"You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore."

― William Faulkner

"Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart."

― Roy T. Bennett

"Only the dead have seen the end of war."

― Plato

Chapter 14

I loved my life, no matter how much suffering I went through. For example, I had an awful family life. I was on bad terms with my mother and what my father and I had couldn't even be called a relationship. However, I had many friends I was sure I could count on no matter what. They made me feel good and happy, and I knew that they would never turn their back on me, which was the only actually important thing. I believed that the two sides could eventually cancel each other out. Furthermore, there was this little fact that consisted of me thinking that I could do something with my life, something beautiful and powerful. I was ambitious by nature and just enough arrogant to believe that I could accomplish most of the things I worked for. Thus, I had plenty of reasons to be satisfied with my life. Even if those reasons didn't exist, I had always thought that life could be beautiful if we focus on the right values and if we looked at the world with optimistic energy. There were bad moments, it would be strange if not, but after all those bad times, we would find ourselves in good ones that make life worth living.

That was the reason why I was on a verge of a panic attack when I heard Mateo's sharp and deep voice. I was aware what this scene, me with his phone in my hands, looked like - exactly like it was supposed to.

Mateo was mysterious to put it lightly, but he wasn't stupid. He knew since the moment he caught me in the act, what my intention was, yet, I still tried to get out of the uncomfortable and slightly threatening situation.

"Well...you see..." I stuttered because I essentially had no idea what to tell him.

"Watch what you're saying," he warned me. I knew what that was supposed to mean. Like he had said million times before, he despised liars, but I couldn't fight my impulses.

"I was only trying to see what-" I wasn't even able to finish the sentence before he got up, fully awake, and snatched his phone out of my hand. I couldn't even think of things he could do with it and he had already thrown It with all his might. The device flew at high speed for a few seconds, until it hit the wall and fell to the floor, rolling a couple of times along the way. Even from a distance, I noticed that it was completely destroyed. The screen was broken into a million pieces and the other parts of it were scatter around the room.

I couldn't take my eyes off the scene, or maybe I didn't dare to. I was sure that if I was to turn around, I'd have to face Mateo, and that was the last thing I wanted. The whole atmosphere was destructive which definitely didn't suit my body at the moment.

My heart was beating like crazy, I was even scared for a second, thinking that it would jump out of my body. My breathing was hard and heavy, I could see my chest moving, trying to force my lungs to do their job. I was shaking. I found myself in a similar situation a while ago, the only difference being that at the time it was my phone that suffered consequences. I had a strong feeling of Déjà vu, not only in a visual sense but also when it comes to my emotions too. I practically felt the same way I did back then, maybe even worse.

"Look at me," he said in a quiet tone. Nevertheless, I knew better - he was everything but calm.

I kept quiet. I was scared to speak seeing as I was pretty sure that my voice would crack if I do so.

"Tara," he warned me. My breath caught in my throat. The only smart thing I could've done was to do as he says, but I couldn't bring myself to actually act on that. I wasn't able to voice out my thoughts. It felt like my mouth was sealed. That frustrated me so much I eventually started sweating. It was so hot in a room I thought I would faint at any moment.

Mateo didn't like repeating himself and he confirmed that with his next action. Within the second he roughly, and a bit painfully, grabbed my jaw and turned my head around so I was facing him. He brought my face closer to his using inexplicable force and started shouting at me.

"What the hell did I tell you?!" I was most likely experiencing claustrophobia due to the combination of the volume of his voice and his strong grip. I wasn't even aware of the obvious pain I was in. The only thing I wanted was for him to let me go. My eyes were filling with tears and I tried to fight it, but I wasn't particularly successful. I was on a verge of a breakdown and he was well aware of it.

„Don't you dare cry!" Contrary to his wishes, his order worked as a trigger for my tears. The moment he said that I immediately started crying. Ugly tears were rolling down my face, paired with continuous hiccupping and followed by emission of unarticulated sounds.

