'i am tired. these people make feel like I have a hole in the middle of me.' D.H Lawrence.

season 1, episode 8
lunatic

"You don't need to go," Damian told his daughter for the third time since she woke. Breakfast was made for her the moment her eyes peeled apart. Her favorite. Blueberry pancakes and sunny side eggs. "Morrell told us she'd excuse your absences 'cause of what happened."

Neviah scoffed. She set the plate at her desk. The smell enticed her stomach, but it triggered her urge to vomit. The school closed Thursday and Friday after Wednesday night's terror. An investigation was held by her own father and the Sherriff. Who else would do it best? She tossed her notebooks into her backpack, resisting to roll her eyes. ""'Cause of what happened" Dad, people are saying Derek killed a janitor and tried to kill me."

"No one knows it was you."

"I know it was me!" Her recently painted red nails pointed at her chest. A swell tightened inside of her, squeezing her muscles around her heart. Derek Hale? The face of her attacker grew fuzzy in her mind. Shadows sharp against its features. Tuffs of hair patched along the jaw. A beast. Derek was no beast. Neviah may have wished he was to hate him more, but he wasn't. Not enough of a monster to harm her.

"I-I just," she inhaled to ease her pounding heart, "I want everything back to normal. I've got a chem test today, swim, then back home. I'll be fine."

Damian scanned his daughter for any signs of lies or regret. If he found any, he pretended he hadn't for her sake. He nodded. "Fine. But if anything goes wrong, you go to Noah. He'll be there—or some other deputy—all day. And no Malikai."

"Okay. It's not like I want to see him anyway."

It pained her heart to say it, but it was true. The lies she could have ignored. Secrets as well. But his actions nearly got her killed. It was bizarre to even think that. Her best friend nearly got her killed.

She couldn't wait to get the hell out of Beacon Hills.

"It's just weird," Allison stated as she, Lydia, and Neviah strutted through the very same halls they did four nights prior. Only this time without fear. They masked it well. The uncomfortable nagging feeling hovered over them as they walked around the building. As if nothing ever happened. "Everybody's talking about what happened the other night, and nobody knows it was us."

Lydia chuckled. "Thank you for the protection of minors."

"Do you two think I made the wrong decision?" Allison asked vaguely.

Neviah furrowed her eyebrows, checking Allison's outfit out. "About that jacket with that dress? Yes. You look like you live in LA."

"Absolutely," Lydia scoffed in agreement.

The Argent girl rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

Unfortunately, Neviah did. The past four days had been nothing but unnecessary drama. It aggravated her to the very core. Allison broke up with Scott over that night—necessary. However, everyone was making a big deal out of it.

Relationships came and went. It was high school, after all, not Love Island. The only thing they needed to commit to was their education and a sense of identity.

"Uh, hello? Scott locked us in that classroom and left us for dead. He's lucky we're not pressing charges or making him pay our therapy bills."

Neviah rolled her eyes. The night blurred for her after a few pills and liquor. When not on her phone, trying to make sense of the several group chats she was added to—Stiles and his little friends trying to get her to talk to Malikai, Harley, and the other girls making plans to hang out—and several one-on-one messages trying to check on her, she resorted to finishing all of her missing homework and textbook work for the rest of the semester.

Every one of those nights ended with Neviah silently sobbing herself to sleep. Draining her dry every morning as she regretfully opened her eyes.

"Ugh, stop stressing over it, Allison. If you really regret it, hop back on him. If you don't, then I have a roster of guys who would gladly help you forget him," Neviah exclaimed with a smile. She loved Scott and Allison's relationship, it was sweet and innocent, but nothing ever lasted. It was better to leave it than continuously ponder if it was worth it. Maybe one day they could reunite, but until then, Allison needed to hold her ground.

The two girls shared a look before returning to Neviah. Allison was the one who dared to ask, "You never told us what happened to you. I mean, I get it, but—"

"You're acting like we didn't almost die."

Straightening her shoulder, she parted her lips. The bell rang, saving her. She gave a closed-lipped smile, tilting her head. "I just want things to go back to how they were before all of this crazy crap started happening. Is that so bad?"

