"Because you're not the same little kid anymore," Aureus said.

"Which doesn't mean I won't revert back to him at any moment," John complained.

Aureus sighed and shook her head. Picking up the beer bottle in front of her, she took a long drink. John sensed her frustration—she always had far more confidence in him than he had in himself, but he was worried, and she didn't seem to be buying into it. He drank from his own beer and sat back in the booth they shared.

The problem was Devon was getting married. Well, his brother's coming marriage wasn't the problem. John was happy for the couple. Devon and Sophie, his fiancée, had been to campus a couple of times to visit and seemed very much in love. No, what John worried about was going back to Sandton for the wedding. He'd made a deliberate effort to steer clear of the place, other than for flying visits, either taking summer classes or crashing with friends and working in Chapel Hill during vacations. Sandton scared him. Here he felt safe, almost anonymous, different, but everyone here was different. At home he'd be expected to be all those things he'd never been in high school, and he really didn't think he could face it.

He tried to analyze what he was afraid of. Maybe it was because he thought he might give himself away—by looking at him, those people who'd known him all his life would guess his secret. Or maybe it was there would be no outlet. He knew by now the more stressed he was, the more he needed his late-night walks, and in Sandton he'd be stressed and unable to do anything about it.

"You know, maybe you need, like, a security blanket," Aureus was saying, her eyes shining in the neon lights of the bar.

"Huh?" John thought he might have missed something while lost in his own analysis.

"No, hear me out," she explained. "You need something that reminds you of who you are, so you don't fall back into your old habits. It could be, like, your Carolina baseball cap or something. Or even one of those elastic bands addicts put on their wrists—you know, the ones smokers use sometimes to quit? The idea is any time you get panicky or worried, you have something to remind you that you're better than the habit."

John considered this. All right, he wasn't going to wear a cap to the wedding. He didn't think his mother would be too thrilled. But maybe there was something he could do. He was torn. He'd need some time to think about whether it was the right thing or not. Perhaps, it might work.

"Remember, John, you're not the same high school kid, really," Aureus said, patting his hand. "You've come a long way, pretty far out of your shell. You're an adult now. You'll be graduating next year, and you've got nothing to feel scared about."

He smiled at her. She was right. He wasn't a kid. His confidence had blossomed, and he could totally handle a small town wedding. Besides, Aureus would be there to hold his hand.

***

Sophie's parents were determined to make this the biggest wedding Sandton had ever seen, and since her father was a local doctor, it meant everyone was going to be there.

"Nervous, bro?" John asked.

Devon shook his head. "Nah, I'm going to be fine. I just want to get the formal part done. Then, we can all relax and party. Mind you," he paused for a second as he fixed his tie in the mirror, "if I'd had my way, we'd have eloped."

John laughed, and Devon smiled back at him from the mirror. "You're really happy, aren't you?"

Devon's face beamed. "Happier than you'll ever know, bro. Wait till this happens to you. It's an amazing feeling."

John lowered his eyes for a split second, but Devon caught the motion.

"It will happen, John. I know things were hard for you here. I remember everything. I was always here for you. But look at how you've turned out. Leaving Sandton was the best thing that ever for you. Pretty soon, you'll graduate and have lots of time to find someone. You're leaps and bounds more than what you were, and I'm proud of you."

John nodded slowly, giving Devon a half-smile. "Thanks," he said quietly.

"You know, Mom and Dad are convinced that you're going to marry Aureus," Devon said.

This made John laugh again. "She's my best friend, bro. Besides, I think she might have an eye on someone else." He stopped laughing as he thought of Aureus and J.P.

"Well, you might want to let Mom and Dad know, since I think Mom might be starting to plan your wedding." Devon grinned. "Now I gotta go check on the ring situation, and you'd better be getting your suit on, or Mom will kill you."

He waited until Devon had left the room, then locked the door. He'd brought a special bag with him, and now it was time. He felt odd about mixing clothes, something he'd never done before but had decided in the end it would be worth it. Even as he slid the panties up over his legs, he started to feel better, calmer inside. It had been the right decision. He'd hesitated over the bra, but he'd chosen a white sports bra, unobtrusive, something that would easily be hidden by the waistcoat of his formal suit. Slipping it on and feeling the tight elastic around his chest, he breathed more evenly.

Putting the suit on was hard. It felt wrong to mix his special clothes and his public clothes, although he'd already decided he would sacrifice the special clothes after the wedding and throw them away as soon as he got back to school.

Once the suit was on top, there was no sign of his underwear. But John knew. He understood on the inside he was himself; it was only a different facade. He even had the strength to give himself a glance in the mirror as he passed by, knowing the stranger would be looking back at him but also realizing the real him was lurking immediately below the surface.

***

Aureus looked stunning, but she always did. John felt a pang of envy as he saw the way her dress skimmed her legs, and he had to swallow hard imagining the feeling of the material on his body. She'd chosen a deep purple, a color exactly matching her eyes. He grinned at her as he walked down the aisle of the church beside Devon, and she smiled back. He noted his mom was already crying, and his father looked as though he were about to choke due to his too tight collar.

The wedding itself was over before he knew it. He handed the ring to Devon at the appropriate time, signed the register when he was ordered to, and that was it. He was done. All left to do was to congratulate the couple, get some photos taken, and head for the country club for the reception. Aureus had been right—it had been ridiculous to worry about coming here, and he'd never have missed Devon's big day. He'd been acting selfishly.

Now, there was one thing left to deal with. His speech. As Devon's best man, he was required to make one. It was something not quite as terrifying as it once was, but the prospect still made him nervous. Nevertheless, he and Aureus had worked hard, and he was satisfied he had something to say.

