"It is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind." ― Aisha Mirza

"I trusted you but now your words mean nothing to me, because your actions spoke the truth." ― Unknown author

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too." ― Ernest Hemingway

"I finally built up the strength to walk away
Don't regret it but I still live with the side effects"

- Mariah Carey – Side Effects

Chapter 31

I got a couple of intrigued looks when I came back and sat down at the table, but none of my friends did anything more. The strong smell of beef hit me as soon as I made myself comfortable on the chair and almost made me go back to where I came from right away. I didn't feel like eating at all, but I knew I had no choice because one of the six descendants of Satan around me would probably shove food into my esophagus if I refused. I made a grimace and reluctantly took a fork and a knife in my hands and started cutting the delicacy into small pieces.

"It's not poisonous, you know?" Sarah asked me since my slow movements drove her insane.

"And how can I know that? You could've put something in it," I shrugged and brought a piece of meat to my mouth.

At the same moment, Mateo, with a grim expression on his face, appeared from the same direction I did, looking me straight in the eye. I almost choked, but I managed to swallow the food without making a bigger scene.

"Why would I do that?" Sarah asked, bringing me back to reality.

Somehow I managed to recover without any of them noticing that my mind was somewhere else. I shifted my gaze to her again after making sure Mateo had sat in the place he had previously occupied, keeping an eye on me. It didn't surprise me, but it did make me feel uncomfortable. Knowing that he was watching my every step, even after what I had told him, aroused despair in me.

"Me being your rival and all," I somehow told her, my voice sounding surprisingly convincing.

"Ah yes, it makes sense, you're right."

"And when am I not?"

"Arrogance is not a virtue."

"I beg to differ."

"I get it, I really do, but how can you two flirt in front of my own eyes? You can't make a wife out of a hoe," Emma interrupted with a false disappointment in her voice.

"You girls have a weird definition of flirting," Victor commented, shaking his head.

"How come?" Emma asked him.

"How's having an argument flirting?" He threw his hands in the air, a little annoyed. Knowing Emma, he probably felt that on his skin, and something told me he didn't quite like it.

"That's the most sophisticated form of seduction. I don't understand how you don't understand," Emma replied, shrugging.

"Women," Victor concluded in slight despair.

-

"I'm full," Stephan said after he finished eating, leaning back in his chair, stretching. He almost hit Luke with his elbow, to which the blonde looked at him sideways but did not comment.

"I understand, I really do, but you've eaten three portions and half of Tara's! How?" Emma asked him with a bewildered look on her face.

"Sarah ate two and Lena's half!" Stephan defended himself.

"If Sara jumps into the well, you'll do it too?" Emma asked, rolling her eyes.

"Of course, I'm loyal," he said proudly, giving Sarah a high five, making them both laugh.

"You are an idiot," Emma added, rolling her eyes once again. "Shall we go? We have been here for a long time and Tara's ex is starting to scare even me," she asked with a laugh.

I knew she intended for that to sound like a joke, but to me, it was anything but. For a moment I had forgotten that a certain someone hadn't looked away from me since we arrived at the restaurant, and then she had to make me aware of the fact. I began to feel the tension of his eyes on the back of my head again. A shiver went down my spine and the only thing I wanted was to get away from this place as fast as possible. Luckily, Lena, like countless times before, noticed the discomfort I felt and started urging the guys to leave. Luke disappeared for a bit, in order to pay the bill for all of us because for some reason he did not allow us to participate.

On the way out of the restaurant, I felt someone pull my arm and turn me towards them. My heart jumped in fear for a second. However, the move was too gentle to come from the person I suspected. I turned and looked at the red-haired young man, my age, who, judging by the name tag on his clothes, was working in a restaurant. I looked at him questioningly, with a somewhat confused expression on my face.

"I...Uh-" He stammered. He removed his hand from mine and scratched the back of his head, showing nervousness.

"Yes?" I tried to encourage him to finish what he started, to which he took a deep breath and looked at me with newfound determination.

"Can I have your number?" If I hadn't seen him seconds earlier with all the drops of sweat that had accumulated on his forehead, I would never have doubted the self-confidence of the guy in front of me. Still, I liked how he tried to overcome his obvious shyness in order to approach the girl he fancied. However, before I could respond, an icy voice interrupted me.