I didn't know how much time had passed, maybe minutes, maybe only seconds, but for me, it felt like an eternity. I cried like a baby without stopping to take some much-needed breaths. Although even if I did want to, I wouldn't be able to. I wasn't truly in control of my body. Truthfully, I wasn't aware of a reason for my tears. The only thing I was sure of was the fear that was embedded deep into my body, skin, and blood.

"Shut up!" He yelled one more time and in the next moment, I felt his hand against my mouth, successfully keeping me quiet. However, he didn't stop there. He roughly pushed me back on the bad, put his legs on either side of my waist, with one hand still pressed against my mouth and the other around my neck. I whimpered, but his tactic was effective - I stopped crying almost immediately. The reason for that was my actual fear of what he would do to me otherwise. My heart almost jumped out of my chest due to the level of anxiety that ruled over my body.

"I'll take my hand off if you promise I won't hear a single sound coming from your mouth," He said harshly. He didn't have to tell me twice - I nodded my head right away. His grip was so strong I was sure a few bruises were bound to form.

He waited for a couple of seconds, probably so he could be sure that I was being honest and that he could trust me. After he got his confirmation, he slowly took his hands off me, but not backing away completely. He was still close enough, invading my personal space. I automatically brought my hand to my neck and rubbed it to ease the pain. I coughed a couple of times. It was difficult for me to even out my breathing, but after a few moments, I managed to do that as well.

„Now, you owe me an explanation." This time he didn't yell. Actually, he sounded rather calm which made me even more suspicious. Nonetheless, I knew that it was better for me to do what I was being told. I didn't want the repetition of the previous episode.

"I wanted to answer your phone," I said in a hoarse voice. I had trouble breathing and I could still feel the consequences of his actions.

"And?" He insisted.

"I wanted to find out..." I didn't finish the sentence. Both of us knew what I wanted to find out. There was no need for me to say it out loud. Sometimes you don't have to say the words for them to be heard.

"Babe." The sudden change in his voice confused me so bad it made my blood run cold. He started caressing my hair and face with such gentleness he seemed like a completely different person. "Don't you ever do some stupid shit like that again, otherwise you wouldn't like the consequences, I guarantee you that. Are we clear?" He looked me directly in the eyes while he was saying those words, playing with a strand of my hair. I felt his warm breath on my neck. His voice was calm, but I could decipher the threat hidden somewhere beneath that, it wasn't like he was threatening me like that for the first time.

I nodded my head, not being able to vocalize my comprehension.

"Words, Tara."

"Yes."

He smirked and I shuddered, looking into his dangerous eyes that told me everything I needed to know. Slowly, he brought his lips down to mine in a long, exquisite kiss. For the first time since we've been together, his kisses haven't made me feel better.

-

The sight of my reflection in the mirror was disturbing, to say the least. After I had woken up and had noticed that Mateo wasn't lying in bed next to me, I run to the bathroom to check if my suspicions were correct. Unfortunately, it turned out I was completely right. My eyes were swollen from crying, my hair was all over the place, I had dark circles under my eyes, yet none of that looked as scary as my neck and jaw.

I brought my fingers to one of the many bruises I had there. I lightly touched it. It didn't hurt as much as I had thought It would, in fact, it almost didn't hurt at all. However, that didn't make me feel better. I looked horrible and the tears threatened to start falling down my cheeks. I wasn't even sure how I got this many bruises. Mateo's hold was strong, there was no denying that, but I didn't think it was this harsh.

I sighed, realizing I didn't have much choice and went into the shower to take a bath. I hoped that the warm water could help me relax a bit, seeing as I didn't see what other choices I had.

Approximately half an hour later, I got out of the shower, the hot steam trailing behind me. I was slightly disappointed because I had to face reality, especially because I was really enjoying myself. My muscles were finally relaxed and I felt a million times lighter and better.

I put on one of Mateo's T-shirts, which, as usual, reached my thighs. His clothes were quite comfortable and I had no desire or need for dressing up.

