"You have to believe that you're better than the fountain of abuse that's been spewing hurt and pain at you. You just are." – Sara Li

"Let no one despair, even though in the darkest night the last star of hope may disappear."

— Friedrich Schiller.

"Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

"Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

- Behind these hazel eyes – Kelly Clarkson

Chapter 30

The emotions that had finally surfaced the night before seemed to completely evaporate from me and only anger remained. Not sadness, not fear and certainly not love. I couldn't, nor did I want to understand, how he could, after what he did, appear in front of the door as if everything was perfectly fine. Apart from the obvious dark circles under his eyes and a bit disheveled hair, nothing in his appearance showed that he felt emotionally bad for even a single moment. His clothes were so tight that the tattoos covering every inch of his body could be seen through his white shirt. The blood-red roses in his hands looked like sin, and he was forbidden fruit. Still, I only saw red.

He opened his mouth to say something, but I didn't wait for him to do so. I grabbed the door and tried to slam it with all my might in his face. However, he knew me too well not to anticipate my actions. Before I could close the door completely, he placed one foot to prevent me from doing so. Any normal person would probably get seriously hurt, but he didn't make a single sound.

I tried to put pressure again, but it didn't work. He pushed the door hard, completely opening it. The expression on his face became somewhat gloomy, but that didn't stop him from going inside and starting to approach me. Seeing that, I started walking backward, wanting to make as much space between us as possible. That action of mine seemed to wake him from whatever trance he was in and he stopped, not moving an inch.

I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms over my chest, irritably waiting for him to say what he wanted and leave my life once and for all. I could only imagine what I looked like. Huge bags under my eyes, tousled hair, clothes in an awful state. I was probably a sight to be seen. However, at that point, I didn't care. I felt such rage burning inside me I was afraid I would burst.

"Love-" He started, but I interrupted him.

"Don't call me that."

"Tara-" He tried one more time, but I interrupted him again.

"You know what? It's best that you don't call me at all," I snapped.

His expression betrayed surprise. I probably would be too. I had never treated him like that, but the moment I saw him aroused such a disgusting feeling in me that the only thing I could think of was my arms around his neck slowly taking away every atom of his life energy.

"I'm sor-"

"Shut up! Don't finish the fucking sentence!" I screamed with all my might, to which he recoiled.

He finally noticed the redness on my face and the crazy look I was using to stare him down. He closed his eyes and very slowly opened them again, looking directly at mine. There was something bright in his dark pupils, but this time, it didn't make me weak.

"What did you think? You show up here with a damn apology and roses in your hands and then everything will be fine again? Guess what? It's not happening because fucking nothing is okay, you damn bastard!" I screamed so hard that I surprised him too. He backed away for a moment after which I finally managed to slam the door in his face.

I leaned against that same door just seconds later and let out a heavy exhale that seemed to have been held back for years. Tears tried to break through and come to light, but I did not give up. I sighed with all my might. With willpower I didn't know I possessed, I headed back to the room where my friends were surely waiting for an explanation.

-

"You know he's still here, right?" Emma said after a few minutes of silence, not taking her eyes off the window.

"Seriously?" Sarah asked, not so surprised.

"Yes, his car is there for a while. Something tells me he doesn't plan to go anytime soon," Emma commented and finally turned around to face me, arms crossed, with a worried look on her face. I just kept quiet. There was nothing else for me to do.

"He's a complete psychopath," Sarah murmured.

"I find it sweet," Emma countered.

"It's sweet that he's watching her, even though she obviously told him she didn't want anything to do with him anymore? Emma, you fucking heard it yourself!" Sarah pretty much shouted.

"He's fighting for her because he loves her," Emma just shrugged, ignoring Sarah's words.

"Who cares! If she tells him to stay away, then he's supposed to do it."

"She technically didn't tell him that."

"Stop thinking with half a brain."

"Alas, I'm sorry! Please, you're the one to talk you romance Nazi. I don't know how Lena tolerates you"

"Maybe because I'm not stalking her?"

"It's not stalking, it's more a desire to be convinced of someone's safety."

"You should see a therapist."