"I will tell you this only once and for your own good, you better do as I say instantly. Get away from her at this fucking moment so I don't cut off your head," Mateo was recognizably calm, but the threatening look was enough to scare the red-haired guy so much that he even stumbled when he ran towards the kitchen.

I angrily shifted my gaze from the now-closed door of the room where the boy had escaped to the dark-haired man who was suddenly standing too close for me to feel comfortable. I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow, giving him a dirty look.

"What do you think you're doing?" I asked angrily.

He did not answer me but continued to look deeply into my eyes. That cliché sentence that describes how someone is looking through your soul has never felt more real. There was something unknown, dangerous in his dark irises. His unexpected calmness, which was everything but, his hidden anger and barely controlled possessiveness merged and caused an electric shock by emitting their energy.

Mateo took one step, and immediately after the second. With the third he was already right in front of me, our noses almost touching. I didn't know why I didn't feel fear as before, why I didn't turn around and leave, why at least I didn't back away. I wanted to lie to myself that the reason was that I refused to show myself weak in front of him, but that sounded too convincing and at the same time so unlike me to be true. There was something else, a field between us in which various fusions and fissures took place that kept me buried in place. There was something much more powerful, much more dangerous and much more wicked.

"You can forget what you've told me this instant. You are mine, you were, you are and you'll forever be. Remember that, and I'm here to prove it to you. And I will, love, be sure of that," he promised, bringing my face closer and leaving a gentle kiss in the corner of my lips. He slowly raised his head again and looked at me significantly, his eyes lingering on mine for a few seconds longer than needed. With a smirk plastered on his face, he walked past me, heading out of the restaurant.

Bastard.

-

"I have some news, one is pretty random and the other is kinda tragic," Emma said breathlessly when she arrived at the place where Sarah, Lena and I were sitting and waiting for the professor to appear so that the lecture could officially begin. Her expression was somewhat gloomy, not too much, but it was obvious she wasn't exactly over the moon happy.

"Random one first, I don't want to cry for at least a few more minutes," I said before Sarah and Lena could, at what Sarah rolled her eyes.

"I just walked past the dean's office and guess who I saw there?" Emma asked us excitedly, adding a dramatic effect at the end, to which Sarah rolled her eyes one more time. I couldn't help but laugh when Emma shot her a look. Their quarrels have always been extremely interesting.

"Our ultra, mega, giga handsome dean?" Lena guessed and Sarah looked at her indignantly.

"I'm literally next to you," she threw her hands up in disbelief, her eyes wide open.

"You have to admit he's handsome," I said.

"I wouldn't know," she looked at me significantly, to which I raised my hands in defense.

"Okay, you two, the focus is on me now," Emma shot us a look that silenced us both. Drama queen. "And now, to answer your question, Lena, yes, but that's not the point. He was with a detective and two police officers."

"Police? Here?" I asked feeling utterly confused.

"Yeah, I don't know why yet. I'm going to find out, though."

"Of course you are," I winked at her.

"You know me," she did the same.

"Okay, okay, now the tragic news," Sarah looked at her in excitement, rubbing her palms against each other. Her morbidity used to scare me, but I hadn't found any antisocial tendencies in her.

"It's not funny, Sarah. Do you remember that girl, Angela Radan?" She asked, glancing at each one of us.

Her name caused a strange feeling to be born in me. It was as if some knot had formed in my chest. Nervousness began to spread through my body as if anticipating the worst. I couldn't even understand why I felt that way about a girl I had never been close to, but this fear I had for her hurt.

"What about her?" I asked, my voice shaking and my body trembling.

"She committed suicide."

-

"I still can't believe what happened," Sarah commented, unlocking the door to Lena's home.

I couldn't either. I couldn't get her story of her and her ex-boyfriend out of my head, much less the picture of her and Paul at the party. They didn't look very happy, but she was far from looking like she would do what she did. A million different questions ran through my head, but one stood out the most. Why? I was afraid she was the only one who knew the answer to that question.

"Me neither. I mean, we weren't close, but again, when you hear something like that..." Emma commented after we went inside and headed to the living room.

Before any of us could say anything further, we were interrupted by a loud sound that was irresistibly reminiscent of barking. Confused, we exchanged glances and, this time more cautiously continued to walk towards the desired destination. Shortly after, we were greeted by a surprisingly pleasant surprise. Beautiful, small, brown-white creature.

