Taehyung only knew one thing the entire time he was in Seoul: he missed him.

Who knew that Taehyung would ever miss someone this badly. Missing Jeongguk only intensified since the last time he saw him. Everything made him miss him, and that loneliness he felt deep inside wasn't the same as getting ditched on a date or eating alone at a restaurant— he knew what he meant now.

Coming home to an empty house he barely recognized made his chest ache for the warmth and familiarity he found in Jeongguk's home. It didn't feel right going to Moonhee's, so he sought out his own. It had been a long time since he was actually in his apartment, and for some reason in its darkness, all the loneliness he carried inside of him amplified in weight.

All the conversations he had during the past few weeks were fleeting, meaningless. For the first time in his life, Taehyung realized how invisible you could be throughout the day, even if your life revolved around being filmed.

Sure, people acknowledged others but not everyone took the time to truly see somebody for what they are, for what they had to offer.

Nobody really saw him, and that loneliness in the end forced out everything he tried to fill himself with. It was incomplete, this feeling once you have felt it, and Taehyung just couldn't ignore it. How could he not? 

But Taehyung knew he couldn't go back to him despite how every part of his soul ached to be reunited with his. The plane tickets that sat idly on his browser would be worthless to buy, and it wasn't because of Moonhee, or anything really.

It was more of the fact that Taehyung was a coward. 

He knew something was wrong with him. Something wired in the back of his mind kept him from fully loving Jeongguk the way he wanted to, and so that would be unfair not only to Jeongguk but to himself. To love someone as beautifully imperfect as Jeon Jeongguk required a person who would match his jagged edges and somehow complete him.

Unfortunately, he was afraid he was a bit too broken, a bit too ruined to properly be the person he needed.

But it was hard to face it.

It was hard to get rid of the storm manifesting in his mind. It loomed over him from the time he woke up, sleepless yet again, to the moment Taehyung avoided going to bed by watching Jeongguk's films, scrambling to hold onto his essence because even if it was just a video of Jeongguk playing on the screen, watching him smile and hearing him speak breathed some sort of life back into him.

Although, he knew he wasn't enough for Jeongguk, and that he would never be.

Despite how messy everything was, Jeongguk was the only person he wanted to believe he truly deserved. Maybe even one day, Taehyung would be able to proudly call him his own, but he wasn't sure how to get there by himself.

Taehyung always had a little guidance, and now, he was all alone.

There wasn't a director or script anymore.

All he had left was himself. Whatever was left of himself.

And to be honest, there wasn't a lot of it.

He wasn't sure if there ever was a time where he truly knew who he was. His real father abandoned them when he was born. His young mother juggled endless jobs, though her own issues prevented her from keeping one.

And so, the more she struggled, the more opportunities dwindled to keep them afloat.

But amid their misfortune, his mother was always his biggest supporter. At least, he thought she was.

In the industry, however, talent was one thing; luck was the ultimate deciding factor for getting an actual start. Furthermore, Taehyung always had to act, to pretend that his situation wasn't bad at home, for it was known most that directors wouldn't dare pick up a street rat for a good role.

His mother assured him it wasn't his fault when his luck continued to fail him. From an early age, he couldn't believe her. It was his fault for not being good enough to pass an audition despite practicing for hours on end. It was his fault for not being perfect.

He needed to be perfect, to erase himself so all the directors could see were the character in his features and want nothing else but him. Her advice to him rung in his head on repeat. He knew she meant no harm with it, but his head twisted it anyway.

Trust me, Taehyung. That was all you need to do. Act like you don't exist.

And he did. He acted like he didn't exist, acted like the part he was given because Kim Taehyung wasn't worthy enough to be deserving of anything. But the roles never came and the pressure continued to push on with the parts he consistently failed to fulfill. Not only was he frustrated but his mother was too.

He was nineteen, almost twenty, wasting time for a dream he wasn't sure would be his. He needed to be better. He needed to be perfect. He needed to do more and more. He had to be enough— his dream was just in reach.

Things began to change when his mother met him.

His stepfather was part of the management industry for a big company. The friends he made in part time jobs and auditions warned him. Involving himself with the big guys was a deal with the devil.

In an industry as big as acting, there was always a dark side not to be messed with.

But as naive as he was back then, only twenty and running on hopeless dreams, he thought he cared about him like a father would. His mother said he did, and she was happier with him. So he believed them. Believed that he was finally enough for them and that he had a family that loved him for himself.