"Stop! Both of you!" Lena raised her voice making all three of us jump. "Don't you see what you're doing?" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her pointing in my direction, but I already got up and headed to the bedroom, informing them in a low voice that I was going to sleep.

I was not so affected by their words, but I still wanted them to stop. The only thing I could think about was him, and their little argument didn't help. I knew it wasn't their fault, I didn't tell them what had happened so they couldn't have an adequate response. They were both so different, and so were their advice. Sarah never liked Mateo so she celebrated our breakup as her second birthday, while Emma, ​​on the other hand, didn't respect Mateo as much as she thought we had some timeless love and tried to soften me to forgive him. She would never have done that if she knew what he had done, but I couldn't tell her. It was probably a big mistake to hide such a thing from the two of them, but I couldn't bring myself to say a single word. Somehow it would all seem too real in that case.

When I finally entered Lena's room, contrary to common sense, I went to the window overlooking the road. Emma was absolutely right, Mateo's familiar car was parked just a few meters from the entrance to Lena's home. I couldn't exactly tell, given the tinted glass, but something told me that his gaze was fixed on the building in front of him, not removing it for a moment.

That thought suffocated me more than it made me feel safe. For the umpteenth time the same question has been running through my head: Will I ever be free again?

-

The inarticulate sounds that seemed to be coming from afar slowly woke me up. It took a lot of willpower to open my eyelids, and the almost unbearable headache didn't help at all. I brought my hands to my eyes and rubbed my eyelids to be able to at least bring myself to reality, and a few moments later, I was as alert as it gets.

I flinched a little when I saw three pairs of eyes looking intensely in my direction with concern in their eyes as if I were dying. Although, to tell the truth, that was probably what I looked like. Still, I couldn't prevent a slight irritation from appearing on my face. I was aware that it should not be directed at them, but the anger that was just a mask of despair was completely out of my control.

"What's going on?" I asked in a hoarse voice, settling into a sitting position.

"Tara, you haven't eaten anything since yesterday, come with us to a restaurant for dinner?" Lena practically begged me, in a gentle voice.

Until that moment, I didn't even notice that the night was already in full swing. I turned around and saw that I was almost in complete darkness and that the only light was coming from the hallway through the open door of the room from where my three friends had entered. How numb do you have to be to not notice something so obvious?

"I'm not hungry," I replied shortly.

"T, you have to eat something," Emma tried to convince me

"But I'm really n-" I started to reject the offer again, but I was interrupted by the strong voice of my third friend.

"Get that lazy ass off the bed! Yes, you broke up with your boyfriend, I understand that, but you can't lie in bed and cry all day. I mean you can, but after you put something in your stomach. Get up!" I was so shocked by her remark that I got up almost stiffly, automatically listening.

I watched her in confusion as she walked out of the room with a proud expression on her face giving me privacy to get ready. Lena and Emma went along, shortly after, with a few glances directed in my direction. I exhaled after they got out and headed for the bathroom. At the very exit, my gaze accidentally fell on the window and I couldn't stand it without approaching and seeing what was hiding outside.

As I expected, Mateo was still waiting, his car proudly parked in the same spot as a couple of hours earlier. Somewhere deep down, I knew that he would not give up just like that, and precisely because of it, unexpected determination and defiance erupted in me. I will not allow him to see me in such a desperate state again, even if it was the last thing I'll ever do.

-

"I understand that it takes you hours to get ready when you do full makeup, but now you haven't even put anything on your face, what took you so long?" Sarah asked me as soon as I entered the living room.

She was right. I didn't put on makeup because I didn't have my suitcase with the products I use personally. I have never liked to borrow such intimate things from others. It may not have made much sense, but something in my brain didn't allow me to do it. Still, I tried my best to look at least decent. I took a shower, washed my hair, dried it, ironed it, put on the most beautiful outfit I could find in Lena's closet, which suited my body type and the occasion for which it was chosen. When I looked in the mirror, I was at least partially satisfied. Yes, my eyes were red and swollen from the sheer amount of crying, but I was somewhat hoping it would pass like fatigue. Besides that, I looked decent at least. Everything else would look forced and fake.