I let my hair loose from the towel, combed it, and let it dry naturally. I was hesitant to go down to the kitchen. I assumed that Mateo was there judging by the beautiful aroma that reached the bedroom. I still haven't fully processed what had happened the night before therefore I had no idea how he would react seeing me. Still, I had a feeling that It wouldn't do me any good to ignore his presence, especially if he was already aware that I had woken up.

Somehow I mustered up the courage and took slow steps towards the kitchen. The anxiety I felt at that moment wouldn't leave me alone even for a second. I was shaking so bad I could barely walk. I didn't want to see him. I hardly felt ready to face his wrath. The thing he did was so confusing, infuriating, and terrifying at the same time. He didn't even seem like himself, it felt like that was some other Mateo who only made me fear him and nothing more.

As I was approaching the place he was in, I smelled the same enthralling aroma as before. He was making breakfast, I was positive. However, I couldn't place my finger on what the meal was supposed to be.

As soon as I stepped foot into the kitchen, I was visibly surprised by the sight in front of me. Mateo was facing away from me and was making some pasta sauce. The only thing he had on was grey sweatpants that sat dangerously low on his hips. Due to that, I was able to see his black boxers that were so tight I had a perfect view of his enviable ass. My lips suddenly became chapped. His appearance did things to my body that were everything but innocent.

I was stunned by the contradiction of my feelings and the reactions of my body. How is it possible that someone is so terrified of a certain person and at the same time feels an indescribable attraction towards him?

Sensing my presence, Mateo turned around and gave me his beautiful, million-dollar smile.

"Good morning, princess," he said gently and immediately started moving his gaze around the room, trying to find something.

When he finally found what he was looking for, his face lit up and for a moment he looked like a little, innocent boy who was way too good for this world. He started walking in the opposite direction of mine, but even though that was the case, I flinched for a second. I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, it felt like I was acting on impulse. Fortunately, he didn't notice.

He finally got to the kitchen table and that was the first time I noticed a bouquet of beautiful red roses that were placed there. He took them in his hands and at the very next moment, he was in front of me.

"For you," he handed me flowers.

I felt my eyes go wide. In a state of shock, I shifted my gaze from Mateo to the bouquet, and so on, over and over again. It wasn't clear to me what he was trying to do, I felt as if there was a hidden intention. I didn't even dare to take roses, The sleeping beauty suddenly coming to my mind. I was aware that I was exaggerating, but his demeanor was completely different from last night, so no one could blame me for that.

"Babe," he started. "I'm sorry for everything that happened last night, I had no intention of hurting you..." He stopped for a moment, looking at the bruises on my neck. An unfamiliar emotion flashed in his eyes, however, I didn't know him well enough to even try to decipher what it meant. "I went crazy for a second and I know that that's not an excuse for my actions, but please understand, trust me, I would never intentionally hurt you." He sounded so sincere and remorseful that it softened my heart.

He probably noticed the change in my expression. I wasn't as scared and nervous as before, so he brought his hand to my face and started caressing my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. This person was, in fact, a man who could always make me feel better.

„Am I forgiven?" He breathed down my neck huskily, his warm breath creating goosebumps all over my body. Shivers ran down my spine due to the closeness and intimacy the position we were in held.

I nodded my head in confirmation. I was sure that he wasn't fond of the way I had responded, seeing as he would always order me to use my voice, but he probably didn't want to start yet another argument this time. I was partially aware that I forgave him way too easily, but I didn't care at the moment. That was, most likely, one of the stupidest things I had ever done, but I couldn't fight my feelings and desires, they were too intense

He put the bouquet aside and at the very next moment, his lips found their way to mine. The electricity I felt at the time could not be overcome by anything bad that had happened before. In such a short time, he managed to take over my whole body and soul and I began to wonder to what extent I was ready to go for him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. He put his own on my thighs, lifting them so I could wrap my legs around his waist. Holding me like that, he took me to the kitchen table and put me on the edge of it, without interrupting the kiss at any moment.

My whole body was on fire. He touched me wherever he could, arms, legs, chest, he didn't discriminate.

