#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 48

Maybe I wasn't that good as an actress... I didn't aspire for it, anyway. Pero kailangan kong umarte na maayos lang ako ngayon. Ang hirap naman kasi. Paano ako magiging maayos kung iyong tao na kailangan kong iwasan, kasama ko sa iisang bahay? Pakiramdam ko ay pinaparusahan na ako sa lahat ng kasalanan ko. And it's not like I could ask Parker to leave... I couldn't do that to him. He needed us the most... maybe not me, but my family. He needed someone during trying times like this.

"You okay?" Papa asked.

I smiled and nodded. And then shook my head. I didn't like lying to my father. He's too nice to be lied to.

"Papa..." I trailed. He just looked at me, waiting to listen to whatever I had to say. Papa always made me feel at ease. "I talked to Parker the other day," I confessed. Naka-tingin lang sa akin si Papa. "He asked me to stay away from him."

Sumisikip na naman iyong dibdib ko tuwing naaalala ko iyong mga nangyari.

"And I lied to Saint. And I feel so guilty that I can't even face him..."

Dalawang araw ko ng hindi nakikita si Saint. Sobrang mabigat pa rin iyong loob ko dahil sa pagpatay ko ng tawag niya. He didn't deserve that, and I didn't know why I did that... It's just that night, I knew I had to talk to Parker. He was my priority that night. At sobrang nakokonsensya ako dahil doon. I didn't know how to face him after what I did.

"Ano'ng gagawin ko, Papa? I don't want to hurt anyone."

"It's impossible not to hurt anyone," he replied.

"But I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt Saint. I don't want to hurt Parker," I admitted.

Papa smiled and said, "But with what you're doing, you're just hurting them both."

Nangilid na iyong luha ko.

"Ano'ng gagawin ko?"

"Talk to Saint and be honest with him. And with Parker, leave him alone if that's what he wants. He needs to work on himself. Kahit ikaw, hindi mo siya matutulungan. Just let him be."

Sinubukan kong sundin iyong sinabi ni Papa. Kinabukasan, hinanda ko na iyong sarili ko na kausapin si Saint. This was long overdue. Mas lalo kong iniiwasan na pag-usapan namin si Parker, mas lalo lang lumalala. Papa's right. It's inevitable that I'd hurt someone... might as well it be me.

Bumaba ako para kumain ng breakfast. I figured I needed all the energy I could get. I had a lot of things I needed to explain to Saint. Na kung bakit ko siya hindi kinausap ng ilang araw, at ipapaliwanag kung bakit hindi ko sinagot iyong tawag niya. I needed to straighten a lot of things up.

"Parker, I heard that the dean's willing to make adjustments if you want to pursue law."

"I don't know, Tita. I'll think about it."

"Okay... but when you're ready, just tell me, okay? You're like a son to me already."

I saw Parker smile. For the first time since his mom died.

"How's the support group?" Mama asked.

"It's... fine."

"It'll help you," Mama said. "I miss your mom, too. But she's in a much better place right now... kasama niya na ang Tito mo."

Gusto kong umalis. Ayokong marinig ang pinag-uusapan nila. I didn't want to be even curious about him.  

"I know. Thank you, Tita... Sobrang kamukha ko siguro si Tito Parker, no?"

Mom smiled.

"Kamukha? Yes. You look so much like your uncle, but it ends there. Magkaiba kayo ng ugali," Mama said.

"Sino ang mas mabait sa amin?"

Mama laughed. They seemed fine... but I wasn't. I felt broken on the inside. 

"That's a hard question to answer," Mama said with a smile. "But you're both kind in your own ways. And strong. You'll get pass through this, Parker. Nandito lang kami palagi ng Uncle mo, pati si Imo."

Nahigit ko iyong hininga ko nung narinig ko ang pangalan ko. I looked at Parker's face but his expression remain unfazed. Hindi na yata talaga siya naaapektuhan sa kahit ano pagdating sa akin. It stung, but if it's what he needed in order to survive, then so be it. Kalimutan niya na ako... ganoon din naman ang ginagawa ko. I was trying my best to get out of his life. Kagaya ng hiling niya. Kagaya ng paulit-ulit na sinasabi niya sa akin.

Sa buong buhay ko, dalawang pangungusap iyong palaging sinasabi ni Parker sa akin na tumatak sa akin.

Hindi talaga.

Na paulit-ulit sumaksak sa puso ko dati.

I want you out of my life.

Na kahit mahirap, gagawin ko kung ito ang kailangan niya.

Parker and I... palagi lang naman kaming dito umiikot. We always end up hurting each other, but we always tried to remain in each other's lives... but it was different now. Iyong huling pag-uusap namin, ramdam na ramdam ko na ayaw niya na talaga. He's fed up with me. He's done with me. And I needed to remember that every time I see his face.

When I went down, Mama called me.

"Breakfast?" she said.

I smiled and politely shook my head.

"Sa school na po ako kakain," I replied.

"But it's Saturday..."

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

"Ah... may gagawin po ako sa school," I said to save my face. "Sige po, Mama. Alis na ako," I quickly said so as to get away from Parker. After all, he didn't want me in his sight.

Umalis agad ako papunta sa school. Pagdating ko roon, agad akong dumiretso sa gym para kausapin si Saint. When I arrived, break time yata ng mga players dahil nakita ko sila Matt na papunta sa cafeteria. I walked faster. Kailangan kong makausap si Saint habang break time nila.

Lalapit na sana ako nung maabutan ko na nag-uusap si Saint at Dani. Something inside me broke when I saw them talking and laughing. Masakit pero pinilit ko na lumapit. My lips were quivering.

"Saint..." I managed to say. Agad silang napatingin sa aking dalawa. "Can we talk?"

