#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 55

The hardest part with living in the same building with your ex was the probability of bumping into each other... I mean, I tried... so bad. Sinubukan ko talaga na 'wag siyang makasalubong. Ni hindi na nga ako lumalabas, e. Kapag nagugutom ako, puro delivery. Pati grocery ko, delivery na rin. Kapag nauubusan ako ng art materials, thank heavens dahil may delivery na rin ang NBS. Pero may mga pagkakataon talaga na kailangan kong lumabas...

And I was still debating on how I'd sneak out without bumping into Saint when there was a knock on the door. Huminga ako nang malalim. It could be anyone... maybe my parents. I told them I'd go home for the weekend and yet it was already 10 am and I was still here in my unit. But when I peaked in the hole... There he was. In flesh. Saint Iverson Gomez de Liaño was outside my unit.

I didn't know what he was doing outside. But he was insistingly knocking on my door and judging by the scowl on his face, I thought it was something serious.

"What?" I said when I opened the door.

"Did you order food for me?" nakakunot na noong tanong niya.

Napaawang iyong labi ko. Last night, while my conscience was bothering me, I signed up Saint for one of those healthy food thing. It was a daily delivery of food... Hindi kasi maalis sa isip ko iyong sinabi ni Cohen. Kahit na kasi na hindi ko naman kasalanan na nandito si Saint, hindi ko pa rin iyon maalis sa isip ko. The thought of him starving because of me... I couldn't carry that with me. Kaya naman kagabi, nagsign up ako sa HealthyFoodPH at ibinigay iyong address ni Saint. Kumuha ako ng para sa isang buwan. Healthy iyong mga pagkain nila kaya maayos na rin iyon dahil athlete si Saint. Mabuti na lang at tumatanggap sila ng online bank transfer dahil iniiwasan ko ngang lumabas, as much as possible.

"Yes..." mahina kong sagot.

"Why?" mas lalong kunot noong tanong niya.

Itinaas ko iyong tingin ko. Napansin ko na naka-suot siya ng suit. Kumunot din ang noo ko.

"Why are you wearing suit?" I asked. I had known Saint for a while. Isang beses ko pa lang siyang nakikitang naka-suit at iyon ay nung anniversary ng parents niya. And he looked... dapper. He looked sharp. I forced myself to stop staring too much.

'Stop!' I admonished to my gaping inner self. 'No one is allowed to drool over her ex!'

"Practicum," he shortly replied. "Answer my question, Mary. Why did you order a month's worth of food for me?"

He was looking at me... probably hopeful that my action meant something. But it didn't mean anything—at least not what he was hoping it was for. It was just a mere act of kindness. And also, I was close to his family, especially to his brothers. Kahit naman wala na kami ni Saint, may parte pa rin sa akin na concerned sa well-being niya. I couldn't stomach the thought of him starving himself.

"I heard you left home and your parents aren't giving you any money," I said. "I know you did that for me. I didn't want my conscience to bother me." I said this as coldly as I could muster. I didn't want him putting any colors in my act. It was black and white. We're done. I did a kind deed. That was it.

When pain crossed his eyes, I ignored it. I shouldn't give in just because he was hurt by the truth. He wouldn't be able to get a grasp of reality if I'd feed him false hopes.

"Consider that as a gift," I said.

He looked at me, clenching his jaw. "What happened to you?"

I pursed my lips. This was why I tried my hardest to avoid him. I didn't want to open old wounds. I didn't want to visit old memories. We were happy... he was once the person who made me smile... I didn't want to taint our memories anymore.

"You happened, Saint. You hurt me and this is what happened to me. Deal with it."

I mustered all the strength I got and shut the door. Living here was a bad, bad idea.

--

When I arrived at the house, agad na napakunot ang noo ko. The place was eerily quiet...

"Manang," I called. "Where's Mama? Papa? My brothers?"

Our house had always been a noise place to live in. Maingay si Riley at Finley. Mas lalo naman nung dumating na si Cayden at John. Palaging may sumisigaw na mga bata o kaya naman ay umiiyak na mga babies. So this silence was something unusual.

"Ay, Ma'am, nasa school po dahil may meeting po yata tapos e didiretso para sa bakuna ni Cayden," paliwanag ni Manang. Napa-buntong hininga na lang ako. I was supposed to spend the weekends here with them pero may ibang plano yata sila. Siguro kasalanan ko rin. I forgot to reply when Mama texted me yesterday, asking kung ano'ng oras ako makakarating. She must've presumed that I wouldn't come nung 10 am na ay wala pa rin ako sa bahay.