Neither said anything. They understood.

"Great. Now, Alli and I have a test to get to."

Students flooded into the testing room. Neviah promptly sat next to Allison. She stared at the ceiling above, crafting constellations from the ceiling tiles. She ignored the eyes of a young Stilinski as he walked up the steps near her. Everyone was waiting for her to break again.

No matter how hard she tried to play the part, they believed her to be too weak to handle it all. So, she held back. Kept it inside as she always did. She tilted her chin upward, refusing to let her head lower. There were places for everyone in life—Neviah's just happened to be on top.

That night never happened to her. It did not concern her. Anyone who asked, she would respond with, "What?" She would not fall from her throne because of this. That would be pathetic.

And Neviah Degrace was far from pathetic.

"Allison."

Neviah perked her head up to see Scott standing in front of Allison. A puppy dog look in his eyes. His lower lip nearly trembled with Allison in his line of sight. Before he could get another word out, Mr. Harris spoke.

"Mr. McCall," he leaned into Scott's line of sight, using Allison's desk to lean, "please take a seat."

As he walked away to his seat, Neviah arched her brow. She turned to a girl beside her. A sly smirk on her face. "Someone's a little desperate."

Scott slammed his book bag to the ground.

Malikai slid through the door just before Harris closed it. He earned a glare that he returned with a toothy grin. It faltered at the sight of Neviah, who didn't bother looking his way.

"You have 45 minutes to complete the test," Mr. Harris announced, arriving at the podium. "25% of your grade can be earned right now simply by writing your name on the cover of the blue book. However, as happens every year, one if you will inexplicably fail to put your name on the cover, and I'll be left yet again questioning my decision to ever become a teacher. So, let's get the disappointment over with. Begin."

With her name already written on the front, Neviah opened the book and began. She forced her mind not to overthink it. When she overanalyzed anything, she tended to make the wrong choice.

Her notes were imprinted into her mind. She flew through the book with ease.

Then she froze. Gazing down at the paper. a chill ran up her spine. She paused, hovering her pencil over a question. The beat of her heart took over her hearing.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Something called for her. A lullaby, echoing throughout the forest. Gliding with the wind to find her. And she yearned for it. Something that wanted her more than the air a person needed to breathe.

Scott's sudden movements ripped Neviah from the sound. He rushed out of the room. Then Stiles. Then Malikai.

"Freakshows," Neviah muttered, returning to her test.

༻❁༺

TW // Sexual Assault

Malikai made no attempt to speak with Neviah. He feared Damian too much to attempt. His eyes lingered on her during class. He managed to bite back his tongue, but he made others do the bidding.

Harley stood in front of Neviah after lunch—which Neviah skipped to study—with pity laced in her eyes. "How've you been?"

"Excellent, hot, intelligent, and, hmm, sexless. That's a first," Neviah confessed, smirking at Harley's eye roll. A certain boy came to mind, but Neviah quickly deflected it. They hadn't spoken in some time because of her decision. She chose to shove him away. She had no right to want to let him back in. She played with the idea of finding a replacement.

"Tell me the truth, Neviah." Persistent as ever. Neviah missed that. Harley had a way of lighting warmth into the lives of others—wild and everlasting. She could never be forgotten. She didn't need to fall into desperation to be remembered. She found it with her own hands and altruism. Neviah nearly told the truth for her old friend, for herself.

"I'm fine." She waved her hand, looking down the hall at Isaac Lahey. He waved at her, keeping his head down to hide something on his face. Their next tutoring session would be cut short to teach him how to hide his problems better. Maybe him, she thought. She cast it aside the moment the idea came. Isaac wouldn't gain anything from it. It would become just another parasitic relationship. "I look good today, don't I?"

"You look good every day, Neviah," Scott told, joining them in his lacrosse gear. Harley knitted her eyebrows; glancing passed him to Stiles. He gave her a thumbs up and his stupid smile.

Neviah smiled. She held no ill feelings toward Scott; he didn't hurt her, nor did he leave her behind. He was simply a bystander—though, he did make Allison cry. It knocked him down a few pegs on Neviah's "I can sort of stand you" list. "Thanks, Scotty."