When his mother married his stepfather, he got his first part. It was a good role for a small movie by a notable director. It was his first shot at making a name for himself, and he did. He made it big.

It was the adrenaline rush, the attention, the love that made him genuinely happy. It made him feel like he actually belonged somewhere and that changing himself, creating whatever Kim Taehyung directors wanted, was what he was meant to do.

It wasn't until later in his career did he realize the "love" his stepfather had for his mother was an illusion, and that these movie roles didn't come out of the goodness in his heart at all.

In fact, his heart was as dirty and twisted as the industry— there wasn't any room for him or his mother like he thought there was.

The happiness barely lasted a few years.

Instead, he grew ashamed of it. Ashamed of ever being stuck in this loop because there would always be a price to pay. Ashamed he didn't realize what this was at the beginning when things were too good to be true. He was angry. Frustrated. This wasn't how it should be. He should have known better.

And his mother— she wasn't the same. Despite how she wore expensive jewels and high-end luxury brands, the light she once harbored in her chesnut eyes were as dark and cold as his stepfather. Corrupted. Full of ugly greed. Disappointed.

She wanted more from him. Wanted so much in return, for she made it out to be his fault that she was this way.

Deep down, he knew it should have been him. It was all his fault. He didn't deserve anything, and fuck, he so badly wanted to believe he did. He wanted to be proud of his career, of his life, but he couldn't. He couldn't when it was all a reminder that he would never be good enough for anyone.

It was an endless loop, a storm he couldn't escape.

He dealt with it for five years, and it was fine. He thought he was fine. Then she died.

She was found in her house by a maid. Her bloodstream was a cocktail of all kinds of illegal hard drugs. Not too long after, his stepfather lost his career and was thrown in prison for his involvement in a drug and prostitution scandal.

That was when he first met Hoseok. He was there for him during his through some of the most darkest days of his life, working endless nights to make sure this would never ever follow him into his promising future.

All of it was swept under the rug, and at the end of it, Taehyung was expected to just be fine. Taehyung dealt with this for the entirety of his career, and he thought he was fine. He thought he was handling it.

But every time he thought of Jeongguk, he just couldn't hold it together.

He couldn't imagine what he thought after he told him the truth. He didn't blame him if he were to be disappointed with him. He essentially crushed his idea of him. It must have been devastating to find out your idol wasn't anything like you thought.

Maybe it was a good thing if that drove Jeongguk away. They weren't meant to be together anyway. Taehyung didn't deserve him. Not when he was this pathetic, this broken.

At least his movie with Moonhee was a hit.

The entire country loved it except for that one person he saw leave the theater. The thought made him chuckle, wondering if that person also saw how horrible he was too.

It made him chuckle realizing there was only one person out there who truly saw through his act. It humored him that he would probably never see them again.

And with that, the rest of his downtime in Seoul was lackluster. Taehyung didn't have anything scheduled since their film came out. He asked Hoseok to delay the contract situation with Moonhee back some more while he took some time off to think.

Taehyung just couldn't bring himself to face Moonhee as the new year rolled around.

Everything happened so fast that all he could wish for was for time to slow down, and of course, it didn't. It did the opposite.

Even with the ample amount of time he had, there still weren't enough hours in the day to think. Fuck, not when his head was such a mess.

Everything was just one big mess.

🎬🎬🎬

"You can't just keep delaying this conversation Tae." An agitated Hoseok grumbled through the speaker of his phone.

Taehyung was sitting on the edge of his balcony, glass of whiskey between his legs, and his phone perched right next to him. He found himself coming out here more often, not really caring for how cold Seoul was during this time of the year. It was loud enough to compete with his noisy thougts, so he supposed it was better being out here rather than rotting inside.

"I know, I know," Taehyung sighed, carding his fingers through his dark hair. "But I just don't want to deal with it, you know?"

"I actually don't know," Hoseok retorted. "We talked about this months ago. You were going to make things official with Moonhee. We've already discussed why this is the best way to go about the contract—,"

"—But I just want more time." He let his icey palm run down the side of his neck. His gaze averted toward the view before him, noticing how the sky was never quite dark enough due to the endless amount of lights illuminating the cityspace.

"Are you dense? I can't keep delaying this meeting. Her agent's wondering what's going on too. You've gotta understand how bad this makes us look," Hoseok said.