Saint looked at me but his stares felt unfamiliar. It wasn't the same as before.

"Ah... sige. Alis muna ako," Dani said and awkwardly smiled at me.

Nakatingin lang ako kay Saint. He was holding a bottled water.

"Nasan 'yung tumbler na binigay ko sa 'yo?" I asked.

"House," he replied.

I chewed on my lips. I didn't know how to reply to that.

"Nagbreakfast ka na ba?"

He nodded.

"Ano'ng oras ang tapos ng practice niyo? Lunch tayo?"

He stood up.

"I have plans later," he said. Akmang aalis na siya nung pinigilan ko siya. He stopped and looked at me.

"Are you mad at me?"

His stares made me feel uneasy. Hindi ko makilala iyong tao na nakatingin sa akin. He's not my Saint. Not when he's looking at me like that.

"You tell me. Is there something I should be mad about?"

Hindi ako nakasagot. His jaw tightened.

"I'm sorry," I said instead. "I'm sorry."

Wala na akong pakielam kung nandito lang sa paligid ang mga kapatid niya pati na ang coach niya. Wala na akong pakielam kung maraming tao sa paligid namin. Ayoko ng ganito kami. Ayoko ng ganito si Saint.

"What are you even sorry for?" he said, looking straight into my eyes. Hindi ako agad nakasagot. "Do you even know what you're being sorry about?"

Seconds slowly passed by. My heart was tightening inside my chest.

"Kasi kung magsosorry ka tapos uulitin mo lang ulit, 'wag ka ng magsorry. Nawawalan ng sense 'yung salita."

At saka niya ako tinalikuran. Mabilis siyang naglakad palabas ng court—kasing bilis ng pagtulo ng luha ko. People were looking at me. I could see Cohen and Austin looking at me with pity. Mabilis ko ring pinunasan ang luha ko at lumabas ng court.

"Saint!" I called after him. He was walking so fast that I had to run to catch up. Hinihingal ako hanggang masundan ko siya hanggang sa parking lot. "Saint..."

He opened the door of his car.

"Get in," he coldly said.

Tahimik akong pumasok sa loob pero iyong luha ko, tuluy-tuloy pa rin. Pumasok si Saint at saka inabutan ako ng tissue.

"Stop crying. It's unfair. You don't get to cry when all you've done is lie to me."

"I'm sorry..."

"And stop saying that you're sorry. Nagsasawa na ako sa sorry mo."

Saint held on to the steering wheel. Sobrang higpit ng kapit niya roon. Mas lalo lang lumakas ang pag-agos ng luha ko.

"Why do you keep on lying to me? Is it because you think I'm understanding? Kasi nauubos din 'yung pasensya ko, Imo. Naubos na."

"I'm sorry..."

"Ilang beses ko na sinabi. I'm jealous of Parker. I'm fucking insecure. I told you. I was honest. Kahit nakakababa ng pride, sinabi ko kasi gusto ko na maintindihan mo kung ano 'yung nararamdaman ko. Pero bakit hindi ka nakikinig?"

"Sinubukan ko naman..."

"It's not enough, that's the thing. Iba 'yung sinasabi mo sa ginagawa mo. I tried so hard to understand you, but now, I just... can't."

Tears kept on flowing. Hearts kept on breaking.

"He needs me, Saint... His mom died..." I tried to explain.

"Is that why you're in a hotel with him? Because his mom died?"

Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi niya.

"N-no. T-that's not what happened!" I said, my heart racing. "Please, believe me, Saint. Walang nangyari..."

Hindi ko na makontrol iyong pag-iyak ko. Gusto ko lang na maniwala siya. Walang nangyari sa amin ni Parker. I would never betray him like that. I would never hurt him like that.

"I want to believe you... so fucking bad... but you keep on lying to me."

Para akong sinasaksak sa puso dahil sa mga salitang sinasabi niya. Words hurt... but Saint's words were killing me. It hurt worse when it's him.

"Saint naman..."

I tried to hold his hand but he wouldn't hold my hand back.

"I wanted to ask you that myself what's happening. Someone just sent me a picture of you and Parker inside a fucking hotel. You know what my first reaction was? That it's not true. Mary would never hurt me like that. She promised me. So I tried to call you and text you. I tried everything. Pero ano? Tinaguan mo na naman ako."

I held on to his hand tighter even if he wouldn't let me.

"I'm tired, Imogen. I'm tired of running after you when all you've ever really done was hide from me. I can't do this anymore."

"I didn't cheat on you, Saint... Maniwala ka naman..."

He looked at me. 

"Siguro... Pero hihintayin pa ba natin na dumating 'don? Because that's the path you're heading, Mary. Ngayon, nagsisinungaling ka lang sa akin. Tapos ano na sa susunod?" he said and then clenched his jaw. His hand was white from holding the steering wheel. "Why not stop now when we can still be saved?"

Para niya na rin akong pinapatay sa mga sinasabi niya. 

"I don't want to be saved kung iiwan mo lang din ako..." I said. "Don't do this to me, Saint..."

He smiled. 

"I didn't want to do this. I tried to tell you again and again that I don't want to end up like my parents... so let's just end this here. Okay?"

Umiling ako. Umiyak ako. Ayoko. 

"Akala ko ba mahal mo ako..."

I couldn't breathe. He was hurting me so bad.

"I love you. So much. That's why I'm asking you to let me go. I don't deserve your half-assed love, Mary. Not when I'm willing to give you everything."

Agad akong umiling.

"Ayoko. Ayoko."

I kept on repeating. Ayokong makipaghiwalay sa kanya. Not like this.

"I'm sorry. Parker needs you... go to him," he said and then left me inside his car.