"Could we talk for a second?" he asked, directing his eyes to Neviah. Not once did they sway from her. They were dark and desperate. Confidence exuded from his sly smile. She didn't like him greedy.

"Sure. Not long though, practice is soon."

The two entered Coach Finstock's office as students trickled out of the school building to go home. The dimly lit room hid them from any eyes that tried to peak through the blinds.

"Is this about the other night?" she asked, accusations high in her tone. She worried Malikai sent back up in case Harley was too scared to ask the right questions. Then again, Scott wouldn't have been a great second choice. Too pliable for Neviah's counterquestions. "I don't think I'm the best person to talk about it."

Scott kept his head down, closing the door behind him. Neviah sat at the edge of the desk. His lower lip locked between his teeth. He released it to speak, "Just...I needed to ask you something."

She stayed silently, finding his low voice and inability to hold eye contact weird. A complete 180 from moments prior. His fingers twitched before he hid them with his other hand.

"Do you...do you know if Allison still likes me?" He inquired, raising his head to meet her eyes.

It made sense now. His apprehension. It was the nerves of a teenage boy, who believes he ruined everything. "Of course, she still likes you."

Hope lit across his face. "Really?"

"She'll always like you. It's gross, really, how much she likes you." She noted how hopeful he was becoming to be. She hit him with reality. "But you screwed up. You left her alone when she was terrified and won't explain why. She can't trust you anymore because of your secrets—and trust me, secrets ruin everything."

His face fell.

She smiled.

"Take it as a lesson. You still want her, show her that but give her time. I guess. We both know I don't do this crap, Scotty. You should've gone to Lydia," she told, waving her hand. She stood up, turning on her heel to scan Scott.

His jaw clenched. His eyes rested on the floor. His hand clutched the edge of the desk.

"But you came to me instead," she spoke softly, putting the pieces together in her mind. She remembered him as a child; the quiet one who grew louder as he got comfortable. He was entering a new territory in his life that he didn't understand. His friends were nerdy nobodies, who never had a relationship. All he had was Neviah. "You think you made a mistake. From what I see, you did the right thing—you risked your life for all of them. But none of them see that. I would've preferred that than what I saw."

Scott's eyebrows touched but he overlooked it. He locked eyes with Neviah as she continued.

"A girl needs someone she can be safe with."

"Do you feel safe with me?"

Neviah chuckled, scrunching her nose. "Sure, Scotty." He was a puppy. A sort of safety blanket—it could never really protect you, but it helped boost morale. "There are ways you can make yourself feel better about all of this, trust me."

Scott stepped forward, looking down at Neviah with dark eyes. He didn't focus on her eyes. His gaze concentrated on her lips. It confused her. "Like what?"

"Like with girls. Or boys."

Scott leaned down, cupping Neviah by the back of her neck. He pressed his lips against her lips, coated in dark brown lipstick. He kissed her as if he yearned for her touch. Like he thought of her at night when his mind wandered. His hand curved to the small of her back. He pulled her closer. Like he didn't just break up with her best friend a few days ago.

With a sudden wave of strength, Neviah shoved Scott off of her. He fell back onto the desk. He groaned as his tailbone made contact with the wooden corner.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't think of you like that, Scott. You were dating my best-fucking-friend!" Her voice rose in octaves, but it went unnoticed by Neviah. Scott held onto his ears, wincing. "You don't want to hear it?"

She scoffed, yanking his hand off of his ear. Blood trickled down the canal, dripping from the earlobe. Neviah flinched, letting go of him. What had she done? Scott McCall cowered in pain below Neviah. The pain she inflicted on him.

"Something's incredibly wrong with you, Scott. You need help."

Not saying another word, she slipped out of the room and into the nearest bathroom. She checked her phone. She had half an hour before swim started.

Standing in front of the mirror, she noted her appearance. Her wig became frizzy under Scott's heavy hand. Her lipstick smeared. The further she inspected herself, the harder it became to breathe. Did she deserve that? Did she speak to Scott in the wrong tone? The places he touched her burned.

Her legs took her to the lacrosse field with a single person in mind.