Right. He squeezed his eyelids shut. They were supposed to discuss that after the premiere, but Taehyung didn't want to face that quite yet.

"You have to tell me why you're being like this."

"Being like what?" Taehyung asked.

"Being so... gloomy," Hoseok responded. He could hear the frown in his tone.

"I'm fine," Taehyung said, tone strangely automated. He winced at how quick he replied and took a sip of whiskey, silencing the tug in his chest.

"Tae," He drawed out. "Can you tell me what's wrong? Do you have cold feet or something?"

"It's not that," He replied, biting down on his lip. "I wouldn't call it that."

"Then what? Help me out here." He could practically hear the frown on Hoseok's face through the speaker.

Taehyung didn't want to talk about this. It was basically like picking at a wound before it could properly scab. It was messy and it hurt, and Taehyung didn't want to clean up any of the blood. He scoffed softly under his breath, head lolling back as he stared up at the foggy sky. There was no way he was going to tell him about what happened with Moonhee, regardless if he was his manager.

And there was absolutely no way he was going to come clean about what happened with Jeongguk. The thought of him made everything fucking hurt even more, and yet he still wanted to protect it— what they had— from anyone.

Nobody needed to know anything about it.

"Taehyung?" Hoseok called out for him, snapping him out of his trance. "I need you to work with me here."

"And I am working with you," Taehyung shot back. "But this is just something else, okay? I don't really want to talk about it. If I can delay the meeting as long as possible, it'll all be fine."

"Fuck, Tae, nothing is fine!"

At that, Taehyung squeezed his eyes shut, head drooping forward. He let out a heavy sigh, chest equally weighted. Taehyung squeezed the glass between his fingers, trying to numb the pain in his heart with the icy surface. Everything was fine, he tried to convince himself. You're fine.

"I'll call you back," He said, voice nearly drowned out from the sound of honking cars below him. His free hand rubbed the side of his clenched jaw. "I-I have to think."

"Tae, we have to talk about—." He hung up.

But before he could wallow in self-pity and regret, the door bell suddenly buzzed.

Taehyung frowned to himself. Who could that be at this hour? He got up in one swift motion and headed toward the door, hoping it wasn't Hoseok waiting to beat him up.

When he opened the door, an excuse was already loaded on his tongue. But instead of looking straight ahead to meet someone of his height, his tired gaze slowly drifted down when he realized his manager wasn't the one standing on the other side.

It was Moonhee.

"I don't know what you want from me—," Taehyung started, instantly clamming up as he tried to shut the door but Moonhee was quick to intercept it with her foot.

"Here me out," She said, desperation lacing her every word. "I'm not here to threaten you or anything." Moonhee added, biting down on her lip.

His pained expression somehow paralleled her own, and eventually his tight grip on the door eased. His hands dropped to the side, frozen like the rest of him as Moonhee let herself in. He watched her shut the door before turning to face him, her gaze finding his in the deep blue haze of his apartment.

She was hauntingly beautiful. Why wouldn't she be? And yet, he couldn't stare at her for too long without his thoughts beginning to drift. Fuck. He whipped his head down, staring hard at his feet, trying to make all of this go away— that feeling— go away.

"Why are you here?" He said, throat hoarse.

"I-I'm here because I wanted to talk," She answered, fiddling with the scarf around her neck. "It's been a while since we last did."

"Right." The memory left his mouth bitter.

"How could I forget?" Taehyung whispered. "You wanted to expose me." He didn't mean to sound so harsh, but the damage was already dealt as he watched Moonhee flinch.

"Taehyung," Moonhee murmured. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry," Taehyung repeated back to her. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Or rather, he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear anything from her because it felt like her mere presence was stabbing him in the chest.

She flashed him a pained expression, and out of habit, muscle memory tugged at his heartstrings just for her. He swallowed thickly, wondering how something so familiar somehow felt so foreign now.

"I'm sorry," She eventually whispered. She ran a small hand down her face, a shaky sigh passing between her rosy lips. "It wasn't fair to do that. I-I wasn't thinking straight. I wasn't sober."

Taehyung grimaced. It wasn't the first time he heard that, but he heard her out anyway. A part of him deep down knew he always would.

"And because of that, I spent some time thinking about what you said and how you reacted," Moonhee continued, her voice barely a whisper before she let out a shaky exhale and spoke.