"Beauty takes time."

"That's just a fucking phrase," Sarah said, to which I just shrugged, I didn't have the slightest bit of will for anything else.

Before any of them had a chance to answer, the sound of a horn interrupted them. I looked at Emma who was already putting on her jacket in confusion.

"The boys are here," she replied simply.

"Why?" I asked her.

"They're coming with us, too," she paused and looked at me questioningly. "Is there a problem?"

I just stared through her for a few moments. After who knows how much, I shook my head, pulling myself together. However, the tension has not yet left my body. I knew it wasn't a good idea for Mateo to see me in their company, especially after what happened the night before, but to really convince them of that, I would have to explain what had happened, and I wanted to avoid that at all cost.

Lena looked at me knowingly and I just nodded that everything was fine, even though that wasn't really the case. Of course, she knew me too well to swallow that lie. She approached me, handed me one of her jackets, and grabbed me tightly around the upper arm. Sarah looked at us strangely, probably slowly realizing that not everything is as simple as we tried to make it seem, but she didn't comment and I was more than grateful for that.

A few seconds later, we got out and immediately headed for the two cars that belonged to Luke and Victor. I couldn't help myself so I took a glance in Mateo's direction. The tinted windows prevented me from seeing his expression again, but the tension I felt was so similar to the one I had felt the night when I had met him that I didn't have the slightest doubt that he was watching me. Knowing him, I could say with certainty that he was not happy with what he saw.

The shiver went through my body at the very thought of what he could do, the courage and defiance that was previously more than evident slowly but surely leaving my being. Fear of his next step overwhelmed my body, awakening a familiar feeling of anxiety.

I practically pulled Lena towards Victor's car so that the damage that would undoubtedly be caused would be as small as possible. Fortunately, she did not need an explanation, so she immediately did what I asked of her, but demanding that I go inside first.

As I sank into the seat, I glanced at the car that held so many memories, and I could have sworn I saw a pair of angry dark eyes looking directly at mine.

-

"Is he for real?" Lena, who was sitting to my right in a crowded restaurant, pointed her head in the direction of the restaurant entrance.

I turned somewhat subtly in that direction and, not so surprised, saw Mateo enter through the same door through which the seven of us had entered a few moments before. Our eyes met for a moment, but I turned away quickly and turned back to my blonde friend.

"He followed us all the way," I told her with a sigh.

"Don't worry, T, we're all here, there's nothing he can do," she reassured me, not letting me take my eyes off her. She put her hand over mine and squeezed it lightly, trying to let me know that I had her support.

As much as I felt fear, sadness, anxiety, her words warmed my heart. Knowing that I had someone by my side, whoever it was, made me feel a million times better. And yet, that million can never replace infinity.

"I thought Lena and Sarah were in a relationship? What are these new moments?" Victor interjected with a small joke, trying to break the tension.

"I know, she's taking my girl from me in front of my eyes," Sarah added, nodding her head, but with a worried expression on her face. I was aware that I would have to come up with a good excuse as soon as possible so that I would not be forced to tell her the truth.

"I have to show her she could do better," I laughed with such a fake smile I wanted to vomit.

"True, you're not paying me enough attention," Lena winked at her. Sarah's previously worried look turned into a beautiful glow. Their love was so obvious that I felt stupid not noticing it before.

"So you're replacing me with someone else? Eh, loyalty these days..." Sarah shook her head.

"I know, right?" Victor added.

"Cheers to love!" Stephan exclaimed and picked up a glass of juice that the waiter had just put on his table, scaring him in the process.

"Cheers to love!" Emma and Victor did the same, while the rest of us just brought our juices to our lips.

The three of them seemed to be unaware of the tension at the table. Lena and I practically felt Mateo's sharp gaze, Sarah suspected that something serious was happening, and Luke... Luke was eerily quieter than usual. He glanced at me a couple of times since we sat down, but he never said a word. In fact, he did not speak with anyone. I was surprisingly interested in what was going on with him, but the tension of someone's gaze spreading through the back of my neck was a sufficient indicator that I shouldn't do a thing or that would be a mistake.