Aureus had advised him to stay away from crude jokes and to be heartfelt, simple, and short. It was exactly what he did. He thought he saw a glisten in his brother's eyes as he spoke, and he definitely heard his mom sniffing.

It was through the applause he heard it: "Yo, Ladybird."

Crap. He should have guessed. He scanned the crowd but didn't see him. J.P.'s father knew everyone, though; it should be no surprise if J.P. were here. John took his seat next to Aureus.

"Did you hear it?" he whispered. "J.P.'s here somewhere."

Aureus's face paled. "Just stay out of his way. It'll be fine," she hissed back.

For a second, he thought about what he'd seen outside the dorm. He'd assumed Aureus and J.P. had some kind of fight—she'd obviously been upset, but she hadn't wanted to talk about it. It saddened him a little because she had to keep this part of her life from him, but he understood why she might feel weird talking to him about J.P. After all, John had his own secrets from her, so maybe this made them even. It was a scab he didn't want to pick at, though, assuming a time would come when she would tell him everything. Or things wouldn't work out with J.P., and she'd find someone else. John had been mildly surprised she'd slept with J.P., thinking it was not only was it unlike her—he knew she'd considered virginity important—but also it was weird she hadn't at least mentioned something. However, sex was a topic they tried to avoid, so maybe it wasn't so weird at all.

His eyes finally found J.P. sitting at a table on the other side of the room. He looked drunk already, his tie askew and a couple of empty glasses in front of him. What on Earth Aureus saw in him, John couldn't imagine. On the other hand, he couldn't understand why Aureus wanted to be best friends with him, either, so maybe she just had odd taste. His thoughts were interrupted by Devon and Sophie's first dance, and he didn't spare a thought for J.P. for a long while.

***

He wasn't drunk, but he was a little tipsy. Aureus had disappeared off to the restroom ages ago, and John found himself alone. His parents were occupied with their friends, and Devon danced with his new wife. John stretched. Maybe he should hit a lavatory, himself.

Wandering through the labyrinth of the country club, trying to find a men's room, he almost walked past the cracked-open door. He didn't know what it was that made him turn back and gently push the door an inch or so further open.

Peeking inside, he had to look twice before he recognized what he saw. Then he hurriedly withdrew his head. Aureus and J.P. He should have known when she'd disappeared. Again, he stepped into the hallway, but something was wrong. Why did he take so long to put the pieces together? What he'd seen was out of place.

He swung back, barreling through the door, yanking J.P. away from Aureus by the collar of his shirt. The shoulder strap of her dress was broken, her lipstick smudged where J.P.'s hand had been covering her mouth. What had been happening here suddenly hit John viscerally, and for a moment, he wanted to run away.

"Ladybird," sneered J.P. "Why don't you find your own date?"

It happened in a flash. John had never hit anyone before. He was surprised at how much it hurt his fist as his knuckles crunched into J.P.'s cheekbone. He drew his arm back to hit again, the motion smoother this time. When he found he couldn't strike again, he looked down to see Aureus's hand grasping his wrist.

"Stop," she said.

He nodded.

J.P. turned his head and spat blood onto the carpet. "I'll fucking kill you."

There was more shock than anger in his voice, and the way he slurred over his words, John knew J.P. was drunker than he had any right to be and still be standing.

"No, you won't," Aureus said calmly. "You'll leave now. Before I call for help."

He spat once more, sniffing as he did so. "Fuck you. Fuck both of you." He lumbered out of the room, and John felt Aureus's hand leave his arm.

There was a small couch between the two windows of the room, and taking Aureus by the elbow, he escorted her there and sat her down. Then, he took off his suit jacket and put it around her shoulders before sitting next to her. He was shaking because of both what he had seen and what he'd done.

"Aur," he whispered. "Did he . . . ?"

He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence, and he found himself exhaling a breath he hadn't known he was holding when she shook her head.

"No. He tried. He was going to. You got here in time."

Her voice was flat, emotionless. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in close, feeling her warm breath against his chest. He held her for long minutes, waiting until her heart slowed. She was the first to speak.

"It's okay. I'm okay." She sat up now. "I was just scared, that's all. And you were brilliant." She gave a small laugh. "My hero."

He smiled but could still feel the anger burning inside him. He had to ask. Had to know.

"Aur, was it like this the first time?"

Her brow furrowed. "What first time? What are you talking about?"

John cleared his throat. "I mean, the first time you and J.P, er, you know...was it like this—did he, well, did he force you?"

Aureus shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about, Birdman. What first time?"

He couldn't believe she was actually going to make him say it. "The first time that you two, um, when you had sex. It was consensual, wasn't it?"

He didn't know what he was going to do if she said no, but he needed to know the truth. To his surprise, though, she was looking at him angrily.

"What makes you think that I've slept with J.P.?" she said, her voice eerily calm.

He shrugged. "J.P. said something one time."

Aureus gritted her teeth. "That bastard."

As it dawned on him what had happened, John felt a weight lifting from his shoulders. "You mean you haven't?"

"No, I damn well haven't. And if I see his sorry ass again, I'm going to kill him."

"Not if I see him first," John said, sharing her anger.

"Thank you," Aureus said, turning to face him. "You saved me. I've no idea how you got the strength to do it, but whatever your secret is, I'm grateful."

For a brief moment, John thought about sharing his secret. He knew exactly why he'd been able to hit J.P., with enough grit to stand up for himself and for Aureus. There was only one explanation: because he was being himself, because of what he was wearing. The moment of epiphany passed, and he said nothing.

"Sometimes it's hard being a girl," Aureus said, slipping her arms through the sleeves of his suit jacket.

She looked so small and delicate that he hugged her again. "It must be," he said.

Yet he knew it wasn't as hard being a girl as it was being a freak. He was sure it couldn't be. It wasn't likely that he was going to be finding out, though, was it?

*****