"Can you give me another chance?"

He suddenly found himself staring at her once again as confusion found its place between his scrunched eyebrows.

"What?" He asked, feeling his heart wrench in his chest. Did he hear her properly?

"I want us to restart," Moonhee breathed out. She pushed her long black hair behind her ear, her doe eyes staring up at him. "I-I just missed you. I missed us. I-I was a fucking idiot for driving you away when you just came back to me."

"Hey," Taehyung started, but she quickly cut him off and stepped forward, closing the distance between them.

"I may be asking for too much, but I want you to give me a fair chance," Moonhee said, desperation twinkling in her dark irises. "No contracts, no companies involved. Just me."

"Just...you?" Something in him crumbled.

"Yes," She whispered. "Just me."

He didn't say anything. Hell, he didn't even know what to say to that. Instead, her words added to the tangled mess already inside of his mind. His silence weighed heavy over the two of them, and yet he couldn't find the strength to push it off, the words trapped beneath it. It was just so fucking heavy.

Instead, a dull pain pierced his skull. With every second that passed, Taehyung stood there, at a total loss for words. He rubbed his face with both of his hands, trying his best to snap out of it, but it was no use.

"Just consider it," Moonhee begged, taking a step forward, closing the distance between them. "It couldn't all have been fake, right?"

She just looked so... hurt. If things were different, perhaps he would have grabbed her and held her close without a second thought. If things never changed, maybe he would have caved in, or perhaps none of this would have even happened in the first place.

Was it guilt or regret? He wasn't sure. The line that separated every feeling inside of his brain seemed to have disintegrated. Was there ever a line? Taehyung wasn't sure. Not when his enter life solely revolved around rewriting lines until they fit the narrative of the endless amount of people he wanted to please.

It couldn't all have been fake right?

Yes. No. I don't know. I really don't know.

But then there was Jeongguk, and he felt so, so real. Or atleast, Taehyung thought it was real. Was it real?

His heartbeat quickened. Taehyung couldn't count how long it took until his throat began to swell shut, his lungs feeling as though they were being wrung like a rag.

"Moonhee," Taehyung murmured, feeling as if his chest was suddenly turned inside-out. He took a weary step back, his arms snaking around himself, hugging his body tight. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

Her eyebrows eased on her perfect face, sadness flooding every inch and curve. It was as if he could see all the torment she went through just by staring at her. She was an open book, begging him to choose her, to pick her, to love her. But it wasn't that easy anymore.

Even if it was muscle memory, a part of Taehyung still fought it.

"Why not?" She asked, her words echoing in his thoughts.

"Because," Taehyung said, digging his fingers into his biceps. "Because I-I don't know."

"If you could make space for him, why can't you do the same for me?"

"Moonhee," He repeated. "Don't."

"Don't?" She smiled weakly at him. "I think I have the right to ask that."

He didn't say anything and watched as she took a step forward toward him. Taehyung never realized how small she looked until now. All this time, the Jeon Moonhee he knew made sure she was seen as the biggest star in the room. She demanded everyone to look at her just by her beauty alone. Her clothes, her face, her behavior was all just a part of the act.

Their world was supposed to revolve around Jeon Moonhee, but now as he saw her in the dim moonlight of his apartment, broken down and battered, he knew the truth. She was never that important to anyone, and she knew that. It ate her up, just like the baggy clothes she wore. It was all consuming, this need for love, for attention.

Jeon Moonhee had to work twice as hard to matter to people, and she would never give up until they saw her. And damn, did she want nothing more than Taehyung to see her.

And trust him, he wanted to. He wanted to, but every time he saw her face, someone else's flashed in his memory.

"You see, I've been thinking about what you said. About our contract," Moonhee said softly, staring at him intently. "You said we were nothing more than what we signed to be, but I think you're wrong."

He didn't answer. Instead, he listened.

"I was so apprehensive about you, and yet it was you! You made me this way, and I knew it was for work, but you somehow forced your every way into my life," She let out a quiet chuckle. "Fuck, if it was fake, then why did you do all those things? Why did you kiss me like that? Why did you ask me on all those dates? Why did you accept the key to my apartment?"

"And don't," She cut him off before he could answer, "don't tell me the answer yet. I just wanted to get all of this out of my chest." She gestured at herself, the smile she wore never quite reaching her eyes like it used to.

