• Jella •

I couldn't remember when was the last time I let a man kiss me. Ang tagal ko kasing umiwas sa relationship para lang ma-survive ang college.

My whole 4th year was a damn mess. No boyfriend, just to avoid distractions, yet I was the prey of older married men hitting on me, to the point na mas pinili ko na lang sa back office kaysa sa field para lang magtago sa mga may-asawang nanliligaw sa 'kin.

I guess that was one of the huge factors why I still avoid connections with men when it comes to romantic relationship. It was nauseating for me to have men around.

Flirting during your freshman year was a revelation, all fun and games. Flirting on your graduating year was a threat. Maybe I was just lucky kasi may position din ang daddy ko sa government. Somehow, may immunity. But it wasn't enough para sabihing invincible ako sa indecency ng mga lalaking marurunong mag-power play.

My body was triggered by fear when de Chavez kissed me kaya ang initial reaction ko was to push him away from the shoulders. Hindi ako napapikit sa takot. I wanted my whole system to defend myself, but my emotions were unstable, I was in the middle of breaking down, my hands stayed on the linen covering his body and the push never happened.

It was a gentle no-tongue kiss.

It took me a few seconds to realize that it wasn't a threatening kiss. Not a molest, degrading kiss. Then he inched away from me, staring at me so close I had to shift my gaze just to see both of his eyes. Ang ingay ng naging paglunok ko. My heart was beating wild, not sure if dahil sa takot o ano.

Sabay kaming humihinga nang malalim, and I was having goosebumps all over my body, like a wave gushing from my spine to my scalp.

"I won't accept friendship from you, Sioson, but I'll let you decide and name whatever it is that we have . . ." he gently said in his low voice. "Put me in my place, and I'll respect it. The ball's in your court."

• • •

Sulley was my first and last boyfriend. From Grade 10 to second year college. On and off. Toxic.

It was fun at first.

You dream together. You plan your future together. Saan kami ikakasal. Ano ang magiging work after college. Ilan ang magiging anak. Saan na titira. It was a bliss.

Until he joined the basketball team—the notorious team na kung hindi nai-issue sa mga bading, puro naman mga babaero.

We had a fight. Broke up.

I joined the cheering squad to get even, and just to see if he had the gut to replace me with another girl.

I flirted. He flirted. We hurt each other and realized we still wanted each other just to take away the pain from vengeance. We got back together . . . until reality hit us.

We were not our Grade 10 selves anymore. We were no longer the version we used to love.

May mga sugat at peklat na hindi nakikita ng iba, pero nakikita n'yong dalawa sa mga sarili n'yo, and those scars ruined the image you once thought was beautiful. You were both scarred so bad, you couldn't even recognize yourselves.

Walang third party noong sumuko na lang kami sa kung ano'ng meron kaming dalawa. We still fought for it; promised ourselves that we would be better for each other, until all of it vanished one day.

Sulley wasn't the standard. He was the lesson from a hard test.

Kumbaga sa status ko ngayon, siya ang number 3 ko sa exam na hindi ko nasagutan.

I take every unanswered question a lesson that I can do better next time.

Or maybe . . . not.

"I understimated your crazy. My fault."

I forced a smile at de Chavez and blinked twice. "Ayaw mo kasing pumayag sa friends."

Ang daming tao sa Taiwanese restaurant kung saan kami kakain ng lunch. Waiting na lang kami sa pagkain namin, pero si de Chavez mukhang uwing-uwi na.

Bad trip na naman siya nang magkamot ng likod ng tenga bago nagkrus siya ng mga braso. "Alam mo . . . kaya ayoko ng friends tayo . . . kasi kung sakaling bigla kong maisipang magkaroon ng girlfriend, ayokong may rason siya para maghisterikal na may kaibigan akong gaya mo. Alangan namang i-unfriend kita in real life?"

"What do you mean by gaya ko?" naiinis na tanong ko.

Itinuro niya ako ng palad niya. "Bakla na 'yong kapatid ko pero niligawan ka pa! Hindi ko na iba-validate 'yang physical attributes mo, si Messiah at taste na lang niya ang barometer natin ng maganda. Tingin mo ba, hindi ka makaka-trigger ng insecurity?"

"Sino'ng iti-trigger ko?" challenge ko sa kanya. "Boyfriend na kita, remember? You said I put you in your place. That's your place now."

He scratched and crumpled his face with his right hand, as if he were brushing off my words. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako or what kasi sobrang obvious na ayaw niya talaga ng bagong label niya ngayon!

"Kung puwede lang . . . kung puwede lang, ha? Huwag mo nang banggitin. Ang sagwa, e!"

"Ay, wow!" Napaurong ako. "Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa 'yo! Parang lugi ka pa, e, ikaw naman ang may ayaw sa gusto ko!"

"Ni hindi mo na nga pinag-isipan, e! Niligawan ba kita? Hindi, di ba?"

"Liligawan mo ba 'ko?"

"HINDI!"

I gave him the look. He answered me with another intense gaze, a warning.

I crossed my arms and raised my left brow. "Fine. Kukunin ko na ang mga gamit ko. Maghahanap na 'ko ng bagong condo. Makikipag-break na 'ko ngayon na mismo."

"Tinatakot mo 'ko?" hamon niya. "Tingin mo, natatakot ako sa 'yo?"

"No. I'm setting my boundary. Ex na kita once we're done. I learned my lessons. Hindi na ako makikipagbalikan sa ex. Break na ba tayo? Sabihin mo lang."

Silence.

Nakatingin lang siya sa 'kin, halatang bad trip na bad trip na naman. Ang bigat ng paghinga niya.

"Silence means yes. We're done, de Chavez." Tatayo na sana ako pero inabot niya ang braso ko at pinaupo uli ako.

Hindi niya ako tinitingnan sa mga mata. He was intentionally avoiding my eyes, I could see it.

"Break na ba tayo o hindi? Sagot," utos ko.

Ang lalim ng buntonghininga niya nang irapan ako. "Hindi," labas sa ilong na sagot niya.

"Ba't parang masama pa loob mo? Iniirapan mo 'ko?" mataray na sabi ko, kahit nagpipigil na lang ng tawa.

"Nagugutom na 'ko," ma-attitude din niyang sagot, nakatingin pa rin sa kung saan.

"Sabihin mo lang kung makikipag-break ka na para babawiin ko na 'yong mga gamit ko."

"Ang tagal naman ng order namin!" galit niyang sigaw, ayaw na yata akong kausapin.

Sumimple na lang ako ng takip sa bibig para itago ang halakhak kong ang hirap-hirap pigilan.

Ino-offer-an ng breakup, ayaw. Pero ayaw rin daw niyang maging boyfriend ko.

Baliw 'yarn.