Her heart raced in her chest. Hands clammy. She despised the feeling. Vulnerability. The tightness in her chest as someone tried to take over her will. Deep down she knew Scott didn't mean to do it. He was blinded by emotions and wanted to feel better. She said the wrong things and confused him into believing she could help.

But it hurt.

Scott before winter break would have never done that. He would never have dared, the mere thought of it would have made him vomit.

He gained an ego he did not know how to balance. It made him think he could get what he wanted—he got Allison after all, probably noticed the way Lydia looked at him. He thought he could have it all.

And there he was on the field. His first attempt failed, resulting in him being slammed into the ground. Flipping onto his feet, he shoved his best friend to take his turn again. He didn't accept failure.

Shoving into the defense. One by one, he knocked them down. Then struck Danny with his stick across his face, allowing himself an open goal. Players and students watching rushed onto the field to check on Danny. What happened to Scott? Why was he acting this way?

Neviah's chest grew heavier as she grew closer to Scott. Not on purpose. She wanted to speak to Stiles.

"Is he okay?" Neviah asked, unknowingly to Malikai.

He stared down at her. His eyes weighed heavy with dark bags beneath them. "Just looks like he has a bloody nose." He paused. "What happened?"

He pointed to his lips, signaling her to look at her. She didn't need to. Her eyes flickered to Scott. Malikai's eyes followed. Turning into slits as he did.

"Something's wrong with him."

"Yeah. I know." Malikai turned on his heel. His feet stomped into the grass, making his way to Scott. He grabbed him by the collar. Harshly whispering to him.

Neviah didn't need to hear it. She found Stiles in her line of sight. Disappointment mixed with anger and sadness drenched his face. Suddenly, all she wanted to do was apologize.

For what? She didn't know.

Why did she want to go to him in the first place? She had forgotten.

The look on his face pained her. But she knew it wasn't her fault. It didn't stop her heart from hurting.

"Tell Scott if he keeps it up, I'll make sure lacrosse and Allison are the last things he has to worry about."

༻❁༺

Late in the night with the moon full above, Neviah sat in her living room. Her mind raced with thoughts she could not contain. Her knee bounced against the floor. Her fingers twirled her freshly washed curls.

Since being home, the noise returned. A soft hum. It rippled within the air like water. Reverberating off molecules. Her mind wanted to follow it. Her body said no. She did not want to be out in the dark, exploring for something that was most likely in her head.

Some part of her knew it was related to what she saw that night at school. The large shadow towering over her. Red glowing eyes that consumed her being. The word it spoke then nothing more. It left her alone to cower in fear, hoping it wouldn't turn back around and finish her.

It haunted her.

Yet she wanted to know more.

She needed to.

Nothing would ever go back to normal again. She knew that and only needed to accept it. Scott's changes were intertwined with this. As was Malikai. Stiles. Harley. They were dragging in Allison and Jackson.

They would embed her in a spider web of lies. They would let her believe anything if it was not the truth.

She wanted to find the truth for herself.

With the intent of heading to her room, Damian stopped her.

"Hey, kid," he greeted, stepping down the stairs. Almost perfectly timed, the doorbell rang. Locking her there. "I called Kory to come check on you."

Before Kory Alexander became the owner of Ray's, she had a therapy practice out of town. With the fire and the loss of her daughter and husband, she stayed home and left that life. Unless it came to those she cared about.

Damian opened the door. The Chinese woman walked in; her black, graying hair tied into a bun. "Hey, Neviah."

She carried containers of food. The mouth-watering smell filled the house. A warm smile plastered on her face. Time had treated her well—life had not.

"I'm fine," Neviah told, forcing the lie with a smile. "Really. Yes, it was a little traumatizing but so was growing up with Stiles."

Kory and Damian chuckled. But neither stopped. Kory took a seat on the cream color couch. Damian motioned for Neviah to take a seat beside her.

The girl sighed as she sat.

"It'll be quick," Kory claimed, placing her hand over Neviah's. Her hand heated. Neviah snapped her eyes down. Their hands were glowing gray. "Like it never happened."

Edited: 11/13/2024