I exclaimed happily when I saw the Pomeranian approaching me. I lowered myself on the ground to be able to pet him, to which he, as I assumed, let out a sound of pleasure, getting closer to me. It was as if I had turned off the whole world, the only thing that mattered was the gentle being in my hands. His irresistible barking made the situation even more incredible.

"Tara, I know you're out of your mind now, but he has a message attached to his necklace," I heard Sarah's faint voice speak to me, but it was as if she was miles away.

Still, I was able to process the information she gave me and got a better look at the dog. And indeed, attached to a beautiful, red necklace, there was also a red card. Confused, I unhooked it and brought it closer to me to read what was written on it. At no point did it occur to me that this was Lena's apartment and that it was most likely intended for her, as it should have been. A feeling in my stomach seemed to control my body, acting as if this puppy and everything that came with it belonged to me. And indeed, when I read the very short content of the message, I realized I was right.

For you, baby girl. I love you.

There were no signatures. However, it wasn't even needed. Everything was crystal clear. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. In a way, I was even offended by his opinion that gifts could solve everything between us. It was as if he was expecting me to stop being spoiled at some point and to return to him once and for all. I wondered if I was really that pathetic to leave such an impression on him like he could do with me whatever he wanted.

"It's Mateo, isn't it?" Lena asked me making me only nod my head. I had no will or need for further explanation.

"Tara? Doesn't this puppy look a little familiar? It's quite similar to the one we saw in the mall a few days back?" Emma asked me in confusion, but I refused to answer her.

Yes, the puppy was quite similar to the one I fell in love with when we went on a gift-hunt for Mateo's birthday, but he couldn't know that. Even he didn't have that many connections. As much as his knowledge of my whereabouts was questionable, to say the least, he wouldn't go that far.

"What are you going to do with it?" This time Sarah was the one who asked me a question.

I was so stunned by the puppy that started sniffing and licking me that their voices started to tire me. On top of that, the way she asked me what I was going to do with him was disturbing. I was angry that she thought I would reject him just because of his owner.

"What do you think she's going to do with him, Sarah? It's not the puppy's fault his owner is a dickhead!" Emma snapped, with whose statement I mentally agreed.

Just because he was the way he was didn't mean I should reject this precious being. That didn't mean I would reconcile with him or anything remotely similar. I had wanted a dog for as long as I can remember, and now that I finally got one, I felt like I was no longer alone. The automatic, instant connection that was created between us as soon as I laid my eyes on him felt like it could, in some strange way, at least to some extent fill the hole in my heart. At least to some extent.

-

There were days when I wondered why funerals are even held so massively. What was their point anyway? I was on several and the same principle could be seen on each. Despair, sorrow and melancholy. Black clothes reflected the numb, dark atmosphere that reigned among the hundreds of people who came to pay their last respects to the tragically deceased girl, who left this world way too early. Moreover, the very concept of what was early and what was not was kind of confusing. I have always known that death was inevitable, that sooner or later it would happen to me and that there was no escape from it, at least not an escape that will not result in a crash. And yet, at this point when I was face to face with death itself, I could not help but feel the familiar fear spreading through my body. Knowing that someone had left this world made the whole thing so...final.

I looked at the picture on the tombstone. My first thought was how beautiful she was. Her hair, skin, lips, cheekbones, everything about her was the epitome of femininity and beauty, and yet, her eyes were a completely different story. I felt like they were watching me, looking through me, chasing me. They were enchanting, there is no denying it, and yet, there was something incredibly sad in them. She was asking for help. Even now, after taking her own life and going into the unknown, I had the impression that she was begging for it. She went through so much and never showed it. It is tragic that it only took one look to her eyes to see a cry for help, and yet, no one looked at them, at least not with the intention of seeing them.

Whenever something unpredictable like this happened, when the thing was already done, only then the pieces would be connected and the thing that led to it would be understood. How many hours, minutes, seconds would have been enough to look into her eyes before she killed herself to save her life?

There is no point in understanding people when they die, if we don't understand them when they are alive, everything goes to hell.

I finally removed my gaze from Angela's face and shifted it to the gloomy appearance that stood not far from the tombstone, with its head bowed, staring at the ground the whole time as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Paul was dressed in a completely black suit, with neat hair, as if he was going to a business meeting and not to his fiancée's funeral. However, something in his eyes told me not everything was as it seems.