Instead of sulking, I asked our driver to bring me to school. Open naman iyong college kaya makukuha ko iyong gamit ko sa locker. I'd just spend my time painting kaysa naman magmukmok ako. That way, I'd be more productive and I'd be able to be ahead of my due dates. Pagdating ko sa school, naglalakad muna ako papunta sa library dahil may kailangan akong hiramin. My prof wanted us to research on styles during the Renaissance. I was still leaning into books more than the Internet. Mas credible pa rin kasi talaga ang libro sa akin. Plus, I loved the smell of books.

Pagdating ko sa main library, agad kong nakita si Parker. He was buried in pile of books. Those three inches thick books. How could he even read that? I mean, if it's not a novel, I didn't think I'd be able to manage kahit 20 pages man lang.

"Hi," I greeted. Nag-angat siya ng tingin. He was wearing his reading glasses again. "Busy morning?"

His eyes looked tired. Mukhang hindi pa siya nakaka-tulog nang maayos.

"Yeah..." he dragged his answer. "I know I'm supposed to teach you how to drive, but my professors dumped these," sabi niya sabay patong ng kamay sa mga makakapal na libro.

My face distorted upon looking at the books again. Ang kapal kasi talaga nila. This was why I had mad respect for lawyers and doctors. The journey to get the titles isn't easy. You would spend countless of sleepless nights and sacrifice time for people who matter para lang makuha mo iyong Atty. o kaya naman ay iyong Dr. sa harap ng pangalan mo.

"I understand," I said with a smile. "There's always a next time."

Parker looked like he really wanted to spend time with me if he could. I looked around the library. Hindi pa naman due iyong canvass para sa isang subject ko... Maybe I could just focus on the research paper today. I still had tonight and tomorrow to plan for my other things...

Agad kong hinanap iyong kailangan kong mga libro. Pagbalik ko sa table, naka-kunot iyong noo ni Parker habang pinagmamasdan ako na dala-dala iyong mga libro.

"Let's study together," I said with a smile. I sat a chair away from him dahil marami siyang gamit—those law books were really thick!

"What?"

"You do your lawyer thing and I'd do my art student thing. And maybe later, we can have a study break and eat together." Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa mukha ni Parker. Napa-ngiti lalo ako. It just made me really happy to see him studying like this. Ibig sabihin kasi, maayos siya. And I seriously wanted nothing but the best for him. I grew up with him. He'd always, always have a special place in my life. I realized that nothing and no one could take Parker's place away. He's the constant thing in my life. I just realized it the hard way.

"Thank you," he said.

I beamed. "No problem, Attorney."

We spent the next hour in silence. Parker was busy highlighting (he highlighted almost everything, which rendered the sense of highlighting invalid) and scribbled notes on the side of his book. I, on the other hand, was doing the draft of my research paper. Alam ko rin naman kasi na hindi ko 'to matatapos. I kept on throwing side glances at Parker. He looked really adorable lalo na kapag kumunot ang noo niya dahil sa binabasa niya. I tried to read what he was reading pero biglang sumakit ang ulo ko. Those law terms were giving me vertigo!

I was already done with my rough draft and when I checked Parker's progress, nasa 90 pages pa lang ang nababasa niya... He wasn't even near half of what he was supposed to read!

I was sure he's already hungry. I was famished, myself. Pero ayoko naman na abalahin siya... Ako na nga lang iyong naki-share ng table niya, tapos magdedemand pa ako na kumain kami? So instead of letting myself remember that I was hungry, I focused on other things instead. I checked my calendar and decided on starting on a reaction paper that was due three weeks from now. I was surprising myself. Masipag naman akong mag-aral... but doing a paper due almost a month away? This was a record.

Sobrang focused ako sa pagta-type. It was easy, anyway. I found writing a reaction paper easier than doing more formal papers. Habang nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagta-type, biglang tumunog iyong tiyan ko. And when he heard my stomach grumble, he looked at me. Binitawan niya iyong highlighter niya at nasa akin lang ang buong atensyon niya.

"You're hungry?" Slowly, I nodded. Bakit naman kasi tumunog pa ang tiyan ko?! "Why didn't you say anything?"

I bit my lower lip. "You're busy..."