"God, you're beautiful!" He said in a breathy voice and continued his attack. He put one hand on my thigh yet again, stroking it roughly. At one point he rose his hand and grabbed my ass. He then squeezed it and yanked me closer to him and I let out a loud moan in the process. He smirked and continued to play with my behind, though I was sure it was already red.

He wrapped his other hand around my hair and pulled it back firmly, making up space so he could attack my neck He removed his lips from mine and shifted all his attention to that part of my body. He first started kissing my neck slowly and gently, but shortly after he became more aggressive.

Everything he did to my body turned me on immensely. I was so hot I thought I would burn to death. The lower parts of my body also needed relief. I was touching Mateo wherever I wanted, and he made it two times easier because he didn't have his shirt on. I've always had a thing for tattoos on men, and now having one in front of me that looked better than I could have ever dreamed of. It had such an effect on me that I would definitely need a cold shower and a change of underwear afterward.

Everything was perfect, I felt like I was in some kind of trance, up until the moment when he bit my neck. I was aware that the whole thing was supposed to be sensual and passionate, he didn't have an intention to hurt me, but I couldn't stop myself from letting out a quiet yelp. In a rush of want and need, he found a place where one of the bruises was.

I noticed that what he had done affected him more than it should have. He immediately removed his hands from my body and backed away from me, leaving my legs hanging in the air seeing as I no longer had any support. My body seemed to cool automatically, longing for the warmth of his.

"Tara, baby, I'm sorry, I..." He paused, unable to finish the sentence.

"Mateo, It's fine." I didn't tell him that so he could feel better, I really meant it. I knew that he did it in a heat of the moment and that biting a spot on someone's neck in a moment of passion is pretty common and normal - usually, even I enjoyed it. Furthermore, the pain almost completely went away. The only thing I felt was frustration because I craved his touch.

"No, It's not," he was shaking his head and started to walk backward- Before he was out of my reach, I quickly grabbed his hands and pulled him to my body. He stood between my legs, yet he still wasn't looking at me, he just stared at the floor. It was weird to see Mateo like that as he was usually the one who was calm and composed.

"Mateo, look at me." I cupped his cheeks and forced him to do exactly that.

I gasped, feeling surprised when I noticed his eyes that seemed completely different than ever. They were no longer harsh, cold, calculated. Now they just looked lifeless and that broke my heart.

"I'm fine, really, it doesn't even hurt anymore. Don't do this to yourself," I said trying to sound as gentle as I could, giving him an encouraging smile. With that, I tried to make him see that I was being truthful and that my feelings for him didn't change.

"Are you sure?" He asked and sounded uncertain and somewhat sad.

I pulled him impossibly close to me, our foreheads touching.

"I'm sure."

-

"And what about this one?" Emma showed us the seventh dress in a row within five minutes. This one was bright red, sleeveless, and quite short. The dress was beautiful, with no additional details because satin was quite sufficient in that aspect.

"Where are you going, again?" Sarah commented, mockery clear in her voice. We all knew the reason why Emma, within an hour at most, made us show up at her house and started demanding our opinions on different types of outfits.

"Very funny," Emma rolled her eyes. "What's wrong with the dress? T?" She turned around to face me.

"You want to go on a movie date in that dress, that's what's wrong," Sarah said. This time, she was the one to roll her eyes. Emma only shot her a dirty look and Sarah only smirked. I couldn't understand why Emma thought it would actually affect her, she had to know better.

"Tara!" She yelled which made me jump in fear.

"What's wrong with you?" I was beyond annoyed with her attitude.

"I asked you something," she said in an irritated tone, reminding me that she had previously asked for my opinion on the dress.

"You are wearing it for the wrong person," I murmured. She let out a frustrated sigh.

"Seriously?" She asked me in disbelief.

"Yep."

"Is all this because of Victor?"

"Of course it's because of Victor."

I didn't know myself why I didn't like the idea of Emma having a date with a guy that isn't him, it just felt wrong. And Victor was my friend and I was sure that he would feel hurt in the end, even though he tried to act like nothing she could possibly do would be able to affect him.