I didn't understand why I did what I did shortly after, but as if someone else was in my body at that moment I slowly approached the sad guy. No one noticed how strange it was, for which I was very grateful. It was no secret that the two of us were not on the best terms, as witnessed by many students of our university who were present at the funeral. Everyone was too preoccupied with the unpleasant event to find anything weird, which was for the best.

He did not react when I came to stand by his side as if he had lost sensitivity to external stimuli. It was only after I greeted him quietly that he raised his head, quite surprised. He looked at me long enough to make me uncomfortable. He had a strange gleam in his eyes as if he were on the verge of tears. For the first time, I saw him in such a vulnerable state that I began to reassess all our previous encounters. It wouldn't happen for the first time that the things weren't like they originally seemed.

"Hey," he finally returned my greeting, almost out of breath. I smiled slightly, which surprised him even more. For a moment, I was afraid that I would bring the man to a state of shock. However, he recovered very quickly for what I almost let out a breath of relief.

"Hey," I repeated. "I'm sorry for your loss," I started with formalities, to which he nodded.

I hated that sentence. The definition and everything it represents, and yet, something in me made me say it. Was it politeness or pressure to, at least, say something, anything? I didn't even know myself, and maybe that was for the best.

"I didn't expect it, you know," he said after a few minutes of silence.

I turned my head in his direction but he kept his down, his gaze fixed on the same spot as when I approached him. His eyebrows were almost joined, and his forehead looked as if it hurt how furrowed it was.

"She looked happy, or as much as she could be while pretending to be in love with her fake fiancé," he murmured. I had so many questions, but I didn't ask any. I grabbed his upper arm and squeezed him lightly, thus showing him that I was there and that he had my support to continue.

"When I found her in her room yesterday, she looked so alive. Her blonde hair was spread across the bed, and her face, fresh and without makeup, still had some shine. She was beautiful, Tara, beautiful," as if he had a lump in his throat, he almost choked on his words, barely preventing tears from falling. "I didn't love her in the way that fiancé should, but I respected her. In a weird way, she made me feel better. Until I met her, I felt like a puppet and a beast at the same time. Someone who is controlled by his father, but that is not an excuse. She didn't see it that way, though. She didn't consider me a monster. She was my friend, companion, partner. I wasn't in love with her, but I loved her. And now, she's gone," he exhaled, trying to pull himself together. He closed his eyes tightly and reopened them after a few moments. One tear successfully fell down his face. He didn't wipe it and I didn't know if I had seen anything braver lately.

"Paul, why-" I tried to ask him but I couldn't finish the sentence. After what he had told me, which had to be the truth, it was as if all the hatred I had felt towards him was replaced by understanding. After all, the two of us weren't that much different.

"Why did she kill herself?" He asked me with a sarcastic laugh that hid too much suffering for such a young soul.

If someone had told me only five minutes earlier that the person who was currently next to me would be so affected by someone's death, I would never have believed it. However, his emotions were true, maybe even too much for his own good.

"Her ex. After everything happened, I found her phone. She had dozens of threatening messages from him. My guess? She couldn't stand living in fear anymore. She probably thought death was a better option than whatever he had prepared for her. I just hope she finally found the security she was craving for," He exhaled once again, raising his head, looking up at the sky. That was his last farewell.

Why did the whole story touch me so much, probably no one would ever find out. I didn't know her, she even caused very negative feelings in me on one occasion, I couldn't stand Paul, and yet, now, after all, I felt like my heart was breaking in half. Why? I did not know.

How desperate in your misery do you have to be to give up on your own life?

Just then, I decided to look up again, wanting to say something to Paul that would help him feel at least minimally better. I had no idea what, but I needed to take at least part of the suffering from his heart. However, a surprise that I did not expect at all prevented me from doing so, even though It shouldn't even come as surprise.

In the distance, and yet close enough to be visible, familiar icy, dark eyes looked directly at me. I couldn't describe how he felt, or what he was thinking about, considering that his facial expression was completely emotionless. Still, he looked at me with such intensity that the shiver went down my spine. He wouldn't let me look away, giving me a promise I was sure he would keep.

"Tara?" Paul called me quietly, rescuing me for a moment from the sinister world I had fallen into.

"Hm?" I said absentmindedly.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking me straight in the eye. There was no need for further elaboration, we both knew perfectly well what he meant.

"Me too."

A/N

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