"Hey T, what happened with that boyfriend of yours in the end?" Victor suddenly asked me which made my whole body freeze. I slowly swallowed the juice that was already in my mouth, and reluctantly looked up at him.

"We broke up," I somehow spit the words out, my voice eventually cracking.

Against my will, my eyes filled with treacherous liquid. I tried to wipe away the tears by blinking, but I didn't quite succeed. Noticing that, Victor changed the topic and turned to Stephan, starting a conversation about something completely different.

I couldn't take it anymore. I got up abruptly and muttered that I had to use the toilet. My head was lowered because tears threatened to fall down my face at any moment. I refused to let my friends see me like that, and I couldn't keep myself from breaking for long. Lena stopped me for a moment, her gaze asking me if she should go with me, but I shook my head and practically ran in the direction of the restroom.

-

I flushed the toilet for the third time in ten minutes I spent in the restroom of the restaurant, vomiting almost non-stop. I didn't even know there was anything in my stomach that could have been thrown out. However, every time I did it, I was more and more surprised. Out of so much fatigue, I neglected the basic rules of hygiene, and fell to the surprisingly clean floor, leaning against the cold, light blue tiles.

I closed my eyes, letting out a breath. Nausea stung me, and I could only imagine what I looked like. The feeling in my mouth was so disgusting that it almost caused a new round of vomiting. I took deep sighs in an attempt to calm down and calm the mild dizziness, in which I was slowly succeeding. I was so exhausted that I could have fallen asleep in there, with all the half-dried tears on my face and the unpleasant smell that spread through the room. Still, I managed to force myself to get up.

My knees were so weak that I feared I would fall at any moment. However, I had enough strength to open the door and get out. I headed for one of the sinks, not looking up, not even once. I let the water run and tried to somehow rinse my mouth and wash my face. I wanted to pull myself together at all costs.

After regaining some composure, I slowly raised my head to the mirror that was in front of me. I jumped at what I saw. I was so surprised, and there shouldn't be a reason for it. I put my hand over my heart and closed my eyes for a moment. Immediately after, I looked through the mirror at the person standing right behind me, directly into his eyes.

"I should have known," I said shortly, barely controlling the trembling of my voice.

"Are you okay?" He asked me, to which I laughed sarcastically.

"Am I okay? What do you think, Mateo, am I? My emotions were so conflicted in his presence that the same rage from a few hours earlier came back and was worse than ever. The fear that should have been present was not even in sight. I was so confused about him that there were days when I wondered if I had dissociative identity disorder.

I turned around violently and fixed my eyes on his again, challenging him to open his mouth.

"Tara, please-" He started pathetically.

"Please what?" I raised an eyebrow.

I didn't know at what point our roles changed so much, but if the scene hadn't been sad, it would have been completely comical.

"Tara, I swear to you I'll-" He began saying with some determination, but I interrupted him once again.

"You swear you'll do what? Change? Where have I heard that before?" I asked him boldly, pretending to be immersed in thought.

I saw the fire in his eyes due to the fact that he didn't like the way I addressed him, but I didn't care. I didn't care about him, and I, obviously, didn't even care about me. He deserved every poisonous word that came out of my mouth, no matter the consequences.

"Tara, I love you."

That sentence would have affected me in a million different ways if I had decided to hear it. But the blockade I set up was indestructible. I rolled my eyes and tried to walk past him, without saying a word, however, I did not succeed. He gripped my forearm tightly, preventing me from moving an inch.

I turned my head towards him, our eyes completely fixed on each other, in complete harmony.

"You're mine," he whispered.

His gaze was intense, promising, with emotions he had never allowed me to see before. It was a real shame that it didn't matter. He did the right thing at the wrong time, which made it right. He was so intelligent, and yet he failed to understand how I function. Although, maybe that was the tragic fact, maybe I wasn't myself around him.

I tried to look back at him with the same intensity, letting him know with my eyes that the next sentence was final.

"Not anymore."

I pulled my arm out of his grip, turned and walked out, leaving him standing alone, the way it should have been a long time ago.

I won't let him see me broken no matter how dead I am inside.

A/N

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