He sighed. "I would always spare an hour for you," he said and then closed the book he was religiously reading.

"Hala, okay lang ako," I said. "Hindi pa naman ako sobrang gutom."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Let's go."

"Ako na lang ang bibili," I said. I really didn't want to get in the middle of his studies. I really liked seeing him study... call it weird, but I found it really cute. "What do you want?"

But instead of answering my question, he reached for his bag and began packing his things. Inilagay niya iyong tatlong makakapal na libro (bless his soul for being able to read those) at iyong Macbook niya. I also noticed that he had different colors of highlighters and bunch of sticky notes.

"Let's go," he said. Wala na akong nagawa dahil ready na rin naman siyang umalis. I threw my things inside my bag and we began to walk beside him. "Burger?" I nodded—too eagerly. Parker laughed at me and then messed my hair. "Physically, you're different, but deep inside, you're still the same."

I grinned at him and then we walked side by side. We ate at the usual place—iyon madalas naming puntahan nung high school pa ako. Mrs. Cheng was still there and she was delighted to see Parker and I. She asked us if we're together, but I told her that we're just friends... Iyon lang naman talaga.

"Why do you have so many highlighters?" I asked. Gumagamit din naman ako ng highlighter pero dalawa lang. He had five colors!

"Green for important terms; yellow for direct meaning; pink for examples; blue for names," he explained.

"Ang dami naman!"

He laughed. "When we have a recitation, I need to be able to find what I am looking for in a span of seconds. If not, I'd be standing until the class ends," he explained. Napa-ngiwi ako. Mabuti na lang wala talaga akong inclination sa law! "So if I need to look for the names, my eyes would automatically scan for the blue colors."

My face just became more sullen and sullen as he explained things about law... I seriously would never ever put myself in that kind of misery.

"Thank you," I said when we finished eating. I looked at my watch. "Sorry, sabi ko 1 hour lang tayo pero naging 2 hours..."

"I'd like it better if you'd stop worrying about time when you're with me."

"But I can't help it. You're one busy person," I reason. Maalala ko pa lang iyong libro niya, parang ayaw ko ng abalahin si Parker.

"I told you, I'll always find ways to make time for you."

I smiled and assured him that I'd try my best to stop worrying. Pinanood ko hanggang sa makaalis siya sa harap ng tower. I was about to go to the elevator when I noticed Saint. He was wearing a suit and tie. Again. Diretso siyang naglalakad palabas—ni hindi nga niya ako napansin, e. He was on the phone, too.

"I'm running a bit late," he said. "I know. Can you stall for a few minutes? I'll be there in 10."

Nung makalabas na, napansin ko na nag-aabang siya ng taxi... I bit my lower lip when I was reminded that I was partly one of the reasons why he lost his car. I stood there for a minute, debating on what I should do... Based on his phone conversation, he was in a hurry. At base naman sa paligid, walang malapit na taxi na paparating.

"Saint." When I mentioned his name, agad siyang napatingin sa akin. There was a hint of surprise when he saw me standing there. "You need a lift?"

He was there... in his suit and tie. Why were the guys around me starting to wear formal attire? And I had a red hair, for heaven's sake!

"Stop treating me like a beggar, Mary."

Napaawang iyong labi ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

"I wasn't—"

"First, the food. Now, the lift? Ano ang susunod? Bibigyan mo na rin ako ng allowance?"

Mas lalong napaawang iyong labi ko dahil sa mga naririnig ko sa kanya. Why was he being so hostile? I just wanted to help! At hindi naman ako ang male-late sa appointment kundi siya!

"Then stop acting like a brat and go home!" I hissed. He was starting to make me mad! "Why are you even here?"

He stared at me. Those eyes... God, it had been so long since I was able to look at him like this. He looked more mature now... and I had mixed feelings about how he was acting. I loved him before when he was nice... pero ngayon? Hindi ko alam. It was like he was trying to prove something and I didn't know what it was.

"I bought a place here to be with you... but you made it clear that you only pity me," sabi niya at medyo natawa. "I don't want that pity, Mary. That's the last thing I want from you."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Don't be. I'm now doing this for myself. I want to prove to myself that I'm not a lost cause without you. That my life doesn't revolve around you..." he said. "If you can live a life without me, why can't I do the same? Pareho lang naman tayong nasaktan."

And then looked at me.

"Why can't I move on like you did?"