Serena.

Charles had returned - much to my astonished surprise. I was pretty sure that if a date's cat had pissed on my leg, I would have written that person off as 'things to never do ever again'. He seemed determined, a little overly so, which probably meant he hadn't seen a vagina in more than six months and mine was the closest to a goal that he had.

He wasn't bad to look at; tall, dark and sort of handsome. If you liked that preppy, stuffy look and weren't overly bothered about what came out of his mouth. Of course, my mother approved, which should have sent me running straight away. But then, it was sort of nice to have her approve of something for a change - even if it was a slightly boring, obsessive tie wearing, probably hadn't experimented much past missionary, average human.

Witches weren't the biggest fans of long-term. My own father being a witch who was currently somewhere in the party Island of Ibiza living it up with his girl of the month - who may or may not be, a few years younger than my own age of twenty-three. Considering our longevity, it was certainly plausible to run far and fast from having to stick with the same person for the rest of our very long lives. I mean, I couldn't imagine my father staying with my mother for over a thousand years - I couldn't stick her for more than twenty minutes - it would be a crime to ask him to. Not that he was such a breeze to be around either - the perpetual Peter Pan condition - although throw in the inability to be anything close to responsible and you get my father. I couldn't fathom what put the two of them in a room together long enough to create me - during my education they'd passed messages to each other through me as if I was their own personal pigeon mail. My mother insistent on referring to my father as 'The Turkey Baster', and my father returning the slur with his own - 'Wicked 3' - something he'd revelled in calling her since the late nineteen thirties due to the unfortunate production of the 'Wizard of Oz'. It's a constant source of surprise that I managed to reach adulthood without any serious mental illness.

Although Charles had phoned this morning to ask me out for lunch, he had also specified that we meet at the restaurant - the fact that he refused to pick me up and plainly didn't want another Cat episode wasn't obvious at all. I let him off the hook this time - I doubt he'd managed to get the acrid smell of cat pee out of his three thousand pound suit trousers, and for a man as prissy as Charles, that would hurt his soul a little. As expected, the restaurant he'd picked was a Michelin starred bistro in the small village of Bray, half an hours drive from my house. I wouldn't have presumed anything less from Charles Windsor the third, and not for the first time, I gagged a little at the thought of his full name.

As I hit the miles long country lanes that swung through farmland and great open forestry, Hayley's name popped up on hands-free. I cringed before answering - the girl definitely had some powers of premonition and she was lying when she denied it. "Hi, Hails."

"Serena?" Her sad puppy tone came loudly through the speakers. "What are you doing?"

"Why don't you tell me, you goddess-damned gypsy fortune teller."

She peeled off in musical titters of laughter, and I'm pretty sure glitter poofed through the phone line. "I'm not a gypsy, Serena, I just know you very well."

She did actually. Having known each other for nearly twenty years now it was almost impossible to keep anything secret from her. She was still a fucking liar. "Well if you insist on me putting it into words - I'm on my way to meet Charles for lunch."

Her little disappointed sigh was almost on par with my mothers, and I narrowed my eyes wondering if it was time to stow Hayley away somewhere that my mother and her little expressions couldn't rub off on my best friend. "I wish you'd listen to me about him."

"He's harmless, Hails, and It's just a lunch date - I'm not marrying the poor man." Because as much as he had gained my mother's approval, I wasn't that starved of her affection.

"Do you at least have Kitty with you?" Why she even bothered to ask was a confusing moment all on its own.

"Why would I take the Devil to lunch?" Screwing my nose up at just  the thought. I could almost hear her pouting, which made my stomach sink in regret, while cursing her ability to make even the most heinous villain want to make her constantly happy. "Stop that!" I snapped, forcing the harsh tone even though my brain near enough begged me to be nice.

"Serennaa," She whined, causing me to grit my teeth to stop the apology from leaving my mouth. Minutes passed before she gave up, then huffed and mumbled something to her lizard which sounded suspiciously like a cutesy 'I'd never leave you.'

Still not jealous.

"Fine! I'm just saying that whatever's going on in your relationship with your familiar, it's in his nature to make sure that you're safe. With your powers unstable, I don't want you in a situation you can't handle. I just want you to be careful, Serena, you're my best friend."

And didn't that just make me feel like the world's biggest shit. She wasn't just my best friend - she was my only friend. Hayley being just about the only person alive sweet enough to put up with both my parents and the slightly anti-social witch they'd created. I whined myself, knowing she'd won with that simple statement. "Fine, Hails, I'll be careful and next time I'll bring the fucking cat too."

She giggled and blew glitter kisses through the phone. "Love you, Serena, be good. Or if you can't be good, be safe."

I snorted. "No glove no love."

I could visualise her little scrunched up nose. "Not the image of Charles I wanted in my head." Then more mumbling to her besotted reptile. "I'm home all day, phone me when you're finished or if you need me to pick you up."

That was odd. "Why would I need you to pick me up?"

She hummed and ignored the question, rushing a hasty goodbye and blaming Lucian's need for attention. Either the fucking lizard had suddenly shifted to dragon and was currently on a city-wide rampage, or I call bullshit on her bullshit. I was tempted to ring her back - just to scream 'Liar' down the phone - but I had just about reached the restaurant and could already see Charles' Jaguar in the carpark.

Even his car is pretentious.

