person who could be the sole being to make me feel alive.

Looking at my watch, I realized it was exactly midnight. I took a deep breath and started to go down the stairs, singing a birthday song.

Mateo's face lit up when he saw me approaching him with a huge maroon gateau. I had made it for him with Leon's help a few days earlier, when he had left me in the penthouse for a few hours with my latest nanny in the form of his best friend while he had been out, doing some work. The cake had been in the freezer ever since and the real miracle was that he had never even noticed. On top of the cake, I added twenty-four white candles and sparklers that Leon lit as I walked.

When I finally approached him, I couldn't help but smile when I saw how happy he was. His eyes shone with beautiful glint and his smile was so huge I was scared it might even hurt. When we got to the end of the song, I looked him straight in the eye and whispered, telling him to make a wish. He nodded and closed his eyes and, barely thinking about what he wanted, blew out the candles at his first attempt a moment later.

I put the gateau on the table and threw myself into his arms. He held me so close to his body as if he was afraid I would disappear at any moment. I pressed my lips to his and once made an eye connection with his stunning orbs.

"Happy birthday, baby, I love you," I wished him in a low voice.

"I love you too, more than anything," he replied and kissed me again.

We stood like that, in each other's arms, for a long time. Even Leon and Hannah didn't interrupt us, seeing how much we both needed it. Still, after a whole eternity, I remembered that I should probably give him a present.

I pulled away for a bit, to which he protested angrily, but he stopped when he saw me handing him a burgundy watch case. He looked at me in confusion, to which I urged him to take it. He brought those perfect manly fingers to mine and, brushing my skin, took the gift in his hands.

Why did his eyes water when he saw the gift, I didn't quite understand. It was a silver watch on which I spent more than half of my savings. However, on the very edge of it, the initials of our names and the date when we first got together were engraved. And yet, the way he gazed at me with so much tenderness and gratitude I didn't even know he possessed, as if he was saying that what I got him was the most valuable thing there was. I didn't know the reason, nor would I probably understand it, but I was happy. Maybe finally something in my life can go right.

"Thank you, baby girl, this is the greatest gift in the world. I can't wait to complete it with our child's initials," he brought me closer to him once more and kissed me.

Something very dangerous twitched in my stomach.

A/N
Well, here it is, no drama for you guys today😂
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