"He's not your best friend, you know? I am." She sounded hurt and I felt a little bit guilty because of it. However, that still didn't change the fact that I thought that what she was doing was wrong.

"You don't even love that guy, whatever his name is," I commented.

"Of course I don't love him, we only went on a few dates. I don't hook up with someone on a first date, like someone I know," I rolled my eyes, not feeling even slightly offended. I was aware of what her opinion on my relationship was and frankly, I couldn't care less.

Some people immediately hit it off, feel the connection at the very beginning and that's okay. I don't see the point in belittling their feelings.

"Low blow, E, and not cool," Sarah said instead of me.

"And since when do you like the guy?" Emma spat.

"I don't, but T is my best friend and I had no need to hurt her feelings." She raised her eyebrow, challenging her to confront her. At that very moment, I noticed the change in Emma's expression. It seemed as if she finally understood what she was saying and that she wasn't exactly indifferent about it.

"I'm sorry, T," she said, sounding quite remorseful.

"It's fine," I smiled and she returned the gesture. I was sure that she loved me but at times, she didn't have a filter.

"So, you're going out with your man, huh? I mean according to your heavy makeup," In an attempt to lighten up the mood, she teased me. I would usually laugh at her assumptions, but this time, the real reason was far from amusing. I had spent almost an hour, but I managed to cover up the bruises on my neck and face with makeup. I didn't want them to see what had happened to me due to the fact that they would probably start exaggerating and make the whole thing seem far worse than it really was. Mateo said that it wouldn't happen again and I trusted him.

"Yeah, Mateo is taking me to the fair," I muttered. That wasn't exactly a lie. Mateo did promise to take me to the fair, but that wasn't something for which I would put this much makeup on.

I felt Lena's eyes on me. Her gaze was so intense I didn't really have any other choice but to notice it. I was sure that she was aware that what I said wasn't the real reason as she has always been able to see through my facade. Yet, she couldn't really say anything at this point. She had her own secrets and she didn't want me to start questioning her again. I was actually thankful for that because I definitely wasn't ready to tell her what she would most likely want to know.

"Really, a fair?" Sarah asked, confused.

"I believe so. He said that he would pick me up after work." And I still had no idea what his job was. All that awful stuff had happened and it was all for nothing.

"You guys spend so much time together I sometimes wonder how you'll be able to stay apart when we go on the trip," Emma commented, clearly amused by the future circumstances Mateo and I would be under.

"I wondered the same thing," Sarah joined in on the fun.

"I bet that she will spend the whole time there on her phone."

"Yeah, and she would tell him Oh my love, you can't even imagine how much I miss you." Both of them burst out laughing after Sarah's awful attempt to imitate my voice.

"I don't talk like that." I looked at them annoyed. I crossed my arms over my chest and pursed my lips in anger.

"You're so cute when you're sulking!" I should've expected her next move. Emma approached me and started pinching my cheeks while emitting inarticulate sounds.

I tried to get her off me, but it was harder than it looked. I hated when they did that, and they did it regardless, more often than not. They even embarrassed me a couple of times when we were at the university when the three of them started to take turns pinching my cheeks. I never understood why that was so interesting to them. At times, I wanted to retaliate with the same measure, but on the other hand, I knew how it feels and I didn't want the same for them, I wasn't that cruel. Yet, at the moment, my wonderful friend was so persistent I even tried to bite her at one point, in an attempt to finally get her off me.

"So cute!" She literally shouted again, which didn't sit well with my eardrums.

"You're crazy!" I shouted back. Finally, I managed to get away from her and her evil hands. Woman needed professional help. I seriously started worrying about her mental state.

However, before I could tell her anything, I felt a vibration in the pocket of my jeans. I took the phone in my hands. I was aware of their stares, one more intense than the others.

When I looked down at the phone, I was greeted by a message from Mateo in which he informed me that he was waiting for me outside.

There was only one thing I could think of at that moment.

I didn't give him Emma's address, how did he know where I was?

~

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