Honestly, at this point, I was beginning to agree with Hayley and her advice to cut ties with Charles. I don't know why I'd kept him around for so long - which had to be more than just pleasing my mother because, let's be real - a suitable boyfriend would only keep her from interfering for so long. Maybe I was just rewarding his efforts to stick around, he'd survived more than just cat pee, and I really did appreciate that about him.

Nevertheless, I'd yet to do the dirty with him and it had been almost four months of chaste kisses and one or two boob grabs. As much as the respectful distance was refreshing, sometimes a girl just needed to get laid, and unfortunately Charles was not the tear your clothes off, hair-pulling, rough and ready kind of man.

He seemed more orderly and functional.

Ew.

I entered the bistro and found Charles without the host's help - he always sat in the main part of any restaurant, claiming he felt uncomfortable being anywhere but dead centre. One of his many quirks that I'd overlooked, realising now that it only added to the list of 'irritating things about Charles'. He stood when I approached the table, wiping his hands on the cloth napkin provided - his palms were always excessively sweaty. Something else to put on that list.

"Serena, you look lovely." His voice was just a little too high for a man - just one more thing I'd ignored.

"Hi, Charles, have you ordered already?" I sat opposite him, avoiding the slight lean forward he made in expectation of a cheek kiss, knowing it would be soft and somewhat moist and with an easy break-away in mind, neither of us would be happy with an unrepentant grimace flashing across my face.

"Not yet, I though I'd wait for you, Darling."

I should probably have gotten it out of the way as soon as my brain became stuck on dumping Charles, but I was sort of starving due to skipping  breakfast and one more date couldn't hurt - it's not like the guy was in love with me - he had to realise that eventually a man with his family and connections was going to have to marry someone more appropriate - perhaps a Charlotte or an Elizabeth. Definitely not Serena the faulty West Coast Witch. "Great," I perused the menu while he poured a large glass of wine for me. Something I'd only sip at considering witches had an odd intolerance for alcohol. More than a glass or two and we were three sheets to the wind. "I think I'll have the chicken, if you've already decided?"

He nodded and waved the waiter over, giving him our orders and then placing his hand on the table - an unmissable cue for me to return the gesture and place my hand in his. That wasn't going to happen - sweaty palms and all that.

"I've been thinking, Serena, about us." Charles grabbed his wine glass with the same hand, attempting to cover for my lack of reciprocation.

"Oh?" I answered curiously, wondering if he'd come to the same conclusion that I had, and feeling oddly grateful for that.

"Yes, you see, we've been seeing each other for a while."

I nodded, smiling as he began his little break-off speech and as such, made it so much easier for me. I knew there was something about the man that I liked.

"Well, I've been thinking that we should invite your mother to my family's estate for the weekend. You know, a little get together so that they can meet before we take this relationship to the next level."

My face dropped. "What?"

He frowned slightly, that hand coming towards me again. "It's about time don't you think, Serena? We've been moving that way for a while now and I'd like to progress our courtship."

My father didn't even say courtship anymore - and he was literally born in the seventeenth century. "That's quite different than what I thought you were going to say." I went with those words because, they were the only words I had at the moment, when my brain was overtaken by a whole load of fucks.

He winked at me, "I know we've taken things slowly, but I admire that about you, Serena. I'm definitely thinking in the long term for us."

I gagged. And gagged a little more. Took a swallow of my wine and felt the burn in my empty stomach. I really wished he'd waited until after the food. "I'm not sure that we're on the same page here, Charles."

He grinned, "Nonsense, of course we are."

Well, with that dismissal, there went the control I'd steadfastly kept over my mouth. "Beg to differ, Charles, I'm really not on that page, heck I'm not even in the same book as you. The book is on fire, there are no pages left, and even the ashes have been tossed." I gulped the rest of my wine and refilled the second glass to the top. "Fuck sake, Charles, even my fucking cat doesn't like you." He seemed a little speechless - probably because I'd do far  kept a lid on my swearing infront of him. "Hayley kind of reminded me that I didn't really have any fun with you, and my mother likes you - which is pretty much the tsunami of all turn-offs. I was going to end it today, although I was rather hungry. I thought you had more class than to start any serious discussion before food, Charles, and now I'm never going to get my fucking chicken." I sighed into my wine, watching as Charles' face blurred through the glass.

"A-are you drunk, Serena?" He stuttered out.

I shrugged, taking another full gulp and narrowing my eyes at him. "I should set you on fire for ruining my lunch!"

Charles eyed me quizzically, the meak-ness disappearing from his face and a calculating smile replacing it. "The question is - could you though, Serena? I mean, from what I hear you're all spark and no flame."

Other than the rush of rage at his insult that filled me, a small amount trepidation appeared - something I should have taken more notice of but unfortunately, I was in no condition to observe things with a calm and stable mind. "Oh fuck off, you oversized cockroach, gypsy Hayley was right - I should have gotten rid of you ages ago."

His smile widened, which was weird, but my slightly addled brain only saw the other patrons starting to stare at our rising voices. "Its a good thing I have plans for you, Serena, you'll need some training to become my wife, I hadn't thought the problem was so bad though."

I threw the rest of my wine in his face - it was either that or actually attempt a fire and I couldn't say if it would have been the spark or the uncontrollable wildfire in my current state. "Tosser," I snapped at him, while standing and turning on my heels, storming to the exit with my phone already in hand. She answered on the first ring - lying gypsy witch.

"I'm on my way, Serena," She sang, glitter smacking me in the face.

"Of course you are, fucking gypsy."