Taehyung let her take a step forward. He instantly averted his gaze to their feet, knowing if he looked at her this closely, the rest of him would fall apart. She was once again close now, so close he could reach out and grab her.

"Why, Tae?" She asked, her words cutting like a knife right through him. "If it really wasn't anything, why would you do that to me?" Every word dug deeper into his chest.

"Moonhee." He couldn't fucking speak without sounding like an idiot. He licked his lips before saying, "I don't know."

"I don't know," Moonhee repeated, tone dull. "It was one year, Tae. One year of my life that I dedicated to you, but you don't even know?"

"What do you want me to say?" He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Why is it so hard for you to talk about how you feel?" Moonhee immediately shot back, her attack unrelenting. "Did you care about me, or not?"

"I-,"

"Did you care me, or not?" She repeated, desperation cracking through the surface of her usual tough exterior.

"I do," Taehyung whispered. "I still do."

"Then look at me." And he did. He willed his eyes open and met her gaze once again.

"I do care about you," Taehyung said, scrambling to find the strength to speak. "It wasn't all... a lie."

Moonhee let out a sigh, though he wasn't sure if it was because she was fed up with him, or that she was relieved. She studied him up and down before leaning forward and resting her forehead on his shoulder. Her presence was hot, doing nothing but further complicating the mix of emotions Taehyung was dealing with.

"Then give me a chance, Tae. Please," She murmured, her fingers reaching out to brush against his arm, a gentle reminder of her presence. "Let's just start over."

It wasn't easy to start over. That was what he wanted to say. If he wanted to, he would redo everything in a heartbeat, so the pain he was feeling right now wouldn't hurt as bad as it did. He wouldn't be this pathetic excuse of a person if he could just reverse time.

Maybe he wouldn't be living in an act almost the time, pretending to be someone he wasn't. Maybe he could be someone who deserved people like him.

But a part of him didn't want to start over, because if he did, then would he ever get the chance to meet him in that reality?

Taehyung tried to snap out of it. He needed to focus on her. She was the person in front of him right now. Not him. It would never be him ever again. He didn't deserve him, he didn't need him.

No matter how hard he tried to convince himself, Jeongguk's name still made his heart flutter.

"If you want to give me another chance, meet me at this art gallery that opened recently." Moonhee pulled back to look up at him, her doe eyes serving as another painful reminder of something he could never have. 

She squeezed his arm gently, tentatively, like the both of them were fragile to the touch.

"There's this artist that I think you might like that's having a special exhibit," She said.

"Have you ever heard of Eon?"

Taehyung nearly fell to his knees.

"N-No. Not at all." He shook his head, unable to swallow the lump in his throat. He stood up a little straighter, hoping Moonhee didn't hear his heart slam to the bottom of his gut.

"Then come with me." She gripped his sweater tighter. "It'll be just you and me."

"Okay," Taehyung murmured, the words automatically slipping past his dry lips so fast that he couldn't force them back in. "I'll go. When were you thinking?"

"This weekend sound fine?" Moonhee beamed, her smile almost exactly the same as his, though the only difference were their lips. When he nodded, that same smile grew, finally reaching her eyes but it didn't twinkle the same.

"Let's start over. No contract or anything. Just a fresh start for the both of us."

"Right," Taehyung nodded, feeling like his knees were going to give in any second. He didn't know if he should be agreeing to this, but for some reason, his heart was making the choices for him without any second thought.

It was as though his heart jumped for him, and only him, and knowing he was so close kickstarted that desperation all over again.

"Just a fresh start." He whispered, knowing the reason he was going wasn't for the right reasons. His heart squeezed, making him dizzy. Oh how stupid he was, jumping at any chance just to be within his presence.

This was only going to get even more complicated than it already was. Fuck.

Even with Moonhee right in front of him, he still couldn't think of the right Jeon.

🎬🎬🎬

thoughts? how are we liking this change? i hope it makes sense too. new scenes + new interactions are my favorite part. plus you guys asked for more moonhee and jeongguk, so i'm gladly delivering. 

this took a long time. i hope you don't mind me taking my time to make sure each chapter is good for release. i've also went through and redecided a lot of plot points. this originally wasn't going to happen, but i wanted to spice things up.

with that said, my goal is to finish this book before 2025. let's see how that goes haha.

all the best, mela <3